Car buying - the good and the bad

Tuesday morning we were busy putting all our ducks in a row to finally finalize the purchase of our first family-sized vehicle. After months of researching and searching and making contacts and negotiating prices and having nightmares about not being able to bring our baby girl home from the hospital because we didn't have a car big enough, we finally found something that we felt good about.

The main problem, or perhaps the biggest inconvenience was that it was being sold by a dealership three hours away. But, that was also a stroke of good fortune since my super awesome friend, Annie, lives in the same city. So, we made plans to meet up and the two little boys and me to stay the night and spend part of the next day with her and her two boys, while Marc would make his way home with one of our cars on Tuesday and I'd come home the next day in our other car.

Without going into all the nitty-gritty details, the whole process ended up taking longer than we anticipated and the purchase wasn't finalized on Tuesday and we all stayed the night.

As long of a day as it was and with everything taking much longer than expected, it actually felt kind of like vacation. While the car was being checked out by a mechanic, we met up with Annie and Jack at a train park, where the boys had tons of fun running around and exploring. I'm pretty sure the very best part, though, was that Daddy was there running around with them. And, when their faces were red and energy mostly spent, we went to the cool and comfort of Annie's home. As we left to go test drive the car, the boys were so happy to be playing with Jack and Scotty again, and of course all of their cool toys, that they didn't even notice when we left.

And, even though the day ended without new car keys in hand, it did end with yummy pizza and salad and helium balloons, making us really wish our local Round Table had the same buffet deal here. I'm pretty sure the boys wouldn't mind at all. They were in heaven!

Fortunately, Wednesday morning came and everything came together smoothly to make the purchase final and by noon-ish we were caravaning back home with Marc and Ben in our new Sienna and Hugh and me in our Honda. Hugh slept for most of the drive home, but woke up at different intervals and would start crying out "new car" and "Daddy", clearly not happy that he was missing out. Poor kid! I had no idea it was going to be so traumatic.

It was such a relief to finally have everything come together and eliminate that extra little burden of stress from our minds. And, even though the entire process and being three hours away was a huge hassle, having such great friends to spend the extra time with made it fun and relaxing. It was a huge blessing to have ended up in their city under such unexpected car-buying circumstances. We have really been blessed with some of the greatest of friends!

A Bit of Heaven

Ever since my friend, Annie, moved over a month ago, we've been talking about making plans to meet up - somewhere, somehow. So, our plans finally materialized today after a spur of the moment conversation on the phone yesterday. We picked a halfway point, making it about a 90-minute drive for both of us. I was super excited... except for the bad dream that was trying to haunt me enough to keep me home, safe and sound.

You see, yesterday afternoon as I laid down for a little nap I was so exhausted that all I could think of was how I was going to make the drive home after our play date, right in the middle of my normal nap time. (And, by the way, I feel no shame in admitting I have a normal nap time!) Somehow that thought then translated into me having a dream about making that 90-minute drive back home and getting in a car accident.

So, last night before bed I told Marc about the dream, asking him to help me distinguish between what might be thoughts to heed and thoughts that were being fed by some overactive OCD scenarios. I felt reassured when he responded that he was sure everything was going to go just fine and I didn't need to worry about getting in an accident.

Sure enough, we made it to our meeting point just before 10am without any problems. The boys did great in the car and were great little travelers, even sleeping for the last 30 minutes of the drive.

We let our four boys play at this great little playground for a good 90 minutes or so before we relocated to perhaps the happiest place on earth for four hungry little boys. You would have called it the happiest place on earth too if you could have witnessed what Annie and I witnessed as we all ate lunch together! I should have gotten my camera out to have some proof. It was so much fun. I don't know when I laughed as hard as I did today. Our boys play pretty good together and I was so happy to have some girl time with Annie.

After nearly three hours together, we all got safely buckled into our cars and drove in opposite directions, heading back to our homes. Annie and I promised we'd call each other as soon as we were safely home. I quickly called Marc to let him know I was leaving, giving him a rough idea of when he could expect me home. That was 12:37pm.

The next time I tried to call him was 1:01pm. That was when our really fun day had suddenly made a wrong, very unexpected turn. I thought the stroller in our trunk was the cause for me struggling up some of the steeper hills on the drive. But on one particularly steep incline I learned there was something much more serious going on. I gassed it and the engine was revving, but I watched helplessly as the speedometer gradually decreased more and more until I realized I was starting to drift backwards, back down the hill I was trying to climb.

This is a two-lane, curvy highway through rather hilly terrain. My misfortune occurred in a rather fortunate area - a rare spot where there were passing lanes in both directions and a barely wide enough shoulder for me to slowly back my car into a safer position, making it so cars could pass by me without us being as much of a danger to us or to anyone else.

