The Mixed Emotions of our Open Adoption

Today we were lucky to get a visit from Tracey and Grandma Kay to celebrate Ben's birthday (a little late). I'm always surprised at how much emotional energy goes into these get-togethers. Not in a bad way, of course. It's just that it's impossible to see them without having a flood of memories come racing back. Memories that hold so many mixed emotions. On most days I just enjoy the joy and wholeness I feel with Ben in our family. But, our open adoption reminds me of the sorrow and the sacrifice that produced my joy.

There are no words to describe how humbling it is to be the recipient of love in the form of a baby. That is a kind of love and sacrifice that leaves me speechless.

When we first jumped into adoption, there were a lot of unknowns. Like, the obvious, who would choose us and why would they choose us, and who was the baby that would come into our lives. But, one of the big ones was how would we navigate the unknown territory of an open adoption after placement. I remember initially being terrified at the idea of it. And, though I hate to admit it, it made me feel shamefully possessive. But, the more I heard others' stories and the benefits of open adoption, I knew there had to be more to it.

What I wasn't prepared for was how much our open adoption would open my heart in new ways. On most days, I forget that Ben was adopted. Not in the sense that I forget the way he came to us, but I don't look at him and think, "oh, he's adopted, so he'll be treated differently" or whatever. I just think, "he's my son and I love him the same as I love Hugh and Lucy." But, when we meet up with his birth family, I'm reminded all over again of his adoption. I'm reminded of the emptiness of my infertility, that was in large part healed the first time I held Ben in my arms. I'm reminded of the sorrow that likely came to Tracey because of her selfless choice. I know adoption wasn't her first choice, but there were circumstances out of her control that guided her to seek adoption, all because she loved her son so much she wanted to give him something she wasn't able to at the time.

Processing this full range of emotion is draining, but I'm grateful for the reminder of how much my heart can feel. I've come to realize it is a gift to feel so much, to be reminded of the sorrows that have been healed and the joys that have filled the empty cavity carved by pain. The greatest gift I can give to Ben is making sure he knows his roots and the incredible love that motivated Tracey to place him in our family. There aren't words to express that to him. We teach him that by showing him and letting his birth mother show him when we come together. Our open adoption is truly all about love.

Adoption: My Dream Come True

November is National Adoption Month. I had plans of sharing more about my feelings about adoption throughout the month, but this particular November proved to make that much more difficult than I would have expected. I'll probably get around to explaining the reasons behind that in the coming days, but for now I can't let myself get distracted from sharing just a few thoughts about adoption (before the month is officially over).

I suppose the following story, though short and simple on the surface, was the very beginning of our adoption journey.

It was September 2005. Marc and I had been married just over three years. It had been two years since our miscarriage and two years of experiencing the painful ride of infertility. Then, one night I had a dream. I don't remember much about the dream, except the very specific image of a little boy. He had blond hair and blue eyes and a mouth full of teeth, which was what made me guess that he was about two years old. He was smiling at me and me at him. There were no words exchanged, but there was this overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude. As I watched him, there came two very clear thoughts. One, that he was my baby boy. And, two, that he did not come from my body.

I honestly didn't take the details of my dream too seriously (even though the image was so detailed and etched in my memory forever), but I did feel the power of its message. I just figured that the little boy in my dream was simply the face of our adoption hope and the push behind us to find our baby. It wasn't until the following year that we finally jumped into adoption. And then it was another two years before our adoption dreams came true.

And come true they did. In every way I could have imagined. That boy from my dream six years ago is very real and brings us so much joy. To look into those blue eyes and to run my fingers through his soft, blond hair, to hear his giggle and watch him do all sorts of daring things, I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to call him mine. And, that he came to us in such a special way, through an amazing woman that loved him first. Adoption is a gift and a blessing, on more levels and in more ways that I can count. I find it so fitting that the month set aside for honoring adoption is shared with our holiday of giving thanks.

Forever - a year later

I can hardly believe it has been a year. Seems like yesterday. The day Ben was made officially ours. Forever.

Below are some of the photos we had taken that day by my dear childhood friend, Sarah, who happens to be a really talented photographer in the Bay Area. If you are in the area and need someone good, she is it!

I don't know that I'll ever find words adequate to express what it means to have been blessed with such a perfect little boy who came to us in such a miraculous way by a woman who acted with the most pure, selfless love. Adoption has overwhelmingly blessed my life and I will never be the same.

For more photos from our special sealing day, go here.

For some of the thoughts immediately following our experience on this day a year ago, go here.

Sunny's Adoption Story

My cousin, Sunny, has been affected by adoption in so many different ways that I find her perspective to be enlightening. I feel so grateful  that she would be willing to share some of her thoughts and feelings, especially since I know they must be connected to emotions that run very deep. I appreciate her openness and am so grateful to get a glimpse into some of the sensitive feelings that come with adoption, from many different angles. I've always felt a special closeness to these three cousins - Sunny and her sisters (all adopted) - and am so glad to call them family. Here is Sunny's story.

Thoughts on being adopted

* My parents with  me - my first day home

I was adopted through LDS Social Services 35 years ago. Things were very private back then, so I don't know a whole lot. I was 3 days old when my parents picked me up from the LDS Social Service Office. After six years of waiting my parents were so happy to finally be getting a baby. I was told at a very young age that I was adopted and it was openly discussed at home. I really never felt any different from other kids. My parents loved me and I felt like they were meant to be my parents.  

* Sealing day

Being adopted was not an issue with me. I also have two younger sisters that were also adopted so it was just a normal thing in our home. Sometimes I would feel awkward when people knew we were adopted but for the most part it was not an issue. Some kids would make fun of us but I never let it bother me. I always knew my parents loved me.

