The Mixed Emotions of our Open Adoption

Today we were lucky to get a visit from Tracey and Grandma Kay to celebrate Ben's birthday (a little late). I'm always surprised at how much emotional energy goes into these get-togethers. Not in a bad way, of course. It's just that it's impossible to see them without having a flood of memories come racing back. Memories that hold so many mixed emotions. On most days I just enjoy the joy and wholeness I feel with Ben in our family. But, our open adoption reminds me of the sorrow and the sacrifice that produced my joy.

There are no words to describe how humbling it is to be the recipient of love in the form of a baby. That is a kind of love and sacrifice that leaves me speechless.

When we first jumped into adoption, there were a lot of unknowns. Like, the obvious, who would choose us and why would they choose us, and who was the baby that would come into our lives. But, one of the big ones was how would we navigate the unknown territory of an open adoption after placement. I remember initially being terrified at the idea of it. And, though I hate to admit it, it made me feel shamefully possessive. But, the more I heard others' stories and the benefits of open adoption, I knew there had to be more to it.

What I wasn't prepared for was how much our open adoption would open my heart in new ways. On most days, I forget that Ben was adopted. Not in the sense that I forget the way he came to us, but I don't look at him and think, "oh, he's adopted, so he'll be treated differently" or whatever. I just think, "he's my son and I love him the same as I love Hugh and Lucy." But, when we meet up with his birth family, I'm reminded all over again of his adoption. I'm reminded of the emptiness of my infertility, that was in large part healed the first time I held Ben in my arms. I'm reminded of the sorrow that likely came to Tracey because of her selfless choice. I know adoption wasn't her first choice, but there were circumstances out of her control that guided her to seek adoption, all because she loved her son so much she wanted to give him something she wasn't able to at the time.

Processing this full range of emotion is draining, but I'm grateful for the reminder of how much my heart can feel. I've come to realize it is a gift to feel so much, to be reminded of the sorrows that have been healed and the joys that have filled the empty cavity carved by pain. The greatest gift I can give to Ben is making sure he knows his roots and the incredible love that motivated Tracey to place him in our family. There aren't words to express that to him. We teach him that by showing him and letting his birth mother show him when we come together. Our open adoption is truly all about love.

Three Years!

The week after Christmas was one of the craziest we've had and it's taken me a few weeks to bounce back. I've got quite a lot to catch up on. A birthday, a house of sickies, a big move, and a new house to get settled into. All of that happened in less than a week. Then, there was the fun of unpacking, shopping for a washer and dryer, taking a much-needed trip to see a dear friend (just Lucy and me), and then another week of sickies. To say I'm tired is an understatement.

As much as I dislike doing big recaps, the next few posts will be exactly that, starting with Ben's big day. So, here we go...

Ben is THREE! The morning started with Marc taking Ben to the store to buy birthday doughnuts and balloons. He was so excited! Unfortunately around mid-morning, and just before his birth family arrived for his party, he started to act lethargic and clearly didn't feel well. He ended up cuddling up in Marc's lap during most of the party, eating a few bites of pizza here and there. He really perked up, though, when it was cake time.

About a month before his birthday I showed him pictures of a dozen or so different cake ideas and let him pick the one he wanted. Right away he picked the Dump Truck. I was convinced that in his usual toddler fashion he'd change his mind a dozen times before his birthday, so I asked him about every other day. But, he remained consistent in his response every single time.

The day before his birthday he hurt his wrist somehow - we think he must have sprained or twisted it. After looking at it really closely and determining that it wasn't a serious injury, we wrapped it up in an ace bandage, which he thought was pretty cool... but it was still so sad to watch the way he just let his arm hang limply to his side.

We were so happy to have Tracey join us for Ben's birthday again this year. She came with her mom and her daughter, Taylor. This was the first time for Ben to meet Taylor (besides just after he was born) and it was fun to watch them play and interact together. We also had my brother, Jamie, and his family in town and they were with us for Ben's party, too.

Soon after the party was over and everyone had left, we all crashed and slept the afternoon away. Ben ended up throwing up later in the day, reminiscent of how his first birthday ended... hopefully this won't become tradition. Poor kid.

Overall, it was a fun day and Ben seemed to enjoy having all the attention on him. He is such a sweet boy - so creative, so adventurous, so hilarious, so tender to the core. We love him more and more and more. It's impossible to even consider what our family would be like or what the dynamics would look like without him.

Ben turned TWO!

Yeah, I know that was over two months ago. I think I mentioned that on the day of his actual birthday we went out to ice cream and gave him just a couple of his gifts because we wanted to save the big stuff for his big party on a day that his birth mother could make it up. Well, that party happened at the end of January, but since I failed to get the photos off the camera right away, I kept forgetting to post about his big celebration.

After seeing an Elmo cake that a friend made for her daughter, I knew that would be the perfect cake for Ben. For weeks leading up to his party, I'd show him a picture of the cake and tell him that I'd make him his own Elmo cake. Whether or not he fully understood, the excitement would show all over his face. And, the moment he saw his cake for the first time was awesome! The biggest smile I've ever seen... it made me so happy!

I wasn't sure if he'd actually eat the cake since he wasn't interested in his cake at all on his first birthday, but he dug right in and ate every last bite. As did Hugh! So messy and so fun!

