Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving week. As usual, as the week approaches, I've been a little more reflective. My blessings are innumerable; to count them feels impossible. But, still, as I've been counting them one by one, I've been asking myself this:

How do I show gratitude for all that I have, for all the ways I'm blessed?

I try to offer prayers of gratitude more often, expressing with my words and heart throbs that I appreciate my gifts and blessings, and recognize the Source of it all. But, somehow as life goes on and I find myself continually more and more indebted to God, it starts to feel like a simple prayer just isn't enough.

Lately, I've become aware of verses of scripture that talk about giving thanks in a different way.

"...when he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water. And it came to pass that he built an altar of stones, and made an offering unto the Lord, and gave thanks unto the Lord our God." (1 Nephi 2:7)

"And it came to pass that they did rejoice exceedingly, and did offer sacrifice and burnt offerings unto the Lord; and they gave thanks unto the God of Israel." (1 Nephi 5:9)

"...after I and my brethren and all the house of Ishmael had come down unto the tent of my father, they did give thanks unto the Lord their God; and they did offer sacrifice and burnt offerings unto him." (1 Nephi 7:22)

Prophets of old, in living the Law of Moses, offered sacrifices of Thanksgiving. That law has since been fulfilled, but I feel drawn to consider what kind of sacrifices I could offer that would show my thankfulness.

I was reminded of a time in Italy when President Curtis encouraged us to fast, focusing only on our expressions of gratitude, not asking for anything. Those 24 hours without food and water ended up being one of the sweetest fasting experiences I've ever had. That may have been when I understood best what he meant when he told us that "one of the fastest ways to bring the Spirit into your lives is through expressing gratitude."

As I searched for other answers, I came across this quote by Elder Oaks: "Our Savior requires us to continue to offer sacrifices, but the sacrifices He now commands are that we “offer for a sacrifice unto [Him] a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” He also commands each of us to love and serve one another—in effect, to offer a small imitation of His own sacrifice by making sacrifices of our own time and selfish priorities. In an inspired hymn, we sing, “Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven."

This Thanksgiving, I'm counting my blessings as well as thinking of sacrifices I can offer that will prove my gratitude with my actions and not my prayers alone. I'll search for chances to help someone in need, I'll make cookies and build puzzles with my kids, I'll seek out a sad heart to gladden, I'll spend more quality time with Marc after the kids are in bed, I'll ask for heaven to guide me to those who need my time and my help.

And, after Thanksgiving is over, I'll try even harder to remember all of this. Everyday I'm blessed. Everyday I can find ways to sacrifice my time, my talents to show just how grateful I am for all that I have been given.

What will you sacrifice? I'd love to hear your ideas, too!

Adoption: My Dream Come True

November is National Adoption Month. I had plans of sharing more about my feelings about adoption throughout the month, but this particular November proved to make that much more difficult than I would have expected. I'll probably get around to explaining the reasons behind that in the coming days, but for now I can't let myself get distracted from sharing just a few thoughts about adoption (before the month is officially over).

I suppose the following story, though short and simple on the surface, was the very beginning of our adoption journey.

It was September 2005. Marc and I had been married just over three years. It had been two years since our miscarriage and two years of experiencing the painful ride of infertility. Then, one night I had a dream. I don't remember much about the dream, except the very specific image of a little boy. He had blond hair and blue eyes and a mouth full of teeth, which was what made me guess that he was about two years old. He was smiling at me and me at him. There were no words exchanged, but there was this overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude. As I watched him, there came two very clear thoughts. One, that he was my baby boy. And, two, that he did not come from my body.

I honestly didn't take the details of my dream too seriously (even though the image was so detailed and etched in my memory forever), but I did feel the power of its message. I just figured that the little boy in my dream was simply the face of our adoption hope and the push behind us to find our baby. It wasn't until the following year that we finally jumped into adoption. And then it was another two years before our adoption dreams came true.

And come true they did. In every way I could have imagined. That boy from my dream six years ago is very real and brings us so much joy. To look into those blue eyes and to run my fingers through his soft, blond hair, to hear his giggle and watch him do all sorts of daring things, I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to call him mine. And, that he came to us in such a special way, through an amazing woman that loved him first. Adoption is a gift and a blessing, on more levels and in more ways that I can count. I find it so fitting that the month set aside for honoring adoption is shared with our holiday of giving thanks.

