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Sunday, March 29, 2009

One simple truth

A few weeks ago, while driving in the car and having a serious conversation with Marc, I had a very strong impression come to me. I will share just part of that impression... it was that at some point (whether in this life or in the next) I would look back on this precise period and feel one of two things. Either regret that I let grief overcome me for longer than necessary (and turn me into a bitter, angry, prematurely-aged-old-woman) ... or relief that I was able to allow myself to grieve long enough and healthily enough to find true joy again.

I decided in that moment that I wanted to look back and know that I grieved deliberately and fully... knowing that going through the process of grief would actually make me free from my pain. While I've at times resisted the anguish and yearned for a pain-free life, I've trusted that somewhere along the way I would find a way to live again, a way to again find joy in beautiful things, and to still love being with those I love. It hasn't been easy to find the balance between healthy grieving and healthy enjoyment... but, little by little some is going and some is coming. 

And, little by little, true moments of joy are replacing the raw pain and heartache that have caused such a heavy burden. I may not ever fully understand the reasons for some of the events in my life, but in quiet moments I'm gaining understanding and seeing things from new perspectives that weren't available even a few months ago. I'm grateful for answers that have come in their own time, and for the loving hand of a Provident God.

The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more this one simple truth rings louder and truer:  

God is good.


Joelle said...

The beauty of what makes us all unique is that we are allowed to deal with situations differently. I had to deal with death very early on and I remember getting annoyed at how someone was dealing with the situation. My mom told me that everyone deals differently and at their own pace and you will never be able to change that and shouldn't try.
I think you are doing all that you can, and if you feel the need to grieve, that's ok too. I still grieve myself sometimes. I "bounced back" quicker than I thought possible, and am not sure why but it's just how I dealt with it. I think MY survival mode was to move on, otherwise I might never have. So everyone is so different, and you are doing just what you need to do, and when!

Deetsgirl said...

Everyone has their own track, I find myself wanting to try to move on, but my heart is still broken.

Michelle said...

Thank you, Megan. I always love reading your thoughts.
I agree that it's better to go through it, and not dismiss the pain by embracing bitterness.
Wishing you peaceful days, and that they outnumber the more difficult ones now.

The Pollards said...

Megan I don't know how to even begin. I hate the way that blogs make things impersonal, but the only way I know how to reach you is through your comment section. I have been reading Baby Mac's parents blog for awhile. Both they and I had the same wonderful photographer take the images of our babies after their passing and had that in common. I found the link to your blog, not by accident, only by the will of my spirit. September 25th 2008 my husband and I once again lost the battle of infertility and the struggle to start and earthly family when our twin girls (Cayla and Marley) were born at exactly 22 weeks. I have not come across anyone who knows of the grief I have felt and continue to feel. We lost a son at 18 weeks a little over 9 months prior to our daughters so unfortunately buying a burial plot, headstone and organizing a funeral was not new to us at all. I would love to email and talk to you if I could and maybe we can grieve together. Our husbands love us and are our eternal companions, however they did not feel the kicks, get the flutters, grow and turn into a beautiful pregnant woman. I try to find solace in my struggles to become a mother, however cannot believe sometimes the hand I have been dealt. If you are interested in emailing I would love to tell you my story and try and recieve not only strength from you, but help you be strengthened as well. My email address is and I hope you consider dropping a line.

Even you do or do not contact me, thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings. I often find that I strive to convey my attitudes and emotions, however struggle to even know how to begin. Thanks again!
Vanessa Pollard