I will not take these things for granted

* photo taken Autumn 2007

My sister made me a CD recently and included this song on it. Good song with an even better message.

I guess it's probably obvious that this year has majorly changed our life. It's different.

Little things have come to mean so much more to me than they did before we lost our twins.

This morning Marc was up early to get ready for one of the classes he teaches at the college. On most Monday mornings I'm usually still in bed by the time he leaves. Which was the case this morning, since I was up past midnight last night.

Sometimes he comes in to kiss me good-bye, but sometimes he sweetly leaves me undisturbed. (I don't know if he knows this, but I never mind being disturbed by his kisses.)

I heard him in the kitchen, getting his jacket on and zipping up his bag. I squinted over at the clock to see the time.

At first, I thought, I'll just wait 'til he leaves, and eventually I'll roll myself out of bed.

And just as that thought scrolled across my mind, I found myself jumping out of bed and hurrying to the kitchen in hopes of catching him before he got out the door.

He heard me and met me halfway on the top step that leads into the kitchen. I think I was still half-squinting because I only half-noticed what he was wearing. Even still, I noticed enough to know that I'm married to one incredibly handsome man. He pulled me into him and hugged me like he meant it, even with my morning breath and bed-head hair.

As we had our good-morning/good-bye kiss, my body tried to remember every detail of his embrace, and my heart was busy memorizing the way it beats just for Marc.

I guess that has been one of the results of experiencing our tragic loss. I know there is so much I've taken for granted in my life. And, I don't want to do it anymore.

The thought that bounced me from my bed in half-slumber to my feet in half-sprint was this:

What if this is my last chance to tell him I love him? What if something happens and he doesn't come home at approximately 11:10am like every other Monday morning? How hard would I kick myself for not getting out of bed early enough to tell him I love him?

Does that make me paranoid? I don't know. Maybe. But, I don't care. I'm grateful that our twins have taught me how fragile and precious life is. I'm grateful our recent experiences have made me want to embrace life like I mean it.

Because the honest truth is that I don't know when tragedy will strike. And in most cases I won't be given advanced notice.

Marc did come home at 11:06am this morning. I was watching from the kitchen window. He saw me from the front walkway and his smile made my heart skip a beat.

I will not take these things for granted.

Anymore.