The souls who surround me

I spent the end of last week at a Girls' Camp for the young women from Church. Along with the camp directors, I helped plan and put together a special faith-promoting activity for the last night. To our surprise, when we arrived at the camp, the couples who are the year-round care-takers had set up a smaller version of the same type of obstacle course we had plans to carry out. They were generous enough to take as many of the leaders through as possible, allowing us to experience the course for ourselves, to put ourselves in the shoes of the girls. It was an incredibly enlightening experience.

We started off being instructed about what we were about to experience - we would be blindfolded, we needed to be quiet while blindfolded, there would be uneven ground, we'd have a rope that would get us from the beginning to the end, there'd be some challenges along the way, but as long as we held onto the rope, we'd make it safely to the end. Once there, we'd need to stay blindfolded and quiet until told otherwise.

They had us put on the blindfolds and almost immediately I felt a hand gently take mine and guided me to the starting point. As we walked there, the woman's soft whisper offered some final reminders and words of encouragement and then she placed my hand on a rope. It was dark and disorienting to be without my eyesight. Relying solely on sound and touch proved to be much more confusing and frustrating than I expected. I came to a couple of dead ends, but really had no idea that's what they were and wasn't sure initially how to respond. Do I turn back and retrace my steps and how far back do I have to go? Is there another rope connecting that I just haven't found? I knew better than to let go of the rope, so I did go back and both times immediately found other connecting routes that finally led me to the end. There, after fumbling around, wondering if I'd reached another dead end, I felt a hand along with a voice that whispered, "Welcome home!"

I was guided to a bench, where I sat waiting for the others in my little group to come through. At one point, the woman who was our guide came back and asked for my blindfold for another person that had come to do the course. Without my blindfold, I couldn't help but look back on the course I'd just struggled through. It was so short and looked so simple and straightforward. There was nothing truly complicated about it. And, I found myself questioning - Why was that so hard? Why was I so worried and confused? Why did I not enjoy the process with a little more trust? I should have enjoyed it more!

And, then as I was reflecting on my response to the experience, I started watching the final person struggling to find the right path, making many of the same mistakes I had made. And that's when I saw something I hadn't had the perspective to see for myself while blindfolded and in the thick of it. That struggling girl was surrounded by helpers. Our guides were at the dead ends, they were standing next to the cliff drop-offs, they were watching our every step, ready to intervene and redirect if we were in danger or distress.

And, that was when I wished I could get the tiniest glimpse of who those unseen souls (or angels) are that surround me through this real-life experience I'm in right now. How have I been protected from danger without even knowing it? Who has quietly assured me through my doubts? When have I received heavenly encouragement that I wasn't even aware of? As I pondered all of this, I felt sure that at least at times, if not continuously, there are two souls who will one day call me mother who are much closer to me now than I can fully comprehend. I've always felt that to some degree, but watching this simulation of life play out before my eyes, it just felt so true and so right.

Last night, as the first wave of grief hit me and I couldn't help but relive the events from seven years ago, I recounted some of this Girls Camp experience to Marc as we waited for sleep to come. I told him that I didn't like feeling sad for my loss because I know it's all okay, but at the same time if Elliana and Emmaline are surrounding me today - on their birthday - then I'd want them to see my tears and to know how much I love and miss them. But, I also want them to know that I'm okay, that I have the firmest hope of one day having the blessing of being their mother through the eternities.

I feel comforted knowing that they are in a safe place.  Just as we surrounded each other to get through this day, I hope that they had their own fellow angels to surround them today, too. Surely their Papa Carson and all sets of their great-grandparents, and their Uncle Robbie, just to name a few. But, surely, for them it isn't as hard or sad, since they have a much clearer perspective of this course of life we're in right now.

If I can only remember what I felt as I looked back on the simulation - recognizing how short the experience really was and wishing I had just enjoyed it more. So, that's exactly what I'm going to try to do today. And for the rest of the todays I have left until I see my girls again and then we can look back together on this life and they can recount for me all the moments they were with me through it all.

As for today, I just feel so grateful to have so much to live for and so much to hope for, being surrounded on both sides with the most precious of souls.