It was so great to have Tracey and her mom there for the party. I know someday that will mean a lot to Ben and I'm grateful for their willingness to make the sacrifice to be apart of big days like this with us.

What a happy two years it has been with our sweet, blue-eyed Benjamin! I cannot imagine life without him and feel so incredibly lucky to be his mother. He is such a joy and we are truly blessed!

Backtracking - Benjamin's birthday

Back in Decemeber when I posted about Benjamin's first birthday, I meant to come back later and add photos, but then the battery died and I couldn't retrieve the photos. So, even though it's almost two months later, here are the photos.

I made a snake cake. I got the idea from my friend Becky, who makes the most amazing cakes. After looking through photos of some of her cakes, I chose this one that seemed simple enough for a non-cake maker, like myself, and one that wouldn't be too hard to not mess up. Still, my snake didn't turn out nearly as awesome as hers. BUT, I was pretty happy at my attempt to something more than a 9x13.

If you recall, Benjamin wasn't into eating the cake. Instead, he grabbed fist-fulls and squished the cake through his fingers. But, he was loving the ice cream - definitely a Mama's boy!

One of his favorite toys of the day - the air ball popper. His birth mother, Tracey, and his birth grandmother gave it to him. Ben and Hugh both get excited when we turn it on and play with it. They love it!

I loved capturing these moments between Benjamin and Tracey. Even though he's only a year old, I get the feeling that deep within him there is an understanding of who Tracey is and how he came to us. I'm so grateful for our open adoption, for the relationship we have with Tracey. I know there must be some bitter-sweet feelings that come with participating in big events like this with us. She continues to amaze me with her ability to continue to put her love for Benjamin ahead of her own conflicting emotions. Benjamin will never doubt how much he is loved by his birth family.

A Year Ago

* Nap time this afternoon - can it get any better than this?

It was a year ago today that we found out about a little boy soon on his way to our family. I've been thinking a lot today about the details of that late August evening. I remember so clearly sitting on the couch reading Tracey's email out loud to Marc. My voice was shaking from trying to keep the lump in my throat from surfacing. We were excited. We were nervous. We wanted so badly to believe that everything was finally going to work out, but it was incredibly difficult to keep the fears at bay.

Fortunately everything worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. Today I snuggled my 8-month old Benjamin a little extra, thinking back to a year ago when he was already well on his way to becoming a part of us. And as we think back to those fortunate moments from a year ago, we're also looking ahead to this weekend when we'll be able to take him to the temple. 

I still can't believe how or why we've been so blessed. 

One step closer

Our Monday (yesterday) started off like a typical new week with chaos and chores to tackle, all on very little sleep. At 7am, when Hugh awoke, I had only gotten about five hours of sleep, which seems to be the norm these days. Luckily since Ben (& Marc) had finally had a good night (slept from 11pm-7am!!), Marc agreed to tend to both boys for an hour so I could squeeze in just a little more rest. The extra 60 minutes made all the difference and suddenly Monday wasn't feeling quite as overwhelming.

And, it only got better from there.

After both boys had their morning naps we went to the park with Grandpa. Ben and I played on the swings, zoomed down his first slide, and enjoyed the cool feel of the grass, while Hugh enjoyed the view of the trees from his spot on the blanket. 

Ben and Hugh had some cute interactions, mainly while Ben maneuvered his way around Hugh like he was on a race track, with my Dad and I protecting both boys from each others' flailing limbs.

And, in the midst of all of that my phone rang. It wasn't a number I recognized and my general response when that happens is to let it go to voice mail. But, this time I decided to answer it. After two months of trying to get everything in order to finalize Benjamin's adoption, we finally got the phone call we were waiting for - the courthouse calling to let us know that had received all the necessary paperwork and we could come in to set our court date. It was the best news to get on such a happy morning in the park with my boys!

After getting home from the park we had lunch and then once both boys were down for their afternoon naps, I left them in the care of Grandma so that I could have my final visit with the family law window lady to set our court date. The poor lady either must really hate her life or just hates her job because it's totally reflected in the way she treats others. I don't know if all courthouse family law employees are as difficult to work with as they are here, but it was a huge relief to have this run around come to an end.

Later in the afternoon I was cuddling Ben and explaining to him that next Wednesday we will be going to see the judge who will finally tell us he is ours to keep. And, then a week and a half after that we will finally take him to the temple where our bonds to him will be made eternal. I don't know quite how to explain it, but it has always felt like he was always intended to be in our family and to come at the precise time he came, in the precise way that he came. It has always felt like he has always been our son. Now we're just going through the proper steps to make it official. I can't wait for the day when he'll understand the special circumstances that came together to bring him into our family, and he'll love Tracey just as much as we do for giving us to each other.

There is a huge burden lifted as we make these final preparations to finalize Benjamin's adoption. One step closer to being together forever.

My heart might just burst.

Sixes

* This is from a moment yesterday when I was alone with both boys asleep in my arms... I was staying as still as possible until Marc returned and could take one of them. Even with a very loud sneeze that I tried unsuccessfully to stifle, all went smoothly. Proof that there are some non-crazy moments around here.

