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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The process takes time


Within weeks of losing our twins, we were bombarded with all kinds of well-intended advice, some from perfect strangers.

Jump back into adoption.

Become foster parents.

Go back to school.

Find a new fertility specialist.

We weighed all of these options and then some more. Ultimately we knew we just needed time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. Our broken hearts wouldn't heal properly by simply rushing into the next phase. We knew that. And, we felt confident that the right answer would come at the right time.

Plus, to be completely honest, for the first time I was questioning the one possibility I had always been too afraid to consider.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother (in this life). 

That was around the time when my prayers changed. My pleadings became drastically different.

~~~

In the early springtime, I started reading the biography of Ardeth G. Kapp, an amazing woman who has lived a life of joy and satisfaction while still yearning for the blessing of motherhood. 

I've been struck by her faith, encouraged by her perspective, and inspired by her example. This part especially sunk deep into my heart, and swirled around for days and days of quiet pondering:

"One night, as my husband and I were reaching for that 'kindly light' to lead us 'amid the encircling gloom,' we read a statement from President David O. McKay: 'The noblest aim in life is to strive... to make other lives... happier.' "

"Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel."

~~~

Sometime in May we went to see this awesome movie. It hit so close to home, especially those first ten minutes. I felt like we were watching our-animated-selves on screen. As we walked home from the theater afterward, we made silent promises to ourselves and each other that we wouldn't put off our fulfilling our dreams and living our adventures (with or without kids in tow). 

Within weeks we bought our tickets to Italy, our own Paradise Falls, a dream that had been put on hold for far too long already.

~~~

One evening in mid-August, after returning home from a particularly powerful Church meeting, with messages that seemed to come directly from heaven straight to my heart, I voiced some feelings to Marc that I never imagined I'd ever experience.

If this is it... if this is the way our life is meant to be lived - just the two of us - I'm really okay with that. We have a happy marriage, we enjoy life together, we really have it pretty good... how can I be disappointed with what I've already been given?

~~~

I don't know if it was necessary for me to get to this point of acceptance - not that acceptance means losing the desire to have children - but, taking the time to go through this process has been good for me. In daring to ask some hard questions, I've found a new measure of peace and healing. I'm learning to completely entrust my desires and my dreams into the hands of God, seeking to know and accept His plan for my life.


11 comments:

JessicaP said...

Beautifully expressed. Thanks Megan. You make me want to not be so complacent!

Kate said...

oh Megan . . . I'm so pleased that you're coming to that point . . . it's so HARD to come to a point in your life when you can lay aside all the plans you've made for yourself that haven't come true and trust completely in our Father's perfect plans for us . . .
I was there once after dealing with the whole infertility struggle . . . I got taken back to a place where I wasn't "ok" after our loss . . . and I'm struggling back to that "ok" place again . . .
thank you for your sweet example to me! :)

dust and kam are hoping to adopt! said...

Amazing post Megan... and it seems that I can totally relate.

When I watched UP, I really thought I was watching the movie of my life and I loved it. I loved that we were/are happy with where we are right now! I love that we can find joy with just the two of us. I love that this post reminded me of those times when I came to terms with just being US. I love the knowledge that I have that if I am not a mother on this earth, I know I will be a mother in heaven. That is all I need.

Thank you for reminding me!

Andrea said...

Megan,
You are one of the most amazing women I know. Thank you for sharing all you have and continue to share. I learn so much from you. Thank you!
Love,
Andrea

The Pollards said...

Your strength and honesty make me want to strive for something better and more reason in my daily life. Megan you are a stalwart and obedient servant.

Becky Rose said...

I bought her book just for that reason too- to find out how she could live a life with out being a mom. I've wondered how some single women I know got the answer to not go on a mission. All seem so contradictory to Heavenly Fathers plan. I got to that point of being ok with not getting married or being a mom, at least to the point of saying "yep- I'm poor and I don't know how I'll support myself for my entire life as a single woman but the Lord has always taken care of me and he always will" And now I'm getting married and I'm still poor financially, but I also still know that Heavenly Father will take care of me and us.

If mother hood is not for you in this life, I find that sad. BEing single it's easier to be childless. Because of the procolomation on the family i know a child needs 2 parents, so I would never deny a child that. But it's hard for me to see couples not have children. They should have them. I want them to have them- especially those that deal with infertility- they of all people should have them.

Mindy said...

I can always relate to so much of what you write even though in a partially different circumstance. Thank you!

Inkling said...

This is EXACTLY what I needed to learn and hear today. Thank you so much for sharing it. God is wanting me - leading me - to come to a place of acceptance in this season of life, and I've been fighting Him. Reading your words just now helped me stop fighting and start listening. Thank you.

Allred Mom said...

Megan.....
You are amazing!
Thanks for all the thoughts you have shared with me.
Thanks for being you, an incredible young woman of faith.
The Lord has incredible blessings in store for you and I can't wait to see you enjoy all of them!

Love ya!

Leslie said...

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you commented on my blog today. i don't check blogs very often anymore and if someone comments on mine it reminds me to check theirs... so i am so glad you did... because this posting was inspiring to me.
YOU are so strong and i am in awe of you. when you talked about the movie UP, i was just amazed. we just saw that movie... what a tender movie. but you are right, we shouldn't put off LIFE as we wait for other things (blessings) to come our way. that is something i keep having to tell myself.

i am SOOOOOOO glad you got to go to Italy. that is a dream of mine... but i am afraid it does have to be ... someday.

thank you again... you are amazing.

Familia Fowler said...

So. freaking. excited...for the baby! And you guys too! What a lucky little guy he is...