Oh Blessed Tupperware

With Thanksgiving around the corner, much of today was spent preparing for tomorrow. I made a dairy-free pumpkin pie, a caramel apple pie, and a traditional apple pie with the leftover pie crust and apples.

I had arranged with Marc to have some extra help with the boys for a couple of hours, so that I could get the pies done faster. At one point while Marc ran to the store to pick up a crucial ingredient for me, I was left with my little walking boy playing at my feet. 

I was busy peeling the granny smith apples. Ben was busy pulling out the Tupperware from the bottom cabinet and the red plastic cups. Then he found his favorite cupboard that holds the Emergen-C packets that he likes to tote around and chew on.

I paused to watch him playing at my feet, and thought of Hugh still napping upstairs... and felt so grateful for these two little boys who have come into my life. A year ago they were both on their way, but I was still feeling very hesitant to trust that they would both arrive safely and surely. But, hope was as strong as ever.

And, here we are a year later with our greatest hopes realized. Benjamin and Hugh have filled the space in my heart where pain once set up camp and threatened to stay forever. I never would have imagined life could be so sweet. Even, or maybe especially, with a kitchen floor covered in Tupperware.  

With so much to be grateful for, tomorrow is bound to be a wonderful day of celebration. Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends!

Dream Come True

We're home.

And, I don't know if life could get any better. (Well, if I'm being completely honest, I think a little more uninterrupted sleep might be one thing that could be better... but, sleep is really overrated anyway, isn't it?)

Hugh is doing great. He smiles while he sleeps. He has the cutest raspy cry. His fingers and toes are longer than I've ever seen on a newborn. I'm pretty sure they're as long as Ben's are now at five months. (Although, where Ben lacks in length, he makes up for in chunkiness.) Hugh is eating well and even sleeping well - getting some good 3-4 hour stretches every night. I am admittedly not sleeping much during the night since I'm constantly waking to make sure he's still breathing. He has big, piercing eyes that make me think of creamy dark chocolate. (That could be my postpartum needs coming out.) He and I have both come down with a slight cold, with the main complaint being some nasal congestion, which we're both hoping goes away fast. So far, though, he is doing wonderful and we feel so blessed to have him in our family.

Ben has responded really well to a new baby in the house. That first night we were home he was startled a bit by Hugh's raspy cry and started crying himself. He has since gone from startled to curious to entertained. When placed close to Hugh, Ben pats Hugh on the head or tries to grab for any part of Hugh that he might be able to suck on, staying true to his stage of development right now, which seems to be sucking on anything and everything. He is at such a cute stage right now - so aware and curious about everything around him and talking up a storm. He is pure joy!

Marc is... in one word, fantastic. He has been caring for Ben during the night while I focus on taking care of Hugh and myself. He makes up silly songs that make Ben laugh, even though Ben's still much too young to know what Marc is singing about. He is gentle and sweet with little Hugh (and with me, too). He is so good with both our boys and I feel so blessed to be married to him.

My recovery seems to be coming along. My ankles that had swollen to at least double their size while I was down at UCSF, are now back to their normal look. A sure sign that I'm finally giving my body the rest and healing it needs. Full recovery doesn't seem quite so far away anymore. I'm so happy to be home with my family.

After nine months of imagining what our life would look like with two babies so close in age, we're finally living it in the present tense and I'm loving every minute of it. I often find myself laughing at some of the crazy moments and shake my head in disbelief that this is really our life. And, in the middle of that head shaking, I can't keep the tears from falling. I don't know how or why we've been so blessed. My heart is so full. Joy has filled the emptiness that once knew only pain and heartache and fear that motherhood would only be a dream.

My dream truly has come true. Twice now. And twice later. And I am so grateful.

Easter Morn

No words today. Just heartthrobs of overwhelming gratitude and love.

A long overdue thank you

We have been blessed with the greatest families and friends. They have been so faithful in standing alongside us through all that we've experienced, lifting our hands when they hang down and strengthening our feeble knees.

We started this blog mainly to help us with our adoption quest. Along the way, over the last year and a half, we've been blessed in so many ways. Especially over the last few months, we've felt overwhelmed by the faithful support we've received from family, friends and strangers, for all the prayers that have been offered on our behalf all around the world.

