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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Progress and Balance

I've been aware lately of others who have recently experienced devastating loss. My heart seems to break all over again every time I hear of another story. I can't help but relive some of my own heartache and devastation. In mourning with them, though, I've also started to recognize how far we've come in our own journey. 

After we first lost our girls, I remember keeping track of the cycle of grief in those first weeks... it used to be 2 days of feeling okay (or in other words, numb), followed by 3 days of uncontrollable tears. Then it gradually went to 3 days of feeling numb to 2 days of constant tears... and so on. If I had to say where we are now, it'd probably be something like a month of feeling generally happy (notice, not numb) to maybe half a day of aching for my girls. That's definitely progress. A year ago I never would have imagined coming this far - between the numbness and the tears of those early weeks, it quite literally seemed impossible.

Overall, I've become much more comfortable with living a paralleled life with my girls. I know they're in a better place, I've known that all along. I guess time, the great healer, has swayed my heart into motions and patterns, making necessary adjustments to living with our girls on another sort of plane. They are not gone far. Whenever I go into our backyard, I like to think of them on the other side of the fence. 

I've had a lot on my mind. I've recently become more aware of my need to just sit in quiet and let certain feelings and experiences soak in. I find joy in pausing to appreciate small moments that are given to me as evidence that God is very much aware of my life. I've come to value these precious moments in life that are meant to be enjoyed privately, to keep them sacred within the walls of my own soul. 

With so many social internet sites out there these days (blogger, facebook, twitter, etc.), I've found myself learning things about others that maybe aren't appropriate details for me to know. (Do you know what I'm talking about?) And, it has made me feel much more guarded in what I share and how I choose to share. I've often questioned where to draw that line here, on my blog. I never intended to share so much here... it just sort of happened as life happened. The only reason we started this blog was to help us with our hope to adopt. Little did we know the crazy turns life would take, making this window into our life reveal so much more than we ever intended.  

I still don't have the answer of where to draw the line, but I am more aware of wanting to find the balance of sharing pieces of our journey that might help another along the way, while still holding sacred the details that should be guarded a little more carefully. Hopefully I can find that balance quickly and get back to posting a little more frequently.  


Kate said...

thank you for sharing your grieving process (at least in part) with us who are your readers
in dealing with my own loss, i look to those who've "gone before" so to speak . . . and i often find myself hoping that i'm dealing with this trial Father has given me with as much grace as you have . . .
i hope you find the line soon because i love reading your thoughts . . . they give me hope that someday in the not-too-distant future, i'll find that place where the months of happiness far outshadow the 1/2 days of aching for what will never be . . .
thank you

Allred Mom said...

I think you are doing great in sharing those things you should and protecting those things that need to be held sacred in your heart.

As always, I think you are amazing!

Amy said...

I am so grateful that you do share your beautiful soul with me through this blog. You are a blessing in my life, a reminder of faith and love and that life is precious. Thank you for everything.

You've been on my mind a lot - I've missed you around the blog and I hope that you and Marc are well.

You're amazing, and I hope I can be a little more like you every day.

With love, Amy L.

Becky Rose said...

I think your doing a beautiful job of sharing your grief and opening your self up to us to see your heart so we know what to say and what not to say. You have kept the sacred things sacred. We all love you Megan. We love you.

Check out my last blog entry. It's about Grandpa McKell's and our's pioneer heritage!