The Sunday Circus

When I was young I used to love Sundays because they were relaxing, and as soon as church was over I could chill out, sleep all day, do whatever I wanted. But, since having kids, Sundays have taken on a completely different meaning. They've gone from being the most relaxing day of the week to quite possibly the most exhausting day of the week.

We usually get up around 7:30am. I get breakfast started while Marc hops in the shower. I get the kids and myself fed and start cleaning up when Marc stops through to grab his plate (or bowl) and eat quick before he has to leave for his 8:30 pre-church meetings. After he's gone, I get the kids' church bags together - a couple of story books, a couple of toys, a notepad & pen, and a quiet book. Then, I get the diaper bag ready - diapers, wipes, water and snacks. Since church right now is right in the middle of when we'd have lunch, I pack up a ton. Today, for example, I had pretzels & cheez-its, grapes, clementines, fruit snacks, animal crackers, applesauce, yogurt raisins, and granola bars. Just in the last month I've had a couple of people approach me after the first meeting, commenting on how much money I must spend on snacks!

Anyway, so once all the bags are ready, I start getting the kids dressed for church. This process is sometimes much harder than other times, but if everyone cooperates then it should only takes maybe 10 minutes. But that is a very big IF. I usually try to plan for it taking roughly a half hour. I really am much more optimistic than that last sentence makes me sound!

Once all the kids are dressed and ready, it's usually about time to feed Lucy. That used to be the time when she'd go down for her morning nap, but she has now transitioned to just one nap a day, but she still insists on getting her morning feeding in. Then, if I'm lucky, it's finally my turn to get ready, while keeping the peace between siblings and making sure they don't get into any major messes with their church clothes. Sometime around 10:30 Marc returns to pick us up and lend an extra hand. We're usually able to make it just in time to get to our seats and get settled in before the meeting starts at 11.

Then, the real fun begins! And, by this point I'm already exhausted! An hour of keeping three kids still, quiet, and happy. Marc is finally sitting with us - the first time ever (since we've had kids) and so it has gotten a little easier. But, it's still a lot of work. Somehow I'm usually able to get something out of those meetings and feel renewed by them. And, really, with how energetic and boisterous my kids are on a normal day at home, they do really well at church with all the rules we expect them to follow. They know to be quiet, the know not to run out into the aisles, they know how to partake of the sacrament, they know it's a special place where they are expected to act differently. And, for the most part, they do really well.

The exhausting part is there is no mental break to just zone out. There's constantly someone who needs something and you have to be right on top of it before their impatience takes them to the screaming-bloody-murder phase. I guess there is a little break after the first hour, when we take the kids to their different classes. Except that Lucy is two months shy of being able to start Nursery and she's about six months too mature to just sit quietly on my lap during the adult classes. So, she and I do a lot of wandering right now. And I sometimes wonder why we're even there.

And, then there are other times when I watch Ben get up in Primary to give a talk and he does such a good job, or I watch Lucy fold her arms as soon as she hears the word "prayer", or I listen to Hugh pray all on his own in Nursery. Those are the moments when I realize it's all worth the exhaustion of getting them there, keeping them there, and then coming home and all of us crashing. I don't get an entire day to sleep away, but I have plenty of other moments to sleep. And, the precious moments we spend at church are far and away some of the best we have as a family. Plus, I'm pretty sure the majority of people at church appreciate all of the happy sounds from the children... and I'd really hate for them to miss out on that if we weren't there! It must be quite the show - our little traveling circus!

Carpe Diem!

This morning when my Dad and I arrived at our favorite fishing hole, the parking area was blocked with a sign that read, "closed for the season." We had no idea the season was over. We sat there stunned for a good 5 minutes at least, not sure what to do. Do you stay and fish anyway? Do we go back home and be content with the months of fishing trips we've already had? It felt totally anticlimactic - this feeling that I wish I'd known that our last fishing day was actually our last. So that I could have enjoyed it ever more. Is that even possible? I felt deflated and sad that it was over when I was expecting two more months of fishing with my dad.