So, once I was backed onto the shoulder, I tried to call Marc only to realize I was in an unfortunate area where there was no cell phone service. I thought 9-1-1 was supposed to work even in those areas, so I tried that. Guess what? It doesn't work. I looked around me - in the middle of nowhere, miles from getting help, no houses in sight. Oh, and at that moment panic set in. I felt so helpless and scared. Tears filled my eyes immediately and effortlessly, and just as I was about to completely loss my cool, I knew the first and the best thing for me to do was to pray.

I considered praying that my car would just suddenly work again or that I'd somehow get cell service miraculously. And, even though I knew neither of those were beyond God's power to make happen, instead I found myself pleading for two things - "Please, God, keep my boys and me safe. And, please send someone who can help us out of this situation." That was about when I looked in the back seat - Hugh exhausted and sound-asleep and Ben looking back at me with tired, but hopeful eyes. There was something in his eyes that communicated calm and hope to my heart... even if it was just my own survival mode kicking in, realizing this was not a time for me to crumble, this was a time for me to find whatever courage it would take to get the help we needed.

I got out of the car, locked the doors, and somewhat timidly waved down the very next car that came speeding by. They passed me right by and I was so close to falling apart again. My hopeless gaze followed them as they passed and that was when I saw that maybe their reflexes had just been a little slow. Maybe they felt some empathy for such a desperate-looking pregnant lady. They slowed down and then backed down the hill a little, while I ran up to meet them.

My biggest fear about waving someone down was not knowing who would stop and if they'd turn out to be someone I'd want to have stop. Hence, the timid wave. But, in this situation I really didn't have any other choice. You can imagine my relief when right away I felt reassured that this middle-aged couple was the answer to my simple, yet urgent prayer. They didn't have cell service either, but wrote down my cell phone number and my husband's, promising they'd call him as soon as they had service again.

So, with that, I climbed back into the safety of my car where Hugh was still sleeping and Ben was my sweet source of calm. He should have been asleep like Hugh, but there was something about having him awake with me that made the whole situation easier. I had to find things to distract him, to keep him happy... and in the process I was distracted and kept happy, too.

About 20 minutes later my helpful couple came back from the direction they'd left in, just to let me know that they'd found a Call Box a few miles up the road and that CHP would be on their way to help me out. They said the dispatcher would call Marc, but that they'd also call Marc as soon as they had coverage.

About 20 minutes later a CHP officer arrived. It's now about 2pm. After talking for a few minutes outside our cars, he offered to push my car up the steep hill with his car, putting us in a much safer place where there was a turnoff - a Vista Point.

The officer wrote down Marc's cell number and said he'd call dispatch to confirm he'd been reached and was on his way, before leaving. He went back to his car and I got back into mine. Both boys were wide awake now and I was distracting them with apples and water. After about ten minutes the officer came back to let me know that Marc was on his way, but that he had decided to stay with me until help arrived. I can't tell you how comforting it was to not be left alone there in the middle of nowhere, still more than an hour from home and still with no available communication with anyone. Even when his shift change was about to happen, he called for another CHP officer to come take his place, as my sort of personal guardian.

At this point it was 3pm and the boys were just starting to get a little restless, so I got them out of their carseats and let them play in the driver's seat and roam freely from the front seat to the back. They clearly thought this was such a great game, completely protected from the stress and worry of the situation.

Another hour passed before Marc and my Dad showed up, the most welcomed sight ever! I heaved a huge sigh of relief. The CHP officer stayed around long enough to make sure Triple A was on its way to help us get towed, and then we thanked him profusely before he left, no doubt ready to serve the public in any way possible. Such kind and thoughtful CHP officers helping us today, more heaven-sent help for sure.

After getting everything out of our car and into my Dad's, the tow truck arrived and we finally made it back home at 6:30pm (over four hours later than originally anticipated), just in time to eat some dinner and get the boys in the bath and settled for bed.

It ended up being a much longer and more exhausting day than I expected, but it was so much fun to see Annie and her boys! And, as much as I could have done without the car problems and the extra drama that followed, I'm sitting here feeling such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the simple (yet profound) reminders that God does answer prayers and is aware of the details in my life. I know He was watching over us today. I know He kept us safe and I know He sent us people that would help us get home. It's good to be reminded every once in a while that even when we are among millions of others in the world seeking help and guidance, we are not forgotten or overlooked by a loving Father who loves us all individually and perfectly, and responds in simple (yet miraculous) ways.

Some might argue that the way things came together for us today was simply luck, but I know better. Luck doesn't happen the way things happened today. Today I experienced a bit of heaven as I witnessed very specific answers to some very specific pleas come help me in an urgent time of need. There is no other explanation.

(And, Annie, if you're reading this, even at the end of the day I have no regrets about meeting up with you today... if I could do it all over, I'd still have made the trip to see you. Let's get a date set for next month!)

