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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Hugh at Two Months

Last Saturday Hugh turned two months. As we've watched him grow and gotten to know his cute little personality, we feel such a deep gratitude for the strength and health he has been blessed with. It's still hard to think back to his beginning... I get all teary-eyed remembering the lonely days and nights that I had to spend in a hospital so far away from him. I can still hear the piercing cries of other mothers' babies down the hall from me, wondering if my baby was crying too and hoping that there were some loving arms quick to comfort him. I hated those three days of my life. I don't know how I survived them... probably the vicodin.

Anyway, one day I know I'll need to revisit some of those emotions, but for today I'm just so happy with the growth and health of my baby Hugh.

His two month stats:

He weighs 12 pounds 14 ounces (75 percentile)

He is 24 inches tall (75 percentile)

His head circumference is 16.5 inches (90 percentile)

In addition, he is smiling more and more. When I am kind enough to allow others to hold him (I am admittedly very selfish when it comes to others holding both my boys... I just want them all to myself), we often get the comment of how strong Hugh is. He usually only wakes up twice during the night, around 12:30am and then around 4am. He is starting to like going on walks in the stroller with Ben by his side, but we know his first preference is to be in someone's arms. Unless he's tired, Hugh is a very squirmy eater - he'll kick his legs and wave his arms while I nurse him... it's actually really cute. During his baths at night, he's content to lay still and relax in the warm water, which is quite different from Ben's excited splashing... although, I'm sure that will probably change some with time.

We love our Hugh and count ourselves blessed to have him in our family. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

Two Years

Today we marked the second anniversary of losing our twin daughters.

Today was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

But it wasn't hard for the reasons I would have expected.

It was hard because I was trying to convince myself it shouldn't be hard.

It turns out that sadness ends up being greater when you try to convince yourself not to be sad.

Had I allowed myself today to feel whatever I needed to feel without guilt or shame or insecurity, I think the overall feeling today would have been one of marginal sadness and overwhelming peace.

Silly me... I worked so hard all day to keep my emotions bottled up that once dusk fell, so did the tears.

Now, I'm just plain exhausted. And reminded of the fact that grief is hard, hard work. (And, so is taking care of two babies, especially one who is going to be awake shortly for his next feeding....)

Before I turn out the light for the night, a heartfelt thank you for the prayers and thoughts for us and our girls on this their birthday.

How I love them.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Last night I was up at 11:30pm, 3:30am, and 6:30am feeding my precious little Hugh. 

In between those hours, I was having nightmares.

Nightmares, mainly, about death.

I admit I worry much too much about losing Benjamin and Hugh. I just can't seem to help it, though. I think my recent nightmares are caused by two main things. 

Reason #1. With the recent whooping cough outbreak in California and some possible cases in our area, I've been very cautious about taking my boys out and about. They've only been out in close contact with people on two occasions, both this past weekend - Hugh's baby shower on Saturday and church on Sunday. I do take them on walks to the grocery store with me, but they don't really have much, if any, contact with others on those occasions. With Hugh's rough start, I just worry about him being more susceptible to illness. 

Reason #2. We're approaching the second anniversary of losing our girls. Friday. While my heart isn't as heavy as it was this time last year, I can't seem to think about them without feeling the heavy reality that life is fragile. And, as I spend time cuddling and playing with my little boys I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have these moments with my two little girls. While my heart is filled with joy for the blessings of my boys, there is an equal feeling of longing to have these same experiences with my daughters. 

As much as I wish I didn't have these fears and worries about death, I've found them to provide my life with a much clearer perspective and a greater appreciation for the day to day moments. I often pause to remind myself to capture the simple moments I have with Ben and Hugh. Like today when we were on our walk and Hugh was fussing. I stopped under a large, shady tree and cuddled him. He immediately stopped crying and snuggled against my shoulder. Or yesterday when Ben and I took a nap together on the floor of our front room and his delight when he woke up to find my face right next to his. These are the kind of moments that I pause and take a mental picture of every detail and feeling of the moment.

Life is fragile. And, I don't want to have any regrets of not enjoying every aspect of it, especially when it comes to the most important relationships in my life. I guess I don't mind the nightmares so much, as long as they help me appreciate life more, even the more mundane and monotonous.  

Speaking of which... Ben is needing a playmate at the moment and I'd hate to pass up a moment like this.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Saturday in the Park

... you'd think it was the fourth of July...

Well, it was the third.

And we went to sort of celebrate the fourth a day early, so it works, right? (I love that Chicago song!)

Yesterday, all four of us ventured out together to the City Park. This was only the second time we've all gone out together. The first being the cemetery on Memorial day. Well, not counting our frequent walks in our neighborhood with the stroller.

Benjamin tried out an outdoor swing for the first time. He has been very interested in watching shadows lately, so at first we couldn't get him to look up from staring at his moving shadow on the ground. He seemed to like swinging outside, even though he appeared a little confused about where we were and what we were doing there.

We didn't stay in the sun for too long. Instead we found a nice shady spot under a large redwood and away from the crowds, where we enjoyed the cool of the moment.

Marc and I had a mid-morning snack of cold, fresh pineapple and peanut M&Ms. 

Ben army-crawled to the grass and had a nice sensory experience. Proof lies in the dirt now under his fingernails.

And, Hugh took a nap.

The first of many trips to the park with these two boys. 

Even though we were there for less than an hour before both boys started getting fussy and ready to head home, it was a successful little outing! Funny to think that before long our trips to the park will end with fussiness because of them NOT wanting to go home.