Unexpected Mercy

This afternoon Marc came with me to take another quick peek at our growing little Baby Girl. There's a comfort to having him by my side for big moments like this and I feel extra grateful that he takes the time in his busy day to show he thinks it's important, too.

It was a month ago, at my normal pre-natal appointment, that I was told we needed to get a second ultrasound done between 26 and 28 weeks. Initially the midwife told me that the ventricle outflow in the brain wasn't "well-demonstrated." Well, as soon as I got home I hopped onto the internet, which took me on one quick and scary ride through the land of Worst-case Scenarios. After having a mini breakdown at the thought of something going terribly wrong, and possibly losing this little girl, MY Baby Girl, I summoned the courage to call the midwife and get more information. I wanted details, I wanted to know the exact words from the report of the initial ultrasound, I wanted answers to questions I had been too stunned to ask during the appointment.

Once I finally got a hold of the midwife, she read the report in my chart word for word to me over the phone. There was one point where I heard something about "ventricular outflow of the heart." The midwife kept going and I had to stop her to clarify. I reminded her that at my appointment she'd said it was the outflow of the brain. She read it again and then apologized for the confusion and clarified that it was the outflow of the heart that wasn't clearly visible. For some reason that not-so-tiny detail made me less worried. And, really, in the following weeks I felt this calm reassurance that Baby Girl would be just fine.

And, that was exactly what we learned today. We got a good view of the heart and there was good outflow and a good, strong beating heart. Huge relief. We can resume our previously scheduled non-dramatic pregnancy!

The ultrasound tech was being shadowed by an intern today, so after we got the important things cleared up, we were asked if we were okay with the intern taking a turn driving the little wand across my belly. "Sure. Why not?"

So, we got some additional measurements, just for the heck of it, which revealed our little Baby Girl is not so little. She is consistently measuring two weeks ahead of my estimated due date, with her head measuring slightly ahead of everything else. That moment took me back to Hugh's 28-week ultrasound when we found out about his head measuring ahead of the rest of his body parts. We apparently make large headed babies. And, if Baby Girl's growth continues like it did with Hugh, I guess we can expect another baby tipping the scales near another healthy 9 pounds (hopefully not more than that!).

Seeing into my own womb, watching my baby moving around and feeling the kicks simultaneously, getting a tiny glimpse of this little unexpected miracle, made my own heart feel like it might just burst. I was realizing that every one of my babies has come unexpectedly, in moments when we were least expecting or planning. All unexpected, but all the greatest of surprises and true miracles.

It's no wonder the most striking moment from this past weekend's General Conference for my church, was this quote by Elder Holland:

"Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful - especially to those who don't expect it and especially to those who feel they don't deserve it."

To have been the recipient of God's mercy on more occasions that I dare try to count, makes me want to dig deeper to be better and more deserving of His love and goodness.

Girl, Girl, Boy, ....

* Our January Baby Boy, picture taken Sept. 2nd, at 22 weeks

Since the beginning of September we've had more than a few moments of imagining what our life could look like a year from now with two babies. Since we knew Tracey was having a boy, we just made sure to daydream equally about him paired with a little brother and him paired with a little sister. Both visions would leave me smiling from ear to ear.

For the last few days my dreams and imaginations have turned more specific. On Monday we headed down to the same Perinatologist office we went to last year with the twins. It felt a little strange to be in the same office at the same point in pregnancy when we got our first glimpse of bad news with the twins. I tried not to relive those memories, but I was admittedly relieved when the ultrasound tech. led us to a different room where we could make new memories.

As I was getting myself situated, her first question to us was, "so, is this your first?" 

"Um... let's say yes," was all I could think to say.

She caught on and asked if we had had a miscarriage. I gave her a very brief explanation. She responded with a genuine sympathy that made me immediately love her. As she moved the wand over the gooey mess on my belly, I was stunned by the miracle of life that is growing within me. We were chatting a bit while watching the screen at the same time, when all of a sudden her wand paused to take a picture and I stopped mid-sentence, totally shocked by what I was seeing...

