On a random, normal day

Today started off just like any other day this week. I woke before the sun, laced up my Asics and logged in a good six miles. I think we're well on our way to being ready for the 13.1 we'll be doing on Halloween morning. It has been good to be back in training mode - the best motivation I know of to staying focused and committed. I slacked a little on my stretching when I got home because I was immediately distracted with fixing my bike's flat front tire. I was feeling all handy and skilled starting my day with such productive-like activities. 

Then, at some point mid-morning, a wave of sadness washed over me. I recognized it and felt it, but suppressed it because I had an important meeting that I needed to be focused for. I didn't really have time to melt and then pull myself back together in time. It probably would have been better to have had a good release beforehand, since I was basically only in the meeting physically. I hope it wasn't totally obvious to the others there.

It wasn't until mid-afternoon, while making myself half of a PB&J that I couldn't even subconsciously hold it in any longer. I took a bite of my sandwich, hoping it would curb the emotion. Maybe it made it worse - I wasn't expecting such heavy sobs, reminiscent of this time last year. 

I tried to keep Marc from knowing I was crying. We had both already had a long day, filled with a few tense moments about really important (and yet at the same time unimportant) topics. But, after a few minutes I found myself walking upstairs, totally unable to resist the urge to be curled up in his lap, having him gently stroke my back until the wave passed.

Through this entire experience, he has never made me feel like a burden, like I need to save my breakdowns for outside of what most people would call normal work hours. Plus, his comfort almost always includes some much-needed humor relief. Today it was telling me that my breath smelled "really good." I guess he was in the mood for a Peanut Butter and Boysenberry Jam sandwich, too... which was actually a relief since crying breath isn't necessarily the best.

The night was brought to a close with therapy of sorts, some creative-ness that brought some healing. As I reflected on the day, I tried to figure out if there was something about today's date that triggered such intense sadness. It wasn't the 16th. It wasn't an anniversary of any kind. There was nothing about today that usually accompanies this kind of heavy grief.

And, I finally determined that today, on August 27, 2009, a random normal day, I just really missed my girls, Elliana and Emmaline. 

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems empty."

- Alphonse de Lamartine

Upward trend

Since starting down this pathway of grief, we have often talked about the importance of being aware of the way the pathway trends. There are highs and lows, but as long as there is a sort of upward trend, that's what we try to focus on - that the highs get gradually higher and the lows get gradually less low.

Lately, the healing we've felt has been wonderful... the latest calm has lasted longer than the other periods of calm. It has been going so well that last night was the first night in two and a half months that I was able to sleep {mostly} through the night without the help of a sleep aid. I know that might not seem like a very big deal, but it was huge for me. 

I woke up this morning feeling like I had conquered something that seemed completely impossible a month ago. It was really strange for me in those early weeks to be wide awake at 2am, knowing that I should be completely exhausted, but not being able to sleep no matter what I tried to do, unless I took a sleeping pill. My thoughts never rested, my mind constantly replayed all the restless images. I was half expecting to have to get out of bed soon after laying down, convinced I would be defeated by my attempt to sleep without that little blue tylenol pm. But, miraculously, I woke up close to 6am... a little early for my taste, but much better than what I expected.

This was huge progress... which I really needed for a day like today.

In the mail this afternoon we received a large white envelope addressed to Elliana. It was her birth certificate. I knew it was coming, but still wasn't really prepared for how to receive it. As I looked over all the details, I found myself thinking of how we'll never need to use it to get her a passport or a driver's license or whatever else you need birth certificates for. But, really my tears were mostly tears of gratitude.

This official document doesn't make her any more real in my heart, but it is one more reminder that I am a mother. And, as if that isn't enough, I'm a mother to two super incredible angel girls. I'm even more grateful for our ever brief moments with them, they are memories that become more sweet with time. They are the moments that push me forward and upward, anticipating with great excitement the joyful reunion that awaits us. That joyful day is one day closer than it was yesterday, and for now, that is motivation enough to keep on this upward trend. 

"shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad."

Sweet Surprise

This probably could have been included with our previous post, but I felt like this deserved its own, separate post. When we first looked towards our daughters' grave this morning, we noticed there was something sticking out of their vase:

We pulled it out and this is what we read:

Needless to say, our hearts were so touched by this sweet note. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I used to work with the Young Women at Church and these two, Mahala and Sage, are the most thoughtful teenagers! When they found out I was expecting twins, they wrote me a beautiful card on Mother's Day and brought me over homemade popcicles to help me through the morning sickness. They had already been designated as our babysitters... they were so excited to fulfill that responsibility. We were all excitedly looking forward to the days ahead.

A couple of weeks ago, they asked if they could ride their bikes with us one morning to the cemetery, since neither of them were able to be with us for the Memorial service. I was touched that they would want to come with us. It was nice to share some of our thoughts and testimonies with them that morning. But, I didn't think they'd visit the gravesite again on their own.

We really weren't expecting to find this note today. We assumed we were the only ones visiting our daughters' grave. Their reality is so much more powerful in our hearts and minds, and we don't expect others to feel the same reality of who they are to us. But, just for a brief moment this morning, I was completely overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude for the love that others feel, not only for us, but also for our girls, Elliana and Emmaline. I know they are loved by so many. I can't wait for the day that they'll be showered with that love from those who already love them, even without having the chance to get to know them here.

And, so I guess, more than ever before, we're still excitedly looking forward to the days ahead....

Hurdles and Angels

We've cleared what feels like the first big hurdle - four weeks.

