Seasons and Jumping back in

image courtesy of wikimedia.org

The last two days we've woken (or is it awaken? awoken can't be right. awakened?) to overcast skies. It has been feeling more like autumn lately, but especially today. The air smells like rain. I am really loving this change in weather and enjoying the transition from one season to another. It feels like it's been a while since I've really noticed a change in season quite like this.

I know I was around for the last few seasonal changes, but this seems to be the first where I really feel fully present. I don't know quite how to describe it, but there is some part of me that feels like I've been away or asleep or absent from life. I guess that's what happens when death pulls you to want to have one foot in that other (better) world. Overall, that pull has definitely been a huge blessing for my life. It really forces one, in a good way, to keep things in clearer perspective.

But, lately, I've been feeling the urge to jump back into this current existence with both feet again. I get the feeling that's what my girls want for their Mama. It's been a few months' process, kind of like slowly moving from the top step in the shallow end and gradually, very gradually, making my way back down to the deep end. 

I'm much more careful, more cautious, more deliberate in every movement I make. I've been much more earnest in seeking answers and guidance... admittedly probably too earnest, evidenced by the paralyzed fear that comes from my lack of confidence in making even the smallest of decisions. But, I'm re-learning the basics and making even small movement is progress. And, since I'm more attentive this time around, I'm hoping things will seep in a little deeper and have their lasting effect on my mind and on my heart.

As I've been envisioning myself getting back in the water, I'm reminded of a near-tragic experience I once had decades ago jumping off the side of a pool into the deep end, before knowing how to swim. I was jumping in and then quickly grabbing the side of the pool as soon as I reached the surface. Well, on one jump I jumped too far. I panicked when I realized I couldn't reach the side. I don't remember how much I struggled or even who helped me escape the struggle, but I do remember sitting wide-eyed and huddled and shivering (not from cold) in a towel far away from the pool, not wanting to jump back in after that. I was content to watch from a distance. I was scared good.

And, that is actually a pretty good way to describe how it's been after losing our twins. I've been good sitting on the sidelines. I've been okay not rushing back into the deep end. I've needed to catch my breath, and in the process learn a few things about dangers and being prepared for real-life (and death) emergencies. After a good soul-shaking, it's been healthy for me to take a break, find stability on my own two feet again. And, get some serious time in with a coach, fixing some of the major weak areas in my life's foundation.

Now that I've been coached by the best and been reassured again and again that I can trust in Him, I feel more prepared, comfortable even. I don't know what awaits at the deep end this time, but I've been filled with strength and courage that aren't my own. That is a gift. A gift that I'm treasuring with every passing moment, made even more beautiful with this fall season.

Addicted to Autumn

On Saturday afternoon Marc and I went on a little drive to take some pictures of the beautiful fall colors. We had only taken a couple when the batteries in our camera died. So, we came home to recharge the batteries, and went back out a few hours later. Once again, we had only snapped a few shots when the batteries died again... so we either didn't let them charge long enough or our rechargable batteries have seen their final days. In any case, we had a nice afternoon together, enjoying the beautiful weather and scenery!

It's getting to be that time of year when the leaves start falling really fast and before we know it the trees will be bare. So, we'll have to go out again sometime this week to get some better pictures of the trees and the vineyards. They are so beautiful right now!

Here are a couple of pictures we got of us standing in front of one of the many trees we found in full fall bloom. This time of year is so beautiful!




I've had so many moments over the last couple of weeks where the beauty of the earth has literally left me speechless... and all I can say over and over is, "Aaahhh, it's just so beautiful!"

Our Day in Oakland

As soon as I was done with seminary this morning, we headed down to Oakland to go to the temple. It usually takes between two and two and a half hours to drive down there, depending on traffic. The drive down was gorgeous! There was fog blanketing the entire valley, and that mixed with the colorful foilage was just breathtaking. There were vineyards and trees and entire hillsides in perfect autumn bloom!

By early afternoon, the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue. We couldn't leave without taking some photos. Here's one of my very handsome husband:

Isn't he SO HANDSOME?!!

Before heading back home, we were able to meet up with our good friends, Allison and Pedro, to have lunch at Zachary's. Pizza that's so good it can't be categorized with what is traditionally defined as "pizza." Does that make any sense? Well, just take my word for it... and try it if you ever get the chance.

The entire day was completely wonderful! We ended up spending most of the time in the car, driving to and from... but, we had so much fun talking and laughing! I absolutely loved our day together! It's a blessing that we have flexible schedules to get away in the middle of the week together. It was a terrific day... just what we needed!

This beautiful season...

These days I can't go outside without having sensory overload, with all the colors and smells that accompany this time of year. If you haven't noticed, I really just love Autumn Time! The leaves are just beginning to change colors, the air is fragrant with smell of "Fall", which I don't even know how to describe. I guess it's a mixture of chimney fire smoke mixed with a cool, briskness (you probably didn't know that "briskness" had a smell to it!) that makes me want to jump in a large pile of leaves!

To celebrate the joy of Autumn, we had a rare lunch date in the middle of the afternoon on Tuesday. It was a much needed break for us... and we really enjoyed the spontaneity of going out together on some other day than Friday. Afterwards we decided to stop by a couple of stores to pick up a few items, and couldn't resist going down the seasonal isles, where they had all kinds of fun Autumn things on the shelves. We decided it was time to change the look of our kitchen to reflect the changes outside. So, we found a nice tablecloth and a beautiful dark vase, to hold a nice fall arrangement of flowers.



I think the thing I love the most about this time of year is the reminder that change is good. I watch the changes in nature and I'm able to recognize the beauty in the different seasons. As I learn to appreciate the changes in nature, it helps me to find gratitude in the different seasons of life.

As I reflect on my life, I must say that I have always been very blessed. I know that whatever changes lie in our future, we'll find many more blessings along the way. We're looking forward to new seasons and changes that may come into our life in the coming days and years. In the meantime, we are soaking up the beauty of the season we're in. We are in a beautiful season of life and we love it!

The mysteries begin to unfold

So, Megan is away at girls camp. She found out she has cell phone coverage in part of the camp, and she called me yesterday. I thought it was really dandy, getting to talk to her like that. In the back of my mind, though, I kept thinking she was going to get in trouble for talking on a cell phone at girls camp. I can imagine the sort of person who points out things like that, walking up to her and saying, "WAS IT THAT IMPORTANT?" I remember that sort of person at Boy Scout camp...usually it was the same person who only brought one change of clothes, so they would try to make things difficult for everybody. Hey man, you don't bring the clothes, you gotta pay the consequences.

Also I'm learning all sorts of interesting things now that Megan is gone. One thing is, I didn't know we had all these love notes everywhere, before she left. All of a sudden I'm finding them in the freezer, on my desk, and this morning a love note fell out of the CAT FOOD bag. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm surfing to the manufacturer's website to check for a recall as soon as I finish this post.

Another interesting thing I learned is that a long-standing mystery has been solved. I'll share it with you, but you have to thank me for saving you the cost of a ClassMates.com subscription. You also have to be good at clicking on links, like the one in that last sentence.



-Marc