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Saturday, November 15, 2008

"my soul did long to be there"

I've had some heavy feelings weighing on my heart lately. I've written at least a dozen blog posts that have all remained unpublished, and I'm left feeling rather frustrated in my inability to express what I've been feeling lately. I think it's the wide range of topics and situations that have been pressing on my mind.

But, today, I just miss my girls.

If they could have waited until their intended delivery date, they would be about two weeks old.

I hate marking time now by their passing. I wish every month I could just skip over the 16th day. The more I try to avoid thinking about it, the more it seems to wait for me to take note of it. And, I've found it frustrating that if I don't stop and acknowledge it, then I'm pained with the most awful, guilty feeling.

Today I came across a verse of scripture that immediately brought tears to my eyes and seemed to sum up at least a portion of my feelings perfectly.

Yea, methought I saw,... God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising their God; yea, and my soul did long to be there. - Alma 36:22

There is something about reading about a vision of angels praising their God that makes me so desperately want to be there with them, and with Him. I know that's where my girls are, and I know that's what they're doing.

And, then I happened upon this quote by one of my heroes, Neal A. Maxwell:

Such longing for a heavenly home is real, especially in view of how this life is designed. After all, brothers and sisters, when we rejoice in beautiful scenery, great art, and great music, it is but the flexing of instincts acquired in another place and another time.

Life turns out, however, to be just what one would expect of a deliberately constructed proving and tutoring experience which features opportunities, choices, and deprivations. Furthermore, there is no way around—
the only way to go is through!

And, so, tomorrow I will go through the day. I will give myself permission to feel whatever I need to feel. I will no doubt be reminded of the heartache that comes with many of the memories of July 16th... and longingly look forward to the day when that pain no longer stings my heart.


Amy said...

And my prayers are with you both today, Megan. Lots of love, Amy

ckkg said...

gosh, my heart just aches for you, especially when there are days like this. you are so strong and so sensitive to the feelings that are within you. i think there is nothing better than to let yourself FEEL, whatever and whenever. you are in my prayers. thanks for opening your heart. you teach us all so much.

Andrea said...

I too have had some heavy days. I needed to hear everything you wrote on this post. I could of copied and pasted to mine because it's what I've been feeling. I loved the scripture you quoted...oh, just what I've been longing for. And of course I love everything Neal A. Maxwell has said. I needed to hear that quote tonight. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers. You are amazing! I'm sure your girls are so proud of you for just getting up each day and feeling all the feelings that you are needing to feel to heal. Megan you are wonderful! Praying for you as always.

Kate said...

As always, beautifully written. I am a regular reader of this blog, but I'm usually just blurking . . . today though, I wanted to send *great big cyber-HUGS* to you.
Thinking about and praying for you and Marc.

Carlykins said...

Megan, I am a complete looser! I have dropped off of the face of the earth. It feels like someone has put the merry-go-round on FULL speed. I think about you all the time. I stop by and read your OH SO inspirational words. I pray for you each day. I need to email you, call or hop on the instant messanger one of these days. Please forgive me for leaving you to hang. Loves lady. Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing such tender pieces of your heart.

Open your Eyes. said...

I think your the angel for handling your pain with such grace :) xxx.

JessicaP said...

hey megan
just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you and you and mark are always in my prayers. love - jessica

Kim said...

My heart is with you Megan. I never realized how hard the due date of our loss would be. It has gotten trite to say, but it has. Much love and hope praying for you. :)