Christmas Reflections

It has been a wonderful month with my little family, leading up to today's celebration. I've loved watching Ben and Hugh start to catch on to the whole idea of Santa Claus, but even more starting to understand the real reason is to celebrate Jesus' birth. They seem very familiar now with the role of the three wise men, thanks mostly to Marc's role and costume at our Church's Christmas dinner.

I've especially loved the quiet moments with my little Lucy. I love her so much, to the point that my heart aches with love. (Not that I don't love my boys just as much... it's just a different love.) I don't know quite how to describe it. I think there is some aspect of feeling extra protective of my baby girl, as well as some part of me that is reminded of how much I love my other two girls.

But, there is something extra magical about celebrating Christmas with a baby around. It seems so much easier to imagine being Mary, holding her precious newborn, anticipating what blessings and surprises the future will hold for that little one. I can't imagine what emotions she must have experienced knowing her perfect, tiny babe would be the most important person ever to come into the world.

The other day at church, my heart was particularly tender and as we closed the final meeting with Away in a Manger, the words overwhelmed me to tears. Since I was the one leading the music, I tried my best to hide it, but at one point I was too choked up to even get the words out.

We had just had a lesson, based on this talk by Elder Holland (my favorite talk from this past General Conference). I was feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude for the Savior's love in my life, for His willingness to fulfill His mission, His willingness to suffer for my pains and sins, His willingness to die so that we can live again and find purpose in living when life falls apart. He has been with me through life's hardest moments, I've felt it and know it without a doubt. He has been my source of strength and hope.

Lucy had fallen asleep in my arms about half way through the lesson. The weight and warmth of her little body cuddled up against mine filled my heart with so much love. Love for her and love for the little Baby born so long ago, making it possible for my little family to be eternal. But, not just my family. Every family. Those grieving families in Connecticut. I'm still thinking of and praying for them.

So, after that particularly touching lesson and with my little Lucy still softly sleeping on my shoulder, as we sang the final verse of that Christmas hymn, there was no way to keep the tears from coming.

Be near me, Lord Jesus; I ask thee to stay Close by me forever, and love me, I pray. Bless all the dear children in thy tender care, And fit us for heaven, to live with thee there.

This is precisely why it's the most wonderful time of the year. Music and words that make us pause and reflect and recommit and prioritize. The challenge now, like with every year, is to remember those reflections and promises to try to be just a little bit better and remember the love and role of our Savior just a little bit more.

His Hand is Stretched out still

We don't watch a lot of TV, especially not during the day. Last Friday I didn't hear about the awful events in Newtown, CT until a little later in the day. It was disturbing news... even before finding out that it all took place at an elementary school. That just took it to a whole new level. I found myself shaking my head in disbelief, so much that by early afternoon I had a headache and a stomach that wouldn't settle.

That afternoon, in a bit of a daze, I watched my boys making messes and doing things in general that usually drive me crazy (unrolling a whole roll of paper towels, fighting over toys, etc...) and I actually found myself feeling grateful that I had them there with me, alive and well enough to be making those messes.

When it quieted down for nap time, I took some time with each of them to cup their faces in my hands, looking into their eyes and told them that I loved them. Hugh looked back at me with big eyes, almost as if he sensed the intensity of the moment. I honestly felt a little relief that they are too young to go into any detail with them about what happened. It makes me a little sad to think that one day there will be some other awful story in the news and I'll probably have to then. I just hope a horror like that isn't ever anything any of us will have to experience first-hand.

I tried to put myself in the shoes of a six-year old child in that kind of situation or in the shoes of a mother who has to hear her child is gone, taken in such an evil way. But, it was all too unsettling and I just couldn't go there.

In the process of trying to come to terms with my own feelings about the tragic details, I came across a lot of quotes and images on facebook that people wanted to share. One that came up a number of times was the quote by Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world.”

I appreciated hearing such wise words from a wise man. There was another sentiment that came up that, on the surface, seemed like a good explanation, but deep down made me feel uncomfortable. This idea that the shooting happened in Newtown because we've pushed God out of our schools and so He's abandoned us.

