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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Blessings - Part 2

Ten days.

Ten days ago we couldn't keep the news for ourselves anymore. Even the thought alone of bringing a little boy home just days after Christmas has our hearts wrapped in the most joyful and reverenced feelings. I can only imagine how it will actually feel. After all these years, all the "almosts", to have a baby to bring home with us. And, then to think of the selfless love that will be involved, I think my heart just might burst. 

This little boy, destined for our home, was the initial opening of the windows of heaven. As if that alone wasn't big enough to be enough. We've been filled to overflowing with this unexpected, incredible news. But, for some inexplicable reason, we received an amazing second portion of blessings. The same amount of time you've now had to let the news of our adoption sink in, ten days, is the same amount of time we had before our discovery of "Blessings, part two."

Are you ready for this?

Ten days after we received our first email from Tracey, I woke up for the fourth morning in a row fully expecting the arrival of that dreaded monthly visitor. On that fourth morning when it still hadn't arrived, I finally gave in and took a test, fully expecting to already know its outcome, as it has been approximately 85 times out of 88. (The odds, clearly, not in our favor.)

Instead, the results sent us into shock. I calmly walked from the bathroom into our bedroom with the pregnancy test in hand. Marc was still sleeping, very soundly and peacefully, I might add. I gently nudged him until he stirred a bit and looked at me with his squinted eyes.

In a half-whisper I said, "so, I took a test this morning."

His simple reply, "And?" 

Me: "It's positive."

I said it just like that. Very matter-of-factly. No exclamation. No screaming. No jumping up and down. There weren't even any tears, of joy or of fear. There was, however, a slight hint of a smile trying to form around the corners of my lips. Marc reflected the same cautious hint of joy.

I soon realized there was a thick protective coating of numbness around our hearts. It didn't help that these sequence of events felt very uncomfortably like we were reliving an awful deja-vu from the spring of 2008. If you remember, we had been chosen to adopt a baby boy, which then followed with news that we were pregnant with our twins. Having things sort of fall into the same chain of events, honestly, made me very uncomfortable. The two main thoughts I had during that time when we were tentatively about to add three kids to our family in one year, were - "our blessing, finally, after waiting for so long" and "this is just too good to be true."

I've refrained from thinking either of those things this time around. Instead, I've just tried to enjoy each moment, hoping and praying for the strength to handle whatever the outcome might be (with both anticipated blessings). 

I called my doctor right away. That very day she sent in an order for blood tests, 48-hours apart, to check my hCG levels. The results would offer me some peace of mind for 12 more days, until my first ultrasound. That same peace of mind has been reapplied, almost as if it's melting away that layer of numbness, with every appointment, every ultrasound, every sign that new life is forming within the walls of my broken tabernacle.

Our first two pregnancies were five years apart. I thought maybe I was on the "five-year plan." Well, and actually, after certain complications following the birth of our twins, I was warned of the possibility of never being able to conceive again. Ever. Not that that news was any different than the fall of 2006 when the Reproductive Endocrinologist I was seeing flat out told me, "you'll never conceive naturally."

I've been tempted, now, a second time to call her and tell her that she was wrong. Twice.

Somehow we have conceived a baby.




I'm far enough along that my nearly inch-deep "innie" is not nearly so deep, though not yet considered an "outie." I've started to feel the early subtle movements of our little babe. The week after next we will find out if Baby Boy will have a little sister or a little brother.

They will be approximately four months apart. Almost like twins. One coming through an angel named Tracey and one coming through my healed womb.

Both miracles.

Both gifts.

Both blessings.

Both dreams that have cost us too many tears to count.

Both worth every ounce of pain and heartache of the last almost seven-and-a-half years of waiting.

If ever there was a time that I've felt first-hand the reality of the Law of Compensation at work, it's now. As beautifully stated by Elder Wirthlin, just before his death,

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

The feelings of gratitude we now feel, as we shed tears of rejoicing, cannot be contained in words.


brossettelewis said...

