Christmas Reflections

It has been a wonderful month with my little family, leading up to today's celebration. I've loved watching Ben and Hugh start to catch on to the whole idea of Santa Claus, but even more starting to understand the real reason is to celebrate Jesus' birth. They seem very familiar now with the role of the three wise men, thanks mostly to Marc's role and costume at our Church's Christmas dinner.

I've especially loved the quiet moments with my little Lucy. I love her so much, to the point that my heart aches with love. (Not that I don't love my boys just as much... it's just a different love.) I don't know quite how to describe it. I think there is some aspect of feeling extra protective of my baby girl, as well as some part of me that is reminded of how much I love my other two girls.

But, there is something extra magical about celebrating Christmas with a baby around. It seems so much easier to imagine being Mary, holding her precious newborn, anticipating what blessings and surprises the future will hold for that little one. I can't imagine what emotions she must have experienced knowing her perfect, tiny babe would be the most important person ever to come into the world.

The other day at church, my heart was particularly tender and as we closed the final meeting with Away in a Manger, the words overwhelmed me to tears. Since I was the one leading the music, I tried my best to hide it, but at one point I was too choked up to even get the words out.

We had just had a lesson, based on this talk by Elder Holland (my favorite talk from this past General Conference). I was feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude for the Savior's love in my life, for His willingness to fulfill His mission, His willingness to suffer for my pains and sins, His willingness to die so that we can live again and find purpose in living when life falls apart. He has been with me through life's hardest moments, I've felt it and know it without a doubt. He has been my source of strength and hope.

Lucy had fallen asleep in my arms about half way through the lesson. The weight and warmth of her little body cuddled up against mine filled my heart with so much love. Love for her and love for the little Baby born so long ago, making it possible for my little family to be eternal. But, not just my family. Every family. Those grieving families in Connecticut. I'm still thinking of and praying for them.

So, after that particularly touching lesson and with my little Lucy still softly sleeping on my shoulder, as we sang the final verse of that Christmas hymn, there was no way to keep the tears from coming.

Be near me, Lord Jesus; I ask thee to stay Close by me forever, and love me, I pray. Bless all the dear children in thy tender care, And fit us for heaven, to live with thee there.

This is precisely why it's the most wonderful time of the year. Music and words that make us pause and reflect and recommit and prioritize. The challenge now, like with every year, is to remember those reflections and promises to try to be just a little bit better and remember the love and role of our Savior just a little bit more.

Baby blessing

While we were in Utah, we decided it would be a good time for Lucy to be blessed. My sister, Mandi, also blessed her nearly-three-month old Ezra on the same day. Usually baby blessings are done in church, but since we were attending a congregation that wasn't our own we made arrangements to have Lucy blessed at my sister's house after church.

As I dressed Lucy in her white blessing dress (with a pink slip underneath), I thought of my Grandma Hedy. She made the dress over 40 years ago for my older sister on her blessing day. That same dress was then worn by me and Mandi, and then again by my sisters' daughters - McKayla, Audrey, and Talea. And, now I was able to dress my baby girl in the same blessing dress.

As I handed Lucy to Marc and he was joined in a loving circle of other important men in her life (her Daddy, Grandpa, Uncles - Jamie, John, Matt, Danny, Dwight, Adam, and cousin Colton), I loved the feeling of protection and strength that came with that visual. I felt a calm reassurance that my little Lucy will be just fine with such good men in her life protecting her and loving her.

I won't recount here the specifics of her baby blessing, but there were some beautiful promises made and I got a tiny glimpse into the special soul of my baby girl. I feel so blessed and lucky to be the mother to this little spirit.

Announcing...

Lucy Jane. 

Born July 10, 2012 at 4:55pm. 

Nine pounds, seven and a half ounces. 

Twenty-one inches long. 

We are in heaven.

We'll be back to share more soon...

Keeping perspective

I don't know if I'm remembering the final weeks of my pregnancy with Hugh wrong or if I really am a whole lot bigger and rounder than I was with him. At this point I'm on track to gain the same amount that I gained while pregnant with him, but it seems like the clothes I was wearing in the final weeks with him are barely covering my belly at this point... and I still have three weeks left (give or take). It's making me feel pretty self-conscious and I've started to like the idea of disappearing to some private location for the final weeks, where I don't have to listen to all the unwanted comments about my size and how very pregnant I look. Wouldn't that be nice?