I'm still sorting through my feelings on the matter, so bear with me. While God doesn't force His will or His love on us, I feel very certain that He has much "thicker skin" than us emotionally fragile humans. We can push Him away over and over and cut Him off completely, but as was often quoted by Isaiah, even at our very worst, "His hand is stretched out still." I can't imagine that God, a loving Father in Heaven, would withhold His comfort and presence from a school full of young children, HIS young children, just because there was some person somewhere that said there shouldn't be prayer in school.

What about the shooting that happened at the Amish school a few years back? They likely had prayer to start their day. Or, what about shootings that happen inside churches or other places of worship? In those cases, the logic of that sentiment totally falls apart.

The truth is that sometimes we pray for things and sometimes those prayers are answered and sometimes they're not. Sometimes God sees fit to intervene and provide protection and sometimes He doesn't. It can feel futile to try to make sense of why He does or doesn't do something, but it's important to remember that God sees a much clearer picture of His plan and His purposes.

It seems to me that it comes down to a matter of agency, or free will. God allows us to make choices. He can try to persuade or prompt us in a certain direction, but He will never force us to be good or to follow His commandments. That means that sometimes evil things happen. Does that make God less powerful or less available to the innocent who suffer at the hands of evil? No way.

In fact, if there were some way we could get a glimpse of Sandy Hook in the moments before, during, and after the shooting occurred, and if it were possible to see the tragedy with spiritual eyes, I wonder what we would see. I imagine we'd see hosts of angels, waiting and ready to comfort, to calm, to inspire, to strengthen. Just because the shooter was able to accomplish his evil act and killed so many innocent children, and equally innocent adults, doesn't mean that God was not there. Surely He was no where else but there that day, watching with the same heartache and sadness at one of His own sons using his agency to hurt so many people in an unimaginable way.

I don't know why He allowed it to happen. I don't know why He didn't intervene. But, the God I know wouldn't have been anywhere else that day. And, for those who have been left behind, I know He is there walking with them, suffering and grieving with them. He does not leave us comfortless. He seeks us out and walks with us.

It's awful what happened. It's unimaginable. I've shed tears over it.

I'd imagine God has shed more than anyone.

Thanksgiving in Seattle

What a busy time! So much has happened, is happening, and will be happening... where do I even begin?! I really dislike doing recaps, but I dislike even more not making note of special events and experiences that I know I'll forget if I don't write them down.

So, here it goes...

We made the long drive up to Washington to visit Marc's family for Thanksgiving. The kids did great in the car! We've figured out the trick is having lots of variety of snacks (including their very favorites like red licorice and animal crackers), a few new toys (this time it was magna-doodles, and some new hot wheels), as well as a selection of DVDs (on this trip we watched Finding Nemo and Cars).

Pulled out of our driveway at 5:21am. Three hours later we stopped at a McDonalds in Shasta Lake for breakfast - nice, clean, quiet, easy on/off freeway, definitely will stop here again. Next stop was a Quizno's in Grants Pass for lunch, then a walk around Fred Meyer for Marc and the boys while I fed Lucy in the car. Next stop was a McDonalds in Salem (I think) for a quick ice cream cone for the boys, while I fed Lucy in the car. It was raining so hard and I was really distracted by all the people lining up around the Red Box. In the rain. Final stop was Vancouver for a few days' visit with Marc's sister and family.

Highlights - Chaplan (their bird) loved the top of Ben's head. The boys were in candy heaven, eating nearly the entire supply of Swedish fish within their reach. We watched the Avengers with the whole family (while our three little ones slept). Lounged and chatted, laughed, and got all caught up with the goings on in each others' lives. It felt just like heaven, as it always does.

Then, we made our way up the rest of the way to Seattle (or more accurately, Auburn) on the day before Thanksgiving, which was a huge mistake. What should have been a two-hour drive ended up being more than four. Terrible traffic, making for some interesting and creative ways to feed Lucy while keeping her buckled up. Not easy and definitely not fun, but sometimes you just do what you have to do.

