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Friday, February 27, 2009

Murky water


A few days ago Marc and I went on a little hike out at the Lake in our Small Town. It's interesting to keep track of the water levels, since it's usually a pretty good indicator of what our water conservation efforts will be in the coming months. With all the rain we've been getting this month, we were surprised to find the Lake still to be much lower than we've ever seen it.

The Lake - February 2009

It was interesting to come across a photo the other day of the Lake from a day-hike that Marc and I went on a year ago. The island in the upper left corner of the photo below, is the same "island" in the photo above, just from a different angle. As you can see, the water level is drastically lower, compared to its levels a year ago.

This is from February 2008. A year ago. But, somehow, looking at this photo feels like a lifetime ago. What happened to our life? Even though the situation we found ourselves in a year ago wasn't easy, in the least, I look back now in envy of how simple life seemed. Had I only known. Every time I look at this photo, now knowing what I know about what was around the corner, it seems to scream - Entering the Lone and Dreary World.

There are different aspects of this photo that seem to capture so much foreshadowing of things that would lie ahead of us, emotionally. The rocky path, the murky waters in the foreground and the beautiful horizon off in the distance. I had no idea back then, a year ago, the rocky path we were headed towards, the painful waters of grief we'd have to go through, the mountains yet to climb.

The last few weeks have been really hard for me, which is the main reason for my absence around here. I can't really put my finger on the reason exactly, other than the fact that grieving is hard and it's exhausting and it never sleeps. It's confusing, it's consuming, and it's heavy. I've found myself smack-dab-in-the-middle of the grief, wanting to hurry and find my way out. It isn't fun. I don't enjoy it. But, sadly, there is no easy way out. No matter how I try to stall or bypass the grief, it will always be there until I've gone through every feeling, and processed every emotion.

And, let me tell you - there are some surprisingly complex and painful emotions to be felt. I didn't expect to feel some of the feelings I'm going through right now. I thought that I was somehow above, and stronger than, some of the more awful stages of grief. Like anger. But, the truth is that I am angry. There, I said it.

I'm angry about the very young girl down the street who has a healthy baby boy - a baby who is such a burden to her that she has left him to be raised by his grandmother. I'm not angry at her personally... just angry that she got a baby that she doesn't want.

I'm upset at that woman much further away, who got 8 healthy babies to add to her 6. Why couldn't my two come healthy and stay, like hers? Was that too much to ask?

I'm mad that we've been stripped of the innocent bliss and joy we felt early on. As newlyweds, we had so much we looked forward to. We had big plans and bright dreams... so many of which revolved around the little ones we hoped would call us "Mommy" and "Daddy." So many adventures that remain undiscovered still today. Our dreams were so innocent and we felt what-we-thought-was-joy, as we worked to make those innocent dreams come true. There are so many young couples who start out just like us, but who seem to have all their plans work out so smoothly and easily, even if not as perfectly as they had planned. Do they even realize how lucky they are? It's painful to think back to those early days... I really had no idea what was ahead.

It has been lonely to realize how few understand my broken heart... not just the brokenness from losing our twins, though that has broken the biggest part of my heart... but, the broken dreams that have plagued us for six years. I know it doesn't even compare to some out there, but for me this is hard.  

I hate this current stage of grief I'm in and I hope I can get through it quickly. But, through it I will have to go, carefully paying attention to and then purging every painful feeling I feel, hoping it will bring me closer to what I'm so desperately hoping is a beautiful horizon waiting on the other end of this experience.

As painful and as lonely as these murky waters are, I count my lucky stars to have Marc so faithfully holding my hand through this. I cherish him and the sacred relationship we share more than I can ever express.

The deep pain we've experienced together is only making room in our hearts to fully experience True Bliss and Real Joy, whether in this life or the next. I'm convinced that whatever "bliss" and "joy" we thought we felt as newlyweds, we'll find they were only imitations of what we will feel once we come out on the other side of these dark and cheerless waters of grief. 

7 comments:

Kate said...