This week started off okay, and then got progressively harder until it peaked last night. I was sitting in our backyard reading a book, trying so hard to distract myself from the fact that it had been four weeks since we shared our brief moments with Elliana and Emmaline. The harder I tried to avoid the memories from that day, the more heavy the burden became. So many emotions surfaced and I found myself quietly sobbing.

Those sobs reflected sadness at experiences that have been delayed, an aching to be with my girls just one more time, and a fear of not being able to make it through the coming days and weeks. In those intensely painful moments, the road ahead seems impossibly steep and long. Hence, the wisdom in following the good advice to take just a moment at a time becomes a powerful coping tool.

I'm grateful for the comforting words from a friend last night, that gave me strength and courage to hang on, and the assurance that the road ahead isn't impossible to travel since she's already much further ahead of me in getting through it. She has been a blessing in my life, an angel.

And, the truth is we have been surrounded by angels on every side. Last night I had a dream that I had collapsed from carrying a load that was too much for me to handle. (I've had some bizarre dreams lately, but this one wasn't too hard to figure out!) While laying on the ground, I became aware of "angels" lifting things off me, so that I could get up again. I wasn't aware of who they were, but just very aware of their love and concern.

This morning I awoke feeling "light". The burden that had followed me to bed last night was no longer weighing me down. I know that we've survived the last four weeks, in large part, to the angels in our life, who have so lovingly helped carry our burdens. Heaven has sent us angels in so many forms in the last month. I have felt like we have been abundantly blessed with this promise in the scriptures: "I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

My sister shared this song with me the other day... and, I must say that for a pop song, it has a rather profound message:

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take so long for me to get to somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted, but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to bear.
And it's a long, long way to heaven but I gotta get there.
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel to guide me.

Gardens

When I told a close friend about the early delivery and sudden parting of our little girls, her advice was, "surround yourself with reminders of life."

With that advice I've spent some time outside, cultivating some plants in terrible need of attention. One day I worked on a tree - digging around the base of the tree, taking out rocks that were affecting its growth, and then adding some rich soil instead. Another day I nurtured our indoor plants, pulling off the dead leaves, and adding more good soil to each plant. 

While spending time with my hands in the dirt, I've been reminded of some important things:

1. I love the smell of soil... and I love getting my hands in it.

2. Rocks are rarely good for plants.

3. Good soil is always good for plants. 

4. If you leave your garden without planting "good" plants, then it'll most likely be overrun with "undesirable" plants, like weeds.

I know these are really basic facts to even the least experienced gardener. But, I've been struck with how they relate to my life right now. 

I've always found joy in working in our garden, whether with vegetables or flowers or other plants. But, lately digging in the dirt has also been a source of healing for me. While pulling out rocks, I find myself wondering - are there "rocks" in my life affecting my ability to grow?

And, while adding in fresh, new soil, I question - what is the nature of the soil in my heart? Am I softened enough to accept the good seeds that are being planted? Or will hardness and bitterness keep those good seeds from bringing continued growth and goodness to my life?

I have to be honest, over the last couple of weeks it has been really easy to entertain the thoughts of "why me?" and "what if..." and "if only..."  As I've chosen to push those thoughts out, I've realized that's only the first step. It isn't enough to avoid the bad thoughts, just like it isn't enough to pull out the weeds... they'll just keep coming back. The mind is like a garden, where good thoughts must be planted, so that there is no place for the unwelcome thoughts to find a home. 

So, rather than allowing those destructive questions to fill the garden of my mind, I have been focusing on planting thoughts that inspire gratitude for the blessings we've received. Right now, in these early stages, it's still a battle to push those tempting questions aside, but as we do we become more aware of and grateful for the blessings in our life... and dare I say even the blessings of this trial. 

I love the words of the Savior, in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13):

  3 And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; 
  4 And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: 
  5 Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: 
  6 And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. 
  7 And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: 
  8 But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. 
  9 Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.

I hope we always choose to have softened hearts, ready to receive the hundredfold of blessings the Lord is anxiously waiting to give.

With all these thoughts in mind we decided to plant a new rose bush in our front yard, in honor of Elliana and Emmaline. It serves as a reminder to fill the gardens of our minds with thoughts as beautiful as our peach-colored roses. And, another reminder that there really are many blessings to be found... even amongst the thorns. 

Angels to Beckon Me...

Thank you doesn't seem adequate to express how grateful we feel for the prayers, the thoughts, and the warm wishes we've benefitted from in the last few days. Please know how much we have been lifted and strengthened by your love and support. We feel strengthened and hopeful because of those thoughts and prayers for us. Thank you so much. 

My parents are on their mission right now in Australia. Even with an expansive ocean dividing us, I am grateful to have felt their closeness and love through all of this. The other day my Dad reminded me of a phrase from one of my favorite Church hymns, which now means even more to me: 

There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n;

All that Thou sendest me, in mercy giv'n;

Angels to beckon me Nearer, my God, to Thee,

Nearer, my God, to Thee, Nearer to Thee.

This, we feel, is a very simple message of the purpose of our daughters' brief moments on earth. They, our angels, are now back with Heavenly Father, beckoning us to make it there to be with them. In all our life we have never felt a stronger yearning for heaven, a more pure desire to be whole and clean, a more dedicated heart to all that's good and right. Their brief moments with us have changed our life more profoundly than any other experience or combination of experiences we've ever had. But, all those past experiences have had their purpose in serving as a foundation of faith, making it easier to accept all that's happened in the last week. They've been our reservoir of faith and testimony.

We love our little girls so dearly. They have taught us so much, and we know we will still have many things to learn from them in the coming years. How grateful we feel for the blessing of having them in our family.