Some favorite moments from the few days with the rest of Marc's family - spending time with Nana - the boys love all of her tanks and planes that they get to play with when we visit and we all love the extra attention and help. My brother-in-law's amazing guacamole (I ate so much - I couldn't resist!). The rest of the food was delicious, too! Getting to meet baby Henry and seeing Lucy and him interact. Ben wanting to play outside, no matter how cold or how dark or how rainy it got, and watching Hugh struggle between wanting to keep up with Ben and just wanting to be dry and warm inside. Leaving Lucy to take a nap with Daddy while I went on a long walk with the boys around Nana's neighborhood. Eating lasagna one night and then watching "Romantics Anonymous" (a cute French movie) with Marc's brother and his wife. So fun! The best part is watching our kids connect and make memories with their extended family!

The trip back home went just as smoothly, though a little slower with a few more stops and took a little longer. We stopped for lunch and final good-byes in Vancouver (and to pick up a stray pair of Ben's pants), got lost in Eugene trying to find a park for the boys and ended up stopping at a rest stop, and visited a friend from home that just recently moved to Grants Pass, before we finally made our way to Redding for the night. We ate some terrible microwave food for dinner (since it was Sunday and we were trying to keep the fifth commandment as much as possible... or is it the fourth? Sabbath day holy? Anyone?) and then Ben slept with Daddy, while Hugh and I shared a bed, and Lucy slept in the pack 'n play.

It was awesome to see the looks on the boys' faces when we went down for breakfast the next morning. All that food and all within reach! Ben went straight for a slice of bread, while Hugh went for the blueberry muffin. I tried to help an older lady get her waffle off the waffle iron, and after touching it for a quick second with the tip of my finger realized I probably really over-stepped the boundaries. Oops!

That final leg took us three hours and we were so happy to be home! I even got everything unpacked and organized before the end of the day. Fun times and fun memories!

I'll come back and add in photos later... hopefully tomorrow.

Lucy - four months

Last Saturday Lucy turned four months old. Today I took her in for her four month check-up. She is getting so big and I guessed that she'd probably weigh about 15 pounds. I think the nurse's eyes were as big as mine when the scale told us she was SEVENTEEN pounds (plus FIVE ounces)! In addition, she's 27 inches tall. I came home and warned her brothers. At the same age, Hugh weighed 16 pounds 4 ounces and Ben was 14 pounds 12 ounces.

Our sweet Lucy Jane is just oozing with cuteness and calm. She brings such a different dynamic to our home. She is the calm amid the chaos; the soft amid the rough. The boys can be bouncing off the walls, but as soon as they approach Lucy they gather all their wild energy and with the most amazing restraint and control, they softly kiss her on the head. I have loved watching such a sweet side to them emerge when she is around, and I'm looking forward to watching how their love for her will continue to develop as they grow up together.

Lucy is such an easy baby, so sweet and so happy. She hasn't quite returned to her (really) long stretches of sleeping at night, but I'm really not complaining at all with what usually ends up as a couple of 5-6 hour stretches. Plus, when she wakes up in the middle of the night fussing and hungry, as soon as she sees my head appear over the side of the crib, she kicks her legs, spreads out her arms and gives a little squeal. I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to wake up to that, even if it is at 2am?!

Before Lucy was born I was really preoccupied with thoughts about how she would or wouldn't compare to our twins. Would she look like them? Would she remind me too much of them? Would holding her make me happy or sad? Would life feel more complete with her or would her presence just remind me of the two that were missing?

It was a battle of opposing emotions and I had no idea how to prepare myself for so many questions that were unknowable beforehand. Lucy arrived and took her proper place in our family, not replacing anyone, but filling a new void that I wasn't even aware was there until she filled it with her light and her love. She has brought so much happiness into our family and so much healing into my heart. I do find myself thinking of the twins more often, but more in terms of anticipating the relationships that will come later when we're all reunited again.