I often wondered about my birth parents and I asked my parents several times about my them, but since it was a closed or private adoption they had no information. I have often wondered what my birth parents were like. What was going on in their life at the time of deciding to place me. What they are doing now. Even though I don't know anything I am always comforted that everything is okay and that I have a loving family now. My middle sister does not know anything about her birth parents either. My youngest sister did come in contact with her birth mother. Her adoption was through mutual friends of our family. I have always had a tender spot in my heart coming from a family that was blessed by adoption.  

Experiencing the other side

I have also been on the other end - considering placing a child for adoption. I was a young single pregnant mother. I really wanted to marry the father of my child but he was nothing I had dreamed of, and he had no desire to marry me either. My parents suggested I work with LDS Social Services. It was really not what I wanted to do. I just wanted to raise my baby, but finally I softened my heart and went and listened to what they had to say. I was really touched and reflected on the courage and strength that my birth parents had to have.  

I ended up choosing to go through the adoption process. At the time the agency had me list what I wanted the adoptive family to have. Then they narrowed it down to a few families and I had to decide from there. I took it to the Lord and asked that he would help me decide which family I should place my baby with. I really never felt comfortable but finally narrowed it down to one.

As time crept closer I just kept feeling uneasy about the decision and would talk with my case worker about all that I was feeling. She let me know that they had the family I had chosen on hold and that no one else could pick them until I made up my mind. That made me start to think even more. This family had their dreams on hold because I couldn't make up my mind. Realizing it was very selfish of me, I told my case worker that I needed to stop the process and that my heart is pulling me to raise my baby myself.

I reflected a lot on my life and how much adoption effected my life and my parents. I thought of my child and what he would think of me and my decisions. In the end I ended up keeping my baby. I struggled a lot trying to raise my baby on my own. Knowing the fact that my baby would not have a father. My parents were very supportive and helped me through the tough times.

Blessed by adoption again

When my son was three-years old I got married. Dustin and I were married in the LDS temple and one year later my husband was able to adopt my son and has since considered him as his father. Finally, my dreams had come together. I am not saying that all stories turn out like this. But I am very thankful for the chance to experience adoption on both ends of it.  

* Wedding day

Adoption is a wonderful thing. It has a very tender spot in my heart. Someday I hope to find my birth parents so that I can find out more information about them. But most of all I can tell them Thank you! It may never happen.

I love my parents and would not have it any other way. They have been the best parents to my sisters and me.

* My family (all three adopted)

For a more recent glimpse into Sunny's beautiful life, you can find her blog here.

Thanks, Sunny, for sharing your story!

Adoption

With November being National Adoption Month, I've reflected more than usual on adoption and the many ways it has blessed my life. Not only do we have our little Benjamin, but we have added a whole new circle of friends in the adoption world that have blessed our lives. There's Benjamin's birth mother and her entire family, there's other birth mothers we've come in contact with and have remained close to, there are the many other adoptive couples who have been an incredible team of support through all the ups and downs.

In my own personal life I have three cousins who were adopted and were like best friends growing up. I always knew they were adopted, but I don't remember it ever being an issue. It was just a fact... like, having blue eyes or brown hair. They were my cousins and they felt completely the same as any other cousins I had.

To help spread the good that comes from adoptions, even closed adoptions that happened a long time ago, I asked them if they'd feel comfortable sharing some of their thoughts and experiences with being adopted. I hope getting a glimpse from their perspective will help some of you that might have concerns or fears about how adoption affects the adopted child. I've been impressed with how my three cousins were raised with love and openness, as well as their level of confidence in who they are. I hope we can provide the same things for Benjamin as he grows.

So, be on the lookout in the next few days for some great personal stories that will come from my cousins and their experiences with being adopted.

Hoping to Adopt - Robert and Clover

Another couple I know in real life that is hoping to adopt is Robert and Clover. You can check out their blog here, and their online profile here.

It was sixth grade band class sitting among the other flautists in the flute section - that's where I met Clover. There was a whole group of our friends that were in band together and it seems like we were pretty much inseparable even outside of class. 

* with just a few from our group of friends - Sarah, me, Clover, Casey

As far as friends go, Clover was the "first" in a few different ways - my first friend who was a vegetarian, my first friend who owned a real life-size horse, my first friend who lived "in the country" (way up in the hills on the outskirts of town), just to name a few. I remember going out to her house for slumber parties and seeing her with her horse and understanding how perfectly she was in her element in those beautiful hills with her stunning mare. It was so obvious.

Through high school with the ups and downs of school, relationship drama, and boys, Clover was one who was fiercely loyal. I remember the feeling of standing next to her and it was almost as if I could feel a surge of strength flow from her to me. There was no fear in my friend Clover.  

* Clover, Sarah, me

Just to illustrate - on one of our hikes at Girls' Camp we came across a rather large rattle snake. It was about three feet long and I was just inches away, mesmerized by the way it was coiling its lanky body together into a tight little ball. Little did I know, as an innocent 13-year old town girl, that the subsequent rattle was a sign of grave danger. I remember very clearly Clover grabbing my arm very firmly and practically pushing me out of the way, calmly explaining what rattle snakes do just before striking. Calm, level-headed, unafraid.

Unfortunately we briefly lost touch after high school. But, about five years ago we reconnected again. I still remember sitting on the steps of our family room, talking to her on the phone one Sunday evening - the first time in eight years or so. In that time she had married her high school sweetheart, and they had already experienced some great losses in their pursuit to starting a family. I was impressed with Clover's strength and faith, and knew that sharing our struggles with infertility would bring our friendship to a new level. And it did. As much as they had gone through then (six years ago), they have since gone through even more. Thirteen years of disappointment and heartache - and, still when I talk to her now I feel that same surge of strength and courage coming from her.