Quality vs. Quantity

I remember back in high school having a conversation with a girl who was much more extroverted and outgoing than me. She would float around different groups, friendly spreading her social butterfly wings with an enviable ease. That felt much too daring for my comfort zone, which consisted of sitting quietly in my tight-knit little circle of friends. But, I was shocked one day to hear her express sadness at feeling like she didn't have any friends. From my perspective she had dozens (if not hundreds) more friends than me and I didn't understand how she could feel that way. That is, until I realized the difference between quantity and quality.

The conversation stuck with me as a constant reminder that the quality of my relationships was much more important than the number. And, really, I've been so blessed with some of the most priceless friendships a girl could ever hope for.

As I look back on my life, it's so easy to identify friendships that came naturally and easy, and amazing to recognize the tiny details that allowed our lives to connect. I've been seriously blessed with the companionship of some of the most amazing friends, and often during periods when I needed them the most. And, equally amazing is the connection that remains even with great distance and length of time that might separate us.

One of those friends happens to have her birthday today. You should check out her blog and let yourself laugh and be inspired. She is amazing! Happy Birthday, Jess!

As I get older, though, I've realized that those easy, natural friendships don't come along very often. You know the kind... where right off the bat conversations flow, the comfort level makes you feel like you can open up the most vulnerable part of your heart without any hesitation and without any fear of judgment. I should add here that having been blessed with sisters who have filled that role is a blessing I sincerely try not to take for granted. There is nothing better than having sisters who are also my best friends.

And, so when I have that, I find it even more incredible when my life is still blessed with others that bring with them such sweet friendship that makes my life feel richer than what I could ever merit. Just a few short months ago I met a young mother of two adorable boys, her youngest the same age as Benjamin, and right away I felt drawn to her. I could tell by my initial interactions with her that she and I would probably get along really well. Little did I know how much we'd have in common and how those commonalities would quickly forge one of those rare friendships that come easy and naturally.

On the first play date we had with our boys, Annie and I got to talking and before I knew it, she was opening up to me about her recent loss - a baby girl - that left her with wounds that were still raw and painful. It was the last thing I was expecting to hear from such a happy, seemingly carefree person. But, immediately I was taken back to my own reactions to our loss and the efforts I made to appear normal. And, remembering the physical ache that lingers in the heart in the months that follow and the tears that seemed to not ever dry up, I just wanted to wrap her up and take all of that away. And, right away I felt this huge relief with the realization that there would be feelings we'd share that wouldn't ever have to be expressed.

From that day (in October, I think) followed lots of days just like it where we'd meet up, let our boys play (and sometimes borderline fight... two-year olds!), and continue to build our friendship. Earlier this month I was super sad to find out that their brief stay here would be even more brief than originally planned. They moved this morning back to where they came from, which fortunately isn't too far away but still far enough away to create some distance and great difficulty in continuing our weekly play dates and late night talk-fests.

But, rather than feeling sad, I feel so incredibly blessed to have another friend who will no doubt be a friend for life, one of the best in quality.

Memories made in the Sun

The big highlight of our time down with our friends was an important ceremony; a ceremony where my friend Christy became a U.S. citizen. It was a unique opportunity to experience. Feelings of patriotism mingled with spiritual feelings in such a way that I wasn't sure where one began and the other ended. It was such a privilege to be there for such a big moment for my friend.

I just love this photo! Aren't they the cutest family?!

** The photos above were done professionally by Christy's friend - she got some really incredible shots. Go here to see them for yourself. If you live in the area, you might just find an excuse to hire her for a photo shoot. She's good at what she does and was super nice! **

That day is really one that I won't ever forget. I'm so glad we found a way to be there and so grateful for the initial phone call from Dan that started the whole adventure. And, then to spend a few days in the sun, hanging out with their family was awesome and long overdue.

I'm sure it'll be obvious from the following photos that my boys were in heaven. They had so much fun! Of course, it helped that heaven was just outside their sliding glass door - the backyard held its own little park and playground. One day we'll have to get ourselves a backyard like theirs.

Ben fell in love with this Tonka dump truck (these two were pretty much inseparable)...

Ben found his own little version of pushing toys around like he does with his cars at home, this time at the window sill...

we laughed A LOT (Christy's three are some of the most genuinely hilarious kids I know - after just a day with them, you'd be convinced, too, I promise!) ...

we cleaned up messes (this was just after my two schemed together to get a bag of goldfish open and then proceeded to eat them off the floor) ...

we ate good food...

we cooled off...

we lounged...

Hugh learned from Dan how to play Super Mario Brothers...

and learned from Sorority Girl Elsie how to properly shout "Woo-hoo!"...

we played with Bella, the dog (and learned that my boys LOVE dogs, or at least this particular dog)...

we welcomed Daddy with big smiles when he arrived...

These photos give just a quick glimpse into our time together, but I wish everyone could have the chance to spend a day in their home, among their family. There is love in their actions and expressions, there is joy, there is calm even amid the moments of chaos, there is patience and temperance in moments of teaching (I'll never forget Levi's first experience with ebay!). Dan and Christy have both overcome their own personal Mount Everests, and dare I say on multiple occasions. They have their own stories that uplift and inspire and make the world a better place - well, at least my world. It truly is a blessing to call them friends.