Today marks six weeks since Hugh arrived. We are so happy to report that our days with him, since coming home from the NICU at UCSF, have been gratefully uneventful. He is strong and healthy, seeming almost as if there were never any problems to begin with. Oh, we love him and are glad he is here.

And, today also marks six months since we brought Benjamin home. Arriving at this six month mark is a pretty big deal around these parts. It means that we can now finalize his adoption with the court, which means we can take him to the temple and have him sealed to us, which means he'll be a part of our family forever.

The bad news is that we just found out last week that there were things that were overlooked in our file and there are some things that have to be done before we can submit everything to the court. We're hoping that these extra little steps will be taken care of quickly so that we can move forward with everything.

But, whether the wait is another three weeks or three months, Benjamin is still very much a part of our family... we don't need a judge to tell us that. We love our little Ben so much. And, on days like today, we are especially aware of Tracey and this most precious gift she has given to us. We hope so much for rich blessings to come flooding into her life.

(Tomorrow is Ben's six month appointment and I'm so curious to find out how much he has grown in the last two months... I swear he has doubled in size!)

Birth Mother's Day

I've been reminiscing a bit today....

Three years ago, today, we received the official news that we were approved to adopt. (Which actually also marks the birth of this blog.)

Two years ago I enjoyed Mother's Day more than any other before it... anticipating approaching motherhood with twin daughters.

Last year I couldn't handle facing Mother's Day, so Marc and I made a weekend trip out of town. We hiked through Muir Woods, had dinner at a delicious little pizzeria, and attended church the following day in a ward where no one would know our story. While motherhood felt more real with the birth of our twins, the reality was that I still lacked the experiences of a 'normal' mother. Visiting the cemetery and using my licked thumb to wash off the dirt wasn't exactly what I wanted from motherhood experiences. I hungered even more for the real thing... the real cheeks to clean with my licked thumb and everything else that comes with being a mom.

Today... well, today my heart is full. For the first time in my life I'm not dreading Mother's Day. All because of a brave and compassionate woman who has played a key role in making me a mother. Tomorrow would be another dreadful holiday if it weren't for our sweet Tracey. I don't know how I can ever adequately express how indebted I feel to Tracey for the gift of motherhood she has made possible.

Today is considered Birth Mother's Day, appropriately so. Today we are celebrating the Birth Mother who gave life to our little boy who we have been "expecting" for the last three years.

We love him. And, we love her. And, we always will. 

Our Adoption Story - Placement Day

I woke up very early that last Monday morning in December. I knew it was too early; I knew I needed my extra sleep for the long day ahead. I tried unsuccessfully to slip back into dreamland and instead laid there reflecting on how the morning of August 23, 2002 started out much the same way. That was the day Marc and I joined our lives together, which started off with a very early morning awakening. Excitement and nerves running through my veins. I loved the feeling of reliving those emotions, this time for Marc and I to join our lives with a very special little boy.

Our morning routine was a little on the hectic side - taking showers, getting the (makeshift) diaper bag ready, putting together a gift basket for Tracey, grabbing a bag of snacks for the hours we'd spend in the car, and getting some breakfast fuel to start things off right. As if the placement itself wasn't enough excitement for our day ahead, I also had a doctor's appointment for baby #2. It was my 20-week (and 1-day) appointment.

Interesting side note: way back in September when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting, I marked the weeks of pregnancy on a calendar. I automatically pegged December 28th as a date that would possibly bring with it some very bitter-sweet feelings. That would be the precise point in my pregnancy that we lost our twins the last time around. For that day to come with its possibilities of mourning the loss of our girls, and instead to be the actual day that we would bring a little boy home with us to fill some of the emptiness in our hearts... well, I just don't have words. Coincidence? Maybe. I like to call it mercy. Surely a gift from God, with perhaps some help from our two little angels.

My appointment went well. Baby boy's heart beat was strong and all other signs pointed to us charting new territory along this pregnancy journey, getting further along than ever before. I was amazed by how much movement I felt from him the entire day... almost as if he was fully aware of what was going on and just as excited for the arrival of his big brother.

We made the rest of the drive down to the agency. I clung to my phone the entire drive, anticipating a call at any moment from Tracey or the case worker facilitating the placement, letting us know the actual time they wanted us at the agency. We had been told that placement could happen any time between noon and 4pm. Rather than risk being even a minute late, we got down there as early as possible, and figured we would just wait for the call while wasting a little time close by.

We had lunch at Rubio's. My hands were shaking and I'm pretty sure my nerves made me eat much faster than I should have. At one point my phone rang mid-bite and my heart raced... until I realized it wasn't a call related to our adoption. I decided not to answer, partly because I still needed to catch my breath and partly because I was afraid of missing the call we were waiting for.

After lunch, we made our way to a nearby shopping center where there is both a Target and a Babys R Us. I don't remember now what additional items we were looking for, but we stocked up on a few more things that would come in handy. Walking the aisles of baby products this time felt so different. I felt safe to be excited. My guard was down and I imagined using the diapers and feeding with the bottles... the reality of having a baby felt so tangible... finally. I swear I could smell that new baby smell and could feel the smooth skin that only newborns have.