For now, I'm loving every waking moment I have with my baby girl. She and I are pretty much inseparable and I really don't mind her need to be near me at all times. I love the nearness of her and feel so grateful for the light she has brought into my life.

Halloween

For Halloween this year Ben was a "Rocket Boy" or "Rocket Guy"... basically The Rocketeer. He was so excited as I was putting the finishing touches on his costume that he starting saying, "Push the button. Up in the sky." He actually thought his costume would make him fly. Cute kid. I just love his active imagination.

We were actually going to have Hugh be a rocket guy, too, but then one day I decided to give them a couple of different options and Hugh actually chose to be a football player. I decided to go ahead and start on making helmets for both costumes (out of paper mache) and then ask Hugh again and again what he wanted to be for Halloween, to make sure his 2-year old mind was made up. And, surprisingly, every time I asked him "what do you want to be for Halloween?" the answer was consistently "football player."

And, that was how we decided that Lucy would be a football. Not the cutest idea for a sweet baby girl, but it was simple and easy. And, I figure it's in my best interest to go with simple and easy before they gain a super strong opinion of their own.

As I was in the middle of the costume creation process I was coming up with all kinds of alternate plans, feeling just slightly embarrassed for my kids in the event that they all looked a little ghetto in their homemade, pieced-together costumes. But, I was actually very happy with how they all turned out and was so pleased at the responses we got from people at our church's trunk or treat. Turns out everyone loves a good, old-fashioned, homemade costume... even if they do look a little pieced-together.

Before going to the church's party, we went to one house - Ben's teacher. She invited the boys inside and gave them each a small flashlight along with their choice of candy from their tray. It was cute to watch their little hands hovering over the tray, trying to figure out which of the tantalizing treats they would choose. I think Hugh picked a Hershey's bar and Ben went for the plain M&Ms.

When we turned to leave, there was a small group of older kids who had gathered at the front porch. I turned to grab Hugh's hand and saw the frightened look all over his face. The kids at the door were dressed in some pretty convincingly scary costumes and Hugh had no idea what was going on. As I tried to coax him out, he backed further into the house saying, "no, no". I was finally able to reassure him that it was okay and we left. But, the whole 50 yards to our car, he kept looking back, worried we were being followed. And, since Halloween has never been a favorite holiday I totally understood.

So, that was our fun Halloween. The boys crashed when we got home and slept in later than usual the next morning and Marc even said, "if only Halloween were every night." Who would have thought?! Plus, since we went the homemade route, the only things we had to buy were two cans of spray paint and pipe cleaners - less than $10. And, I'm hoping that next year they'll just want to swap costumes! I guess time will tell.

Re-livable moments

Since I'm putting Lucy down for bed at night while Marc is getting the boys settled, I usually miss out on the bedtime routine for my boys and I've really missed it lately. I get their energy and action during the day, which I love... but, it'd sure be nice to get a good dose of their cuddles and snuggling as they wind down and drift off to sleep.

Last night they were taking extra long falling asleep, so after Lucy was settled I got a few quiet moment with my boys. They were both wide-eyed and fighting their drooping eyelids. I laid down in the middle, so that I could hold hands with Hugh to my right and reach Ben on my left. We looked up at their big star light that hangs from the corner of the ceiling. Ben was telling me about the "big star" and the "big truck" and the "big wheels." So, I picked up on that "big" theme and started telling them a story, talking in my softest whisper at a nice slow pace.

Within five minutes or so I glanced over at Hugh to see his eyelids half-way closed, which if you're married to any of my brothers you know that in my family that pretty much means you're knocked out. Yeah, it's a little creepy, I know.

So, I continued with the story for Ben who was still wide-eyed and interjecting with his own version of the story at times. After about 15 minutes, Ben's breathing changed to its heavy, almost-snoring-like quality and I knew he was gone.

