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Sunday, July 5, 2009

A battle of emotions

Weeks and weeks have passed and there is so much that has gone undocumented in the last few months -

time spent with a friend since birth (the photo below is from our childhood),

our birthday weekend getaway,

our second pioneer trek,

and a family reunion.

Just to name a few. The problem is that I've felt too exhausted lately to even make any attempt to write much - not that writing itself is exhausting, but confronting complex emotion is. And, now that we've entered July, the dreaded month, I fear only to be even more overwhelmed by this battle of emotions.

And, a battle it is.

There are the painful feelings of dreams snatched away, the jealous feelings of watching the other women at church as they playfully tend their cooing babies (and then the incredible guilt that follows the jealousy), the fears that (for some reason unknown to me now) I may not have the blessing of motherhood in this life, and mostly the incredible aching to have my little girls here still. I wanted them so bad. I waited so long for them, I was so sure they would make it.

The battle then comes from remembering that they did make it. They made it here and then they made it quickly back Home. Their brief appearance is enough of a reassurance that they are ours and will be ours forever. While there is still a battle that rages in my heart, I'm learning to be at home with such contrasting feelings, recognizing that great sorrow is evidence of great love. We have been blessed with an ever-present feeling of love and comfort that has seemed to come straight from heaven. We find peace in the sacred experiences we've had that we couldn't have known through any other way.

It was a year ago this week that we first found out that our girls had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I can still feel the panic in the days that followed their initial diagnosis. In the midst of that panic I received priesthood blessings full of promises, things that I didn't understand fully at the time, things that have since brought me great comfort.

It's that comfort that has helped us get from one July to the next. Our fourth of July last year was pretty dismal, making this year not quite as bad. As the sun set and the evening breeze floated down off the hills, Marc and I decided to hop on our bikes and ride to the cemetery. While we were there we quietly discussed some ideas we've had for how to appropriately remember Elliana and Emmaline on their birth day. We want to do what feels right for us, and that is hard to figure out when there are feelings that still feel so fragile and experiences that we hold so sacred. But, I think we made some headway while cruising the empty streets back home. 

It was when we were just a couple of blocks from home that we passed a beautiful, old church made of brick. As I was admiring its construction, I noticed their "Welcome" sign that changes weekly. This week it said, "Celebrate the gift of the Holy Ghost." While I don't frequent this particular church, I appreciated the reminder and recognized in my heart the reason to celebrate such a gift. It is this gift that has been our constant companion through the ups and downs of the last year.

As we face the battle of emotions that will no doubt continue to surface in the coming weeks, I know I can trust in our past experiences in facing hard hurdles that we won't be alone. We haven't ever been abandoned and I know we won't be now. Among the angels that will comfort us, we now have two with a vested interest in helping us get to the other side.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

- Psalms 91:11


Andrea said...

Oh, I've been thinking of you as this month has come. I am so sorry for all the many lost dreams and heartache. It's just so hard. It's truly not fair!! Thank you for sharing all that you have in this beautiful post. Sending my love and a hug your way.

Becky Rose said...

Looks like you had a great family reunion! Where did you have it? We are having a "west coast" reunion this coming up weekend. Everyone, but Beth and Mark will be there, but no married grand kids also. Trek looked fun. You both look so cute. Our ward is having a trek too only 4 days. I'm going up the second to cook scones- fried bread for their fun day.

Megan, I so want you to be a mother! I just feel for those woman who can't bear children. Every woman who wants that should have it, if they are married. If I can't be a mother- those woman that are married should have children in their lives how ever they get there. Since finding your blog about a year ago, I've become a very regular blog reader of some other woman who have adopted and are dealing with infertility. I read Simply Me and the r house and many others on your list. It's crazy how you can feel like friends with someone you have never met and pray for them and feel happy for them when good things happen. I want something happy for you SO much!

I had a 17 year old boy say to me this week about getting married "have you thought about making a covenant with God?" I hadn't. I don't what what promptings and messages you've had from beyond the veil, but if it's right I know you'll know how or what to do.

I wish for you a family!

Mindy said...

Oh, how I love everything you write and can relate more than you know.

Allred Mom said...

Just wanted you to know I love you!
You have constantly been on my mind since this month began-even put your name in the temple last Friday. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love ya!

Ence Family said...

Thanks for your blog! It has helped us a lot. July is a bittersweet month for us as well. We feel your pain, sorrow, and emotions too. This year will be 5 years since we lost our little Jayden--July 19, 2004. But you are an inspiration to keep going. I know that our situations are very different in ways but also similar. Hang in there it will be worth it in the end is how we continue to go on. It is not easy we know. On the happier note looks like you had a fun family reunion with all the family. It is good to see a picture of you all since we don't get together much.

Carlotta said...

AMEN!! I have disappeared into thin air, yet continue to stop by and read your eloquent words that are so tender from your heart. I have the thought all the time of why anniversaries are so hard especially since each day is a new day and since it hasn't been experienced before. Emotions are intense, memories attached to those emotions trigger them and it is powerful. The fact that you give your thoughts and emotions a place to live on this blog is so healing. I totally believe it has helped you to heal more then you feel like you have. I haven't blogged in a long time and I can tell. I have so much inside and to sit down an let it out sounds overwhleming. Baby steps I know but I have realized how much it helped to let it out so that it didn't eat me up inside quite as much. I hope the intensity passes quickly and that your heart is comforted.

Michelle said...

My heartfelt wishes go out to you during this painful time. May it also be a time a peace and even joy as you remember your beautiful daughters.
I'm sure you will be able to find just the right ways to commemorate their birthday, and that they will be very close to you as you do!
Love and {hugs},

Hiatt Family said...

I really, really appreciated the comment you left on Jackson's blog. I've read posts from different moms about how they feel about their children being gone, but your post hit closer to home than others I've read. Maybe because you understand how complex the question "do you have any kids?" can be, and you know what an incredible gift motherhood is, and how hard it is when you can't really practice being a mother even though you are one. Anyway, I'll be checking up on your blog to see how you are doing. I hope the twins' birthday goes well. Feel free to leave me another comment or email me at if you just want to talk to somebody!

Bridget said...

Your post is touching. I'm sorry you are grieving. I hope that you are able to find hope in Heavenly Father's peace.

KieraAnne said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you guys Thursday at your one year mark. I hope everything is going better for you now and know that our prayers are with you.