We decided to drive to this little corner store in the nearest little town and ask about other spots that are open or what the specific regulations are. Luckily they had a book of regulations, so we looked up the fishing spots in our county and found that we technically still have one more week, so we made our way back to that fishing spot and had another enjoyable day fishing together. We came home with four fish, and smiling ear to ear for another memory added to our already rich supply.

But, it made me think about my every day life and what would happen if all of a sudden I came across a sign that said, "This season closed" or worse yet, "Game Over" or "The End."

I really try to enjoy every moment of motherhood. Like, the other day when one of my boys decided that while we were away from home it'd be a good idea to hide in the car long enough to get out a good bowel movement and then come out and tell me he had poopies. In his underwear. As I'm changing him in the middle of a parking lot, I'm trying to get it seared into his head that pooping in underwear is never a good idea. That next time it'd be a much better idea to come tell me he really needs to go potty and then I can take him to a toilet.

Luckily I was prepared with a change of clothes and I had a plastic bag to throw everything nasty away, underwear included. But, believe it or not, right in the middle of that little not-so-fun scenario I was totally thinking, "I can't believe this is actually my life! This is hilarious!" It was like something out of a comedy that you'd think would never happen in real life. And, yet it does... stuff like this is constantly happening to me.

Then there was today when I got to scrub out skid marks in a couple of dozen pairs of underwear, which happens, oh, at least once a week. I know that does not sound fun and I guess it probably really isn't. But, again, it's so far from what I ever would have imagined myself doing that I can't help but laugh my way through it. I made the comment to Marc today, "Remind me that I won't be doing this forever." And, his response: "Yeah, totally. By the time they're six they'll be able to scrub out their own underwear." I totally love my life! I seriously do!

I know tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and I know at any given moment, the end of something really great can come before I'm ready for it to end. That is such an awful feeling - to come to the end and wish you could go back and enjoy the ride just a little bit more. I don't want to feel that, especially when it comes to these early years of raising my kids. I know I'm in a very special place with them right now that some day I'll really miss. I'm not sure I'll miss cleaning up poopy underwear, but I'll miss the innocence of the moment and the kisses that always follow and the feeling that I'm able to do something for them that they can't do for themselves. It's an honor to feel so needed and heroic by my little super heroes.

Maybe it's time to paint a large sign to hang in my kitchen that says, "Carpe Diem". That would be fun. I could teach my kids a random phrase in French, while teaching them a good motto for life at the same time. It could hang next to the other sign I want to make that says, "Mangia, mangia"... another random phrase (this time in Italian), but an equally good motto for life! Don't you think?!

Gifts of Life

Yesterday Marc was able to take the second half of the day off work, so we could have a little family time together. We drove down to the Bay, where we first met up with my parents, who were down there for their usual Wednesday at the temple. Then, later we met up with my brother for dinner, who is on a little business trip. It ended up being a pretty long day, but so worth it! It was exactly what I needed and I came away feeling so refreshed and uplifted.

I was reminded of some very important truths, and I wanted to write some of them down so that I won't forget as easily.

1) The world around me is beautiful. Every where I look, there is beauty. I happen to live in a very gorgeous place - a little valley that's surrounded by lush mountains that are extra beautiful this time of year, it isn't far from the beach, and even closer to the most amazing Redwood Grove of its kind. Just a month ago we took some new friends to this particular grove and they were so stunned by its beauty, even paying close attention to the abnormally largeness of the clover leaves, which I hardly even notice now. As we explored the grove with them, I found myself trying to see it with new eyes, as if it were my first time, to feel the same awe and reverence that they were feeling. It made me realize how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place that offers such unique creations to appreciate. And, the most beautiful thing about that idea is that everyone should be able to say the very same thing about wherever they live. That's how beautiful this world is. I want to be more conscious of its beauty and more appreciative of the gift it is. The earth, in all of its beauty, is a gift that is meant to make my life joyful.

