All in a month...

So, we returned home from Australia and discovered some big changes were coming. I have to apologize for keeping you in suspense. I could have just jumped in and shared what's happened in the last month, but I felt like yesterday I needed to go back and reminisce a little about where we've been and what's happened in the last five years.

Because what came next is something we NEVER would have expected.

As you know, we both came down with some cold/flu thing the night before we came home from Australia... making that 18-hour plane ride home a complete nightmare. But, anyway, Marc got better after about a week. I, on the other hand, stayed sick and got progressively more sick.

And, then we found out why:

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After five years of NOTHING, then all of a sudden THIS. These are just some of the feelings we've experienced:

awe

an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like

won·der

to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel

de·ni·al
disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.

be·wil·dered

completely puzzled or confused; perplexed.

grate·ful

warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful

Still, after having weeks to let the news sink in, I can't say a prayer without weeping. I've thought a lot of Mary and her feelings after the birth of Jesus - "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." And, this year in seminary studying the Old Testament... when we were discussing Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, I felt such a deep connection to their heartache and anxiously hoped to one day also experience their joy. And, now, with this news, feeling so overwhelmed and even undeserving.

I don't want to say we had "given up"... but, we were completely at peace with the probability that we wouldn't have biological children. We were so thrilled with our plans to create our family through adoption. We LOVE adoption. We will continue to be advocates of adoption and spread all that's good about adoption with all we know. We have gained SO MUCH from our adoption journey - knowledge, understanding, empathy, sensitivity... not to mention the incredible birthmothers we've met and other adoptive couples who have become such dear friends. And, hopefully we will still have the chance to experience the full miracle of adoption.

Words can't describe how grateful we are to the Lord for allowing our paths to cross with "B". We are so grateful for how she has blessed our lives. She has changed our life, simply from the example she has shown us of courage, of faith, of purity and integrity. We have never met anyone who matches the qualities she has already developed. She is one of the most amazing individuals we have EVER met. And, we're looking forward to a lifelong friendship with her.

As you can imagine, we've had some conflicting feelings and emotions over the last few weeks. While we are ever so grateful for the miracle of this pregnancy, it's been hard to let go of our plans and dreams of adoption. I guess, in the end, our dream is to realize the blessing of a family, however the Lord sees fit to allow that to happen. Things change, plans are altered... and I know the Lord is involved in the details of how and when things come together.

Sharing this news is very difficult for a few different reasons, one of those being that I know all too well how painful it is to hear the news of yet another person getting pregnant. It kills me to know that this news could be painful to someone out there. I don't know why this has happened for us. It's very humbling, even to the point where I know there are so many out there who are more deserving of this blessing than us.

It's also very scary knowing that there could still be "changes" that happen. We are trying to just focus on finding joy and wonder in the miracle that comes with each new day. And, we are filled with comfort, knowing that whatever tomorrow holds, the Lord will take care of and provide for us. He always has and He always will. As long as we align our will with His, we will always be okay.

Even better than okay.

Oh, and there is one other detail about this pregnancy: