The process takes time

Within weeks of losing our twins, we were bombarded with all kinds of well-intended advice, some from perfect strangers.

Jump back into adoption.

Become foster parents.

Go back to school.

Find a new fertility specialist.

We weighed all of these options and then some more. Ultimately we knew we just needed time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. Our broken hearts wouldn't heal properly by simply rushing into the next phase. We knew that. And, we felt confident that the right answer would come at the right time.

Plus, to be completely honest, for the first time I was questioning the one possibility I had always been too afraid to consider.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother (in this life). 

That was around the time when my prayers changed. My pleadings became drastically different.

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In the early springtime, I started reading the biography of Ardeth G. Kapp, an amazing woman who has lived a life of joy and satisfaction while still yearning for the blessing of motherhood. 

I've been struck by her faith, encouraged by her perspective, and inspired by her example. This part especially sunk deep into my heart, and swirled around for days and days of quiet pondering:

"One night, as my husband and I were reaching for that 'kindly light' to lead us 'amid the encircling gloom,' we read a statement from President David O. McKay: 'The noblest aim in life is to strive... to make other lives... happier.' "

"Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel."

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Sometime in May we went to see this awesome movie. It hit so close to home, especially those first ten minutes. I felt like we were watching our-animated-selves on screen. As we walked home from the theater afterward, we made silent promises to ourselves and each other that we wouldn't put off our fulfilling our dreams and living our adventures (with or without kids in tow). 

Within weeks we bought our tickets to Italy, our own Paradise Falls, a dream that had been put on hold for far too long already.

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One evening in mid-August, after returning home from a particularly powerful Church meeting, with messages that seemed to come directly from heaven straight to my heart, I voiced some feelings to Marc that I never imagined I'd ever experience.

If this is it... if this is the way our life is meant to be lived - just the two of us - I'm really okay with that. We have a happy marriage, we enjoy life together, we really have it pretty good... how can I be disappointed with what I've already been given?

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I don't know if it was necessary for me to get to this point of acceptance - not that acceptance means losing the desire to have children - but, taking the time to go through this process has been good for me. In daring to ask some hard questions, I've found a new measure of peace and healing. I'm learning to completely entrust my desires and my dreams into the hands of God, seeking to know and accept His plan for my life.