Just as we were getting in the car to leave the shopping center, we got the phone call. We were to be at the agency in the next 45 minutes. We were only maybe ten minutes from the agency, so we wasted a bit more time filling our gas tank, washing the windows, and throwing out the random receipt or other stray piece of trash from the little pockets in the car. Somehow the time passed rather quickly and soon we were on the road, leading to the agency.

We arrived. I was feeling such a wide range of emotions. Some were my own. Some were what I imagined Tracey to be feeling. I couldn't allow myself to get swept away in the joy of the moment, knowing there would be some aching on the other side. I felt more confused in my emotions than ever before.

We were led back to one of the larger rooms in the agency, where Tracey was waiting for us with her mom and her daughter, and her little son. We hugged. Almost immediately she placed Benjamin in my arms. I was overwhelmed with love... for him and for her. I couldn't believe how perfect he was. So small, so new, so fresh from heaven. He naturally cuddled into my chest and let me love him. It is a moment I won't ever forget.

We exchanged some gifts, received some instructions about his feedings and schedule, and took a few photos. And, before I knew what was happening, Tracey was hugging me and walking out the door. Without any warning, the emotions of the day that had been building suddenly released and I was sobbing. Uncontrollably. She looked back as she got to the door, but turned and kept on going. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to make sure she knew how grateful we were. I wanted to tell her how much her choice was changing our life. I was so afraid that I hadn't adequately expressed our love, our gratitude. I wanted to run to her, but I didn't want my tears to make it harder for her... or for her mom... or for her daughter. Walking away as she did must have already been hard enough.

It all just felt so unfair. Here we were leaving our burdens of pain and heartache at the entrance of the agency. Holding my little Benjamin made all the years of heartache and all the tears of sorrow melt away. Immediate joy filled the space that for so long knew only pain. And, on the other side, here was Tracey exiting out the same door, but with new burdens waiting to leap on her back. I felt guilty. I felt a bit responsible. How could I feel okay with feeling such joy, knowing there was pain and heartache being felt on the other side?

That was the struggle I felt in the immediate days that followed placement (and still do a bit today). My tears of joy were equally mixed with tears for Tracey, not knowing for sure what she was feeling and how she was handling all the postpartum emotions. The aching for her and the rejoicing for our little bundle of joy were totally intertwined with each other. Inseparable. The more joy I felt, the more I was reminded of the selfless sacrifice that brought Ben to us.

So, back at the agency I tried to take some deep breaths to calm my emotions. I held onto Benjamin so tightly, hardly able to believe that he really was going home with us. We finished up our part of the paperwork and within maybe five minutes we were out at the car getting Ben buckled into his car seat.

I jumped in the back seat with him, while Marc drove us the three hours back home. Ben fussed a bit at first, but almost immediately fell asleep. I offered him my finger and he held onto it the entire ride home. I had a hand-holding boy! Oh, the joy! At different points along the drive, I had Marc turn on the overhead light, just so that I could admire the beauty of our little baby. I was overwhelmed and so in love. We had found our little boy. Or, more accurately, Tracey had found us... and she made us a family. The wait was finally over.

When we were about half way home Marc made an observation that I agreed with wholeheartedly. He said, "You know, for some the arrival of a baby feels like a bit of a burden... but, having Benjamin with us actually feels like a huge burden has been lifted."

Perfect, simple declaration of how we both felt.

And, in the almost four months we've now spent with him in our family, we continue to feel that way. It has felt like he has always been a part of our family. He has slipped perfectly into his place in our hearts and in our family. There is no joy greater than what we have experienced as being his parents.

People sometimes tell us how lucky Benjamin is. The truth is WE are the lucky ones. To have been blessed with such a priceless gift of a son, through the compassion and selflessness of such an amazing birth mother. It is a blessing that will continue to bring an abundance of love and pure joy to our lives.

Our Adoption Story - the Birth

I keep thinking that with time it will get easier to write down the final details of our adoption story, the happy ending of bringing home an angel boy. But, I'm still feeling as insecure as ever in finding the right words to adequately express the emotions of those moments; the experiences that effectively turned our world right side up again. 

After so many years, filled with disappointment and loss, our world literally started to feel like it had been turned upside down. Particularly after losing our twin daughters, we seemed to enter a dark winter early that year, which then seemed to last longer than any winter ever should.

Then came Tracey. There is so much you don't know about Tracey. She is one who has faced her own steep mountains. Multiple steep mountains. She has not had an easy path and is not a stranger to pain and disappointment. And yet, here she came into our lives with the most loving, unselfish heart, offering to give us the one thing that would melt away the wintry darkness that hung over our heads. She gave us the greatest gift - the gift of a family - no doubt knowing that to some extent that gift of healing to us would only add another mountain for her to climb. And, still, she did it.

Saturday, December 26th, as I was leaving from working my afternoon shift at the temple, I turned on my cell phone to find a message from Tracey. I was excited to see she had called, but wasn't expecting anything more than her wishing us a belated Merry Christmas, since we hadn't connected the day before. Instead I heard an excited/anxious voice telling us that she'd been having contractions for approximately that last fifteen hours and that they were starting to progress even more. 

My parents and my sister, Dawnette, were in the car with me. I don't remember for sure how I relayed the news to them, but I think my tone was rather subdued and a little in shock - "So, Tracey's in labor." And, then I called her back to find out how she was doing.