I am too emotionally involved to not know you better than I do. I am so happy for you. I was updating my sister that you were due (I tell her about some of my imaginary TTTS friends) on her birthday. The fact that your having 2 more, so close, "twin-like", makes me so happy. Congratulations!

Ashley said...

I'm sitting here with my jaw around my ankles. How beautifully wonderful.

You deserve every bit of a blessing that this is.

Many congratulations on your children!!

Mindy said...

Oh, my word!! I will be praying for your health and new baby's health!!! I am sooo happy for you!! I think it's a girl! Big brother needs a little sister. :) Miracles *do* happen!!!!

Jeremy and Becky said...

This is exciting news to hear! I am so happy that your second chance to grow your family has arrived! This is great!!! We have kept you in our prayers since the funeral.

Rick & Liz said...

Oh my word I had a friend direct me to your blog. Reading your story was like reading our own all over again! Our baby boy is due in January coming from our sweet angel birth mom. Our miracle #2 is coming as a complete very welcomed surprise due in May. We were told the same things you were told by our RE. We have experienced 2 miscarriages one at 4 weeks 5 days and one at 10 weeks. We are now 15 weeks pregnant. Our babies are going to be 4 months apart. You took the thoughts right out of my head with what you posted at the end. I had never heard that quote on compensation before and I absolutely love it! Thank you for sharing your story! AMAZING MIRACLES! Congrats to you guys!

Andrea said...

Oh my goodness!!!! I am completely shocked and so unbelievably excited for you. I thought I had chills with your first blessing now I have huge goose bumps. Miracles do happen!! Oh, I'm so happy for you guys. You desire everything. Love the compensation you are receiving. I am just so THRILLED!!!!

The Wright Family said...

I'm in shock! This is such wonderful news! You and Marc will be the most amazing parents!

Heffalump said...

I'm so incredibly happy for you all! That is amazingly wonderful news, and I am just thrilled to hear it!

dust and kam are hoping to adopt! said...

So, so happy for you two!! Unexpected Miracles and Blessings are the best! :) It's all so exciting!!

Allred Mom said...

Just wanted you to know that lots of hugs are coming your way...I can't wait for the births of both of your babies. I'm going to love being an "adoptive" aunt to both of them! I'm so glad that you have finally been able to share this news, too! (Otherwise, with your cute little prego belly people are going to start thinking your gaining weight! lol)
Once again, even though we knew, reading it on your blog was such a treat!
We am so excited for you and Marc!
We love you both, tons!

KieraAnne said...

WOW! I was so excited for you to hear of the upcoming adoption, and now you're expecting as well!? That is amazing! Although I imagine you'll get some strange looks carrying around your newborn boy while lugging your prego belly too. You could always say you have two uteruses like that lady on the news who conceived twins several weeks apart in two different uteruses. Okay that was random, sorry. Enjoy every minute of it, this couldn't have happened to a more deserving couple. Congratulations and please keep us updated on both babies! :)

Amy said...

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Seriously, ask Jared. I was like, "watch, she's pregnant, too."
Darn I'm good :o)

Anonymous said...

long time reader, first time commenter. I have followed your journey for a year or so and cried when I read so many of your posts. I am dealing with infertility myself and found solace in your words. I am so so so so so so so happy for you.

Amanda said...

There aer tears flowing from my eyes! I don't know if I can type. I am SOOO excited for you. Prayers continu on your behalf. ALL of you!

Head Nurse or Patient- you be the judge said...

I too finally got pregnant about 9 months after we adopted our son- although they are not twins in age- they are close enough- I am so thrilled for you- hopes and prayers!

Brenley said...

tears of pure joy! and compensation indeed! i am seriously so excited watch this all unfold in the coming months. HIS plan is beautiful! And I think you are having another boy!

Courtney Lee said...

Oh this is too wonderful for words. You deserve every blessing that comes into your life and more. I am so happy for you and Marc and it will be such a joy to continue reading about your journey in the next couple of months. Congratulations. You have always been in my prayers. I am so excited!

Kelly said...

Megan! How exciting for you!