I look forward with great anticipation to watching Clover naturally assume the role of mother hand-in-hand with Robert. They are a good couple - solid and faithful through whatever storms they face. Lucky is the birth mother who will merge her life with theirs, as they will both immensely bless each others' lives.

Hoping to Adopt - Sarah and Brad

I have some close friends (from real life) who are currently hoping to adopt. Because nothing would make me happier than to see them in the middle of the joys and chaos that come with a baby, I wanted to help them get the word out.

First up - Sarah and Brad. Check out their blog here. And their online profile here. 

They were approved to adopt a year or so ago. They have had some heartbreaking disappointments along the way, including a placement that was reversed after having the baby home with them for a couple of days. And, still, they remain hopeful and positive in the face of even the most difficult of circumstances. Which is exactly what I loved about Sarah when we first met.

We met briefly on a humid August day in Modena, Italy. I was a brand-spanking-new missionary. I honestly don't remember much from that short visit, except that she was much more energetic than any sister missionary I had yet met. It wasn't until the following January, when I found out I was being transferred to Mestre, that I really got to know Sarah much better.

* Sarah protecting me from my first exposure to the pigeons in Piazza San Marco

At first, I wasn't sure how our personalities were going to jive and I was a little nervous about being in a new area with a new companion. As it turned out our strengths and weaknesses complimented each other really well and we had a wonderful two months together. I learned a lot about Sarah during that time - about her childhood, her challenges, her determination to overcome difficulty, her ability to find good in everyone and her optimistic view even in the face of struggle. I don't remember her ever getting discouraged or upset - even when I woke her up from talking in my sleep or the time when I accidentally gave her a black eye with a frozen Snickers, our treat of choice on P-day Eve.

We worked hard, we worked together, we encouraged each other, we became really good friends. One of my favorite memories was doing "Mostra" on a busy street corner in Mestre. I had just finished talking with someone when I looked over to see Sarah in the middle of teaching this little Italian man about modern-day prophets. With her fists pumping up and down with enthusiasm, she confidently declared "C'e' un profeta sulla terra oggi!" (There is a prophet on the earth today!) Her enthusiasm was contagious, as evidenced by the reaction of the kind gentleman. It was such a perfect moment that demonstrated so much about Sarah and what I love about her personality.

I can just imagine the kind of life Sarah and Brad will provide for their children. There will be some lucky little ones who will have the blessing of being raised by them and I hope that day comes soon. 

 

Best Weekend Ever

A Sealing on Saturday.

Two blessings on Sunday.

Unforgettable memories made and shared with family and friends who made great sacrifices and effort to be with us.

Needing just a little time to recover from the excitement before sharing some of the bigger details here.

But, honestly, the best weekend.

Ever.

A Year Ago

* Nap time this afternoon - can it get any better than this?

It was a year ago today that we found out about a little boy soon on his way to our family. I've been thinking a lot today about the details of that late August evening. I remember so clearly sitting on the couch reading Tracey's email out loud to Marc. My voice was shaking from trying to keep the lump in my throat from surfacing. We were excited. We were nervous. We wanted so badly to believe that everything was finally going to work out, but it was incredibly difficult to keep the fears at bay.

Fortunately everything worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. Today I snuggled my 8-month old Benjamin a little extra, thinking back to a year ago when he was already well on his way to becoming a part of us. And as we think back to those fortunate moments from a year ago, we're also looking ahead to this weekend when we'll be able to take him to the temple. 

I still can't believe how or why we've been so blessed. 

It's Official!

I've been awake since 4:30am. I woke up when I heard Marc up getting Ben a bottle, then Hugh woke up hungry. It was almost 6am by the time I got both babies back to sleep. And, by then I was wide awake and too excited about the day ahead to go back to bed. So, I took a hot bath and got ready for the big day.

I've been counting down the days to today before I even knew that today was the day, but especially after we knew today was the day. All day yesterday I kept telling Benjamin that today was coming. But, I think he already knew.

August 25th is Ben's big day. The day he became officially ours.

Our appointment with the judge was at 9:00am. The courthouse is basically just down the street, so we got there with plenty of time to spare. As we sat in the hallway, waiting our turn, we were pleased with how the boys were being so patient. If only we could have been prepared for both of them in that small window of opportunity to spit up all over us. Hugh got Marc really good and within minutes Ben got me good. I guess they wanted us to look legit. It worked.

* I can't remember if this is pre- or post-spit up.

As a little side note, my good friend Sherrie was in the same waiting area with her two foster kids finalizing their adoption with the same judge right before us. It was fun to realize we were sharing the same exciting adoption day.

I guess it must have been a Bailiff that called our last name as Sherrie's entourage was exiting. We entered the small courtroom and I noted it looked smaller than I expected, and then I realized that I knew the judge. Back when she was a lawyer, a mutual friend recommended me as a babysitter for her two kids. It was so long ago, though, that I was sure she wouldn't recognize me as quickly. 

It was all so official. She explained that she reviewed our report and based on that declared that it was indeed in the best interest of Benjamin to be placed in our family, as if he were born to us, receiving all the legal rights as his parents. Then she asked for our paperwork, which I was happy I remembered. We signed. She signed. And then the Bailiff guy took some photos for us. It was after the photos that I told her who I was and how I knew her, and then she understood why I looked familiar. And, as it turns out, my dad also taught alongside her mother for years. 

* Post-finalization - Our judge, my little family, and my parents

In less than ten minutes we were walking back out of that little courtroom. It was official, just like that. The excitement of the moment got away with me and we were almost down the second flight of the courthouse front steps when I realized we probably needed some of that paperwork back from the judge.