I've been thinking things along those lines recently too . . . though my trials at the moment are not quite the same as yours, I find myself wondering if Heavenly Father's not pushing me past my breaking point.
Perhaps that's exactly what He is doing . . . pushing us both beyond what we thought we were capable of enduring . . . sanctifying us so that we can be AMAZING servants to Him in the Kingdom that is coming soon . . . I hope that I pass the test.
I know I don't comment as often as I should on your blog, but I do want you to know, Megan, that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I'm grateful for Michelle/Carrot pointing her readers to your blog all those months ago so I could get to "know" you a little bit through your writing.
I know it's unlikely that we'd ever meet in this lifetime, but I hope we do get to meet when Father calls us Home. I would count myself blessed indeed to have you for a friend.

Head Nurse or Patient- you be the judge said...

I can relate to the anger/jealous feelings. During the 8 years of secondary infertility we experienced, every teen pregnancy, sitting in the DR's office for the various tests and being surrounded by pregnant women, even my own sister when she called to tell me whe was expecting her 4th- we had our sons a few months apart- It wasn't that I wasn't happy for her- I was just severely sad for me. When I was called into YW, with 2 of my 6 Mia Maids on probation- one because she had a baby at 14- I seriously did cry and want to know why me-

Sometimes I was fine- and other times- not so much. I had a tubal pregnancy and when the time came that I would have delivered, I was shocked at how my body (mind) kept track- and I was overcome with grief- and frustration- that came came so easy to many of those that didn't want them.

I now have 4 beautiful children, three from my body and one from my heart- he was meant to be in our family, but had to come by a different path.

Peace comes in the morning- or is that mourning?

Hugs!

Allred Mom said...

Megan...
My heart is breaking for you!
I'm glad that you and Marc have each other to hold on to as you continue on this journey of understanding the painful grief and loss of your earthly experience with sweet Emmaline and Elliana, and the other dreams and plans that seem broken.
My love to you! <3

Amy said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately...figuring that things are really, really hard right now.
Megan--you have every right to be angry, mad, and so unbelievably pissed off that you can't see straight. I think it's really good that you're letting yourself feel those feelings--that's the only way that you'll be able to get past them someday. Just let yourself feel...it's the least you can do for you.
I'm so so sorry for what's been dealt to you during that last 6 years of life. It makes no sense to me, and you definitely don't deserve it. I can't wrap my mind aound what you've been though. I just can't.
Just know that we love you out here in Maine and think about you all the time.

Deetsgirl said...

Megan-Thanks so much for sharing. It was my husband that once told me right after we lost Jackson that is OKAY to be angry. I think that was the best invitation that he gave to me. My husband Kyle too is such a strong man of God and I feel that God has used him to minister to me. I only hope that I have been able to help him as much as he has helped me. Tomorrow marks the day that my boys should be turing 1. I struggle with this day. I am reminded of so much on this "due date". When will I not swallow my words when someone makes a comment about my son being an only child? Thanks for allowing me to vent

Joelle said...

Megan,
Just read this post and I wish I could tell you that these are all normal feelings. I have the same feelings too. And I can not agree more that it's grief for the loss of our sweet baby, but also that we are no longer naive to the woes of the world. That we can't just get started on our lives like my friends. I get so tired of hearing the "you will be a mom someday" speech from my friends. Basically, I get it all, and I couldn't have written that better myself. I wish we lived in the same city so we could meet for coffee.
But I'm here in another city, thinking about and praying for you, and wishing nothing but the best for you. I know we WILL get their someday...

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing the innermost parts of your heart...and the honesty...it is real and it is what you need to let out. THANK YOU for referring to Octomom...I can't handle it and it takes everything I have to not blog about it. :) Our feelings are very much the same in this regard. It is frustrating that all around us people are having their dreams come true...seemingly easily. I hate that, the comparing, the constant asking why...I don't know when it stops Megan. I don't know that it ever does. What you have gone through will shape you in ways you never imagined. Even a year after losing our baby, I am still going through things I never thought I would feel or face. Love you...thanks for being a small piece of my heart.