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Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Newness of Spring

image info: the product of my labors last October

I woke up very early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. It reminded me of the immediate days following the birth (or death, however you want to put it) of our twins when I'd wake up with thoughts of them waking me before the light of morning could do its job. It was extra dark this morning, with rain clouds hiding the moon and stars. I sat in silence for a while, soothed by the ticking of a clock. I wandered through the feelings in my heart, finding gratitude for the deepness of emotion that it now knows, while slowly watching morning arrive. It's amazing, really, to watch the very gradual change as the darkness of night dissipates with the power and reach of the sun.

This time of year has brought with it a wide range of emotions, most of them I have been anticipating. Many of the emotions have surrounded flashbacks to a year ago - the joyful tears of finding out our miracle had come, the anticipation of our dream of having a family together was coming true, the dawn was finally marking the end of a long, dark night of waiting. I wish that reminiscning back to those early moments of pregnancy still produced joyful tears... how could they though? It's hard to separate the feelings of joy and pain. I will never lose hope that one day we'll feel that overwhelming joy again... knowing it will run deeper, filling the deep crevasses of pain that have carved their way through my heart.

My thoughts have turned to the ever-constant reminders of the beauty and newness of Spring. There is evidence all around me that life continues, that winter has an end, that blossoms always find a way to bloom again. I've been especially intrigued by the bulbs I planted last October, those potential flowers laid deep in the earth, surviving the harsh, frozen ground, being so gently encouraged to bloom by the warmth of the sun. I've found joy in watching those bright daffodils bloom. And, I've found courage in the process of their growth.

Christmas has always been The Big Holiday of the year. The birth of the Son of God is a big deal, afterall. My celebrations of Easter haven't ever been as big or meaningful. But, I want that to change. I want Easter, with emphasis on its true meaning, to be just as celebrated as Christmas. To focus on the perfect Christ-child who grew into a perfect man, completing His life's missions, leading to the culminating events of His life that fulfilled The Plan. He was the only one able to overcome the two deaths that we are subject to as mortals - spiritual death and physical death. He suffered. He died. And just like He promised - three days later he broke the bands of death.

That bitter death that seems so cold and lonely and endless. He took that away. He did that for you. He did it for those you love who have died. He did that for me; for my little girls - Elliana and Emmaline. Because of Him I will be with them again. His resurrection has never meant more to me than it now does.

There is still pain, but there is also a purpose in that. As we have navigated through the last eight months, I have learned the lengths that the Savior will go to reach us in our darkest hours. Just like the sun's rays reach far and wide to break the darkness of night, the Son of God has reached us in our deepest moments of pain; He has gone into those dark corners of our hearts. I've learned confidence in His concern for me, and in His ability to bring comfort and healing to my heart. His love and perfect understanding of my pain fills my heart with warmth.   

While I've always loved this time of year, words cannot adequately express what it means to me this year.

New life.



All because of Him. 

Why weepest thou - by Simon Dewey


Andrea said...

Oh Megan,
Just beautiful as always. I love each and every word you say. I too have felt like Easter is now going to be so much different than in the past. It is the hope we have of being reunited and getting to raise our babies...oh, what a glorious and marvelous day that will be. Love you!

Familia Fowler said...

I completely agree, Easter should get just as much celebration. The atonement and resurrection are incredible miracles that deserve to be celebrated. We love you guys...

Allred Mom said...

For the last few years, I have come to the realization that Easter is actually more important than Christmas, because without Easter and it's meaning, there wouldn't be a reason to celebrate Christmas.
May you continue to find peace with the knowledge of the resurrection and with it, eternal families! Love ya tons!

Amy said...

You're a beautiful, wonderful woman. I've been so mindful of you over the past nine months that have been so fair to me and so unfair for you. I am so sorry for your painand loss...but so happy for your endurance and testimony.

You are such an incredible spirit. Who knows why we have had to pass through such trials for the simple wish of being mothers, but we that's just been our lot. I pray for you all of the time, and care deeply for you from afar.

Thank you for this amazing post and I pray that your DAYLIGHT will arrive swiftly. No one is more deserving. You, as always, amaze and humble me. I adore the distant friendship that we share and thank you for all of you kind wishes for our little family.

So much love, Amy L

Mindy said...

I always, always love to read what you have written. It also means so much. Thank you. :) :)

Kim said...

Beautiful words Megan. I think of your little family often. I pray for you. I think of you during the oddest times. I just want you to know you are not alone. Thank you for reminding me of the hope of life yet to be lived with those who have gone before us.

Love your daffodils. I remember when you planted the bulbs. Truly miraculous, this Spring is.

Jeff and Lisa said...

Echoing the comments before me, this really is a beautiful post. You help me to see things in a way that helps so much!

Michelle said...

Your testimony of the Resurrection brought me great peace as I read it just now. Thank you for sharing it.
I love Easter, too, just as much as Christmas. Pres. Hinckley said that there would be no Christmas without Easter.
Precious knowledge that I am so, so grateful for.