I ended up going back with my dad to wait for the paperwork to get processed and copied, while Marc and my mom took the boys back to the comfort of home. It was in that down time, waiting in that same hallway, that it all hit me. A wave of memories and love washed over me. I thought back to a year ago when Tracey first contacted us. Then to the day she placed Ben in my arms. Since that day I've tried to imagine what today would feel like. 

And it was nothing compared to the real thing.

Relief. Excitement. Gratitude. Love. Love like I've never known before. I love my little Benjamin. Words just can't contain the joy he has brought us. To have him now officially part of our family, and to recognize the love of his birth mother that made all of this possible, it just means more than I know how to express.

Two years ago we were heartbroken and stricken with grief. In all my wildest of dreams, I never would have imagined the joy and the blessings that would follow. Tonight when this big day draws to a close, I will vow, once again, to do everything I can to live a life worthy of my blessings. 

It's official - I am the luckiest Mom in the world.

One step closer

Our Monday (yesterday) started off like a typical new week with chaos and chores to tackle, all on very little sleep. At 7am, when Hugh awoke, I had only gotten about five hours of sleep, which seems to be the norm these days. Luckily since Ben (& Marc) had finally had a good night (slept from 11pm-7am!!), Marc agreed to tend to both boys for an hour so I could squeeze in just a little more rest. The extra 60 minutes made all the difference and suddenly Monday wasn't feeling quite as overwhelming.

And, it only got better from there.

After both boys had their morning naps we went to the park with Grandpa. Ben and I played on the swings, zoomed down his first slide, and enjoyed the cool feel of the grass, while Hugh enjoyed the view of the trees from his spot on the blanket. 

Ben and Hugh had some cute interactions, mainly while Ben maneuvered his way around Hugh like he was on a race track, with my Dad and I protecting both boys from each others' flailing limbs.

And, in the midst of all of that my phone rang. It wasn't a number I recognized and my general response when that happens is to let it go to voice mail. But, this time I decided to answer it. After two months of trying to get everything in order to finalize Benjamin's adoption, we finally got the phone call we were waiting for - the courthouse calling to let us know that had received all the necessary paperwork and we could come in to set our court date. It was the best news to get on such a happy morning in the park with my boys!

After getting home from the park we had lunch and then once both boys were down for their afternoon naps, I left them in the care of Grandma so that I could have my final visit with the family law window lady to set our court date. The poor lady either must really hate her life or just hates her job because it's totally reflected in the way she treats others. I don't know if all courthouse family law employees are as difficult to work with as they are here, but it was a huge relief to have this run around come to an end.

Later in the afternoon I was cuddling Ben and explaining to him that next Wednesday we will be going to see the judge who will finally tell us he is ours to keep. And, then a week and a half after that we will finally take him to the temple where our bonds to him will be made eternal. I don't know quite how to explain it, but it has always felt like he was always intended to be in our family and to come at the precise time he came, in the precise way that he came. It has always felt like he has always been our son. Now we're just going through the proper steps to make it official. I can't wait for the day when he'll understand the special circumstances that came together to bring him into our family, and he'll love Tracey just as much as we do for giving us to each other.

There is a huge burden lifted as we make these final preparations to finalize Benjamin's adoption. One step closer to being together forever.

My heart might just burst.

Sixes

* This is from a moment yesterday when I was alone with both boys asleep in my arms... I was staying as still as possible until Marc returned and could take one of them. Even with a very loud sneeze that I tried unsuccessfully to stifle, all went smoothly. Proof that there are some non-crazy moments around here.

Today marks six weeks since Hugh arrived. We are so happy to report that our days with him, since coming home from the NICU at UCSF, have been gratefully uneventful. He is strong and healthy, seeming almost as if there were never any problems to begin with. Oh, we love him and are glad he is here.

And, today also marks six months since we brought Benjamin home. Arriving at this six month mark is a pretty big deal around these parts. It means that we can now finalize his adoption with the court, which means we can take him to the temple and have him sealed to us, which means he'll be a part of our family forever.

The bad news is that we just found out last week that there were things that were overlooked in our file and there are some things that have to be done before we can submit everything to the court. We're hoping that these extra little steps will be taken care of quickly so that we can move forward with everything.

But, whether the wait is another three weeks or three months, Benjamin is still very much a part of our family... we don't need a judge to tell us that. We love our little Ben so much. And, on days like today, we are especially aware of Tracey and this most precious gift she has given to us. We hope so much for rich blessings to come flooding into her life.

(Tomorrow is Ben's six month appointment and I'm so curious to find out how much he has grown in the last two months... I swear he has doubled in size!)

Birth Mother's Day

I've been reminiscing a bit today....

Three years ago, today, we received the official news that we were approved to adopt. (Which actually also marks the birth of this blog.)

Two years ago I enjoyed Mother's Day more than any other before it... anticipating approaching motherhood with twin daughters.

Last year I couldn't handle facing Mother's Day, so Marc and I made a weekend trip out of town. We hiked through Muir Woods, had dinner at a delicious little pizzeria, and attended church the following day in a ward where no one would know our story. While motherhood felt more real with the birth of our twins, the reality was that I still lacked the experiences of a 'normal' mother. Visiting the cemetery and using my licked thumb to wash off the dirt wasn't exactly what I wanted from motherhood experiences. I hungered even more for the real thing... the real cheeks to clean with my licked thumb and everything else that comes with being a mom.

Today... well, today my heart is full. For the first time in my life I'm not dreading Mother's Day. All because of a brave and compassionate woman who has played a key role in making me a mother. Tomorrow would be another dreadful holiday if it weren't for our sweet Tracey. I don't know how I can ever adequately express how indebted I feel to Tracey for the gift of motherhood she has made possible.