We don't express our gratitude nearly enough to all of you. Please know that your prayers and love, the comments, the emails, the phone calls, have all helped our hearts to heal... and in addition, the gratitude we have then felt for your love and support has brought even more healing.

The journey we've been on has had some incredible ups and downs. We've felt a profound gratitude for YOU. Yes, YOU, the one who is reading this right now. There are many who have followed our journey from the beginning, some who have joined us mid-way through, some who we've met in person, some who have chosen to remain anonymous. And, we want ALL OF YOU to know that we have felt your love and support, whether you've expressed it to us or not.

I will not take these things for granted

* photo taken Autumn 2007

My sister made me a CD recently and included this song on it. Good song with an even better message.

I guess it's probably obvious that this year has majorly changed our life. It's different.

Little things have come to mean so much more to me than they did before we lost our twins.

This morning Marc was up early to get ready for one of the classes he teaches at the college. On most Monday mornings I'm usually still in bed by the time he leaves. Which was the case this morning, since I was up past midnight last night.

Sometimes he comes in to kiss me good-bye, but sometimes he sweetly leaves me undisturbed. (I don't know if he knows this, but I never mind being disturbed by his kisses.)

I heard him in the kitchen, getting his jacket on and zipping up his bag. I squinted over at the clock to see the time.

At first, I thought, I'll just wait 'til he leaves, and eventually I'll roll myself out of bed.

And just as that thought scrolled across my mind, I found myself jumping out of bed and hurrying to the kitchen in hopes of catching him before he got out the door.

He heard me and met me halfway on the top step that leads into the kitchen. I think I was still half-squinting because I only half-noticed what he was wearing. Even still, I noticed enough to know that I'm married to one incredibly handsome man. He pulled me into him and hugged me like he meant it, even with my morning breath and bed-head hair.

As we had our good-morning/good-bye kiss, my body tried to remember every detail of his embrace, and my heart was busy memorizing the way it beats just for Marc.

I guess that has been one of the results of experiencing our tragic loss. I know there is so much I've taken for granted in my life. And, I don't want to do it anymore.

The thought that bounced me from my bed in half-slumber to my feet in half-sprint was this:

What if this is my last chance to tell him I love him? What if something happens and he doesn't come home at approximately 11:10am like every other Monday morning? How hard would I kick myself for not getting out of bed early enough to tell him I love him?

Does that make me paranoid? I don't know. Maybe. But, I don't care. I'm grateful that our twins have taught me how fragile and precious life is. I'm grateful our recent experiences have made me want to embrace life like I mean it.

Because the honest truth is that I don't know when tragedy will strike. And in most cases I won't be given advanced notice.

Marc did come home at 11:06am this morning. I was watching from the kitchen window. He saw me from the front walkway and his smile made my heart skip a beat.

I will not take these things for granted.

Anymore.

Weekend Surprise

Saturday morning we woke up early and made our morning bike ride to the cemetery. I enjoy that bike ride so much for so many different reasons. Just love it. And, I love it when Marc is able to come with me... it's much nicer when it's shared.

We came home and while Marc took I shower I started cleaning like a mad woman. You would have thought we were expecting company. I just really love getting everything cleaned and organized for a peaceful Sunday (little did I know of the company about to arrive). I finally jumped in the shower by 10:30am, I think. Just as I was getting out, Marc told me we had some friends stop by and were outside, waiting to talk to me.

Anyway, so I threw on some clothes and as I opened the door all I saw was Marc talking to some guy. As I looked closer, I realized it was my oldest (or is it nicer to say biggest?) brother Jamie, who lives in Idaho! He had just called like an hour earlier and asked to talk to Marc about a technical question. Having a computer genius for a husband, this is a common occurance... but apparently the "technical question" was simply to find out if we were going to be around for the day.

Jamie drove down from Idaho with his childhood best friend - Kenny - who is probably his adulthood best friend, too. They were in town to pick up some of Kenny's things in storage, since he and his family recently have moved down the street from Jamie and Janet, in Idaho. Oh the fun they're going to have being inseparable again!

(Kenny, where are your shorts?! I hope this photo isn't too embarrassing!)

I really don't have many memories of Jamie growing up, seeing as he left the house when I was 6 years old. I'm so grateful that as we've gotten older we've been able to create such a strong friendship with each other.

And, grateful for others who captured these kinds of photos of Jamie, that I wasn't able to witness firsthand:

(Jamie, do you have any explanation for this picture? Please tell me it was halloween or something.)