"Is it a boy?!"

I swear her "Yes!" came out as more of a squeal than anything else. 

Oh my gosh, a boy. No, two boys. Brothers. Best friends.

So, yes, the daydreams now include all things boy. Visions of blue mixed with playing ball and never-ending energy and daredevil stunts. And, we couldn't be happier!

The little guy is growing and strong. All of his anatomy is perfect and healthy. Our Level 2 ultrasound even revealed both of his layers of teeth already formed. So amazing. The only downside to getting an ultrasound from a high risk office is that since they look for more, the chances are higher of finding something to be concerned about.

It turns out that the umbilical cord is a 2-vessel cord, rather than the preferred 3-vessel cord. That was when we heard unwelcomed words like echocardiogram, growth restriction, and "we'll be watching you more closely."

My heart sunk a little. I don't want another scary pregnancy. I just want it to be easy. No concerns, no complications. When the Doctor came in to double check everything, fortunately she eased many of the fears that had crept in. She did confirm the 2-vessel cord, but she also confirmed that the kidneys and the heart looked perfectly healthy, showing that the cord problem hasn't affected the baby or his growth and development (yet). She does want to see us again in a couple of months to make sure he is still growing right on track, but no need to be overly worried at this point. Plus, he's already measuring a week ahead of schedule, so that was definitely welcome news.

Our emotions are about to pop. January eleventh is quickly approaching and we are all ready for Baby Boy #1. We can't wait to meet him! I feel so grateful that we'll be able to give him a little brother so quickly. I don't know how or why we've been blessed with such abundance... but we are grateful beyond words for the mercy and kindness of a loving and provident Miracle Worker.

* Our May Baby Boy, picture taken Dec. 14th, at 18 weeks

Blessings - Part 2

Ten days.

Ten days ago we couldn't keep the news for ourselves anymore. Even the thought alone of bringing a little boy home just days after Christmas has our hearts wrapped in the most joyful and reverenced feelings. I can only imagine how it will actually feel. After all these years, all the "almosts", to have a baby to bring home with us. And, then to think of the selfless love that will be involved, I think my heart just might burst. 

This little boy, destined for our home, was the initial opening of the windows of heaven. As if that alone wasn't big enough to be enough. We've been filled to overflowing with this unexpected, incredible news. But, for some inexplicable reason, we received an amazing second portion of blessings. The same amount of time you've now had to let the news of our adoption sink in, ten days, is the same amount of time we had before our discovery of "Blessings, part two."

Are you ready for this?

Ten days after we received our first email from Tracey, I woke up for the fourth morning in a row fully expecting the arrival of that dreaded monthly visitor. On that fourth morning when it still hadn't arrived, I finally gave in and took a test, fully expecting to already know its outcome, as it has been approximately 85 times out of 88. (The odds, clearly, not in our favor.)

Instead, the results sent us into shock. I calmly walked from the bathroom into our bedroom with the pregnancy test in hand. Marc was still sleeping, very soundly and peacefully, I might add. I gently nudged him until he stirred a bit and looked at me with his squinted eyes.

In a half-whisper I said, "so, I took a test this morning."

His simple reply, "And?" 

Me: "It's positive."

I said it just like that. Very matter-of-factly. No exclamation. No screaming. No jumping up and down. There weren't even any tears, of joy or of fear. There was, however, a slight hint of a smile trying to form around the corners of my lips. Marc reflected the same cautious hint of joy.

I soon realized there was a thick protective coating of numbness around our hearts. It didn't help that these sequence of events felt very uncomfortably like we were reliving an awful deja-vu from the spring of 2008. If you remember, we had been chosen to adopt a baby boy, which then followed with news that we were pregnant with our twins. Having things sort of fall into the same chain of events, honestly, made me very uncomfortable. The two main thoughts I had during that time when we were tentatively about to add three kids to our family in one year, were - "our blessing, finally, after waiting for so long" and "this is just too good to be true."

