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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Seasons and Jumping back in

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The last two days we've woken (or is it awaken? awoken can't be right. awakened?) to overcast skies. It has been feeling more like autumn lately, but especially today. The air smells like rain. I am really loving this change in weather and enjoying the transition from one season to another. It feels like it's been a while since I've really noticed a change in season quite like this.

I know I was around for the last few seasonal changes, but this seems to be the first where I really feel fully present. I don't know quite how to describe it, but there is some part of me that feels like I've been away or asleep or absent from life. I guess that's what happens when death pulls you to want to have one foot in that other (better) world. Overall, that pull has definitely been a huge blessing for my life. It really forces one, in a good way, to keep things in clearer perspective.

But, lately, I've been feeling the urge to jump back into this current existence with both feet again. I get the feeling that's what my girls want for their Mama. It's been a few months' process, kind of like slowly moving from the top step in the shallow end and gradually, very gradually, making my way back down to the deep end. 

I'm much more careful, more cautious, more deliberate in every movement I make. I've been much more earnest in seeking answers and guidance... admittedly probably too earnest, evidenced by the paralyzed fear that comes from my lack of confidence in making even the smallest of decisions. But, I'm re-learning the basics and making even small movement is progress. And, since I'm more attentive this time around, I'm hoping things will seep in a little deeper and have their lasting effect on my mind and on my heart.

As I've been envisioning myself getting back in the water, I'm reminded of a near-tragic experience I once had decades ago jumping off the side of a pool into the deep end, before knowing how to swim. I was jumping in and then quickly grabbing the side of the pool as soon as I reached the surface. Well, on one jump I jumped too far. I panicked when I realized I couldn't reach the side. I don't remember how much I struggled or even who helped me escape the struggle, but I do remember sitting wide-eyed and huddled and shivering (not from cold) in a towel far away from the pool, not wanting to jump back in after that. I was content to watch from a distance. I was scared good.

And, that is actually a pretty good way to describe how it's been after losing our twins. I've been good sitting on the sidelines. I've been okay not rushing back into the deep end. I've needed to catch my breath, and in the process learn a few things about dangers and being prepared for real-life (and death) emergencies. After a good soul-shaking, it's been healthy for me to take a break, find stability on my own two feet again. And, get some serious time in with a coach, fixing some of the major weak areas in my life's foundation.

Now that I've been coached by the best and been reassured again and again that I can trust in Him, I feel more prepared, comfortable even. I don't know what awaits at the deep end this time, but I've been filled with strength and courage that aren't my own. That is a gift. A gift that I'm treasuring with every passing moment, made even more beautiful with this fall season.


Inkling said...

Megan, thank you for posting these thoughts. They gave me hope this morning. Even though my loss is one of personal health currently, and not of lives in my home, it dawned on me a few weeks ago that I've missed nearly 3/4 a year of seasons and all the each season brings. No gardening, no canning, no traveling, no skiing, no kayaking, no climbing. Some days I wonder if that part of my life will ever be possible again. And then I read something like what you wrote, and see that my Heavenly Father sometimes allows me to be away from the seasons for a season, and that He can call me back in His timing. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but what I'm mainly trying to say is that you really encouraged my heart today, and you gave me something that I find so elusive these days.....hope. Thank you.

Leslie said...

hey... that is amazing that you served in the same mission as tom.
he has been such a great friend to me before i ever got married... and since aaron passed away.

that is so neat. i will have to tell him about this connection. what a small world!

i hope you are doing ok. i still think about you and i am in awe of YOUR strength. thank you for being so good about keeping in touch.

Andrea said...

Beautifully really should write a book someday. You definitely have a gift for writing and describing things so well. Thanks for sharing your great strength. You are simply amazing! I'm always thinking of you and praying for you. Sending my love your way.

Jolie said...

I stumbled across your blog more than a year ago when my husband and I were trying to adopt a baby. Thanks so much for your words, you uplift and strengthen me. My baby brother died when we were young and your words have helped me imagine what my parents must have gone through years ago, and even the loss they still feel now. And your words have helped me as I've dealt with the loss of my dream of giving birth myself and then with faith moved on to the blessing of adopting our baby boy. I've never left a comment but wanted to today. I'm Erica's friend and I suggested your blog to her when her family was facing the heartache of loss. And now your words are helping her as well. Your gift for words is a tender mercy that many people are grateful for.