The Best Neighbors

Eight years ago (this week, in fact) Marc and I made our first big move as a young, married couple from our little duplex in Springville to an apartment in a little suburb of Portland. Tigard was home for just a little over a year, but we loved our time there. Some of our favorite memories all stem from the first big decision we made upon arrival - where to live.

After walking through at least a couple of dozen apartments, we finally ended up at Cross Creek. It wasn't even on our list of places to check out, but somehow we ended up there. I still remember walking up to the manager's apartment, looking around at the lovely setting of the complex, and already feeling like we had found the right place for us. When Christy (the manager) and her almost-one-year old daughter, Maddy, showed us one of the open apartments we felt even better about living there. There were some specific things that happened that finalized the decision and made it very clear to us that it was a good choice. I just didn't realize at the time how much such a decision would affect my life.

After living there for just a couple of short months, Christy echoed my squeals of excitement when we found out we were expecting our first baby. And, then just a couple of weeks later she was waiting as we returned home from the hospital with nothing but tears, broken hearts, and news that we had lost our baby. I remember being so touched by the tears she shed right along with me. I didn't expect compassion that deep from such a new friend.

We became fast friends. One of those friendships that doesn't take any effort. It was an added bonus that our husbands liked each other, too. And, over the last eight years, even with long distances separating us and visits that are much too infrequent, we've managed to keep our friendship as strong as it was when we were neighbors at Cross Creek.

~~~

A couple of weeks ago we were able to spend a little over a week in the sun with our all-time favorite neighbors. The boys and I squeezed ourselves into the back seat of my parents' Civic, as they were headed to my brother's house which was conveniently right on the way. I'll admit the boys weren't super pleased with my traveling arrangements that included waking them at four in the morning and them being strapped in their car seats for an insane amount of time... but we survived. Thanks, in part, to moments like this:

(We had to leave Marc behind to finish up some urgent work projects, but he joined us for the last couple of days.)

Once we arrived, I think the boys thought they were in heaven. And, I felt exactly the same way, though for different reasons.

More to come...

Hoping to Adopt - Robert and Clover

Another couple I know in real life that is hoping to adopt is Robert and Clover. You can check out their blog here, and their online profile here.

It was sixth grade band class sitting among the other flautists in the flute section - that's where I met Clover. There was a whole group of our friends that were in band together and it seems like we were pretty much inseparable even outside of class. 

* with just a few from our group of friends - Sarah, me, Clover, Casey

As far as friends go, Clover was the "first" in a few different ways - my first friend who was a vegetarian, my first friend who owned a real life-size horse, my first friend who lived "in the country" (way up in the hills on the outskirts of town), just to name a few. I remember going out to her house for slumber parties and seeing her with her horse and understanding how perfectly she was in her element in those beautiful hills with her stunning mare. It was so obvious.

Through high school with the ups and downs of school, relationship drama, and boys, Clover was one who was fiercely loyal. I remember the feeling of standing next to her and it was almost as if I could feel a surge of strength flow from her to me. There was no fear in my friend Clover.  

* Clover, Sarah, me

Just to illustrate - on one of our hikes at Girls' Camp we came across a rather large rattle snake. It was about three feet long and I was just inches away, mesmerized by the way it was coiling its lanky body together into a tight little ball. Little did I know, as an innocent 13-year old town girl, that the subsequent rattle was a sign of grave danger. I remember very clearly Clover grabbing my arm very firmly and practically pushing me out of the way, calmly explaining what rattle snakes do just before striking. Calm, level-headed, unafraid.

Unfortunately we briefly lost touch after high school. But, about five years ago we reconnected again. I still remember sitting on the steps of our family room, talking to her on the phone one Sunday evening - the first time in eight years or so. In that time she had married her high school sweetheart, and they had already experienced some great losses in their pursuit to starting a family. I was impressed with Clover's strength and faith, and knew that sharing our struggles with infertility would bring our friendship to a new level. And it did. As much as they had gone through then (six years ago), they have since gone through even more. Thirteen years of disappointment and heartache - and, still when I talk to her now I feel that same surge of strength and courage coming from her.

I look forward with great anticipation to watching Clover naturally assume the role of mother hand-in-hand with Robert. They are a good couple - solid and faithful through whatever storms they face. Lucky is the birth mother who will merge her life with theirs, as they will both immensely bless each others' lives.

A battle of emotions

Weeks and weeks have passed and there is so much that has gone undocumented in the last few months -

time spent with a friend since birth (the photo below is from our childhood),

our birthday weekend getaway,

our second pioneer trek,

and a family reunion.

Just to name a few. The problem is that I've felt too exhausted lately to even make any attempt to write much - not that writing itself is exhausting, but confronting complex emotion is. And, now that we've entered July, the dreaded month, I fear only to be even more overwhelmed by this battle of emotions.

And, a battle it is.