Today is considered Birth Mother's Day, appropriately so. Today we are celebrating the Birth Mother who gave life to our little boy who we have been "expecting" for the last three years.

We love him. And, we love her. And, we always will. 

Our Adoption Story - Placement Day

I woke up very early that last Monday morning in December. I knew it was too early; I knew I needed my extra sleep for the long day ahead. I tried unsuccessfully to slip back into dreamland and instead laid there reflecting on how the morning of August 23, 2002 started out much the same way. That was the day Marc and I joined our lives together, which started off with a very early morning awakening. Excitement and nerves running through my veins. I loved the feeling of reliving those emotions, this time for Marc and I to join our lives with a very special little boy.

Our morning routine was a little on the hectic side - taking showers, getting the (makeshift) diaper bag ready, putting together a gift basket for Tracey, grabbing a bag of snacks for the hours we'd spend in the car, and getting some breakfast fuel to start things off right. As if the placement itself wasn't enough excitement for our day ahead, I also had a doctor's appointment for baby #2. It was my 20-week (and 1-day) appointment.

Interesting side note: way back in September when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting, I marked the weeks of pregnancy on a calendar. I automatically pegged December 28th as a date that would possibly bring with it some very bitter-sweet feelings. That would be the precise point in my pregnancy that we lost our twins the last time around. For that day to come with its possibilities of mourning the loss of our girls, and instead to be the actual day that we would bring a little boy home with us to fill some of the emptiness in our hearts... well, I just don't have words. Coincidence? Maybe. I like to call it mercy. Surely a gift from God, with perhaps some help from our two little angels.

My appointment went well. Baby boy's heart beat was strong and all other signs pointed to us charting new territory along this pregnancy journey, getting further along than ever before. I was amazed by how much movement I felt from him the entire day... almost as if he was fully aware of what was going on and just as excited for the arrival of his big brother.

We made the rest of the drive down to the agency. I clung to my phone the entire drive, anticipating a call at any moment from Tracey or the case worker facilitating the placement, letting us know the actual time they wanted us at the agency. We had been told that placement could happen any time between noon and 4pm. Rather than risk being even a minute late, we got down there as early as possible, and figured we would just wait for the call while wasting a little time close by.

We had lunch at Rubio's. My hands were shaking and I'm pretty sure my nerves made me eat much faster than I should have. At one point my phone rang mid-bite and my heart raced... until I realized it wasn't a call related to our adoption. I decided not to answer, partly because I still needed to catch my breath and partly because I was afraid of missing the call we were waiting for.

After lunch, we made our way to a nearby shopping center where there is both a Target and a Babys R Us. I don't remember now what additional items we were looking for, but we stocked up on a few more things that would come in handy. Walking the aisles of baby products this time felt so different. I felt safe to be excited. My guard was down and I imagined using the diapers and feeding with the bottles... the reality of having a baby felt so tangible... finally. I swear I could smell that new baby smell and could feel the smooth skin that only newborns have.

Just as we were getting in the car to leave the shopping center, we got the phone call. We were to be at the agency in the next 45 minutes. We were only maybe ten minutes from the agency, so we wasted a bit more time filling our gas tank, washing the windows, and throwing out the random receipt or other stray piece of trash from the little pockets in the car. Somehow the time passed rather quickly and soon we were on the road, leading to the agency.

We arrived. I was feeling such a wide range of emotions. Some were my own. Some were what I imagined Tracey to be feeling. I couldn't allow myself to get swept away in the joy of the moment, knowing there would be some aching on the other side. I felt more confused in my emotions than ever before.

We were led back to one of the larger rooms in the agency, where Tracey was waiting for us with her mom and her daughter, and her little son. We hugged. Almost immediately she placed Benjamin in my arms. I was overwhelmed with love... for him and for her. I couldn't believe how perfect he was. So small, so new, so fresh from heaven. He naturally cuddled into my chest and let me love him. It is a moment I won't ever forget.

We exchanged some gifts, received some instructions about his feedings and schedule, and took a few photos. And, before I knew what was happening, Tracey was hugging me and walking out the door. Without any warning, the emotions of the day that had been building suddenly released and I was sobbing. Uncontrollably. She looked back as she got to the door, but turned and kept on going. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to make sure she knew how grateful we were. I wanted to tell her how much her choice was changing our life. I was so afraid that I hadn't adequately expressed our love, our gratitude. I wanted to run to her, but I didn't want my tears to make it harder for her... or for her mom... or for her daughter. Walking away as she did must have already been hard enough.

It all just felt so unfair. Here we were leaving our burdens of pain and heartache at the entrance of the agency. Holding my little Benjamin made all the years of heartache and all the tears of sorrow melt away. Immediate joy filled the space that for so long knew only pain. And, on the other side, here was Tracey exiting out the same door, but with new burdens waiting to leap on her back. I felt guilty. I felt a bit responsible. How could I feel okay with feeling such joy, knowing there was pain and heartache being felt on the other side?

That was the struggle I felt in the immediate days that followed placement (and still do a bit today). My tears of joy were equally mixed with tears for Tracey, not knowing for sure what she was feeling and how she was handling all the postpartum emotions. The aching for her and the rejoicing for our little bundle of joy were totally intertwined with each other. Inseparable. The more joy I felt, the more I was reminded of the selfless sacrifice that brought Ben to us.

So, back at the agency I tried to take some deep breaths to calm my emotions. I held onto Benjamin so tightly, hardly able to believe that he really was going home with us. We finished up our part of the paperwork and within maybe five minutes we were out at the car getting Ben buckled into his car seat.

I jumped in the back seat with him, while Marc drove us the three hours back home. Ben fussed a bit at first, but almost immediately fell asleep. I offered him my finger and he held onto it the entire ride home. I had a hand-holding boy! Oh, the joy! At different points along the drive, I had Marc turn on the overhead light, just so that I could admire the beauty of our little baby. I was overwhelmed and so in love. We had found our little boy. Or, more accurately, Tracey had found us... and she made us a family. The wait was finally over.