I've refrained from thinking either of those things this time around. Instead, I've just tried to enjoy each moment, hoping and praying for the strength to handle whatever the outcome might be (with both anticipated blessings). 

I called my doctor right away. That very day she sent in an order for blood tests, 48-hours apart, to check my hCG levels. The results would offer me some peace of mind for 12 more days, until my first ultrasound. That same peace of mind has been reapplied, almost as if it's melting away that layer of numbness, with every appointment, every ultrasound, every sign that new life is forming within the walls of my broken tabernacle.

Our first two pregnancies were five years apart. I thought maybe I was on the "five-year plan." Well, and actually, after certain complications following the birth of our twins, I was warned of the possibility of never being able to conceive again. Ever. Not that that news was any different than the fall of 2006 when the Reproductive Endocrinologist I was seeing flat out told me, "you'll never conceive naturally."

I've been tempted, now, a second time to call her and tell her that she was wrong. Twice.

Somehow we have conceived a baby.

Naturally.

Unexpectedly.

Miraculously.

I'm far enough along that my nearly inch-deep "innie" is not nearly so deep, though not yet considered an "outie." I've started to feel the early subtle movements of our little babe. The week after next we will find out if Baby Boy will have a little sister or a little brother.

They will be approximately four months apart. Almost like twins. One coming through an angel named Tracey and one coming through my healed womb.

Both miracles.

Both gifts.

Both blessings.

Both dreams that have cost us too many tears to count.

Both worth every ounce of pain and heartache of the last almost seven-and-a-half years of waiting.

If ever there was a time that I've felt first-hand the reality of the Law of Compensation at work, it's now. As beautifully stated by Elder Wirthlin, just before his death,

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

The feelings of gratitude we now feel, as we shed tears of rejoicing, cannot be contained in words.

More good news...

Well, we wanted to share the latest news with you all... Megan was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. We knew it was a possibility, but it still came as quite a surprise. We had an ultrasound this morning, which confirmed that the babies were responding well to the surgery. Dr. Lee even changed his initial feeling of "95%" and said, after seeing the results from the ultrasound, he felt much better about the outcome. The fluid levels looked much better, both babies' bladders were visible, their heartbeats were strong and healthy, and they were both moving around quite a bit. Megan is doing well, too. She is still a little sore from the surgery, but after being hooked up to about 10 different machines and monitored for the last 24 hours, the doctors and nurses were really happy with how stable all her vitals were. 

While we are very grateful for this initial good news, we have been warned that there are still some hurdles to overcome and only time will tell how successful it really was. We will continue to come down to UCSF for follow-up appointments for a few weeks. Our hope is that at those visits the girls will continue to show signs of improvement and health, which will confirm these intial feelings of success. But, we definitely have reason to be happy and hopeful!

We can't thank you all enough for the warm thoughts and prayers that we've felt carrying us through this. We know all those prayers have been heard and answered, and we are more grateful than words can express.

All our love and gratitude,

Marc & Megan, and Elliana & Emmaline

Sucking Thumbs

I'm about a week and a half behind in writing this post, but I had to share what we learned at our last ultrasound.  We were referred by my OBGYN here to have the genetic testing done by another doctor from San Francisco. Fortunately this doctor and her staff travel an hour north once or twice a week for appointments like ours. So, we only had an hour drive to make, rather than a two-plus hour drive.

The appointment went great! The doctor we met with is a perinatologist. She was so thorough and helpful in answering all of our questions and informing us with how things are going. Her ultrasound technician also did an awesome job of capturing some really cute glimpses of our babies sucking their thumbs. So cute! She even took some photos with the 3D ultrasound monitor, which are so amazing!

My favorite part of these appointments is listening to Marc's quiet "oohs" and "awes" as we watch our little babies in their very early stages. I love having him by my side through all of this, enjoying this miracle together. I don't know if there is anything that has brought me more joy so far in my life.

So, here are some photos from our 13-week ultrasound:


This is a profile of Baby A, just about to suck his/her thumb. It also kind of looks like his/her legs are crossed... just chillin' out.