There are the painful feelings of dreams snatched away, the jealous feelings of watching the other women at church as they playfully tend their cooing babies (and then the incredible guilt that follows the jealousy), the fears that (for some reason unknown to me now) I may not have the blessing of motherhood in this life, and mostly the incredible aching to have my little girls here still. I wanted them so bad. I waited so long for them, I was so sure they would make it.

The battle then comes from remembering that they did make it. They made it here and then they made it quickly back Home. Their brief appearance is enough of a reassurance that they are ours and will be ours forever. While there is still a battle that rages in my heart, I'm learning to be at home with such contrasting feelings, recognizing that great sorrow is evidence of great love. We have been blessed with an ever-present feeling of love and comfort that has seemed to come straight from heaven. We find peace in the sacred experiences we've had that we couldn't have known through any other way.

It was a year ago this week that we first found out that our girls had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I can still feel the panic in the days that followed their initial diagnosis. In the midst of that panic I received priesthood blessings full of promises, things that I didn't understand fully at the time, things that have since brought me great comfort.

It's that comfort that has helped us get from one July to the next. Our fourth of July last year was pretty dismal, making this year not quite as bad. As the sun set and the evening breeze floated down off the hills, Marc and I decided to hop on our bikes and ride to the cemetery. While we were there we quietly discussed some ideas we've had for how to appropriately remember Elliana and Emmaline on their birth day. We want to do what feels right for us, and that is hard to figure out when there are feelings that still feel so fragile and experiences that we hold so sacred. But, I think we made some headway while cruising the empty streets back home. 

It was when we were just a couple of blocks from home that we passed a beautiful, old church made of brick. As I was admiring its construction, I noticed their "Welcome" sign that changes weekly. This week it said, "Celebrate the gift of the Holy Ghost." While I don't frequent this particular church, I appreciated the reminder and recognized in my heart the reason to celebrate such a gift. It is this gift that has been our constant companion through the ups and downs of the last year.

As we face the battle of emotions that will no doubt continue to surface in the coming weeks, I know I can trust in our past experiences in facing hard hurdles that we won't be alone. We haven't ever been abandoned and I know we won't be now. Among the angels that will comfort us, we now have two with a vested interest in helping us get to the other side.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

- Psalms 91:11

Family Therapy

There isn't anything that helps me find healing faster than being with family. The last couple of weeks have provided many experiences with family, and friends who are like family, that have helped me get through this month. I had a chance to see two brothers and two sisters (plus their families) for a few days, as well as my awesome friend Christy and her family. I also got to spent an entire afternoon with this amazing friend learning all about making Christmas treats. I have added some awesome recipes to my favorites that I'm looking forward to making again next year. Thanks, Rachel! This month has been filled with some good memories that have helped to make the season more merry and bright.  I haven't been toting my camera around, so I only have a couple of photos.

We stopped by the Christmas Box Angel statue.




Mandi and Audrey:


Audrey with her favorite Auntie Meg (seeing as she has only one of those):

Heidi's visit

(Heidi came from November 28th-Decemeber 2nd... sorry I'm so behind.)

Back in May of this year my best friend from childhood, Heidi, called to let me know that she was planning a trip out to California with her husband. He had some business meetings and she would come spend a few days with me. At the time, as you know, I was expecting the twins. And, her trip out here just happened to be the same week as my official due date (December 2nd). We were both looking forward to having her trip revolve around two newborns.

Well, even though she ended up coming under different circumstances than what we had hoped, I probably needed her more under these particular circumstances. It was a huge blessing to have her here on those particular days. I've never been one to believe in coincidence. I like to think that there was more going on behind the scenes for Heidi's visit to come on those precise days. Her presence, her love, and her friendship comforted me through some of my hardest days.

Heidi, thanks for coming. Thanks for our visit to the cemetery. I will always remember that brisk morning... and the things we shared in those moments together. Thanks for the poinsettia. It has been the perfect addition to the girls' gravesite.  

Weekend Surprise

Saturday morning we woke up early and made our morning bike ride to the cemetery. I enjoy that bike ride so much for so many different reasons. Just love it. And, I love it when Marc is able to come with me... it's much nicer when it's shared.

We came home and while Marc took I shower I started cleaning like a mad woman. You would have thought we were expecting company. I just really love getting everything cleaned and organized for a peaceful Sunday (little did I know of the company about to arrive). I finally jumped in the shower by 10:30am, I think. Just as I was getting out, Marc told me we had some friends stop by and were outside, waiting to talk to me.

Anyway, so I threw on some clothes and as I opened the door all I saw was Marc talking to some guy. As I looked closer, I realized it was my oldest (or is it nicer to say biggest?) brother Jamie, who lives in Idaho! He had just called like an hour earlier and asked to talk to Marc about a technical question. Having a computer genius for a husband, this is a common occurance... but apparently the "technical question" was simply to find out if we were going to be around for the day.