And, now that I may be in very big trouble for these two photos, here are some that should redeem Jamie as an awesome big brother, who always goes the extra mile. This first one was when we were together for a family reunion during the Summer of 2001. Everyone had already left for church and I was sure to be late... so Jamie brushed my teeth for me while I did my hair. Seriously, who can say their brother has done something like that?

And, it gets better. Today, Jamie decided to head home an hour early from church, so that he could get started on making the mashed potatoes to go with the pot roast that I had in the crockpot. Well, I was completely shocked at the scene I came home to. Not only were the potatoes already mashed and ready to go, there was a salad on the table, a pan of bread loaves rising, a tray of dinner rolls rising, butternut squash baking in the oven, and he was in the process of making the gravy. Seriously? YES! I was so surprised, I grabbed the camera to capture the moment. Proof:

(Even with a smile on his face!)

I can't even describe how wonderful it was to be surprised with Jamie's visit. It has been almost four months since he was here last - for the twins' memorial. As soon as I saw him, there was a joy and comfort that immediately filled my heart. I guess during trying times you start to recognize how precious your family is, how wonderful it is to have people in your life who accept you one hundred percept, who love you and desire to protect you.

I have been blessed with the best family. I really have. I also happen to have married into an equally best family. On top of that I've been blessed with friends who fit more into the family category than the friend category, which is a rare and special blessing. And, while I'm at it, I have to add a huge thank you to our blogging friends, known and unknown. Thank you for your continuous love and support through the last few months, especially. Much of the most loving support we've received has come through our blog. We've been so touched by the encouraging and beautiful comments that have been left for us. Please know how much your kindnesses have meant to us and continue to mean to us.

Jamie, thanks so much for your surprise visit! Your big brother hugs were more needed than I had realized. My heart healed a little bit more from your visit. It meant more than you probably realize. I love you. So. Much. Please drive safe tonight. (Janet, thanks for your hugs by proxy - I actually got TWO from you! And, thanks for the goodie box that was hand-delivered! Love it!)

Sweet Surprise

This probably could have been included with our previous post, but I felt like this deserved its own, separate post. When we first looked towards our daughters' grave this morning, we noticed there was something sticking out of their vase:

We pulled it out and this is what we read:

Needless to say, our hearts were so touched by this sweet note. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I used to work with the Young Women at Church and these two, Mahala and Sage, are the most thoughtful teenagers! When they found out I was expecting twins, they wrote me a beautiful card on Mother's Day and brought me over homemade popcicles to help me through the morning sickness. They had already been designated as our babysitters... they were so excited to fulfill that responsibility. We were all excitedly looking forward to the days ahead.

A couple of weeks ago, they asked if they could ride their bikes with us one morning to the cemetery, since neither of them were able to be with us for the Memorial service. I was touched that they would want to come with us. It was nice to share some of our thoughts and testimonies with them that morning. But, I didn't think they'd visit the gravesite again on their own.

We really weren't expecting to find this note today. We assumed we were the only ones visiting our daughters' grave. Their reality is so much more powerful in our hearts and minds, and we don't expect others to feel the same reality of who they are to us. But, just for a brief moment this morning, I was completely overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude for the love that others feel, not only for us, but also for our girls, Elliana and Emmaline. I know they are loved by so many. I can't wait for the day that they'll be showered with that love from those who already love them, even without having the chance to get to know them here.

And, so I guess, more than ever before, we're still excitedly looking forward to the days ahead....

Two months...

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I was having all of these awful bike accident scenarios swarming through my head. You see, I had a little bike accident on Saturday morning coming back from my ride to the cemetery. Marc was teaching a class at the college, so I was on my own that morning and... anyway, it wasn't a big deal. I was definitely watched over and protected from suffering any major, serious injuries. It really could have been A LOT worse!

This morning those same scenarios from last night were still haunting me, and they almost kept me from getting back on my bike this morning. But, I was finally able to convince myself that my fears weren't going to win. Plus, today is the two-month mark of our girls' birth and passing, so I just felt like I especially needed to go today.

And, I was so glad I did.

When we got there, we noticed a newly buried grave closeby where our girls are buried, so after securing our bikes, we walked over to see who was just buried. We have found so much interest in other peoples' graves, wondering who they are, what their stories are, who their families are. The grass that had been cut up and placed back over the top of the burial place was bulging and still so loose you could pick it up.