Funny story - awhile back you posted something that made me think you were pregnant...and I've been waiting for the announcement ever since! I don't think you were pregnant at that time - but I was ready to hear about it!

What a lovely Christmas gift for you - anticipating 2 additions to your family in the coming months. Reading your blog lately has been like opening a bunch of early Christmas presents. :-)

I'm so happy for you, I don't even know how to express it. I hope you'll let me know if I can help you out in any way.

I do have a single stroller you can have/use (until you need a double!).

Good luck with EVERYTHING!

Ence Family said...

How exciting!!! We are so happy for you! You both are going to be excellent parents no matter how close together they are going to know my mom and dad did it and survived!!! We wish the best for you and your little ones!! Sending all our prayers and love! Blessings indeed!

mindyluwho said...

I am so thrilled for you! What a wonderful Christmas present for me to hear it! And for you both. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Inkling said...

I am so excited for you and praying for you too! I won't write a novel here, but suffice it to say that you will definitely be in my thoughts in these coming weeks and months as you wait for your two blessings. =)

Kim said...

You don't know me, but I can't help but commenting. :) What beautiful, miraculous blessings. God is so faithful to us and he gives us so much more than we can hope or dream or imagine. This is such a testimony to me in my time of waiting. Thank you. Many, many prayers for you!

Carrot Jello said...

WAHOOOO! Congratulations! You are both so deserving of this!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! That's the greatest news!

Isn't comforting that the Lord knows the whole plan? :)

PS. I'm amazed at the strength the two of you have shared through your blog, and the strong desire you have in having a family. Thank you so much for opening up this chapter in your lives to us!

Carrot Jello said...

...not that others aren't, but...well, you know what I mean.

Yvonne said...

I'm so happy for all of you. You will be in my prayers.
Isn't it wonderful to know there are still miracles.

Kaija said...

your story and your testimony bring me so much hope.

Becky Rose said...

so excited for both your miracles!

Mariah said...

Wow. I don't know you, but I cried with you through your heartaches and now I'm crying with you in your joy! What a blessing. Congratulations!!

kimsueellen said...

Megan, I am in awe and in tears as I read this. Heavenly Father works in a mysterious and in an amazing way. After being at the other end of a miracle now (for four wonderful months) I am still shedding tears of gratitude.

I am SO thankful for your blessingS and for the opportunity to watch you and Marc finally become parents in this life.

Huggs and my prayers are with you.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

You made me cry again!! My husband told me I'm not allowed to read your blog when he's around because he always thinks something horrible is happening because I'm crying! I'm so happy for both of you and can't wait to hear more about your little bundles of joy!!

Sam and Lacey said...

tears are streaming down my face. Aren't those little angels amazing? I know they had every detail worked out. It gives me chills. It is such an amazing tender mercy. Our little angels planned every little detail our for us and it was such an amazing experince to witness the tender mercy's they gave us. It was like they were wrapping their arms around us rejoicing with us. I can't believe it. CONGRATS!!! Your little girls Elliana and Emmaline love you dearly. I hope you feel them near.

hillishilarity said...

I knew it I knew it I KNEW IT! Somehow - I just knew you were going to post this. What a joyous, thrilling (and still nerve-wracking!) time. I keep you and your health and your angel birth mother and now your BABIES health in my prayers daily.


Calamity Jane said...

I keep checking for an update to hear what the date is and then I realized I could at least mention how many people I shre this news with and just how happy I am for you!

The Pollards said...

Oh Mega I she been away from the internet and am writing this on my blackberry with a huge smile on my face. The news keep sharing is so powerful. I didn't have your email handy to let you know our Layla Mae came a week ahead of her scheduled c section and was born last Friday the fourth She weighed 5 lbs 8 oz and was 18.5 inches long. I have written the blog however have no access to internet to post it. This was the only way I could think of telling you. Hope to update you soon.


Megan, I found your blog and have cried tears of Joy for you and your husband. What wonderful news. It is such a blessing to read this post... Being able to adopt, and finding out you are expecting. I hope to get to know you and if you do not mind would love to follow this amazing journey with you. Congratulations... You deserve this. Many Blessings,