Jamie drove down from Idaho with his childhood best friend - Kenny - who is probably his adulthood best friend, too. They were in town to pick up some of Kenny's things in storage, since he and his family recently have moved down the street from Jamie and Janet, in Idaho. Oh the fun they're going to have being inseparable again!

(Kenny, where are your shorts?! I hope this photo isn't too embarrassing!)

I really don't have many memories of Jamie growing up, seeing as he left the house when I was 6 years old. I'm so grateful that as we've gotten older we've been able to create such a strong friendship with each other.

And, grateful for others who captured these kinds of photos of Jamie, that I wasn't able to witness firsthand:

(Jamie, do you have any explanation for this picture? Please tell me it was halloween or something.)

And, now that I may be in very big trouble for these two photos, here are some that should redeem Jamie as an awesome big brother, who always goes the extra mile. This first one was when we were together for a family reunion during the Summer of 2001. Everyone had already left for church and I was sure to be late... so Jamie brushed my teeth for me while I did my hair. Seriously, who can say their brother has done something like that?

And, it gets better. Today, Jamie decided to head home an hour early from church, so that he could get started on making the mashed potatoes to go with the pot roast that I had in the crockpot. Well, I was completely shocked at the scene I came home to. Not only were the potatoes already mashed and ready to go, there was a salad on the table, a pan of bread loaves rising, a tray of dinner rolls rising, butternut squash baking in the oven, and he was in the process of making the gravy. Seriously? YES! I was so surprised, I grabbed the camera to capture the moment. Proof:

(Even with a smile on his face!)

I can't even describe how wonderful it was to be surprised with Jamie's visit. It has been almost four months since he was here last - for the twins' memorial. As soon as I saw him, there was a joy and comfort that immediately filled my heart. I guess during trying times you start to recognize how precious your family is, how wonderful it is to have people in your life who accept you one hundred percept, who love you and desire to protect you.

I have been blessed with the best family. I really have. I also happen to have married into an equally best family. On top of that I've been blessed with friends who fit more into the family category than the friend category, which is a rare and special blessing. And, while I'm at it, I have to add a huge thank you to our blogging friends, known and unknown. Thank you for your continuous love and support through the last few months, especially. Much of the most loving support we've received has come through our blog. We've been so touched by the encouraging and beautiful comments that have been left for us. Please know how much your kindnesses have meant to us and continue to mean to us.

Jamie, thanks so much for your surprise visit! Your big brother hugs were more needed than I had realized. My heart healed a little bit more from your visit. It meant more than you probably realize. I love you. So. Much. Please drive safe tonight. (Janet, thanks for your hugs by proxy - I actually got TWO from you! And, thanks for the goodie box that was hand-delivered! Love it!)

Prayers for Amy

I've been having so many thoughts running through my mind, so many things I need to write out. But, every time I sit down to write the only thing that comes to my mind is my blogging friend Amy. She lost her unborn baby boy on Monday. Hearing her sad news has made my own wounds feel fresh and new again... my heart aches for the loss she is experiencing. 

Please keep her and her family in your prayers. I know that the prayers offered on our behalf have carried us through our darkest moments... and I know they will carry Amy and her family.

"I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee."

- 2 Kings 20:5

"Triumph is born out of struggle"

In the last few days I've thought a lot about submission to God's will, and I wanted to clarify that getting to the point of submitting to God's will has not been quick or simple. I suppose it comes as a result of a lifetime of experiences, often experiences that were learned the hard way. And, really, we're still learning how it's done and what it means. We have by no means arrived at our desired destination.

About a year ago we had an experience that ended up being a very painful learning experience in not seeking out or accepting God's will for us. Without going into a lot of detail, we had been chosen to adopt a baby girl and we exhausted ourselves in trying to convince God that we deserved this little girl. In the weeks and months leading up to her due date, my prayers consisted mainly of begging and pleading for this baby to make it to our home. I was too afraid to ask if it was right; too afraid to pray to know God's will for us and for that little baby. Well, the adoption ended up not working out. As a result, I fell. And, I fell hard. 

It was a scary place to be. Fortunately we were able to recover, but we learned a lot from that hard experience. Perhaps the most important thing we learned was that it was much more painful to go through a hard experience without seeking to know the will of the Lord, than it was to put the situation into the Lord's hands. I suppose that was one of our first experiences in learning the difference between "faith in Christ" and "faith in a desired outcome." 

Of course, having faith in Christ requires a trust and assurance that He loves us, He knows us, and He will ultimately bless us in ways we never would be able to imagine. There is a sense of freedom that comes from acknowledging that we are unable to see the entire picture of our lives. When we, then, put everything in the Lord's hands, we're able to find relief from the burden of our short-sightedness.