It reminded me of an email I received from a new friend of mine who has also buried two of her children. About a month ago, she shared some thoughts in an email with me that have stayed with me and really helped me. I hope she won't mind me sharing them here... it's just too beautiful not to share!

After the funeral, the ground around the gravestone is torn open, raw, exposed. The rain comes along and tears it open again. It takes time for a few pieces of grass to begin to grow. It must be dealt with carefully, or it will not grow over and "heal." It is taken care of by the groundskeeper, and straightened and smoothed when we go to visit. And then one day, when we go to the cemetery, we notice something. The ground is grassy all around. It was such a gradual change that we hardly realized that it happened. The gravestone is there to remind us, but the ground is healed, completely healed from the stress of being torn open, and there is no more proof of the raw dirt that was there not so long ago. I think the ground and our hearts have something in common. They are both torn open and raw, but with time, we begin to see the beginnings of healing. And then one day, we laugh and have a good day and realize, our heart has healed.

Today, while looking at the bulging gravesite of this freshly buried grave, and then looking at how much our girls' gravesite has settled, there was such a contrast. And, I realized that, while we haven't completely healed yet, there is some healing that has taken place. The ground is settling, the wounds are healing.

Here is how it looked two days after the funeral:


Two months after the funeral, here's how it looks today:


I know there is still a very long road ahead, but I'm grateful for the healing that has come, for the pains that have been soothed, for the many people who have reached out to us and loved us and cried with us. So much healing has come from the love and support we've felt in abundance over the last couple of months. Our hearts are so deeply touched. Thanks to all of you....

Blessings unmeasured

"Whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want.”

- C.S. Lewis

* image credit: vendingventures.com

When Marc and I were dating, I remember having a conversation with him where we talked about how sometimes in life we look at blessings like buying from a vending machine. Here's what I mean... you put in your money and then get to choose what you want from the vending machine. It can be easy to look at life the same way... you put in the time and effort working towards obtaining some desirable thing, and then naturally expect to receive what it is you want.

Life doesn't always work like that, though... sometimes we get the blessing we desire and sometimes we don't. And, I guess depending on how you look at it, that can be unfortunate or it can be fortunate.

We tend to go for what we like, what we're comfortable with... but, sometimes there are other options that would get us out of our comfort zone and require us to be a little more courageous. And, while there can be some disappointment in not receiving what we think we want... I feel confident that in the end what we receive and the way we receive it turns out to be so much better than what we ever could have imagined for ourselves.

I have gotten the feeling lately that in the end I'll honestly be able to look back and feel grateful for the paths we have taken, for the things we've learned along the way, for the alternate routes that have provided a completely different view, more complex and beautiful than the one we thought we wanted. I wouldn't trade what we've been given with anyone. Even at my lowest low, I still feel that way... the blessings have always far outweighed the affliction.

We received this thoughtful gift for our anniversary that has helped us reflect on all of the blessings we've been given. Counting blessings is really like eating M&Ms... you can't stop with just one (I know they say that about potato chips, but I feel it's more true with M&Ms...) So, anyway, the effect is this incredible awareness of all the blessings that we continue to receive on a daily basis. We love having this reminder of how blessed we are! (A HUGE thank you to our friends for giving us this gift!)

I was listening to this CD the other day, and loved the third verse of "The Lord is My Shepherd." (If you click on "this CD" you can listen to part of this verse - it's beautiful!).

In the midst of affliction my table is spread.

With blessings unmeasured my cup runneth o'er.

With perfume and oil thou annointest my head.

Oh, what shall I ask of thy providence more?

Oh, what shall I ask of thy providence more?

I don't think I've ever paid attention to the beauty of those words... but I've found them to be so true for us right now. In the midst of affliction, we really have been blessed with blessings unmeasured. I know grieving is healthy and it's necessary to experience, but I feel so grateful that the blessings we've received have helped heal the grief we feel. As blessings continue to flow into our lives, we feel so grateful for the tenderness of a loving Father in reminding us how much He loves us.

There is a relief that comes from knowing that God knows best what we need and how to bless us in His way and in His time. We are learning that His blessings to us are more than what we ever could have imagined for ourselves. With Him in charge, don't things always turn out better than how we hoped?