2) There is a need to connect and re-connect with those we love. Tomorrow morning, just like nearly every Friday morning for the past 7 months, I get to go fishing with my Dad. My Mom got us both fishing licenses this year and we decided Friday would be our fishing day. We've missed some, but only when one of us has been out of town. Sometimes it's just the two of us, sometimes we take my 3 kids. But, it has gotten to the point that Friday Fishing Day is almost as sacred to me as the Sabbath. Part of that has to do with the time I get to spend with my Dad (and 3 kids) doing something we love, and part of it is the feeling I get that I'm reconnecting to Nature, which to me is completely synonymous with connecting to Deity. I guess in a way it feels to me like the perfect set-up to feel close to both my Fathers. I love the sound of the rushing river we go to, watching the deer frolic in the golden hills on the other side of the river, feeling the warmth of the sun as it comes up through the trees, and just the chance to unplug from the many distractions and plug back into the things that matter most - those eternal relationships, both here and there.

3) I am not perfect and that is perfectly okay. I read somewhere recently - "God has a plan for your mistakes." And, He does! He doesn't expect me to be perfect and never has. He knows my efforts, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows I'm trying to figure it all out. I'm just glad He has it all figured out. I'm realizing there is a lot more I can do to let Him in my life to show me more. I think sometimes I convince myself that part of life is just suffering through blindly until I finally have a stroke of luck and get it right. But, I'm realizing He can open my eyes to new ideas, new beliefs, new habits, new perspectives, that can make the whole process so much easier. I just need to put myself in a place to be ready and listening, expecting the answers to come.

Yesterday was a much needed reminder that this life is a gift. The earth is a gift. The relationships I enjoy are gifts. The plan that God has for my life is a gift. And it is all there for me to enjoy, to find happiness. True, life has its struggles, but life is so much more than just trudging through the hard moments. The views, the people, the experiences are meant to bring me joy. That is the purpose of life - to find joy. It's there, even when the mountain is steep and the way is unknown. And, oh, how I needed that reminder!

Family Bonds

My parents have been out of town since last Wednesday. Every night when it's Hugh's turn to say the night time prayer, he always expresses gratitude that Bapa and GG could come over. Well, every night that they were gone Hugh would start to say it and then pause, look up and say, "but, Bapa and GG didn't come over today..." which even resulted one night in a quivering chin and tears. That night he asked me to finish the prayer for him. So, last night as we were getting ready for bed I said, "guess who's coming home tomorrow?!" Both boys in unison, "Bapa and GG?!" I told them they were right and Hugh screamed, "Oh, thank you Mom!!" It was the kind of response you'd expect if we had told him we were going to Disneyland or something. It says a lot about Hugh's personality, too... I love his unashamed joy for the simplest pleasures in life! And, there are few things that make me happier than having my kids think their grandparents are as great (or greater!) than Disneyland!

And, when they pulled up in front of our house this afternoon, it was a mad scramble to the door by all three kids. Ben mowed down Lucy making her fall flat on her back in the kitchen, just because he was so focused on getting to the door as fast as possible. Hugs and kisses and arms reaching to be held and loved. And, my heart, oh my heart, melted a million times over to watch it all.

I have very few and limited memories of two of my grandparents, who passed when I was very young. There was a time when I wondered and worried about whether I'd have kids and then if I'd have them in time for my parents to still be around to be a part of their lives. It was a desire, stronger than most, to make sure my kids would have as much time and experiences as possible getting to know all of their grandparents.

So, whenever there are moments like what we had today and what we had the other night in prayer, I count them among my favorite blessings. There is something so powerful about the bonds and relationships between family and it brings me so much joy to watch them in the forming.

June Happenings

I keep getting so far behind in posting what's going on in our lives and even more what's going on within the figurative walls of my head and heart, that lately I've felt too overwhelmed to even know where to start. But, I've found that the less I release all these thoughts to fly away in the form of words, the more I feel like I've become a caged bird myself, flapping away and not getting anywhere at all. It's a frustrating place to be and I know myself well enough to know my greatest form of release is writing.

The summer has flown by and we've been so busy making lots of fun memories and accomplishing some important goals and milestones, so let's start there.

The Memories and Milestones of our summer include: a road trip to Utah (where I drove for 11 of the 14 hours since Marc had an injured eye), family reunion in the mountains of Heber City which provided the perfect amount of dirt for two boys and their cars, plus lots of time with Nana,

a visit with my childhood best friend Heidi and her girls and mom,

a half marathon down American Fork canyon with my brother Matt and sister Mandi, which we finished in 2:02:19 (or at least that was my time - my siblings just slightly ahead of me - don't tell them I let them beat me... haha!).