But, really, as uncomfortable as these final weeks can be, I'm trying to just enjoy these final moments of special bonding that only she and I will share. I was really grateful for a random moment at the grocery store last week that put things back into perspective for me. I was picking out a watermelon when another young-ish mother came over for some watermelon-picking herself with a young toddler in her cart. I'd been feeling very large and somewhat uncomfortable and dreading how much worse it's going to get in the next few weeks, seriously questioning how my belly can possibly get any bigger. She turned to me and said something along the lines of "I sure miss feeling like I was carrying a watermelon." I kind of laughed, thinking she was being a bit sarcastic. But, then in our brief exchange I realized she was being completely sincere.

As I walked away I was reminded of how special and miraculous the whole process is and how deeply grateful I am to have been blessed with this most incredible blessing. Not to mention how much I dreamt and hoped for the chance to be largely and uncomfortably pregnant not too long ago, honestly not knowing if it'd ever be something I'd get to experience. I'm hoping to keep that perspective in these final weeks and allow my wonder and awe at every movement and hiccup to keep any discomfort from distracting me from the beauty of it all.

I am so excited for those first moments with my baby girl when I'll find that familiar feeling of just knowing we've known each other all along. It's the same feeling I felt with each of our children and it always leaves me feeling so overwhelmed with love, for them and for an incredibly merciful Father in heaven who has blessed me beyond measure.

The big question? Answered!

The night of November 3rd, just hours after getting the initial shock that we were expecting again, I made some comment to Marc about our baby and referred to the baby as a "she" without even thinking about it. I caught myself as soon as it came out and kind of shook my head, unsure of how/why it slipped out like that.

But, with every comment we've gotten over the last few months that would go along the lines of "I bet you're just hoping for it to be a little girl..." I would make sure to respond with "we will be so happy, whatever the baby's sex." And, I really meant it, too. I LOVE having boys and would love a whole house full of them!

Then, last night I had a dream that someone was handing me my baby and said, "here's your little daughter." So, I woke up this morning just wanting to finally get the answer to the big question. And, this is what we learned:

And, I have a hilarious husband, who will one day be famous for his comics. This is his interpretation of what we saw today:

There's a whole lot more running through my mind and heart, but that'll have to come a little later... it's precious nap time right now and with the sun shining, the windows opened and the birds chirping, I'm hungry for a little quiet time to do some private reflecting. The windows of heaven have definitely been opened on my little family.

Number Three

For the last (roughly) six weeks, I've been trying to recover from shock that I'm pregnant. Not too long ago I was complaining to a friend about people who ask me what has become the most dreaded question: "are you going to have more kids?" There are a few reasons the question bothers me.

One, it's such a personal question that doesn't have a simple answer and in most cases I don't want to give anything but a simple answer, which usually means my answer of "I really don't know" is probably not a very satisfying answer to most people.

Two, even though I've managed to get pregnant three times in the past nine years, my stats clearly aren't anything to brag about. Getting that question reminds me of the painful reality that I have no idea where I stand in my battle with infertility.

And, three, honestly I feel so blessed with these two boys (and our two on the other side), that to be blessed with any more would just feel greedy. In fact, a few months ago when a friend offered to let me hold her newborn, not only did I not feel baby hungry for a new baby of my own, I also had zero desire to hold her baby. Is that weird?

To be honest, we really thought we might be done. At the very least, we decided we wouldn't even consider adding to our family until the boys were at least three years old.

As that pink little line immediately appeared, the very first emotion to stink deep in my heart was the most overwhelming exhaustion. Not that I was suddenly tired, but the exhaustion that is sure to come... being pregnant while running after two nearly-two-year olds and then the exhaustion of having three kids under three. Ben will have just barely turned two-and-a-half and Hugh just barely two, when this baby is due to arrive.

Not to mention the overwhelming worry about my parenting qualities drastically dropping with an addition so soon. While getting pregnant right now was not the plan, in the last six weeks, between episodes of throwing up and spending endless hours curled up on the couch all while yelling at the boys to stop hitting each other or to get off the kitchen table (clearly, the drastic drop has already begun), I have started to feel the overwhelming exhaustion turn into the most overwhelming love.

Love for this new little miracle. Love for my two boys who seem to know something is a little off and show their concern with extra love and kisses. Love for Marc who I interrupt in the middle of his work day to change nearly all of the poopy diapers, which he does without a single complaint. Love for my parents who have made sure the boys get some real play time and I get a little rest time every single afternoon, along with the meals they've brought over. And, finally, love for the Giver of life and that for some reason He has blessed us again with a new life, a new little miracle.