"I don’t know how it is for you, but I have felt so often in my life so greatly blessed for what little obedience I have given. My conclusion...is that the Lord’s ratio of blessings to our obedience is a very generous ratio indeed. He is so quick to reward us, so quick to reassure us, and so anxious to take delight when we serve Him. So... the only bottom line I can give you is that the ratio of blessings to our comparatively minuscule obedience is a very, very generous ratio indeed.”

- Neal A. Maxwell

"Triumph is born out of struggle"

In the last few days I've thought a lot about submission to God's will, and I wanted to clarify that getting to the point of submitting to God's will has not been quick or simple. I suppose it comes as a result of a lifetime of experiences, often experiences that were learned the hard way. And, really, we're still learning how it's done and what it means. We have by no means arrived at our desired destination.

About a year ago we had an experience that ended up being a very painful learning experience in not seeking out or accepting God's will for us. Without going into a lot of detail, we had been chosen to adopt a baby girl and we exhausted ourselves in trying to convince God that we deserved this little girl. In the weeks and months leading up to her due date, my prayers consisted mainly of begging and pleading for this baby to make it to our home. I was too afraid to ask if it was right; too afraid to pray to know God's will for us and for that little baby. Well, the adoption ended up not working out. As a result, I fell. And, I fell hard. 

It was a scary place to be. Fortunately we were able to recover, but we learned a lot from that hard experience. Perhaps the most important thing we learned was that it was much more painful to go through a hard experience without seeking to know the will of the Lord, than it was to put the situation into the Lord's hands. I suppose that was one of our first experiences in learning the difference between "faith in Christ" and "faith in a desired outcome." 

Of course, having faith in Christ requires a trust and assurance that He loves us, He knows us, and He will ultimately bless us in ways we never would be able to imagine. There is a sense of freedom that comes from acknowledging that we are unable to see the entire picture of our lives. When we, then, put everything in the Lord's hands, we're able to find relief from the burden of our short-sightedness.

There is a deleted scene from the movie Bruce Almighty that has always struck me in a powerful way. It's unfortunate that they chose to not include it in the actual movie. I have to admit that I don't agree or approve of every aspect of the movie, but I do appreciate its attempt to bring some moral truths to Hollywood. Anyway, the basic plot of the movie is that the main character (Jim Carey) is given the role of "God" for a week. At one point Jim Carey is answering peoples' prayers and basically gets overwhelmed by the task, and just answers with a "yes" to everyone. Later, "God" (played by Morgan Freeman) shows Jim Carey some of the consequences of those "yes" answers.

They take a look at Filbert Davis in gym class, being bullied by other boys because he can't climb the rope. He prays, "Oh God, please help me." His prayer is answered and he miraculously climbs to the top very quickly.

As a result of Filbert's prayer being answered the way he thought he wanted it answered, and with his sudden increase in confidence, the next scene shows Filbert being the bully, beating up another boy on the playground. And, at this point Morgan Freeman explains: 

Since when does anybody have a clue about what they want. Filbert was a brilliant young man; he was going to be a Greek poet. The soul of his work would have been built around his childhood pain. Now he's headed for a career as a professional wrestler, he will eventually test positive for steroids and end up managing a muffin shop.

Then, Morgan Freeman shows how the trials and challenges given to people were intended to bring about other blessings that couldn't come in any other way. After giving Jim Carey a glimpse of the good that would have come to certain people because of their struggles, Morgan Freeman says this:

Triumph is born out of struggle. Faith is the alchemist. If you want to paint pictures like this you have to use some dark colors.

(Definition of alchemy: process of transforming a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value.)

I love that message that faith transforms us into something of great value... and our faith is best tested in the face of extreme challenges. In the last few months I have come to an awareness that God sees the full picture of my life and knows that "using dark colors" will bring about blessings and knowledge that we couldn't have received in any other way. Like with Filbert's childhood pain having a purpose in his life's mission, I know there are things I'm meant to learn through hard experiences.

It has not been an easy couple of months... there is deep pain that has carved itself deep into my heart. But with that pain there has also come an increased awareness of God's love for me personally. I am profoundly grateful for a loving Father who knows me and loves me, and who has been blessing me with daily evidence of His love for me - through gifts in nature, through the loving arms of a friend, through quiet moments on my knees. I do not know for sure what lies ahead in my life... but I trust in God that He will preserve and provide.