There is a deleted scene from the movie Bruce Almighty that has always struck me in a powerful way. It's unfortunate that they chose to not include it in the actual movie. I have to admit that I don't agree or approve of every aspect of the movie, but I do appreciate its attempt to bring some moral truths to Hollywood. Anyway, the basic plot of the movie is that the main character (Jim Carey) is given the role of "God" for a week. At one point Jim Carey is answering peoples' prayers and basically gets overwhelmed by the task, and just answers with a "yes" to everyone. Later, "God" (played by Morgan Freeman) shows Jim Carey some of the consequences of those "yes" answers.

They take a look at Filbert Davis in gym class, being bullied by other boys because he can't climb the rope. He prays, "Oh God, please help me." His prayer is answered and he miraculously climbs to the top very quickly.

As a result of Filbert's prayer being answered the way he thought he wanted it answered, and with his sudden increase in confidence, the next scene shows Filbert being the bully, beating up another boy on the playground. And, at this point Morgan Freeman explains: 

Since when does anybody have a clue about what they want. Filbert was a brilliant young man; he was going to be a Greek poet. The soul of his work would have been built around his childhood pain. Now he's headed for a career as a professional wrestler, he will eventually test positive for steroids and end up managing a muffin shop.

Then, Morgan Freeman shows how the trials and challenges given to people were intended to bring about other blessings that couldn't come in any other way. After giving Jim Carey a glimpse of the good that would have come to certain people because of their struggles, Morgan Freeman says this:

Triumph is born out of struggle. Faith is the alchemist. If you want to paint pictures like this you have to use some dark colors.

(Definition of alchemy: process of transforming a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value.)

I love that message that faith transforms us into something of great value... and our faith is best tested in the face of extreme challenges. In the last few months I have come to an awareness that God sees the full picture of my life and knows that "using dark colors" will bring about blessings and knowledge that we couldn't have received in any other way. Like with Filbert's childhood pain having a purpose in his life's mission, I know there are things I'm meant to learn through hard experiences.

It has not been an easy couple of months... there is deep pain that has carved itself deep into my heart. But with that pain there has also come an increased awareness of God's love for me personally. I am profoundly grateful for a loving Father who knows me and loves me, and who has been blessing me with daily evidence of His love for me - through gifts in nature, through the loving arms of a friend, through quiet moments on my knees. I do not know for sure what lies ahead in my life... but I trust in God that He will preserve and provide.

(As a side note, I found it interesting to read a post I made about a year ago, that you can read here. It's amazing how much I didn't know then about how this last year would go... but, I'm grateful for the ways I was being prepared and strengthened to handle these current experiences.)

Anxiously Engaged

When I was in seventh grade Language Arts class I sat in front of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, ruddy-face boy. Nathan was his name. We soon became best friends and later went on to attend BYU.

When Marc and I were dating and heading towards marriage, I was a little nervous about how I could continue my friendship with Nathan after getting married, not knowing how our friendship might change. Well, I was thrilled when I introduced Marc to Nathan, only to find that they were already friends from their first year at BYU. Kind of a strange coincidence, but making everything comfortable between all of us.

Anyway, this past year was a good one to Nathan - he found the most incredible girl - Jelaire! They got engaged a couple of weeks ago and since they've been home for Christmas break, we've been able to spend quite a bit of time with them over the last two weeks.


I always hoped Nathan would find someone wonderful, but I never could have imagined he'd find someone as awesome as Jelaire! They are so perfect for each other. Nathan was telling me the other day that as he got to know Jelaire, she exceeded all the things he ever could have hoped to find.


We have had so much fun hanging out with them, going hiking, hot-tubbing, watching movies, and playing games. We are so excited for them and their upcoming marriage - May 3rd.


Congrats, you guys! It only gets better from here! Just keep on smilin'! :)

Baby Shower for Allison

One of my really good friends from my childhood had a baby shower a few days ago that I was able to attend. Allison and I were both in the flute section of our sixth grade band class. It's amazing to me that we've been friends for more than 18 years. I feel blessed to have her friendship that only seems to strengthen over time. It was so fun to spend the day with her, celebrating the upcoming arrival of her baby boy, Rafael. She was glowing and more beautiful than ever. She and her husband, Pedro, will be fantastic parents. I am so excited for them! Here's Allison at about 36 weeks:

Happy Adoption Story

Today I just had to announce the exciting news of our adoption friends Bryce and Brenley. They have just arrived back home with their baby boy, who was born just two days ago. We have loved following their adoption story and thought some of you might be interested in reading more about it on their blog, by going here.

We are so thrilled for them and for this new addition to join their family. We know they will make terrific parents and that their little McCoy will fulfill his great potential under their guidance and love. We are so happy for them and their little Christmas miracle.

We love you guys! Congratulations!!

Trials and Faith

I have a friend who once shared a story with me about one of her friends. So, this is the story of a friend of a friend. We'll call her Ann. Soon after getting married Ann discovered some difficulty getting pregnant, and later was told by her doctor that it would never happen. I don't know the details of why her doctor was led to believe that.