After returning home from our vacation I felt a renewed optimism and determination to conquer the potty training mountain and I will proudly claim victory, even though we're not quite there, since going #2 is still a struggle. But since it doesn't happen as often as going #1, I'd say we're like 75% there! Hooray! I'll take it!

Six weeks - where did they go?

I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted. Most of February was filled with fun activities - the first warm days of early Spring that got us outside for picnics, hikes, bike rides and running.

Lucy LOVED her first time on the swings!

Picnic at the lake and feeding the ducks.

It's so nice to live in an area that gets warm enough in February to take our lunch out back for a picnic just because it feels wrong to not be outside enjoying the warm sunshine.

Painting day!

The Ding Dong cake I made for Marc for Valentine's Day was so delicious!! (I altered the recipe a little just because I have a hard time following recipes.)

Then February went out with a bang. We all got a terrible case of the flu, all except Ben. It started with Hugh, then went to Marc and Lucy, then me, then back to Lucy. It was AWFUL. From start to finish, it lasted a little over a week, but then it seemed to take another week to recover from the sleep deprivation and the endless loads of laundry.

In the middle of all of the sickness, Lucy was teething, poor baby! But, I have to say I've never seen a happier sick baby. She'd throw up and then be giggling and want to play. She is such a sweetie.

For a couple of weeks I just felt so exhausted ALL THE TIME. I'm finally feeling semi-human again and that appears to be necessary for me to update my blog. But, I have to admit that the down time we were sort of forced to have was actually kind of nice. We had a couple of days where we all stayed in pajamas all day long and played and watched our new favorite movie - The Lorax. Sometimes it's nice to be forced to slow down.

Right in the middle of our bout with the flu I just had to vacuum. I needed to feel productive, I guess. So, here are my kids on one of our PJ days, cheering for me as I vacuum. It was so cute!

In other news, I'm starting the arduous task of potty training both boys. It is not easy!! I have one that is super willing but will sit on the potty chair for hours and barely get a drop out, and the other who can pee on demand but puts up a fight every single time. My assessment of that is that one is physically ready but not emotionally, while the other is emotionally ready but not physically. Or something like that. So, I'm not officially "Potty Training", but just helping them practice and get more comfortable with the idea. Which means I get them to sit on the potty chair at least once a day and I talk about it ALL THE TIME. One of these days I won't have three in diapers... and hopefully SOON!

And, just because this post hasn't already been long enough, and not nearly enough photos to satisfy the average reader, here are just a few more!

And, with that, I think we're all caught up! I would promise to get better and not ever do this again, but I know better than to make such a promise.

New Year, New Home

At the beginning of December we found out that our landlord sold the house we were living in and we were given 60 days to find a new home. It was a little stressful not knowing how it was all going to turn out, not knowing where and how and when we'd find a new home, but deep down Marc and I both felt a calm reassurance that everything would come together perfectly. And, it did... more perfectly than I could have imagined!

We looked at a couple of houses on the market and found a couple we were interested in. At closer look, we didn't like the location or the landscaping at one place. The other house was perfect for us, but we found out the owners weren't wanting to rent to pet owners. So our two cats eliminated us. At first, anyway.

When I felt like we were stuck without any further options and was starting to panic just a little, I posted on facebook to see if any of my local friends knew of any other homes we hadn't yet found. Turns out that a good friend of mine (since sixth grade) contacted me about her parents renting the home she grew up in... which just happened to be the very same home we had already inquired about and thought would be perfect for us. When I first called about it, I had no idea that her parents were still connected to it, since I knew they lived on the other side of town. So, after talking with my friend's dad on the phone and explaining our pet situation, they decided to make an exception on their no-pet-policy, just for us!

Unfortunately for them, their house had been left in pretty bad shape from the previous renters, so fortunately for us we moved into a home with brand new everything, a big kitchen, four bedrooms and a separate office space in the very spacious backyard for Marc. It is such a lovely home in a nice, quiet neighborhood.