(As a side note, I found it interesting to read a post I made about a year ago, that you can read here. It's amazing how much I didn't know then about how this last year would go... but, I'm grateful for the ways I was being prepared and strengthened to handle these current experiences.)

Source of Healing

I have always loved the story of Peter walking on the water to Christ, but in the last few weeks its message has come to mean even more to me. As we have had our own long, dark nights of navigating stormy seas, I have been touched with the message of Christ coming to the aid of his disciples who found themselves on a stormy Sea of Galilea. After a long night of struggling through the raging waters, Christ came in the fourth watch of the night, declaring, “be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.”

Peter then answers Christ, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” The invitation from Christ, ever consistent, is “come.” Peter then enters the troubled waters and, with his eye fixed on the Savior, walks on the water towards Him. It is only when his focus changes from the Savior to fearing the winds and the waves, that he begins to sink. Peter, knowing Christ could save him in that moment of need, cries out, “Lord, save me.” And, I love the next part: “And, immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him.”

I find myself wanting to be as quick as Peter in crying out for help. When the burden gets too heavy to bear or when I feel tempted to dwell on the "if onlys" and "what ifs", I'm learning to turn my focus to Christ. I've experienced great peace in doing that. When my thoughts and feelings are directed towards Him, my heart is softened, my pain is soothed, and I find immediate calm. And, those moments of calm have come to mean so much.

About a week ago I found myself going through a low moment. To help me get through that valley, I knew I needed to shift my focus to Christ, and away from the doubts and fears. I decided to put together a slideshow of paintings of Christ. Somewhere in that process I was reminded again of how much I need Christ to get through this, and that He wants me to need Him.

I also felt a sense of Him wanting and needing me to get through this, needing me to come out of this stronger and more faithful. It'll be a process that might take a while, but I am so grateful to know He is there to help me through whatever comes. He is there, just like He was for Peter, waiting and wanting to lift us and save us.

* Image credit: Greg Olsen, Simon Dewey

Camping on the Coast

We went camping along the Northern California coast, in a rather secluded area that we had never been to before. Whenever we go to the coast we always have our usual beaches and favorite spots we like to visit... but, lately we've felt the urge to break away from the old, the familiar... and find new favorites and discover new adventures. I guess that makes sense. With our hearts feeling so vulnerable and exposed to such unfamiliar feelings, it seems fitting that we would feel most comfortable being out of our comfort zone.

The sunset was spectacular:


The three raccoons that were gently clawing at our tent, ended up being harmless:


The weather was cool and refreshing, without a cloud in the sky:


The waves and ocean brought renewal and healing:


Walking along the shore, watching the waves wash over the rocks, it almost felt as if we were getting an intimate glimpse into our own hearts. We are experiencing our own waves of pain and healing. There is high tide and there is low tide. There is the ebb and the flow. It's so much of how we've been feeling lately that being near the ocean makes us feel very much at home.

It's comforting to find that even when we're in unfamiliar territory that there are constants that we can rely on without fail... like that no matter what part of the ocean we go to, we are still going to find the same feelings of comfort and calm.

Even more than that, we're grateful that along this unchartered pathway of our grief we find constance in the One who has traveled this road before, who has not abandoned us in our time of need. We have felt His assurance again and again: I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. - John 14:18

Blossoms in August

My heart has been touched deeply by small miracles lately. In the last couple of days, three separate plants of ours have blossomed flowers. I don't remember the last time they produced flowers, and I surely wasn't expecting blossoms in August, but they are beautiful and so alive.

When I look at them I feel an overwhelming sense of God's love and awareness. They feel like His gentle way of reminding me of life... life beyond death, victory from the grave. I'm grateful to a loving Father who is so gently blessing us through what may be our darkest hour, who is guiding us along this rugged path, who is filling our life with sweet reminders of His love for us and for our little girls.

 

We will spend the next couple of days soaking up the beauty and life from the incredible outdoors. It is calling and we are definitely needing to fill up from the fountains of life. I love this quote by John Muir:

Thousands of tired, nerve shaken, over civilized people are beginning to find that going to the mountains is going home; that wilderness is a necessity; and that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life. 

