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Monday, March 2, 2009

Honesty is the Best Policy

After writing that last blog entry, I hesitated a lot before publishing it. Then, I almost took it all back once I did make it public. Thanks to those who responded, either publicly or privately, with such love and understanding... your words have helped more than you know. I feel a mixture of embarrassment, shame, and guilt for the feelings that I've felt, only some of which I've shared here. But, they are real and as much as I hate feeling these very ugly feelings, it has been a huge relief to admit to having them and start to be healed from them. I'm just sorry to give a glimpse for everyone to see such an ugly side of my heart. Even so, I feel like it was incredibly liberating.

Before I left to live in Italy for a year and a half, I went through two months of intense language training. The six years before that were spent learning Spanish, which was my declared focus of study at the time. I was so afraid of forgetting the Spanish I had worked so hard to learn, that every time I learned something new in Italian, I would automatically translate it back into Spanish, hoping that I could somehow hang onto my Spanish language skills and learn this new language at the same time.

Well, it was not easy. In fact, it was terribly difficult... and the more time passed the more overwhelming it became. But, I would not admit that to anyone. I was afraid that I would be looked down on, I was afraid that I would be a big disappointment to those I loved the most, I was afraid of admitting that I wasn't smart enough or strong enough. Everyone else seemed to be doing just fine... what was wrong with me?

Then, one night I found myself laying in my bottom bunkbed, sharing a room with three other girls, and very quietly having a little breakdown. I couldn't sleep. The stress of the situation had gotten to be too heavy. Three weeks of faking it to everyone, three weeks of pretending that I was understanding everything, three weeks of speaking "Span-talian"... saying things like "muy bene." I was making a total fool of myself, all because I was too proud to ask for help, too proud to even admit that I was struggling.

That dark night, with silent tears wetting my cheeks, I had reached my limit. Somehow I found the courage to entrust my fears and my failures with God. I admitted that I was struggling, I acknowledged the overwhelming situation I found myself in. I told Him I was having a hard time and I pleaded for His help. It was so hard to express those feelings... I didn't want to disappoint Him. That was my biggest fear. If I admitted it was hard, then maybe He would regret having confidence in me.

But, that lonely dark night ended up being a turning point. The hardest part - admitting it was hard - was out of the way. From that point on, the language seemed to come easier, partly because I was honest with myself and with others about a burden that had become too heavy. 

As simple as that experience was, it has helped me to remember the important lesson I learned - that being true to the feelings I feel and honest with where I need help, only puts me in a position to receive the help that I need. It is a huge relief to be reassured in those painfully honest moments that I am not a disappointment. And, if I'm not yet a disappointment to God, then maybe I'm still doing okay. 

He has not abandoned me, even in my most ugly and awfully embarrassing moments. I've made sure to let Him know how deeply sorry I am for the feelings I've been having, and I can feel Him helping me through them in a healthy way. I'm being honest with my feelings and in response, He is blessing me with healing. He truly "healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." (Psalms 147:3)

So, maybe that phrase "honesty is the best policy" even - and, maybe especially - applies to our prayers.


Allred Mom said...

Megan you truly are amazing to me!
Heavenly Father is not disappointed because He knows who you are and He knows your heart. He knows what you need and He will provide it for you!
Love you!

brossettelewis said...

I'm sorry for the weight of emotions you are experiencing. I think about your girls often. I hope you can experience joy soon.

JessicaP said...

You're beautiful Meg! It stinks that progression has to be painful. I know I always try to avoid it. I'm glad you are confronting it. You're in my prayers.

Brenley said...

I love you! You are an amazing women, with strength I can only imagine in myself. You should never apologize to anyone for mourning and working through all the feelings that come with this gigantic trial. I have felt a few of these feelings on a much smaller scale of course as I am sure alot of people have. The fact that you can sit down and put your feelings and thoughts and emotions into words is an ability that I wish I had. Even with the anger you have over the loss of your beautiful daughters, I can still feel your beautiful testimony as I know Heavenly Father does too! I pray for your continued healing

The G Fam said...

You do not know me. I read your blog (usually a couple of entries at a time) and although I may have commented once (I think) we share very similar pains, but a bit different. We have two angels also, but our two were not twins and had birth defects that ended up not being compatible with life, so we had them for a short time before they left this earth. We are going through adoption (hoping to get a little boy in the next week or so, pretty complicated matter currently) and understand the need to continue with our family. Anger is a part of grieving. It is a hard part of grieving, but the feelings are there. I was angry when those around me would get pregnant with ease. I was mad while we had to lose two, and all those around us are able to have healthy child after healthy child. But I found that anger does no good if you let it linger. So allow yourself to be angry, but turn it over to our loving Heavenly Father if you feel it consumes you. Losing your babies really sucks. It is doubly hard to lose two, and there are few who truly understand. I pray that you will find the peace (and that you will understand what I am trying to say.) I have done my best to move on, and my biggest aid has been relying on Heavenly Father and finding peace in the scriptures. Hang in there, and best of luck with your family growing. I pray a little one (or ones) will come into your life soon!
Heart hugs,

Karen Moise said...

Megan, I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Marc. You are so brave to share your story about your girls and their struggle with TTTS. You have already touched so many people and know you will touch many more to come. I will be praying for your sunshine to come soon!

Calamity Jane said...

Megan, I am finding out the less I hide my weaknesses, the less ugly they become. It seems that hiding real problems is a heavier burden to carry than sharing. I grieve with you. I see no ugly here, just shared sanctified pain, but I am sure you already know that. I Love you tons! I wish I could carry some of this for you.