Our phone call started with her asking for me to "hang on a sec", since she was right in the middle of a contraction. I silently counted to forty-seven (or so) before hearing her come back on again. She apologized and I assured her there was no need for an apology. She was still at home, but figured she'd be heading to the hospital soon. We talked for about six minutes when she needed another forty-something second break again. I think that's when it hit me that this little boy was really on his way. When she came back on this time, we decided it was best to end our conversation so that she could focus on her laboring and I could focus on my pleadings for everything to go okay. She asked if we wanted updates through the night, to which I replied that no matter the hour we would be anxiously waiting to hear from her.

When I got off the phone, I sat in silence for a bit until someone (either my Mom or my sister, I can't remember who) asked why I wasn't calling Marc to tell him.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea, I thought. I was still trying to let the news sink in. I don't remember a thing about my conversation with Marc, but I know I called him. (Maybe he remembers our conversation....)

That two-hour drive home was spent looking out the window, into the dark tranquil evening, allowing my mind and my heart to soak up the anticipation of finally meeting the little boy who was meant to come to us through this miracle called adoption. You see, about five years ago (before we officially jumped into adoption) I had a very specific experience that helped me understand that one future day I'd be holding a little boy that would come to us through someone else. I didn't fully understand the experience at the time, but looking back I sense it was definitely a moment of preparation for this blessing.

Later that night, around 10pm, we received news from Tracey that she was at the hospital and already at a seven. Just two nights before that we celebrated Christmas Eve... but the night of the 26th felt a million times more exciting than any Christmas Eve I had ever celebrated. I don't know how we managed to fall asleep, but we did.

I kept my phone right next to the bed. At 2:03am Tracey called. Her precious little son was born only 31 minutes before that. I could hear his little noises in the background. He was actually here. Tears came immediately as the most overwhelming joy washed over me, which was then followed by a feeling of indebtedness to Tracey for bringing this joy to our life.

How could we ever pay her back for a blessing like this? Would she ever fully understand how much this one act of hers is changing our lives forever?

After finding out that she and baby were both doing well, we ended the call. Marc was awake, ready to hear the details. Our mutual shock kept the conversation short and the silence of the night eventually lulled us back to sleep.

We went to church the next morning with the decision to keep the news of Benjamin's birth to ourselves. I don't know why, but there is something that I love about savoring special moments like this and hanging onto them tightly before feeling ready to share the news with others. I don't know if that is weird or selfish, but that's just the way I am I guess.

We talked to Tracey a few times throughout the day. We were relieved to hear that she was recovering well, surrounded by family and close friends, soaking up every moment with her newly born baby boy. We also heard from the agency and started making plans to drive down the next day for the placement. After hearing so many other adoption stories, it all felt so surreal to be smack-dab in the middle of living our very own personal adoption story. 

Monday morning, Placement Day, came. After all these years and so many tears, it felt like the dawning of a new day, a new beginning, a bright morning after a very long, dark night.

(Those details to come soon. I really am sorry that this is taking me so long... but, better late than never, right?)

*In a week or so, I'll be moving this Adoption Story post and the next (final) one to follow in order after the other previous Adoption Story posts, found here and here.

So in love...

I've never felt a greater feeling of love than I do this year.

There is something about watching Marc in moments like this that just melts my heart. Seeing him naturally fall into the role of Daddy has made me fall in love with him on a completely different level. 

And, I never would have imagined the kind of love I'd feel when I look into these beautiful blue eyes.

Then, to feel the constant movements of the little one on his way...

I'm literally overwhelmed with love from every angle.

And on this holiday that celebrates love, we can't help but celebrate Ben's birth mother, Tracey. After all, I know of few other selfless acts of love that can even compare. She has taught us the meaning of true love and we have a daily reminder of how blessed we are because of her love for her son and for us. We love her so much. 

(Speaking of which, hopefully the final part of our adoption story will be up soon. I think you can see how hard it would be to divert my attentions from this cute little one.)

Love. Pure love.

Our Adoption Story - Meeting Tracey

There are a few details that I meant to include in that last post, about how Tracey found us. 

When Tracey first discovered she was pregnant, adoption was not an option. It wasn't until after a specific conversation with someone close to her that the idea of adoption first entered into her mind. But even then she wasn't convinced. After some time had passed she finally decided to meet with someone at LDSFS, just to get some more information. 

That was when she met Jean - the same Jean that had been working with us for the last couple of years. As their first meeting came to a close, Jean offered to show Tracey some profiles of couples hoping to adopt. Tracey agreed, but with one request. She wanted to look at couples who had been waiting the longest. That was when Jean thought immediately of us, since we'd been waiting for over two years.

Our profile wasn't active online, but our agency had hard copies on file of our pictures and letter. Had Jean not thought of us, there would have been no way for Tracey to find us through the agency's website. Jean grabbed our profile along with a few others and gave them to Tracey. It was ours that she looked at first.

We have Jean to thank for thinking of us, heaven to thank for the special feeling that Tracey felt with us and not any of the others, and ultimately Tracey to thank for choosing us. Although it still took some time for her to be convinced that adoption was in fact the right choice for her and her baby.

So, with time and some work on her part, she was reassured of those initial feelings and that was when she contacted us. 

After a couple of months passed and our schedules lined up, we set up a time to meet in person, in early November. Marc and I met up with Tracey for lunch at a little local restaurant down by where she lives. We were pretty nervous. Although, not nearly as nervous as we were at our first meeting of a birth mother. I think since we had done it before we were a little more comfortable with just being ourselves with her, without worrying too much about what to say or how to act. 

We entered the lobby of the restaurant and the waitress immediately knew to direct us to Tracey's table. She pointed down the first walkway of tables and there in the distance was a woman sitting at a booth by herself. She was facing our direction and when she looked up and saw us, we knew she was the one. We made our way to her table and greeted with hugs. 

It seemed like it took us forever to get our order for the waitress, because we were so distracted with getting our conversation started. We talked about our families, about things going on in our lives, and just general get-to-know-you kinds of information. She told us about her 5-year old daughter, and I was struck with the way it made her eyes light up. 

Tracey and I even shared french fries (because apparently I was craving them that day), which normally would have felt really awkward for a first time meeting, but there was nothing awkward about even something as potentially awkward as that. That was when I knew this was not our typical first time meeting with someone who should be considered a complete stranger.

While we chatted and got to know each other, I wondered if others around us knew what an important day this was for us. I wondered if they saw Tracey and her growing belly and made the connection that we were brought together because of the baby she was carrying. These were all thoughts swarming around in the back of my mind throughout lunch... and I think I finally decided that people probably weren't even slightly aware of the magnitude of our meeting in that little booth by the window. 

Our lunch together lasted for a couple of hours and then we headed to Baby's R Us together to pick out a car seat. That was another moment, among other shopping mothers, that I wondered if people saw the three of us together and put the pieces together. 

We parted ways in the parking lot, with the promise to meet again very soon, which we did. Our next lunch meeting was about three weeks later, with the same comfortable and familiar feelings. And, finally one other dinner date that also included Tracey's daughter, my parents, and my sister (along with her husband and their two darlings). 

That dinner happened to fall on December 22nd, three weeks before Tracey's expected due date. I never would have guessed that in less than a week from that night that we'd be meeting again, this time to be introduced to little Benjamin.

Our Adoption Story - First Contact

* Marc and Benjamin, taken 1/29/10

Telling this story is far, far overdue. Marc is snuggled deep in the couch with Benjamin and since I have both my hands free I decided to use this time to fill in the details of our adoption story. Well, at least what I can get in before my hands are needed to do a more important work.

After we lost our twins we had decided we weren't ready to jump back into adoption or start trying to conceive on our own again. Emotionally we needed time to heal. Even though we weren't sure exactly how much time we would need, we did feel very strongly that we would know when the time was right and what the right direction would be.

Throughout the summer, Jean, our LDSFS case worker, contacted us three different times about some unique adoption situations that she was aware of and wondered if we'd be interested in. We were open to each one, but none of them ended up working out.  

Then, on August 31st, around noon, we received this email from Jean:

Hi,

I’ve got a birth mother who is interested in knowing more about you. Do I have your permission to give her your email address? Her name is Tracey and she’s due January 11, 2010. She’s read a hard copy of your BP letter and pictures. Sounds like we may need to schedule a home visit to update your home study.

Jean

It sounded a bit more promising than the other situations she had contacted us about, but we were still a little hesitant to get too excited. Still, for the rest of the afternoon I was just about glued to my laptop, checking my email at least every half hour. Finally after six or so hours of that, and feeling like I might go crazy, we got ourselves out of the house to run a few errands. When we got back home, we were so relieved to find an email in our inbox.

An email from Tracey.

I would so love to share the entirety of that email, but this is one of those situations where I feel there are certain details that are meant to be kept sacred. But, I will share the very first paragraph, which was so direct that it took us totally off guard.

Hi Marc and Megan,

It's a pleasure to be able to talk to you. Thank you for that. I wanted to be the one to personally tell you that I have chosen you to be the adoptive parents of my baby. I really wanted to do this over the phone, but email will work. I would like to tell you about my experience and how I came to choose you. So bear with me. 

With most other contacts we'd had with birth mothers, the decision (especially in the beginning) never felt certain and we were often left feeling like we had to compete with other couples and try to prove ourselves. But, reading Tracey's opening paragraph literally took my breath away. And, since I was reading the email out loud for Marc, I had to pause multiple times to catch my breath and keep the lump forming in my throat from bursting. 

From that very first contact, there was a different feeling about Tracey and a different feeling about the baby that was soon on his way. And, that different feeling gave us a calm assurance that melted away our fears and doubts. It's amazing, really, the immediate bond of love we felt for Tracey even before meeting her in person and the bond of love we felt for Benjamin before he entered the world. 

Since that first email in August I've felt this certainty again and again that our first contact with Tracey was actually a reconnection of paths and relationships that had their beginning long, long ago. I'm convinced that our (re)connection with her was divinely guided, all because of a special little boy named Benjamin. 

Answered Prayer and Aching Arms

I went to bed last night with a headache, caused by worry and exhaustion. Ben had fallen peacefully to sleep after his 9:30pm feeding. I carefully laid him down in a propped-up position, at the recommendation of Dr. Pediatrician (to keep the acid from refluxing). I quickly went through my nighttime routine - washed face, brushed teeth (dry heaved, at least once), scraped tongue (gagged again), divided up the formula for at least three mid-night feedings, laid a big fat kiss on my man, and finally collapsed to my knees at the side of my bed.

As I started to voice my thanks and then my pleadings for heaven's help and relief on behalf of our little boy, a tender feeling filled my heart. I knew I wasn't alone in my love and concern for Benjamin, and I felt reassured that I wouldn't be left without the intuition and ability to be his mother. As my prayer came to a close, I hoped that Ben was at least partially aware of my prayer for him, knowing this is only the beginning of a lifetime of prayers I'll send to heaven for him.

Except for the 2-hour stretch from 2:30-4:30am, our nighttime feedings last night appeared relatively calm and painless. (Thanks to answered prayers!) And even though those two hours weren't comfortable, there is a sweetness in being able to gently sway in the dark with my arms filled with so much love, and sing soft melodies of comfort. 

When sleep finally came to us both, I stretched out my aching arms... and thanked God for this kind of ache, (which is a million times better than the empty ache I knew for too many years) and again for Tracey in making this ache possible. 

.

Celebrating Tracey

The night before last the three of us (Marc driving Ben and me chauffeur-style) drove down to The City to spend an evening with Tracey. A group of her friends had planned a special dinner to celebrate her. When we found out we were invited, there was no way we wanted to miss out on an opportunity to join in a celebration like that for a woman that we hold so dear to our hearts. 

It has rained all week. On the drive down we found that parts of the freeway were flooded. In addition, we came across an accident that was blocking the entrance to a connecting freeway that we needed to be on. We tried to find a detour, without any luck. But fortunately (and unfortunately) searching for a detour wasted enough time that by the time we decided to go try the same exit the accident had been cleared away and we were able to continue on our way. Because of the weather and traffic, what would have been a little over a two-hour drive ended up being almost four. We left early, hoping to have some quality time with Tracey and her parents before gathering with her group of friends. Any lead we had tried to give ourselves was eaten away on the crowded and chaotic freeways down to her house. (There are five different freeways that connect our house to hers.)

But, we made it. I was happy that we were able to meet Tracey's father for the first time and let him have a few, though much too brief, moments holding Ben. Tracey had properly warned us of his joking nature, which started the moment we walked through the front door... but I was struck by his big heart and welcoming arms. He is the perfect fit for his equally warm and kind-hearted wife. From the beginning we knew that we wanted Tracey to be a natural extension of our family, but we feel so blessed to also add the rest of her family into our circle of intimate relationships. Benjamin is such a lucky little boy to have so many people who just adore him to pieces. I'm so happy that he is so loved by so many.

Marc and Ben were the only "boys" at the dinner. When Tracey first told us about the dinner, I think we expected a small handful of people gathered around a small table together. Instead we entered the hostess' house to basically find such a large group of women that they were all scattered and gathered in at least three different rooms in the home. I don't even know that I personally met every single person there. The feeling of love and support was overwhelming... and Tracey is so deserving of that and more. 

It was the first time bringing Benjamin out and passed around, since I've been staying home from Church with him until the wintry and virus-y months are behind us. After gulping down his bottle at the start of the party, he slept in many different arms through the evening. I couldn't help, though, but want him to be held by Tracey and her mother. For the short time we were there, that was where I would have preferred for him to be. They did get some cuddle time in, but I just wish it could have been more. 

As dinner came to a close, the large group of women gathered all together. Tracey shared her story. We knew it already. In the very first email Tracey sent us she shared the same details and experiences that led her to choose us. But, standing there in front of her and among this group of women that could appropriately be labeled her Fan Club (of which I'd like to think I'm president), hearing her recount the story with our own ears, witnessing the emotion... it was a moment I will never forget. It will be saved among the most cherished of my life experiences. It was her conclusion, though, that really got me. 

Did she really just thank us? I was stunned. I think I shook my head in awe and the tears just flowed. 

At that point we were invited to say something. Of course we wanted to say something! But, what can you say in a moment like that? My mind was racing, trying to bring all the feelings together into some appropriate phrases that would adequately express some portion of what I was feeling, and have felt for the last few months. 

I know I started off by saying that this all felt very surreal... and after that it's all a blur. I'm pretty sure it was jumbled and disjointed...and totally not anything near what I really wanted and intended to say. Since Thursday night there has hardly been a moment that has passed that I haven't tried to reconstruct whatever I said and then try to change it to be more fitting of how I really feel. And, unfortunately I'm still grasping for the right words... and have almost completely resigned myself to the fact that our language must not contain words that can represent these feelings I have.

But, I won't quit trying because it means a lot to me to put these feelings into words for Tracey's sake, but also for Benjamin's. I want him to know everything about the incredible woman who gave him life. I am in complete awe of her... and still left speechless by her grace in the face of challenge, her selflessness, her courage, her heart that has been refined into the purest gold. I'm convinced that this one act alone qualifies her for the greatest of Heaven's blessings.

It was the highest honor to share in celebrating Tracey on Thursday night. I hope she knows how she's celebrated every single day in our home... and will continue to be for the rest of our lives. Tracey is clearly the one who deserves our expressions of gratitude. Hopefully soon those expressions come flowing into words so she'll know just how much we love and admire her.

Heaven

Benjamin Robert arrived 2 weeks early.

Born December 27th at 1:32am

7 Pounds 2 ounces

20 and 3/4 inches tall

First sleepless night:

Pure Joy. Heaven.

There are no words for how much we love Tracey and this gift of her son.

More to come soon.

Getting the "phone call"

At some point during the darkness of the night, when you're not sure whether you're dreaming or you're awake, my phone rang. It was our caseworker letting us know that Tracey was on her way to the hospital. Her little boy would be joining us six weeks early! My heart raced... almost as fast as my thoughts.

The car seat... it's still sitting in its box downstairs. All the baby clothes still need to be washed. I should have put up the bassinet this weekend, like I had planned to. Okay, okay... don't worry about any of that stuff... just get yourself in the car and on your way down to meet her.

So, that's what we did. While Marc warmed up the car, I was getting together a bag of snacks for the trip. Apples, oranges, almonds, carrots, pretzels, bagels. I knew we were in a hurry, but I swear I was going at the slowest possible rate. My hands were fumbling everything and I was making a huge mess. My thoughts still racing. 

In my mind's eye I saw her. I couldn't tell if the look on her face reflected pain or nervousness or doubt, or some combination of those feelings. Was she having second thoughts? Is she going to be okay? Are we really ready for this? Can we take care of her baby like we've promised? My heart offered a silent prayer for Tracey. Please, God, give her comfort and strength, bless her for her faith and for this sacrifice.

It wasn't until I got in the car and all of these really strange things started happening that I realized I was actually dreaming. 

Phew!

But, I woke up still in a bit of a panic. My heart still racing just a bit. There is so much still to do. And, my subconscious revealed a lot more fears and concerns than what I would admit to having. There is a certain aspect of adoption that appears very simple and easy, but when thrust into the middle of a real-life situation with real-life emotions of real-life people on both sides... my heart teeters between wanting to burst with joy and break with pain. 

I worry about obstacles that might interfere with placement. I worry about Tracey and how she'll handle the grief that follows placement. I worry about my abilities to measure up to the responsibilities of motherhood.

At the end of the day (or in the case of today, at the start of the day), what it finally comes down to is making a choice to lay all of my worries on the Lord. I have a plethora of experiences from which to draw confidence that in His perfect love and omniscience He knows how to take care of me and He knows how to take care of Tracey. In many ways I feel like He has walked with me through the last year of my life. When life felt its loneliest and its darkest, I always felt this abiding assurance that He was there. And, as long as I continue to seek Him out, I know He will always be there.

As crazy as my dream was last night, I'm glad to now have a list of things to get done. Hopefully when that real phone call comes we'll be a little more prepared.

Is there anything else I should add to my list?

**Oh, and by the way, thanks for all the love. I was overwhelmed to tears, again and again, reading all of your emails and comments and listening to your phone messages. I was reminded of the proverb - a shared joy is a double joy and a shared sorrow is half a sorrow. 

Blessings - Part 1

After writing that last post, I intended on writing a follow-up the very next day. I thought I would finally find the right words to share what happened next. But, I'm still struggling.

Have you ever experienced something that feels so special that, while your heart shouts for joy, shouting it from the rooftops seems inappropriate? Instead, you want to whisper it quietly into the ears of those who are closest to you, hoping that they'll feel the sacredness of what you're sharing.

Over the last couple of months, we've felt completely overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the healing we've found in the last year. Choosing to go through every grueling part of the grieving process has turned out to bring a new beauty to life. And, in seeking to know and understand my role and purpose in this season of my life, I've found answers come in the form of blessings that I never expected, that I never could have dreamed of.

Here's me whispering in your ear...

On the last day of August, we received the first bit of unexpected and joyful news. Even though we hadn't officially gotten back into adoption, we received an email from Tracey, a birth mother, letting us know she had chosen us to adopt her baby boy. The experiences that led her to find us have felt so clearly Divinely guided. From our first contact with Tracey, we have felt the Lord's hand in this blessing, this miracle. And, I can't help but wonder what role certain angels have played in helping this all to happen.

It is difficult to express the love and admiration we feel for Tracey. I have struggled a bit with the contrast of emotions that come with this approaching adoption. While we feel joy at the blessing this little boy will be in our family, we know the choice for Tracey is not an easy one. It pains me to think of the grieving process she faces. We know something of pain and heartache from losing a child and it hurts to think that she might be experiencing some of that. That's why I'm so relieved with our mutual feelings about having a very open adoption. I hope that through the years we can somehow find a way to adequately express our love and gratitude to Tracey.

As expressed in this article about adoption, our greatest hope for Tracey is that she will find "that from the ashes of [her] deepest pain, [God] has made something beautiful."

I find great comfort in my firm assurance that she and I share the same loving and merciful Father who sees the full picture of our lives and knows the details of every feeling, every unspoken yearning, every hurt and every fear. Because of His perfect love, He knows how and when to send the right joys and pains that will teach us lessons of life that will help us become who He intends for us to become. He clearly works in mysterious ways... and I'm constantly amazed at how perfectly those mysteries are resolved.

Baby Boy is expected to arrive January 11th.

(That's only seven weeks away!)