(Ben playing in our backyard, in front of Daddy's office)

The day we moved in - New Year's Eve - our next door neighbors (who we hadn't even officially met yet) came over with a large pizza, plates, napkins, a plate of cookies, and a dispenser of soap. I'm not sure you can get a nicer, warmer welcome than that!

After a long day of moving in, and after getting the kids settled in bed, I spent a couple of hours cleaning at our old place (with the help of my dad - thank goodness!). It wasn't exactly the way I wanted to spend New Year's Eve, but I did manage to make it back home shortly after ten. Marc and I kicked our feet up and opened up a bottle of Martinelli's, taking turns drinking directly from the bottle. Not having glasses unpacked made the moment that much more memorable.

That first night in our new home, hearing the fireworks going off in the distance as I laid in bed, I couldn't help but feel like celebrating the chance to be in a new home at the beginning of a new year. Right away there was a comforting feeling that enveloped me about our new surroundings, which was quite the opposite feeling I'd had in our last home. There, I spent the first two months feeling regretful about our choice and had an unsettled feeling about our situation.

Here, it has felt like home from the first moment. If walls could talk, I love imagining the happy experiences the walls of this home would reveal from the years my good friend spent here with her happy family. And, I love adding our own happy memories to the good feeling that already exists. I get the feeling it's going to be a happy year ahead. And, I'm so grateful for how perfectly everything worked together for us.

Thanksgiving in Seattle

What a busy time! So much has happened, is happening, and will be happening... where do I even begin?! I really dislike doing recaps, but I dislike even more not making note of special events and experiences that I know I'll forget if I don't write them down.

So, here it goes...

We made the long drive up to Washington to visit Marc's family for Thanksgiving. The kids did great in the car! We've figured out the trick is having lots of variety of snacks (including their very favorites like red licorice and animal crackers), a few new toys (this time it was magna-doodles, and some new hot wheels), as well as a selection of DVDs (on this trip we watched Finding Nemo and Cars).

Pulled out of our driveway at 5:21am. Three hours later we stopped at a McDonalds in Shasta Lake for breakfast - nice, clean, quiet, easy on/off freeway, definitely will stop here again. Next stop was a Quizno's in Grants Pass for lunch, then a walk around Fred Meyer for Marc and the boys while I fed Lucy in the car. Next stop was a McDonalds in Salem (I think) for a quick ice cream cone for the boys, while I fed Lucy in the car. It was raining so hard and I was really distracted by all the people lining up around the Red Box. In the rain. Final stop was Vancouver for a few days' visit with Marc's sister and family.

Highlights - Chaplan (their bird) loved the top of Ben's head. The boys were in candy heaven, eating nearly the entire supply of Swedish fish within their reach. We watched the Avengers with the whole family (while our three little ones slept). Lounged and chatted, laughed, and got all caught up with the goings on in each others' lives. It felt just like heaven, as it always does.

Then, we made our way up the rest of the way to Seattle (or more accurately, Auburn) on the day before Thanksgiving, which was a huge mistake. What should have been a two-hour drive ended up being more than four. Terrible traffic, making for some interesting and creative ways to feed Lucy while keeping her buckled up. Not easy and definitely not fun, but sometimes you just do what you have to do.

Some favorite moments from the few days with the rest of Marc's family - spending time with Nana - the boys love all of her tanks and planes that they get to play with when we visit and we all love the extra attention and help. My brother-in-law's amazing guacamole (I ate so much - I couldn't resist!). The rest of the food was delicious, too! Getting to meet baby Henry and seeing Lucy and him interact. Ben wanting to play outside, no matter how cold or how dark or how rainy it got, and watching Hugh struggle between wanting to keep up with Ben and just wanting to be dry and warm inside. Leaving Lucy to take a nap with Daddy while I went on a long walk with the boys around Nana's neighborhood. Eating lasagna one night and then watching "Romantics Anonymous" (a cute French movie) with Marc's brother and his wife. So fun! The best part is watching our kids connect and make memories with their extended family!