When we were about half way home Marc made an observation that I agreed with wholeheartedly. He said, "You know, for some the arrival of a baby feels like a bit of a burden... but, having Benjamin with us actually feels like a huge burden has been lifted."

Perfect, simple declaration of how we both felt.

And, in the almost four months we've now spent with him in our family, we continue to feel that way. It has felt like he has always been a part of our family. He has slipped perfectly into his place in our hearts and in our family. There is no joy greater than what we have experienced as being his parents.

People sometimes tell us how lucky Benjamin is. The truth is WE are the lucky ones. To have been blessed with such a priceless gift of a son, through the compassion and selflessness of such an amazing birth mother. It is a blessing that will continue to bring an abundance of love and pure joy to our lives.

Our Adoption Story - the Birth

I keep thinking that with time it will get easier to write down the final details of our adoption story, the happy ending of bringing home an angel boy. But, I'm still feeling as insecure as ever in finding the right words to adequately express the emotions of those moments; the experiences that effectively turned our world right side up again. 

After so many years, filled with disappointment and loss, our world literally started to feel like it had been turned upside down. Particularly after losing our twin daughters, we seemed to enter a dark winter early that year, which then seemed to last longer than any winter ever should.

Then came Tracey. There is so much you don't know about Tracey. She is one who has faced her own steep mountains. Multiple steep mountains. She has not had an easy path and is not a stranger to pain and disappointment. And yet, here she came into our lives with the most loving, unselfish heart, offering to give us the one thing that would melt away the wintry darkness that hung over our heads. She gave us the greatest gift - the gift of a family - no doubt knowing that to some extent that gift of healing to us would only add another mountain for her to climb. And, still, she did it.

Saturday, December 26th, as I was leaving from working my afternoon shift at the temple, I turned on my cell phone to find a message from Tracey. I was excited to see she had called, but wasn't expecting anything more than her wishing us a belated Merry Christmas, since we hadn't connected the day before. Instead I heard an excited/anxious voice telling us that she'd been having contractions for approximately that last fifteen hours and that they were starting to progress even more. 

My parents and my sister, Dawnette, were in the car with me. I don't remember for sure how I relayed the news to them, but I think my tone was rather subdued and a little in shock - "So, Tracey's in labor." And, then I called her back to find out how she was doing.

Our phone call started with her asking for me to "hang on a sec", since she was right in the middle of a contraction. I silently counted to forty-seven (or so) before hearing her come back on again. She apologized and I assured her there was no need for an apology. She was still at home, but figured she'd be heading to the hospital soon. We talked for about six minutes when she needed another forty-something second break again. I think that's when it hit me that this little boy was really on his way. When she came back on this time, we decided it was best to end our conversation so that she could focus on her laboring and I could focus on my pleadings for everything to go okay. She asked if we wanted updates through the night, to which I replied that no matter the hour we would be anxiously waiting to hear from her.

When I got off the phone, I sat in silence for a bit until someone (either my Mom or my sister, I can't remember who) asked why I wasn't calling Marc to tell him.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea, I thought. I was still trying to let the news sink in. I don't remember a thing about my conversation with Marc, but I know I called him. (Maybe he remembers our conversation....)

That two-hour drive home was spent looking out the window, into the dark tranquil evening, allowing my mind and my heart to soak up the anticipation of finally meeting the little boy who was meant to come to us through this miracle called adoption. You see, about five years ago (before we officially jumped into adoption) I had a very specific experience that helped me understand that one future day I'd be holding a little boy that would come to us through someone else. I didn't fully understand the experience at the time, but looking back I sense it was definitely a moment of preparation for this blessing.

Later that night, around 10pm, we received news from Tracey that she was at the hospital and already at a seven. Just two nights before that we celebrated Christmas Eve... but the night of the 26th felt a million times more exciting than any Christmas Eve I had ever celebrated. I don't know how we managed to fall asleep, but we did.

I kept my phone right next to the bed. At 2:03am Tracey called. Her precious little son was born only 31 minutes before that. I could hear his little noises in the background. He was actually here. Tears came immediately as the most overwhelming joy washed over me, which was then followed by a feeling of indebtedness to Tracey for bringing this joy to our life.

How could we ever pay her back for a blessing like this? Would she ever fully understand how much this one act of hers is changing our lives forever?

After finding out that she and baby were both doing well, we ended the call. Marc was awake, ready to hear the details. Our mutual shock kept the conversation short and the silence of the night eventually lulled us back to sleep.

We went to church the next morning with the decision to keep the news of Benjamin's birth to ourselves. I don't know why, but there is something that I love about savoring special moments like this and hanging onto them tightly before feeling ready to share the news with others. I don't know if that is weird or selfish, but that's just the way I am I guess.

We talked to Tracey a few times throughout the day. We were relieved to hear that she was recovering well, surrounded by family and close friends, soaking up every moment with her newly born baby boy. We also heard from the agency and started making plans to drive down the next day for the placement. After hearing so many other adoption stories, it all felt so surreal to be smack-dab in the middle of living our very own personal adoption story. 

Monday morning, Placement Day, came. After all these years and so many tears, it felt like the dawning of a new day, a new beginning, a bright morning after a very long, dark night.

(Those details to come soon. I really am sorry that this is taking me so long... but, better late than never, right?)

*In a week or so, I'll be moving this Adoption Story post and the next (final) one to follow in order after the other previous Adoption Story posts, found here and here.

Our Adoption Story - Meeting Tracey

There are a few details that I meant to include in that last post, about how Tracey found us. 