So, some of the nitty-gritty details: I'm ten weeks along and due sometime around July 8th. Morning sickness is just as awful as with the last pregnancies. Even with the miracle drug, Zofran, I'm still throwing up about once a day... at least it has eliminated those days a few weeks ago when I was getting up to three times in per day. Not fun. I've lost eight pounds in the last month. If things continue like they did, then I can expect to be throwing up for another ten weeks.

One upside to having such terrible morning sickness is that I keep thinking that adding a newborn to the mix can't be too much harder than what the last month has been like. Or maybe I'm just delusional. That could be.

Three kids suddenly feels like a million. Maybe it's just the fact that both boys will still be so young. If people at church are enjoying the little show we put on every week right now, it's about to get a whole lot more entertaining!

Hugh learned a new word!

Lucas

I was happy to get an update today about my little nephew. First order of business - his name is official now: Lucas Collins Christian. He is home now with his family and adjusting to life in the real world.

Thanks to the wonderful world of skype and the magic of video chat, I got my first glimpses of little Lucas, his head of dark hair and his pleasant disposition. (The photo below was snapped through skype.) 

I was trying to capture Audrey's sweetness in adjusting to her little brother. She started inconspicuously by gently rubbing his knee, then moved to pointing out the animals on his sleeper, 'meowing' as she pointed to the tiger. Then, came the big move of touching his little hand. She was so sweet with him. I'm sure this is only just the beginning of sweet moments they will share together, and only the beginning of our attempts to capture those moments.

Newest nephew

I've been thinking a lot today about a little boy. A heaven-sent little boy; a little boy who has possibly had interactions in the last year with our little girls, his cousins. He's scheduled to make his arrival tomorrow morning to the loving, waiting arms of my sister and her husband. I live far away and won't be there to welcome him. But, you better believe it's high on my list of priorities to spend some quiet moments with him, hoping he'll whisper in my ear all the mysteries of heaven. Or, at the very least, that his presence will bring some reassurances.

I'll be thinking of my sister tomorrow, and the sacred experiences that will come with the arrival of her son, wishing I could be there with her, like she was for me a year ago. While many of our family members gathered around us for the girls' memorial this time last year, Mandi was already in town to help me post-surgery and was at the hospital with us the night of July 16th - the night Elliana and Emmaline were unexpectedly born. She felt what we felt in that sacred place; she held our girls. And, she held my hand at 4am the following morning when I woke up in a panic. There are no words to express the love and relief I've felt for her presence in my life, especially that night, such a big moment in our lives.  

For that reason and so many others, I wish I were there with her for this big moment in hers. I feel confident that the dawn of a beautiful morning is around the corner, with the welcome of a little Mr. Christian. I wonder if he already understands how blessed he is. Not only does he have the most compassionate mother and generous father, he has the most adoring big sister. Not to mention an aunt and an uncle with lots of love to give.

And... a very cool sports bathroom.

Welcome to this adventure, little man. Can't wait to meet you.

Some photos of Audrey

I spent the majority of my getaway with Mandi and Audrey... how can you resist taking pictures of a cute little one like this? Believe it or not, this is only a small portion of the photos I took!

Check out Audrey's long lashes... so lucky!

Smilin' at Mamma Mandi:

Cutest tongue... ever!

Go Cougs!

The cute new family - Mandi, Adam, and Audrey

When I took this photo, I'm pretty sure I heard her say "Hi Aunt Meg!"

My sweet getaway

I'm obviously really behind and probably have a few upset blogging friends who I've kept in such intense suspense about my little vacation... well, this, is for you!

My sweet getaway was centered around two main purposes:

This...

(This petite princess is my little sister's new baby, Audrey. She is about 6 weeks old.)

and, this...

(This big-eyed-beauty is my older sister's new baby, Talea. She is almost 4 months old.)

I hadn't seen either of them, though I had tried to hurry Talea out of the womb when I went to "help Dawnette after delivery"... only that I missed the birth altogether because Talea decided to be three weeks late. Maybe a little stage fright.

After totally getting my flight plans scheduled for the wrong days with Talea's birth, I decided to wait until after Audrey was born to make a trip out to meet her for the first time. When my parents left on their mission, I promised my Mom that I would take care of my sisters around delivery time, in her place... though, I discovered there is no way I can ever fill those shoes! But, it was nice to have that promise to her as my excuse to spend quality time with some of my family.

And, so last week I had the incredible experience of meeting two new nieces for the very first time... and just doted around like the proud "Auntie Meg" that I am. I cherish that title, I tell you.