This is a profile of Baby B, rubbing his/her face or eye... so darn cute!



And here they are together. Baby A is on the left, upside down. You can see the legs, feet, and cute little toes really clearly... if you look closely you can see his/her head in the background. Baby B is on the right, it looks like he/she is resting his/her head on his/her hand. Isn't so amazing how perfectly formed they are at such an early stage? Incredible!

(I can't wait until we know what sex they are so we won't have to refer to them as he/she.)

Some things we learned at this appointment:

* Both babies are measuring at about 7.5 centimeters (roughly the size of your pointer finger)

* They are both still measuring right on track with my due date (December 2nd)

* The fluid in each sac is measuring the same, which is good news!

* There is only one placenta ... meaning ...we're having identical twins! (So, I'll have to update the poll, since the "one boy, one girl" option is no longer an option.) Identical twins are more high risk than fraternal twins, but we're going to be monitored every two weeks with an ultrasound by our perinatologist, to make sure both babies are right on track. The longer drive for those appointments is worth the comfort we'll receive, knowing our babies are receiving the best care possible.

This probably goes without saying, but we are still totally in awe of this entire experience. We still look at each other with the expression "this wasn't supposed to be possible." And yet, here we are experiencing the most incredible blessing... one that we never would have expected to come to us. I'm reminded every day that God is truly a God of miracles. 

Two Hearts Beating

(image courtesy of flickr.com)

This past week, on Thursday, we had another doctor's appointment. This time we got to HEAR the babies' heartbeats for the first time. Marc tried to record the sound of it on his PDA, but when we got home we discovered it didn't work. Oh well. At the last two ultrasounds we were able to see their little hearts beating on the ultrasound monitor, but didn't hear them until now. It was really amazing!

As the doctor was identifying the heartbeats for us, I just laid there thinking how unbelievable this entire experience has been. This wasn't supposed to be possible for us. Even after having two months to let the news sink in, I'm still in shock. There really aren't words to describe how awesome it was to hear two rapid heartbeats coming from my body. The forming of life is such a miracle! The coming together of families, however they are made, is such a miracle. God is so merciful in making miracles happen in our lives.

Both heartbeats are strong and healthy. Baby B is always beating a little bit faster than Baby A. This time around Baby A was at 149bpm and Baby B was at 161bpm. They both fall into the normal range of where they should be at this point. One of Marc's all-time favorite movies is Sneakers. I mention that because when we were listening to their heartbeats, it reminded me of that part in the movie when "Whistler," the blind guy, is analyzing the distance between treads on the bridges in the Bay Area. That's kind of what their heartbeats sounded like. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? If you don't, you should rent this movie... it is really good.

We still don't know the sexes yet... but, our doctor joked that usually boys have slower heartbeats than girls, and made her early, semi-joking prediction that we have one of each. Our ultrasound technician has already made her very early prediction, too. Maybe we'll have to put up a little poll to let everyone have their say.

In answer to the question of when we'll find out what we're having: As Soon As We Possibly Can. We are anxious to know and start making preparations for their arrival. Our next ultrasound will be next week - for the prenatal genetic screening. They probably won't be able to tell by then, so I'm guessing we'll probably know at the following ultrasound, in another four weeks or so. By then I'll be at 17 weeks. That should be about the right time to know, right?


And, I just have to express our deep gratitude to all of you for your prayers, your well-wishes, your thoughtful comments... and for celebrating with us. We couldn't have been blessed with better family, friends, or blog readers. Thank you so much!!

A little Q&A

So, there are some questions that we've been asked over and over. We figured this was the best place and time to answer some of those questions. Here are the more commonly asked questions, along with our answers:

1. When are you due?

Our official due date is December 2nd. Since twins are considered full-term at about 36 weeks, chances are the twins will be born in November, sometime.

We are excited that today is the beginning of Week 13!