When Tracey first discovered she was pregnant, adoption was not an option. It wasn't until after a specific conversation with someone close to her that the idea of adoption first entered into her mind. But even then she wasn't convinced. After some time had passed she finally decided to meet with someone at LDSFS, just to get some more information. 

That was when she met Jean - the same Jean that had been working with us for the last couple of years. As their first meeting came to a close, Jean offered to show Tracey some profiles of couples hoping to adopt. Tracey agreed, but with one request. She wanted to look at couples who had been waiting the longest. That was when Jean thought immediately of us, since we'd been waiting for over two years.

Our profile wasn't active online, but our agency had hard copies on file of our pictures and letter. Had Jean not thought of us, there would have been no way for Tracey to find us through the agency's website. Jean grabbed our profile along with a few others and gave them to Tracey. It was ours that she looked at first.

We have Jean to thank for thinking of us, heaven to thank for the special feeling that Tracey felt with us and not any of the others, and ultimately Tracey to thank for choosing us. Although it still took some time for her to be convinced that adoption was in fact the right choice for her and her baby.

So, with time and some work on her part, she was reassured of those initial feelings and that was when she contacted us. 

After a couple of months passed and our schedules lined up, we set up a time to meet in person, in early November. Marc and I met up with Tracey for lunch at a little local restaurant down by where she lives. We were pretty nervous. Although, not nearly as nervous as we were at our first meeting of a birth mother. I think since we had done it before we were a little more comfortable with just being ourselves with her, without worrying too much about what to say or how to act. 

We entered the lobby of the restaurant and the waitress immediately knew to direct us to Tracey's table. She pointed down the first walkway of tables and there in the distance was a woman sitting at a booth by herself. She was facing our direction and when she looked up and saw us, we knew she was the one. We made our way to her table and greeted with hugs. 

It seemed like it took us forever to get our order for the waitress, because we were so distracted with getting our conversation started. We talked about our families, about things going on in our lives, and just general get-to-know-you kinds of information. She told us about her 5-year old daughter, and I was struck with the way it made her eyes light up. 

Tracey and I even shared french fries (because apparently I was craving them that day), which normally would have felt really awkward for a first time meeting, but there was nothing awkward about even something as potentially awkward as that. That was when I knew this was not our typical first time meeting with someone who should be considered a complete stranger.

While we chatted and got to know each other, I wondered if others around us knew what an important day this was for us. I wondered if they saw Tracey and her growing belly and made the connection that we were brought together because of the baby she was carrying. These were all thoughts swarming around in the back of my mind throughout lunch... and I think I finally decided that people probably weren't even slightly aware of the magnitude of our meeting in that little booth by the window. 

Our lunch together lasted for a couple of hours and then we headed to Baby's R Us together to pick out a car seat. That was another moment, among other shopping mothers, that I wondered if people saw the three of us together and put the pieces together. 

We parted ways in the parking lot, with the promise to meet again very soon, which we did. Our next lunch meeting was about three weeks later, with the same comfortable and familiar feelings. And, finally one other dinner date that also included Tracey's daughter, my parents, and my sister (along with her husband and their two darlings). 

That dinner happened to fall on December 22nd, three weeks before Tracey's expected due date. I never would have guessed that in less than a week from that night that we'd be meeting again, this time to be introduced to little Benjamin.

Our Adoption Story - First Contact

* Marc and Benjamin, taken 1/29/10

Telling this story is far, far overdue. Marc is snuggled deep in the couch with Benjamin and since I have both my hands free I decided to use this time to fill in the details of our adoption story. Well, at least what I can get in before my hands are needed to do a more important work.

After we lost our twins we had decided we weren't ready to jump back into adoption or start trying to conceive on our own again. Emotionally we needed time to heal. Even though we weren't sure exactly how much time we would need, we did feel very strongly that we would know when the time was right and what the right direction would be.

Throughout the summer, Jean, our LDSFS case worker, contacted us three different times about some unique adoption situations that she was aware of and wondered if we'd be interested in. We were open to each one, but none of them ended up working out.  

Then, on August 31st, around noon, we received this email from Jean:

Hi,

I’ve got a birth mother who is interested in knowing more about you. Do I have your permission to give her your email address? Her name is Tracey and she’s due January 11, 2010. She’s read a hard copy of your BP letter and pictures. Sounds like we may need to schedule a home visit to update your home study.

Jean

It sounded a bit more promising than the other situations she had contacted us about, but we were still a little hesitant to get too excited. Still, for the rest of the afternoon I was just about glued to my laptop, checking my email at least every half hour. Finally after six or so hours of that, and feeling like I might go crazy, we got ourselves out of the house to run a few errands. When we got back home, we were so relieved to find an email in our inbox.

An email from Tracey.

I would so love to share the entirety of that email, but this is one of those situations where I feel there are certain details that are meant to be kept sacred. But, I will share the very first paragraph, which was so direct that it took us totally off guard.

Hi Marc and Megan,

It's a pleasure to be able to talk to you. Thank you for that. I wanted to be the one to personally tell you that I have chosen you to be the adoptive parents of my baby. I really wanted to do this over the phone, but email will work. I would like to tell you about my experience and how I came to choose you. So bear with me. 

With most other contacts we'd had with birth mothers, the decision (especially in the beginning) never felt certain and we were often left feeling like we had to compete with other couples and try to prove ourselves. But, reading Tracey's opening paragraph literally took my breath away. And, since I was reading the email out loud for Marc, I had to pause multiple times to catch my breath and keep the lump forming in my throat from bursting. 

From that very first contact, there was a different feeling about Tracey and a different feeling about the baby that was soon on his way. And, that different feeling gave us a calm assurance that melted away our fears and doubts. It's amazing, really, the immediate bond of love we felt for Tracey even before meeting her in person and the bond of love we felt for Benjamin before he entered the world. 

