Getting the "phone call"

At some point during the darkness of the night, when you're not sure whether you're dreaming or you're awake, my phone rang. It was our caseworker letting us know that Tracey was on her way to the hospital. Her little boy would be joining us six weeks early! My heart raced... almost as fast as my thoughts.

The car seat... it's still sitting in its box downstairs. All the baby clothes still need to be washed. I should have put up the bassinet this weekend, like I had planned to. Okay, okay... don't worry about any of that stuff... just get yourself in the car and on your way down to meet her.

So, that's what we did. While Marc warmed up the car, I was getting together a bag of snacks for the trip. Apples, oranges, almonds, carrots, pretzels, bagels. I knew we were in a hurry, but I swear I was going at the slowest possible rate. My hands were fumbling everything and I was making a huge mess. My thoughts still racing. 

In my mind's eye I saw her. I couldn't tell if the look on her face reflected pain or nervousness or doubt, or some combination of those feelings. Was she having second thoughts? Is she going to be okay? Are we really ready for this? Can we take care of her baby like we've promised? My heart offered a silent prayer for Tracey. Please, God, give her comfort and strength, bless her for her faith and for this sacrifice.

It wasn't until I got in the car and all of these really strange things started happening that I realized I was actually dreaming. 

Phew!

But, I woke up still in a bit of a panic. My heart still racing just a bit. There is so much still to do. And, my subconscious revealed a lot more fears and concerns than what I would admit to having. There is a certain aspect of adoption that appears very simple and easy, but when thrust into the middle of a real-life situation with real-life emotions of real-life people on both sides... my heart teeters between wanting to burst with joy and break with pain. 

I worry about obstacles that might interfere with placement. I worry about Tracey and how she'll handle the grief that follows placement. I worry about my abilities to measure up to the responsibilities of motherhood.

At the end of the day (or in the case of today, at the start of the day), what it finally comes down to is making a choice to lay all of my worries on the Lord. I have a plethora of experiences from which to draw confidence that in His perfect love and omniscience He knows how to take care of me and He knows how to take care of Tracey. In many ways I feel like He has walked with me through the last year of my life. When life felt its loneliest and its darkest, I always felt this abiding assurance that He was there. And, as long as I continue to seek Him out, I know He will always be there.

As crazy as my dream was last night, I'm glad to now have a list of things to get done. Hopefully when that real phone call comes we'll be a little more prepared.

Is there anything else I should add to my list?

**Oh, and by the way, thanks for all the love. I was overwhelmed to tears, again and again, reading all of your emails and comments and listening to your phone messages. I was reminded of the proverb - a shared joy is a double joy and a shared sorrow is half a sorrow.