And, on top of meeting these two darlings (as if that isn't enough blessedness for one girl to have), I also got to see 13 of my nieces and nephews, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, 2 brothers-in-law, a turtle named "Tiny Tim", and a puppy named "Haiku".

It doesn't get any better than that. :)

(stay tuned for some photos, coming soon...)

Baby Shower for Allison

One of my really good friends from my childhood had a baby shower a few days ago that I was able to attend. Allison and I were both in the flute section of our sixth grade band class. It's amazing to me that we've been friends for more than 18 years. I feel blessed to have her friendship that only seems to strengthen over time. It was so fun to spend the day with her, celebrating the upcoming arrival of her baby boy, Rafael. She was glowing and more beautiful than ever. She and her husband, Pedro, will be fantastic parents. I am so excited for them! Here's Allison at about 36 weeks:

Mandi's little Audrey

I posted the other day about my little sister being in the hospital to have her baby, and in case there was anyone wondering how that went, everyone is back home - happy and healthy. Mandi and Adam are the proud parents of a baby girl, born at 11:57pm on Thursday, the 29th. She weighed 6 pounds 8 ounces and measured 18 and a half inches long. They have decided to name her: Audrey.


For those of you who know my sister, you know that she has always been a big fan of Audrey Hepburn, so it feels very natural for her to have a daughter by that name. With the fantastic parents that this little Audrey has been blessed with, she will no doubt possess great beauty, grace and poise. We're thrilled for them and can't wait to meet the newest addition to our family!

Trailing clouds of glory...

Today my heart is full. I got a phone call early this morning from my little sister, Mandi. She was calling to let me know that she's at the hospital, awaiting the soon arrival of her first child, a baby girl. I am overwhelmed with feelings of love, joy, and excitement at her news. My thoughts and prayers are with her today as she has this most sacred experience of bringing a sweet little spirit into the world today.

I thought I'd post one of my favorite poems and a couple of my favorite quotes. Babies truly are miracles, such precious gifts from God.

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting
The soul that rises with us, our life's star
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forget fulness,
And not in utter nakedness
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God who is our home.

- William Wordsworth

About sixty years ago, F. M. Bareham wrote the following:

"A century ago (in 1809) men were following with bated breath the march of Napoleon and waiting with feverish impatience for news of the wars. And all the while in their homes babies were being born. Who could think about babies? Everybody was thinking about battles. In one year between Trafalgar and Waterloo there stole into the world a host of heroes: Gladstone was born in Liverpool; Tennyson at the Somersby Rectory; and Oliver Wendall Holmes in Massachusetts. Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky, and music was enriched by the advent of Felix Mendelssohn in Hamburg." (We might add, and Joseph Smith was born in Vermont, four years earlier.)

Quoting Bareham further:
"But nobody thought of babies, everybody was thinking of battles. Yet which of the battles of 1809 mattered more than the babies of 1809? We fancy God can manage His world only with great battalions, when all the time He is doing it with beautiful babies."

To quote Spencer W. Kimball on this topic:

"When a wrong wants righting, or a truth wants preaching, or a continent wants discovering, God sends a baby into the world to do it. While most of the thousands of precious infants born every hour will never be known outside their neighborhoods, there are great souls being born who will rise above their surroundings.....one mother gives us a Shakespeare, another a Michelangelo, and other an Abraham Lincoln. When theologians are reeling and stumbling, when lips are pretending and hearts are wandering, and people are running to and fro, seeking the word of the Lord and cannot find it - when clouds of error need dissipating and spiritual darkness needs penetrating and heavens need opening, a little infant is born."

Big weekend for my sisters

The only place I want to be this weekend is in Utah. Yesterday was my little sister's baby shower. She is due in a month, awaiting the arrival of her first baby - a little girl. And, today my big sister is blessing her sixth child, another little girl.

So, in honor of my two sisters and their exciting events this weekend, I wanted to let them both know how much I love them and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I'm thinking of you and sending all my love to you this weekend!

I am so blessed to be the middle girl in my family - I have these two amazing sisters who have always surrounded me with love and support through everything in life. They are amazing sisters - I love them dearly!

(To be fair, my five studly brothers are equally amazing! Sometime I'll have to post about them, too.)

This is Dawnette holding me... when? I'm not sure... maybe when I was about a year old? I was sure to be a hit with her, since she was surrounded by five brothers until I came! :)


And, here I am showing Mandi around the neighborhood, in our 3-wheeler, low-rider. (Don't you love our expressions?!)

I love you both! I'm wishing I were there with you today and everyday. Sending you big hugs!!