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Monday, August 11, 2008

At the flip of a coin

I made a quick trip to the grocery store for three items: cereal, juice, and mascarpone (to make tiramisu - the mormon version, of course). The man checking me out... err, I mean, checking my grocery items out, asked me how I was doing. To be completely honest that's a much harder question than it appears to be... because most of the time there's more to the answer than one word, but I know that's all most people want to hear. But, today my answer came really easily - "Not too bad." After it came out, I thought to myself, "yeah, that's a pretty accurate answer of how I feel right now."

As I got back in the car to drive the whole three minutes back home, a song came on... and BAM! The tears were flowing.

Just like that. One moment, doing fine. The next moment, just a sobbing mess. As strange as it is to live with a heart that feels so fragile right now, I'm grateful to feel emotions that run so deep. There is something about feeling this incredibly extreme range of emotions that makes me feel complete, even while feeling an aching emptiness at the same time. 

As I was bringing the grocery bags up to the house, I was grateful for the "Families are Forever" rock that sits outside the front door. It's one of those things that I rarely notice since it's always just sitting there, and when I do notice it I usually think, "yeah, that's nice."

But, in the last few weeks, knowing my family is forever is more than just "nice." It is the reason I'm able to live. It's the reason I'm able to get out of bed in the morning. It's the reason I'm able to go to the grocery store and tell some random guy that I'm "not too bad." It's the reason my heart feels peace through all of this. I've gained a whole new appreciation for gospel principles that used to be nice words on paper that made me feel good. Now, they are my life. I literally feel able to keep on breathing because I know one day I'll be able to hold my girls in my arms again and I won't have to say good-bye. That means more to me than words can express.

In case you were wondering the song that opened the flood gates today was this song. Yeah, I know, I'm a total sap to cry at a Phil Collins song. But, how could I not with words like these: 

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry 

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry 

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more


6 comments:

Amy said...

Yeah, that song pretty much makes me cry on any random Tuesday.

So glad to here that you're "not too bad."

We're thinking about you a ton in this corner of the world.

Jen said...

We are so lucky to have the gospel in our lives to know that we will be with our family again FOREVER! A friend of ours was doing a residency and he had to tell a family that their father was going to die soon. They yelled screamed threw things across the hospital room and it was horrible. He found himself in the same situation, but the family was LDS. While they were sad and devastated they knew they would be together someday. I know for you guys that some day is so far off right now, but at least you know that you will get to be with your girls again!
Still praying
Jenni

Brenley said...

I love that you are putting your feelings into words and that you are allowing us to see into your heart. I have been pondering "forever" alot lately too as we are making McCoy a part of our forever family this weekend by having him sealed to us.
What a blessing it is to have the knowledge and glimpse of forever when we go to the temple or even when see the words "forever". What faith you have, I feel so honored to "know" you and gain strength from your amazing strength.

Allred Mom said...

Megan,
I LOVE to read your blogs!!!! That are so inspirational to me!
I have to tell you that that song makes me cry, too, and I haven't been through what you have! I'm glad it was a "not too bad" day for you!

Carlykins said...

Such different experiences and yet I understand what you have put. You are a ROCKSTAR my friend. Amazing in every sense of the word. So grateful for your powerhouse testimony and your tender heart. How beautiful it is. I too wish I could fast foward, somehow pause for two seconds yet I know that the blessings that I have and the love that I feel also has come because of the pain that burns within my heart. It truly makes the sweet that much sweeter with the bitter next to it even though I personally roll my eyes at it. I never understand how those without the Gospel make it. Just doesn't make sense to me. It breaks my heart yet I don't do the best at sharing it. How grateful I am for the power of the priesthood to call upon the Powers of my Heavenly Father personally to calm the seas for just a moment so I can catch my breath and then ride the waves again. I thought I would never say that I would be grateful for my trials. I don't think that it is that I am grateful for them as much as I am grateful that the ones I have are mine cause there are some out there that I would not was to be in line for. YEESH!! My heart aches for those out there that have nothing. Thank you again for sharing your heart. You are such a angel to me and teach me so much.

Allred Fam said...

hi megan- i just emailed you and then saw your blog...so I need to comment! the movie "tarzan" that the song is from came out in 1999 and when we lost our daughter in Jan. 2000, this song became her song, to me I felt, and my song, to her. I love the song!! I know exactly how it could touch you!! Beth