But, Ann had started to pray, telling God that she knew He could work a miracle in her life. She placed her faith in God, that He could make it happen. Well, it did. Her faith and prayers worked. There's no doubt in my mind that she finally got pregnant because her prayers were answered by God. When my friend shared this story with me, I was very touched by it. I would have moments myself in prayer where I would tell God that I knew He could make it happen for me, too, if He wanted it to.

Then, I would have questions like, why would he not want it to happen? Is there some reason I'm not supposed to have this desired blessing? Or do I not have enough faith? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not living worthy of those blessings? How low do I have to go before my faith will be sufficient?

I've since learned that having faith doesn't necessarily mean that everything will work out exactly the way I think it should. I don't want to discount the times when faith produced the miraculous results that were sought, because those really are moments of great faith. But sometimes the greatest faith comes when things continue to go wrong, and the person is able to still find reasons to keep on fighting.

I've felt some deep feelings of empathy for a couple of dear friends in my life who are struggling through some hard things right now. I watch as they continue to fight, to believe, to hope, even when all seems to be lost. Their struggles are different than mine, but I know they feel a lot of the same feelings... wanting to know where the end of their pain is, longing for the day they can find relief from the heavy-heart feeling. They may even be wondering if there ever will be an end to the pain and if it's worth it to keep on going.

I just want them to know that I love them. And that it is worth it to keep on fighting. Whatever price we are asked to pay will always be worth it in the end. The God I know is a God of mercy and great compassion. He knows the struggles of life, He knows the pain and frustration, He hears the quiet pleas in your heart... and He will bless you for the faith you show in those very dark moments.

I'm reminded of a story in the New Testament of a blind man. The disciples asked Jesus, "who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?" And, the response was "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." (See St. John 9:1-3.)

Sometimes we're given trials and challenges not because we've done something wrong, but so that we can be instruments for God to show His goodness. If there were no blind people, then there would be no way for God to show He can give sight. If there were no struggling people, there would be no way for God to show He can bring peace and comfort.

I am inspired by my friends who are currently at their lowest... and yet they keep getting up. They are fighting. They are digging deep for that little bit of faith that is left in them. I know it is hard. But, I know as they dig down they will find faith and strength they didn't even know they had.

When I was going through a low moment, my Dad shared this quote with me:

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"

Keep on going. Keep on trying. You have people pulling for you. Your life and response to your trials strengthens my faith and inspires me to want to keep on fighting.

Our Day in Oakland

As soon as I was done with seminary this morning, we headed down to Oakland to go to the temple. It usually takes between two and two and a half hours to drive down there, depending on traffic. The drive down was gorgeous! There was fog blanketing the entire valley, and that mixed with the colorful foilage was just breathtaking. There were vineyards and trees and entire hillsides in perfect autumn bloom!

By early afternoon, the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue. We couldn't leave without taking some photos. Here's one of my very handsome husband:

Isn't he SO HANDSOME?!!

Before heading back home, we were able to meet up with our good friends, Allison and Pedro, to have lunch at Zachary's. Pizza that's so good it can't be categorized with what is traditionally defined as "pizza." Does that make any sense? Well, just take my word for it... and try it if you ever get the chance.

The entire day was completely wonderful! We ended up spending most of the time in the car, driving to and from... but, we had so much fun talking and laughing! I absolutely loved our day together! It's a blessing that we have flexible schedules to get away in the middle of the week together. It was a terrific day... just what we needed!

Friday Fun

Friday morning started with baking a fresh batch of whole wheat bread.


I am so grateful for Marc's Mom and sister who have shared their whole wheat bread recipe with me - it is so good! Rather than write the recipe out, just go here, if you're interested in making it, too.

I decided to make one loaf into a cinnamon swirl, which just consists of rolling out the section of dough, spreading a little butter, sprinkling a layer of cinnamon sugar, and then rolling it up and putting it into a loaf pan. Yum!


Later that night we had another friend come over for a visit. Emi was in town with her kids for the week, so as soon as she had the kids put to bed at Grandma's, she came over to visit with us. Emi and her family just moved to Arizona a few months ago. We were sad to see them go, but are happy that life is going so well for them in Arizona.

Emi and I first got to know each other when we played on the same soccer team, close to twenty years ago. I came across our team's soccer picture a few months ago, so I'll have to get it out again and post it here. While we have known each other for a long time, it has only been in the last three years that we have gotten to know each other really well. We loved living in the same town as her and Aaron... and have so many great memories of hanging out together with them. It's hard to have friends move away, but having them back in town (if only for a short visit) brings so much joy. We love our friendship with them!

Emi, it was so great to see you! Thanks for coming over to see us!