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Monday, July 12, 2010


Last night I was up at 11:30pm, 3:30am, and 6:30am feeding my precious little Hugh. 

In between those hours, I was having nightmares.

Nightmares, mainly, about death.

I admit I worry much too much about losing Benjamin and Hugh. I just can't seem to help it, though. I think my recent nightmares are caused by two main things. 

Reason #1. With the recent whooping cough outbreak in California and some possible cases in our area, I've been very cautious about taking my boys out and about. They've only been out in close contact with people on two occasions, both this past weekend - Hugh's baby shower on Saturday and church on Sunday. I do take them on walks to the grocery store with me, but they don't really have much, if any, contact with others on those occasions. With Hugh's rough start, I just worry about him being more susceptible to illness. 

Reason #2. We're approaching the second anniversary of losing our girls. Friday. While my heart isn't as heavy as it was this time last year, I can't seem to think about them without feeling the heavy reality that life is fragile. And, as I spend time cuddling and playing with my little boys I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have these moments with my two little girls. While my heart is filled with joy for the blessings of my boys, there is an equal feeling of longing to have these same experiences with my daughters. 

As much as I wish I didn't have these fears and worries about death, I've found them to provide my life with a much clearer perspective and a greater appreciation for the day to day moments. I often pause to remind myself to capture the simple moments I have with Ben and Hugh. Like today when we were on our walk and Hugh was fussing. I stopped under a large, shady tree and cuddled him. He immediately stopped crying and snuggled against my shoulder. Or yesterday when Ben and I took a nap together on the floor of our front room and his delight when he woke up to find my face right next to his. These are the kind of moments that I pause and take a mental picture of every detail and feeling of the moment.

Life is fragile. And, I don't want to have any regrets of not enjoying every aspect of it, especially when it comes to the most important relationships in my life. I guess I don't mind the nightmares so much, as long as they help me appreciate life more, even the more mundane and monotonous.  

Speaking of which... Ben is needing a playmate at the moment and I'd hate to pass up a moment like this.


Ashley said...

After reading Natalie Norton's blog, I'm overly zealous about whooping cough as well. Too many attempts on Gabe's short life as it is; I made everyone swear they've had the booster.

I've been thinking about things happening too. I worry that because life is so perfect right now it'll all get taken away. Being happy scares me sometimes. Lame, I know.

Ashley said...
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Rachel Doyle said...

I too have the same feelings. You are grateful for the children you do have, but can't but wonder what life would have been like with the ones that have gone on.

I too have had nightmares about losing more children -- we talked about this in a grieving group I used to attend -- basically we came to the conclusion that we are no longer naive and we have lived/experienced every parent's worse nightmare and can no longer believe it happens to other people.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jen said...

I hate to say this I still am nervous of losing one of my kids. I think it is because they were so hard to get:) I still check on them every night before I go to bed. When one is TO STILL I have to go and make sure they are still breathing! The twins will be 5 in a few months even and I just still worry about that.

So happy that you get to take your boys to the park now.