The trip back home went just as smoothly, though a little slower with a few more stops and took a little longer. We stopped for lunch and final good-byes in Vancouver (and to pick up a stray pair of Ben's pants), got lost in Eugene trying to find a park for the boys and ended up stopping at a rest stop, and visited a friend from home that just recently moved to Grants Pass, before we finally made our way to Redding for the night. We ate some terrible microwave food for dinner (since it was Sunday and we were trying to keep the fifth commandment as much as possible... or is it the fourth? Sabbath day holy? Anyone?) and then Ben slept with Daddy, while Hugh and I shared a bed, and Lucy slept in the pack 'n play.

It was awesome to see the looks on the boys' faces when we went down for breakfast the next morning. All that food and all within reach! Ben went straight for a slice of bread, while Hugh went for the blueberry muffin. I tried to help an older lady get her waffle off the waffle iron, and after touching it for a quick second with the tip of my finger realized I probably really over-stepped the boundaries. Oops!

That final leg took us three hours and we were so happy to be home! I even got everything unpacked and organized before the end of the day. Fun times and fun memories!

I'll come back and add in photos later... hopefully tomorrow.

Thoughts from my evening walk

In the evenings, after dinner is finished and toys are picked up, and while Marc takes over the bath and bedtime routine for the boys, I put Lucy in her Sleepy Wrap and we head out for a leisurely stroll. It might just be my favorite part of the day.

Since my surgery (two weeks ago), I haven't been able to take her out in the wrap, but we've still gone on shorter walks with her just in my arms. Tonight, though, I was feeling like my incisions are doing well enough that we were safe to pick up our evening routine again.

Sometimes I'll take my phone and call one of my sisters or a friend, since it's often one of the only quiet moments in my day when I'm able to carry on a decent conversation with little interruption. But, sometimes, like tonight, I crave the quiet. Time to think through things that are on my mind or weighing on my heart, time to laugh at funny things the boys did that day, time to reflect on where I'm at in my life, time to count my blessings, time to ponder and even pray.

As I start down our hill, I'm always struck by the way the late evening sun hits the East hills in our little valley - I'm sure the descriptive lyrics "purple mountains majesty" were inspired by views exactly like what I see every evening. It's breathtaking.

On some evenings Lucy is fussy and I focus all my attention on comforting her. But, tonight she fell fast asleep before we even left home. Right away I was alone with my thoughts and right away I felt how heavy they were, though it wasn't immediately clear what or why there was so much weight to them.

As I started sorting through my thoughts the only thing that became immediately clear was that it was very unclear what was causing such a heavy burden. There are the personal things - surgery recovery, sickness going through our family right now, friends experiencing struggles, medical bills to pay. Then, there are the global things - suffering, war, unrest in far corners of the earth.

While I was still making peace with my thoughts I noticed a young kid up ahead of me. Thirteen, maybe 14 years old. He sat down on some steps and started fiddling with something in his lap, looking back and forth from side to side, seeming just slightly paranoid. Then he lit his little joint and fiddled with it a little more before he looked up ahead and made eye contact with me. He quickly tried to hide it and then pulled out his phone, his attempt to cover it up, clearly hoping I hadn't seen what he was up to.

As I got closer, he looked up again at me. Big blue eyes. So young, so innocent. So fragile. I wanted to sit down and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to fill him with love and a feeling of self-worth so strong that he wouldn't have any desire to turn to destructive and dangerous things like that. I wondered about his home, his family. Where were they? Did they have any idea? Does he even have a place he can call "home"? All these questions flooded through my head in about five seconds.

As I slowly walked up the steps that he was sitting on, and the smell confirmed my assumptions, all I could think to say was, "you should really stay away from that stuff." Totally lame, I know... I hope what he really heard from my tone, though, was "you're better than this, you're worth so much more than this, you're loved and valued." I really hope he felt something in his heart.

As I finished my walk home, all of a sudden everything else on my mind seemed so small and insignificant. I hugged my little bundled baby girl and kissed the top of her head. I thought of my two young boys laying down for the night. I wondered about what things my children will face in the future. I wondered if they'd turn to other people or things that would hurt them. I wondered if I'm wrapping my arms around them enough right now to secure in them a feeling of acceptance and unconditional love.