Since that first email in August I've felt this certainty again and again that our first contact with Tracey was actually a reconnection of paths and relationships that had their beginning long, long ago. I'm convinced that our (re)connection with her was divinely guided, all because of a special little boy named Benjamin. 

Celebrating Tracey

The night before last the three of us (Marc driving Ben and me chauffeur-style) drove down to The City to spend an evening with Tracey. A group of her friends had planned a special dinner to celebrate her. When we found out we were invited, there was no way we wanted to miss out on an opportunity to join in a celebration like that for a woman that we hold so dear to our hearts. 

It has rained all week. On the drive down we found that parts of the freeway were flooded. In addition, we came across an accident that was blocking the entrance to a connecting freeway that we needed to be on. We tried to find a detour, without any luck. But fortunately (and unfortunately) searching for a detour wasted enough time that by the time we decided to go try the same exit the accident had been cleared away and we were able to continue on our way. Because of the weather and traffic, what would have been a little over a two-hour drive ended up being almost four. We left early, hoping to have some quality time with Tracey and her parents before gathering with her group of friends. Any lead we had tried to give ourselves was eaten away on the crowded and chaotic freeways down to her house. (There are five different freeways that connect our house to hers.)

But, we made it. I was happy that we were able to meet Tracey's father for the first time and let him have a few, though much too brief, moments holding Ben. Tracey had properly warned us of his joking nature, which started the moment we walked through the front door... but I was struck by his big heart and welcoming arms. He is the perfect fit for his equally warm and kind-hearted wife. From the beginning we knew that we wanted Tracey to be a natural extension of our family, but we feel so blessed to also add the rest of her family into our circle of intimate relationships. Benjamin is such a lucky little boy to have so many people who just adore him to pieces. I'm so happy that he is so loved by so many.

Marc and Ben were the only "boys" at the dinner. When Tracey first told us about the dinner, I think we expected a small handful of people gathered around a small table together. Instead we entered the hostess' house to basically find such a large group of women that they were all scattered and gathered in at least three different rooms in the home. I don't even know that I personally met every single person there. The feeling of love and support was overwhelming... and Tracey is so deserving of that and more. 

It was the first time bringing Benjamin out and passed around, since I've been staying home from Church with him until the wintry and virus-y months are behind us. After gulping down his bottle at the start of the party, he slept in many different arms through the evening. I couldn't help, though, but want him to be held by Tracey and her mother. For the short time we were there, that was where I would have preferred for him to be. They did get some cuddle time in, but I just wish it could have been more. 

As dinner came to a close, the large group of women gathered all together. Tracey shared her story. We knew it already. In the very first email Tracey sent us she shared the same details and experiences that led her to choose us. But, standing there in front of her and among this group of women that could appropriately be labeled her Fan Club (of which I'd like to think I'm president), hearing her recount the story with our own ears, witnessing the emotion... it was a moment I will never forget. It will be saved among the most cherished of my life experiences. It was her conclusion, though, that really got me. 

Did she really just thank us? I was stunned. I think I shook my head in awe and the tears just flowed. 

At that point we were invited to say something. Of course we wanted to say something! But, what can you say in a moment like that? My mind was racing, trying to bring all the feelings together into some appropriate phrases that would adequately express some portion of what I was feeling, and have felt for the last few months. 

I know I started off by saying that this all felt very surreal... and after that it's all a blur. I'm pretty sure it was jumbled and disjointed...and totally not anything near what I really wanted and intended to say. Since Thursday night there has hardly been a moment that has passed that I haven't tried to reconstruct whatever I said and then try to change it to be more fitting of how I really feel. And, unfortunately I'm still grasping for the right words... and have almost completely resigned myself to the fact that our language must not contain words that can represent these feelings I have.

But, I won't quit trying because it means a lot to me to put these feelings into words for Tracey's sake, but also for Benjamin's. I want him to know everything about the incredible woman who gave him life. I am in complete awe of her... and still left speechless by her grace in the face of challenge, her selflessness, her courage, her heart that has been refined into the purest gold. I'm convinced that this one act alone qualifies her for the greatest of Heaven's blessings.

It was the highest honor to share in celebrating Tracey on Thursday night. I hope she knows how she's celebrated every single day in our home... and will continue to be for the rest of our lives. Tracey is clearly the one who deserves our expressions of gratitude. Hopefully soon those expressions come flowing into words so she'll know just how much we love and admire her.

Sensory Overload

There is so much about Ben and his story that are itching to be written. Multiple times every day I find my mind trying to form the most perfect words to share the sacred and the tender details of how he came to us and how he has changed our lives. (And, when I say that I'm clearly referring also to Tracey and her role in making this miracle a reality.)

The truth is that these last few weeks have left us with a feeling of complete sensory overload. The sounds, the smells, the touch, the beauty, the deeply sensitive feelings we're experiencing... it's all been so overwhelming, in the most beautiful and miraculous ways. Of all the feelings to process, these have felt so much more complex. I think on some level this all just still feels like a dream.

It was actually while reading something my sister, Mandi, wrote yesterday on her blog that made it all hit home. Somehow reading her perspective of it made it feel more real. And, realizing that this beautiful gift that has been given to us wasn't a dream brought me to tears.

We are so humbled and grateful to have Benjamin in our home and a part of our family.

Here are some photos I took of him earlier this week, at three weeks old.

Life (so far) with Benjamin

I've been doing a lot of this lately...

... and so has little Benjamin.

Marc is much better at multi-tasking...

... I'm hoping to get better at that myself, so that I can finally fill in all the beautiful details of life with this most precious little boy.