2. Do twins run in your family?

Yes and No. Let me explain, as I understand it... fraternal twins are genetic and passed down through the maternal line in a family, although with the increased use of fertility drugs there has been a rise in the number of fraternal twins. There are twins in my family - my brother and his wife have fraternal twin boys, because twins run in my sister-in-law's family. As far as I know, there aren't fraternal twins in my mother's line.

Identical twins, on the other hand, are absolutely random.

3. Are your twins fraternal or identical?

Short answer: we don't know for sure, yet.

Long answer: At our last ultrasound they were hoping to determine whether our twins are identical or fraternal. The two things they look for are if there are one or two amniotic sacs and if there are one or two placentas. If there is only one amniotic sac (which is very risky), then you can know for sure that the twins are identical. In most cases fraternal twins have their own placentas, but there are exceptions to that when the two placentas can merge together to make one placenta. And, with identical twins, depending on how soon after conception the one fertilized egg splits apart is what will determine whether or not the identical twins have their own placenta and sac.

We were able to find out that our twins are in two different sacs, which is a REALLY good thing. But they couldn't tell yet if there were one or two placentas. Since there are cases where fraternal twins and identical twins can have their own placentas, I don't know that we'll know for sure until they're born, unless we find out that one is a boy and the other is a girl, then we'll know they're fraternal. But, either way, it would be preferrable for each twin to have their own placenta.

4. What fertility drugs were you taking?

NONE. We did the whole fertility thing in 2006. Hated it. Loved adoption. We were focusing 100% on our adoption plans. Hence, the huge SHOCK when this all happened. The only explanation we've been able to come up with is that this pregnancy is an absolute miracle. Er, more accurately, a DOUBLE miracle. Absolutely.

5. Have you started to "show" yet?

Not so that other people can tell yet, but I can tell. But, based on photos I've seen of other people who are pregnant or have been pregnant with twins, it won't be long before I'm huge, especially with my 5'3" frame. Yikes.

6. How is the morning sickness?

It was really bad for the first month. Throwing up multiple times day AND night. I lost ten pounds and was so concerned it was affecting the health of the babies. My doctor gave me a prescription for an anti-nausea drug called Promethazine. It gave me diarrhea. Sigh. Then, she gave me this "miracle drug" called Zofran. I take two or three a day, and it has helped me get back up to my starting weight. I still have nausea and moments of vomiting, but it's down to about once a week or so, thanks to the Zofran.

And, can I just say this one thing. As miserable as it is to be bending over the toilet, it has brought me so much joy. The fact that the intense sickness is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy, is considered such a huge blessing. I am SO HAPPY to go through a few weeks or months of vomiting, for the blessing of being a part of this miracle. Every day is counted a blessing and a miracle. The further I get, the more excited I feel, and the more I allow myself to think ahead and plan for our future with twins. I never thought I'd be able to experience any of this, and being apart of any aspect of it is amazing.

7. How is Marc feeling about everything?

Well, I think this deserves an answer from Marc, himself:

I'm simultaneously freaked out and really excited. And actually, considering it took about five minutes to write that sentence, I'd say I'm pretty speechless, too. I tend to over-think things like this, so I've sort of put the "ohmygosh ohmygosh" part of my mind on vacation for now. I try to think positive thoughts, and I avoid thinking of phrases like "evil twins" and those big twins on motorbikes you see in the Guinness Book.

By the way, Megan has a really calming attitude about this all. She's been very reassuring about it. In fact, to talk to Megan, you'd think we were about to give birth to the Doublemint twins. Which is nice, because that sort of counter-balances my biker twins imagery.

Any other questions?

Dear Blog Readers,

We have been so overwhelmed reading all the comments left for us over the last few days. Thank you for your kind words and warm thoughts for us!! This pregnancy really has come as a huge surprise... it still hasn't quite sunk in, yet. It was a little scary to come out and make the first announcement, but it has felt so great to celebrate our exciting news with you. Many of you have have followed our journey and have helped this miracle happen with your prayers. So, thank you so much for your constant support and the prayers you have offered on our behalf. We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. Thank you!!