Nothing else, whether here or abroad, matters more to me than that right now - doing everything I can to create a loving home where my children feel safe and loved. If my heart could hurt so much for this young kid that I don't even know, I'm not sure I could handle feeling the pain I'd feel for one of my own. The world is a tricky and scary place sometimes, but even with all of its tricks and traps, I feel so grateful and confident that I have heaven's help available to help get us all through it.

A new calling

A few weeks ago there was an important moment for my dad, which brought all of my siblings (except one) out for a quick weekend visit. It was so fun to be in on the surprise for my parents, who were not expecting the large gathering since we had just had our family reunion a couple of weekends before.

Half of my siblings arrived in the middle of the night and crashed at my house as soon as they arrived into town. We live just a couple of blocks from my parents and the halfway point is a big grassy field that you have to walk through to get to each others' houses. Early that Saturday morning, I called my parents to invite them over for a pancake breakfast, telling them that Ben and Hugh were asking for them as soon as they woke up.

What they found as they approached that grassy field was a handful of their grown children playing ball in the same grassy field where we played ball as young children. I wish I had thought to bring my camera to capture the looks on their faces. Precious and absolutely priceless.

The next day - Sunday - my dad was given a new calling (or assignment) for our Church, which was the important moment that caused us all to gather. He was called as the Patriarch for our area. For those of you who aren't of my faith, if you're interested in knowing more about patriarchs, you can read about it here. His primary responsibility will be to give patriarchal blessings, which you can read about here.

I've always felt very blessed for the family I belong to, particularly for the blessing of two wonderful parents. For those of you who know my father, I'm sure you'd agree that this new calling is the perfect fit for the kind of man that he is. I've also been given the unique opportunity to help him with secretarial type duties that will surely bring with it some incredible spiritual experiences to my own life. Good things to come, for sure.

Photo Update

So, it turns out I haven't taken a single photo since coming back from our trip. It's officially added to my unofficial list of things to do tomorrow. But, so is grocery shopping. And, right now I'm doing pretty good if I can accomplish one item per day... and food might just trump a photo shoot. Time is going so fast with my crazy days having three under three.

But, I went through our photos from the last couple of weeks and found some that I thought were worth sharing.

These first five photos of Lucy were taken when she was three weeks old. She got the cutest leg warmers in the mail from one of my dear friends and I had to let Lucy try them on!

As you can see, she is clearly not starving! I'm still a little shocked she's grown so much in her first month! Ben and Hugh better watch out...

Swaddled, three weeks.

I think I've mentioned how much Ben loves holding Lucy, also insisting on having the burp cloth on his shoulder. (Have I mentioned that Ben says "shoulder" in the cutest way? He says something like "sheizures" and it's so stinkin' cute!)

When we were in Utah, I got to meet up with one of my companions from my mission. It had been probably eight years or so since I'd seen her last and it was so much fun! She would hate for me to boast on her behalf, but I think it's pretty amazing to have a friend in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir! I actually have some pretty funny stories of her trying to teach me to sing alto during our companionship study time in the four months we were together... turns out she's an awesome teacher and I'm a terrible student... or at least singer! Fun times, though! Camille, if you're reading this, let's not let another eight years pass before our next visit! TVB!! Ma, tantissimo!

Some more photos from our sailboat adventure at our family reunion. Notice me trying to keep Ben from falling (aka: jumping) into the water. That was how I spent the entire boat ride. I was exhausted by the time we reached land.

Here Ben is laying on the dock, trying to get as humanly close as possible to the HUGE carp swarming around in the water below. If he wasn't sticking his finger down to get bitten off, he was trying to lean in close enough to get a kiss. Not joking. I keep wondering when (or IF?) this boy of mine is going to understand boundaries that are meant to keep him safe. No fear of anything!

I can't remember if I already posted this one, but it's one of my favorites right now. So cute!

As is this one!

Playing with trucks in my sister's yard:

Oh, and if you'll notice Hugh's t-shirt - those were our family reunion shirts for this year. Marc designed them and I made them (ordered the shirts and ironed on the decals). Pretty fancy, eh?!