Upward trend

Since starting down this pathway of grief, we have often talked about the importance of being aware of the way the pathway trends. There are highs and lows, but as long as there is a sort of upward trend, that's what we try to focus on - that the highs get gradually higher and the lows get gradually less low.

Lately, the healing we've felt has been wonderful... the latest calm has lasted longer than the other periods of calm. It has been going so well that last night was the first night in two and a half months that I was able to sleep {mostly} through the night without the help of a sleep aid. I know that might not seem like a very big deal, but it was huge for me. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I had conquered something that seemed completely impossible a month ago. It was really strange for me in those early weeks to be wide awake at 2am, knowing that I should be completely exhausted, but not being able to sleep no matter what I tried to do, unless I took a sleeping pill. My thoughts never rested, my mind constantly replayed all the restless images. I was half expecting to have to get out of bed soon after laying down, convinced I would be defeated by my attempt to sleep without that little blue tylenol pm. But, miraculously, I woke up close to 6am... a little early for my taste, but much better than what I expected.

This was huge progress... which I really needed for a day like today.

In the mail this afternoon we received a large white envelope addressed to Elliana. It was her birth certificate. I knew it was coming, but still wasn't really prepared for how to receive it. As I looked over all the details, I found myself thinking of how we'll never need to use it to get her a passport or a driver's license or whatever else you need birth certificates for. But, really my tears were mostly tears of gratitude.

This official document doesn't make her any more real in my heart, but it is one more reminder that I am a mother. And, as if that isn't enough, I'm a mother to two super incredible angel girls. I'm even more grateful for our ever brief moments with them, they are memories that become more sweet with time. They are the moments that push me forward and upward, anticipating with great excitement the joyful reunion that awaits us. That joyful day is one day closer than it was yesterday, and for now, that is motivation enough to keep on this upward trend. 

"shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad."