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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Getting the "phone call"

At some point during the darkness of the night, when you're not sure whether you're dreaming or you're awake, my phone rang. It was our caseworker letting us know that Tracey was on her way to the hospital. Her little boy would be joining us six weeks early! My heart raced... almost as fast as my thoughts.

The car seat... it's still sitting in its box downstairs. All the baby clothes still need to be washed. I should have put up the bassinet this weekend, like I had planned to. Okay, okay... don't worry about any of that stuff... just get yourself in the car and on your way down to meet her.

So, that's what we did. While Marc warmed up the car, I was getting together a bag of snacks for the trip. Apples, oranges, almonds, carrots, pretzels, bagels. I knew we were in a hurry, but I swear I was going at the slowest possible rate. My hands were fumbling everything and I was making a huge mess. My thoughts still racing. 

In my mind's eye I saw her. I couldn't tell if the look on her face reflected pain or nervousness or doubt, or some combination of those feelings. Was she having second thoughts? Is she going to be okay? Are we really ready for this? Can we take care of her baby like we've promised? My heart offered a silent prayer for Tracey. Please, God, give her comfort and strength, bless her for her faith and for this sacrifice.

It wasn't until I got in the car and all of these really strange things started happening that I realized I was actually dreaming. 


But, I woke up still in a bit of a panic. My heart still racing just a bit. There is so much still to do. And, my subconscious revealed a lot more fears and concerns than what I would admit to having. There is a certain aspect of adoption that appears very simple and easy, but when thrust into the middle of a real-life situation with real-life emotions of real-life people on both sides... my heart teeters between wanting to burst with joy and break with pain. 

I worry about obstacles that might interfere with placement. I worry about Tracey and how she'll handle the grief that follows placement. I worry about my abilities to measure up to the responsibilities of motherhood.

At the end of the day (or in the case of today, at the start of the day), what it finally comes down to is making a choice to lay all of my worries on the Lord. I have a plethora of experiences from which to draw confidence that in His perfect love and omniscience He knows how to take care of me and He knows how to take care of Tracey. In many ways I feel like He has walked with me through the last year of my life. When life felt its loneliest and its darkest, I always felt this abiding assurance that He was there. And, as long as I continue to seek Him out, I know He will always be there.

As crazy as my dream was last night, I'm glad to now have a list of things to get done. Hopefully when that real phone call comes we'll be a little more prepared.

Is there anything else I should add to my list?

**Oh, and by the way, thanks for all the love. I was overwhelmed to tears, again and again, reading all of your emails and comments and listening to your phone messages. I was reminded of the proverb - a shared joy is a double joy and a shared sorrow is half a sorrow. 


Kate said...

UGH! You can't DO that to us Megan . . . had my heart racing for you . . . no more panicky "getting the call" dreams, k? :)
It seems like you've got things well in hand with getting ready for your little guy . . . I pray the next 6 weeks will fly by . . .

Ashley said...

I had dreams that we'd bring the baby home and I'd take the diaper off to change them and would realize it wasn't a girl but a boy. I'd freak out saying "the room is PINK we have PINK clothes and why didn't anyone TELL us it was BOY?!"

I told my brother-in-law about the dreams and he came up with a simple solution.

"Easy. If it is a boy, just tack an "N" on the name on the wall."

(our daughter's name is Julia.)

The nightmares continued until Carri actually delivered a girl.

You'll do great. Lots of prayers coming from our home for you guys.

Jolie said...

Oh, I can so relate with your feelings...the worries, the fears, the hope, the excitement! Being an adoptive mother comes with its own array of emotions. Especially when you're still in that waiting period and don't yet know how or even if it's all going to work out. An adoptive mother in our ward gave us some interesting advice before our baby arrived that proved to be very helpful to us. She said, "Don't worry if you sometimes feel like babysitters that first night you bring the baby home. It's perfectly normal and it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. You just be the very best, most loving babysitter you know how to be and in a day or two you will KNOW THAT YOU ARE THAT BABY'S MOTHER. You will know it." That advice proved to be so helpful for me. Our baby boy was so adorable and so easy to love but on that first night all the scenes of that day at the hopital kept playing through my mind... his birth mother's tears and pain in saying goodbye to him, all the paperwork to sign, etc. It all made me very aware that I had not been the one to give birth to him. And although we bonded easily, it took a day or so for it to sink in that I was his MOTHER and not just his adoring aunt or babysitter. Adoption is a wonderful, wonderful blessing and miracle but as you say in your post, there are some unique emotions that come with building your family this way. My prayers are still with you and your baby's birth mother.

Mindy said...

Hahahaha!!! I was so into this! I was thinking we might even get a picture of him! Hahaha! So naughty and funny at the same time! P.s. Do you have any names picked out?

Head Nurse or Patient- you be the judge said...

Megan- as I think I have commented before- I am mother to 4- three from my body and one from my heart. The next few weeks will be stressful- it is, in an odd way, your sharing in the experience. Pregnant women have weird dreams- but for that matter- so do all "expectant" mothers. I don't know how or why, but that is how it seems to work. The afternoon our son's birthmother was in labor was the most stressful, anxious time. And my sister in law mentioned it was almost like transistional labor.

Hoping with all my heart for the safe and just speedy enough arrival of a wonderful blessing.

brossettelewis said...

Oh my heart leapt for you thinking "6 wks early is ok, my boys were 6wks early too, you can do it". I had to read it twice to see that it was a dream. You and Tracey are in my thoughts. I can't wait until his placement is complete.

Brenley said...

Seriously I am just so giddy for you! And I can't wait to see this miracle unfold!

Liz said...

I think you sound very prepared. I wouldn't stress out about what you need because no matter how much you have, you'll still send your hubby to Wal-Mart twice a day for the first two weeks!! I found that out the hard way. Just have a lot of burp clothes and blankets because babies can be very "leaky."

Oh, by the way...CONGRATS AGAIN!! I just can't seem to say that enough!

Carrot Jello said...

don't forget the camera.
I did that with Cherstin, so my doctor gave me a disposable one.

You really scared me at the beginning.

KieraAnne said...

Ah, I thought you were serious. I would make sure to have the list of people to call and/or make a group email (I call mine baby list) so you only have to send out one mass msg with all of the details rather than individual ones....yeah and remember the camera definitely...and don't worry if you completely panic the first day home. I remember with my first I was scared to go home with the baby. I was amazed that the doctors/nurses seemed to expect me to just take care of it all the time by myself...of course by the third it was no big deal...but the first it seemed like everyone expected me to just KNOW what to do or what she wanted because I was the MOM and the MOM has final she hungry? is she cold/too hot? should I wait to feed her? Do you think we should give her a bath? Everyone seemed to think I had the answers. It was very intimidating. Good luck!

KieraAnne said...

Also, I generally try to have everything ready by 37 wks, just in case. The crib/bassinet set up, at least the first two packs of diapers bought, clothes washed and put away, etc...

Jelaire said...

I almost wet myself! Whew. I'm glad I didn't. Nathan will be too. :) Congrats on getting the little guy! Do you have a name picked out, yet? I can't wait to hear more when we see you!
Love you!

Sam and Lacey said...

WOW!!! Megan I am so excited for you. I seriously can't believe it. What a blessing. What an amazing christmas gift. Oh the feelings. Adoptions is so tuff. I know exactly what you are talking about when you said that it will hurt to see her hurting. I had a REALLY hard time when we got Nic. I had an idea of the kind of grieving she was going through and it killed me. I did not want his Birth mother that I had grown to love so much to hurt like that. In the end she has said that she knows it was the right thing even if it did or does hurt. Hang in there. I would say adoption is definantly not the easy way out. It is so dang emotional. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. PLEASE. I would love to chat with you via email. My email is incase you lost it. Also the blog for the auction items is