Walking with Sorrow

While I'm still trying to find my own words to express some portion of what I'm feeling, I thought I'd share some of these words, expressed by others much more eloquently than what I could say. We also wanted to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers for us... we have never felt such a tangible strength from prayers offered for us. They have carried us through the events of the last week and our hearts have been deeply touched by the kindness and love extended to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Some thoughts on the purposes of sorrow and pain:

Robert Browning Hamilton wrote: 

I walked a mile with Pleasure. 
She chattered all the way, 
But left me none the wiser 
For all she had to say. 
I walked a mile with sorrow, 
And ne'er a word said she; 
But oh, the things I learned from her 
When sorrow walked with me!! 

In the book "Faith Precedes the Miracle", it reads: 

"Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery." 

Quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 99:

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me anymore."
I stamped my foot and said, " Be on your way,"
And paused there startled at the look he wore.
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher -- all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?" 
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast.
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song --
Even for one who'd tortured me so long. 

-Anonymous

Dear Blog Readers,

We have been so overwhelmed reading all the comments left for us over the last few days. Thank you for your kind words and warm thoughts for us!! This pregnancy really has come as a huge surprise... it still hasn't quite sunk in, yet. It was a little scary to come out and make the first announcement, but it has felt so great to celebrate our exciting news with you. Many of you have have followed our journey and have helped this miracle happen with your prayers. So, thank you so much for your constant support and the prayers you have offered on our behalf. We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. Thank you!!

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! We had been planning on spending the holiday with Marc's family in Seattle, but plans changed at the last minute and we weren't able to make it. We were sad to not be able to spend this week with them... didn't get to go on a morning run with Calamity and didn't get to experience Carrot's Thanksgiving party that Martha Stewart would have been jealous of. We missed being with all of Marc's family, especially seeing all of our energetic nieces and nephews. Yeah, while we had a fabulous day yesterday, it really was quite boring compared to our usual huge family get together. We promise to make it up there... soon! :)

The worst part of not being with family this year was that rather than providing my pan of yummy yams, I had to provide everything (with Marc's help, of course). It wasn't the first time I've prepared a meal like this, but it was my first time cooking a turkey! In the past I've done other things like chicken breast stuffed with stuffing. But, I decided it was high time I learn how it's done. I was chatting with my little sister on Wednesday and asked her if she knew how to cook a turkey, fully expecting that since she's younger than me that there's no way she would already have learned to do it before me. Well, not only has she done it, she already has a "tried and true" recipe. So, then I really knew it was about time to learn. Plus, with the recipe came an emergency hotline, available all day, just for me! (Thanks, Mandi, you're the best!)

I was feeling quite overwhelmed with terminology like "gizzards" and "truss the turkey," and had asked Marc for moral support in the kitchen when I'd have to do those things. His response: "do I have to?" You see, my dear husband has an even more sensitive gag reflex than me. So, luckily I was wearing my Wonder Woman shirt (strategically). I took a deep breath and opened up that turkey, in true wonder woman fashion! Someone must have known that turkey would be coming to me, 'cause it was all cleaned out for me and I didn't even have to truss it! With all the anticipation and stress that went into making my first turkey, I was thrilled when it turned out great! It was juicy and filled the house with the most savory aroma!

Notice the "Wonder Woman" shirt! Honestly, every time I looked at my shirt, I thought about how blessed I am to be related to so many wonder women - my mom, my mother-in-law, my sisters, my sisters-in-law, and the list could go on and on - they all inspire me and bless my life so much! Thanks to them and their tutoring I'm not a complete failure in the kitchen!



Over all, it was a really nice day. I really enjoyed the process of putting together an elaborate feast for just the two of us. (Well, and Einstein and Watson were lucky enough to taste a little turkey, too. They didn't express any gratitude, but the ultra-fast movement of their licking tongues was really thanks enough.)


The thing I like the most about Thanksgiving is the reminder behind the celebration that we have much to be grateful for... because we really do! So, here's a combined "Top 5" blessings that Marc and I are grateful for: 5) a warm home, 4) the scriptures, 3) adoption, 2) family and friends, and 1) each other. And, just for fun, here are some other blessings that get honorable mention: foggy days, talents and hobbies, starry nights, socks, movies, hot cocoa with peppermint ice cream, toothpaste, chocolate, and (or course) Einstein and Watson. We really are so blessed!

You know, though, the overwhelming feeling I get around this time of year is wishing I could remember to be grateful for all of these things every other day of the year. So, as a closing thought, here's a quote from a really great talk about gratitude by Henry B. Eyring:

"[Y]ou could ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."