Instead of getting up right away, I just laid there, enjoying the comfort and the calm of the moment. Then, I turned to Hugh, stroked his hair, kissed him on the forehead and whispered in my softest whisper, "I love you so much." Then, I turned to Ben and did the same. They both laid still, except for the soft rise and fall of their chests, their little bodies sinking deeper into their slumber.

It was one of those moments that filled me with so much love. One of those moments I'll look back on years from now and wish I could have it back again. But, hopefully, the fact that I had it in the first place means I'll always have it in my heart, to re-live again and again.

October Projects

I was realizing today how fast this month has gone and I'm trying to figure out where the time went. I've been busy working on a couple of projects in my spare time, both of which have me wondering why I ever thought it was a good idea to use such precious spare time for projects that won't turn out nearly as good as I think they will. Sometimes paying for someone else to do it is a much better plan.

Project number one: I found a blog with a template for quiet books and it looked simple enough that I decided to make a couple for the boys since they've started to need a little more help staying quiet during that first hour of church. A month or so ago I went down to our local craft store and bought all the supplies I'd need. Sixty-five dollars later, a couple of big headaches, and a month's worth of tiny bits of free time on evenings when I've felt any trace of motivation, and I only have two pages done. I should have just bought a couple on etsy.

Project number two: Halloween costumes. They're still a work in progress and they could actually go a couple of different ways, but either way I'm making helmets out of paper mache. Thank you, Mrs. Castleberg, for teaching me in third grade how to make paper mache. I'm just really relieved that if their costumes totally flop, we have their M&M costumes, that they've worn the last two years, as back-up. Depending on how they turn out, I may or may not post some photos.I guess if nothing else my lack of creative talent might give someone else a much needed boost. I'm happy to oblige.

And, besides those two headaches projects, I've been feeling quite sleep-deprived this week. My good little sleeper has been off all week. From birth Lucy was a great sleeper with 3-4 hour stretches from the first night, and then getting to the point of sleeping for nine hour stretches regularly, then going back to sleep for a few more hours. But, all of a sudden this week she's been waking up every couple hours, seems extra fussy (but not obviously sick, as far as I can tell), and isn't napping as well either.

I don't know what is going on, but it got to the point last night that I was sitting in the dark on the couch at 10pm just sobbing. It had been a particularly long day and I was just exhausted and felt so helpless. I begged and pleaded for heaven's help and gratefully last night went just slightly better... but, it was better enough that we both got a little more sleep and Lucy's naps today seemed to be getting back on track. So far tonight she's already woken twice, which is clearly not back to normal, but she's not as fussy and has gone back down a lot easier.

I'm assuming she's going through a growth spurt, but I've been trying to be extra aware of other possible issues. I just hope for both of our sakes that she starts sleeping better again. I told Marc today that if someone really wanted to torture me, sleep deprivation is the way to break me down. I do not handle lack of sleep very well.

So, between my latest projects combined with my lack of sleep, there's been little time and motivation for blogging. Plus, our camera battery has been dead and I don't even have any cute photos to share. Maybe we'll have that fixed by Halloween.

Personal Prophetic Epistles

“If we teach by the Spirit and you listen by the Spirit, some one of us will touch on your circumstance, sending a personal prophetic epistle just to you.” - Elder Holland

On the eve of one of my favorite weekends of the year - General Conference - I've been thinking of some of my favorite highlights from the conference we enjoyed six months ago. And, mostly for my own purposes, I thought I'd share my top three favorite talks.

I think my most favorite talk was Elder Holland's The Laborer's in the Vineyard.

"...surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."

"...however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

Next favorite was Elder Eyring's talk Mountains to Climb. He starts with this story:

"I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”

"My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting."

"Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost."

And, finally, there is President Uchtdorf's talk, The Merciful Obtain Mercy. A quick highlight from his talk:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:"

"Stop it!"

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

"We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?"

"Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?"

I was super excited for the weekend that awaits before I started writing this blog post, and now I'm even more excited! Truth and knowledge - can't get better than that. With a hungry soul and a heart open and willing to receive direction for my personal life, this is exactly what I need - personal prophetic epistles. Bring it on!