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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Mixture of Tears

The other day I went searching for a song for a friend and came across this one by Josh Groban. It's one that I listened to over and over after losing the twins. As I listened to it again, after almost two years and finding myself in such a different place now than I would have ever imagined, I just sobbed.  

There were tears of love for my girls, and hope for the days we'll have together someday. There were tears of fears for all that could possibly go wrong with welcoming little boy #2. There is something about experiencing the fragility of mortality that makes you realize it really could happen to you... and just because it has happened already to you doesn't mean it couldn't happen again.

As I cried those tears of love and of fear, I couldn't help but also shed the sweetest tears of gratitude for the little boy that now fills my arms and my heart. Ben was sitting on my lap, giggly and cooing all through my little breakdown, and I swear that my heart has never felt love and gratitude to that degree. Ever. No matter what lies ahead, we have him. There is no way to express how much joy he has brought us. He is a gift that we cherish every moment of every day.

* His sweater was hand-knitted by a sweet Australian woman that my parents met on their mission. As you can imagine, he got all kinds of compliments today at church.


Allred Mom said...

What a great picture of Ben! He is so cute!

Christian and Jennifer said...

He is such a beautiful baby. Thank you for your blog, Megan. I don't always comment, but I always read your heartfelt and faithful words. You are such an example to me and I'm so grateful to know you. Happy Benjamin! He is definitely a celebration and I'm so grateful you have him.

Kaija said...

That is a fabulous sweater! Thanks so much for sharing the sweet thoughts of your heart. I'll be thinking of you as I help coach a friend through her labor this weekend :-)

Kimberli said...

Megan, I've just updated myself on the last few posts...I am so happy for you! Your little Ben is so sweet. And I am so happy that your boys will have each other to grow up with. I know (from personal experience :) that two babies so close together can be pretty tiring, but it goes SO fast (as I'm sure you've already realized). Ours are six months apart and I thought it was kind of nice to re-live the stage the first baby passed through right away. It made those fun baby moments last longer. It also made me realize how much babies learn/grow in such a short time. Someone told me right after my second baby was born "not to try to get anything done, because you won't. Just enjoy each day and you'll look back with such fond memories" I know you aren't looking for advice, but it was a helpful thing for me on those days when my surroundings were ummm...pretty much trashed. I'll keep checking back for the arrival of your next blessing. Good luck!

Stout Ranch said...

Thank you for that song. I have not heard it before and it touched my soul as I thought about alll four of our losts babies and our twins.

I appreciate you and your faith and hope that one day, we will be able to rejoice in life as you have.


candice said...

Man, that song will make anyone cry!!

Ben is so cute, he looks exactly like you and Marc!

I am so happy for you, what a special time. You are in our prayers.