Today I slowed down

But, as I sit here reflecting on the day's highlights, I'm realizing it still wasn't enough.

The day started overcast and very dreary, as it has been for the last week. Time spent outside in this past week has been nearly non-existent, which for two active toddlers is its own form of torture, which also translates into its own form of torture for Mom. Am I right?

Fortune was on my side this afternoon, though, when the clouds cleared and sunlight streamed through our windows, begging us to come out and play. And, that we did as soon as the boys were up from their naps.

As I was getting the boys strapped into the stroller, I noticed a tiny, red ladybug on the siding of our house. I think it was the boys' first time with a ladybug, so I carefully picked her up and let her crawl on my hand, letting the boys watch its delicate movements. Then as I reached toward Ben, he willingly held out his pointed finger to get to know the little ladybug himself. He was so careful and gentle, allowing the ladybug to explore both sides of his hand. Hugh was a little more hesitant, but still curious enough to hold out his hand and have a turn.

Before taking off to the playground, I carefully placed the ladybug on a little flower plant by our front gate and felt so grateful for such a small moment of discovery and wonder that I was able to have with my two boys. So, see, there's my proof I did slow down today.

It was after spending a good glorious hour at the park, sliding down slides and swinging on swings and climbing up slides, that we came home and I went into serious dinner-prep mode. I was so singly focused on that one task that the earnest pleadings from Ben to understand his needs and fulfill his wants went grossly unheard.

I paused a couple of times to peer down at him, hoping it would all of a sudden became very clear what it was that he wanted, but I know I gave up much too easily and was much too hurried in my own task to understand what he was trying to communicate. I offered all of what I thought were the obvious options - crackers, water, Fireman Sam, cottage cheese - but each offer was met with a sharp shake of the head and a clear "eh", which in Ben language means a very emphatic "no!"

I'm mostly ashamed to admit that at one point I briefly lost my patience and responded with "I don't know what you want" in an exasperated tone of voice that even at his young age he felt hurt by and tears immediately welled up in his eyes.

That was enough to snap me out of my robot-like, dinner-prep mode. I knelt down in front of my sweet and sensitive little boy and took his face in my hands and told him I was sorry. I still didn't know what it was that he wanted, but I knew a little lollipop we got from Aunt Caryn would heal his wounds. And, it pretty much did.

A little bit later I was at the kitchen sink, washing my hands and Ben came up to me, with his lollipop stick cleaned off in record time, softly patted my little baby bump with both hands and looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said, "Mama." Right away I asked if he wanted some water and when he smiles and does his sweet little giggle that means "yes!" So, I got him a cup of water and almost didn't pause long enough to recognize the beauty of that little moment. Six months ago I would have begged for him to even say "mama", let alone have him approach me and call me by name with "Mama".

Today was a good reminder for this Mama that many of life's most precious moments are so small and so simple that if I don't slow down to recognize and capture them, they'll pass me by without any idea of what I'm missing out on.

Gardening

While Marc and I were out and about tonight, we stopped by my parents' house for a bit. Every time we drop by, I just have to admire their vegetable garden that is growing so lushly. It's one of my favorite retreats. As we went about running other errands, before I knew it we were at our local home improvement store, perusing the plant section. I thought I had decided I wasn't going to do a garden this year.

Turns out that I can't resist plants. We came home with a beautiful array of colorful flowers to plant in the empty pot on our front porch. I'm already looking forward to the welcome they will offer every time we come home. And, to fill the small, empty garden box in the backyard we found some tomatoes, sweet (irresistable) basil, and lemon cucumber plants. As soon as we returned home, I found my green thumb was anxious to come out. I spent an hour with my hands in the dirt, carefully securing our new plants, excited to have something to look after and nurture for the summer.

After scrubbing the dirt from underneath my fingernails, I started my preparations for my long Wednesday. It's my favorite day of the week that takes me down to the Bay and up to my little piece of heaven on earth. The two hour drive, each way, is so worth what I get in return.

With my hands busy with the peanut butter and strawberry jam (for lunch tomorrow), Marc joined me in the kitchen to get his hands working on dinner. He whipped out a delicious Mexican meal of black beans, mexican rice, corn tortillas, and other various toppings. It was seriously so good. 

As I was eating dinner (made even sweeter by the love with which it was made), thinking about our new garden, a cool breeze came in through the window. The smell of freshly cut grass suddenly joined my thoughts. I was reminded that there are small things that bring me joy. I keep feeling disappointed in not having the one joy we desire - having a child - but, tonight I was grateful to find joy come from some small ones.

A spontaneous whim to buy a few plants was my relief today.

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.

 - John Muir

Beautiful Autumn

An opportunity came up that we couldn't refuse and, knowing that a good vacation would be good for us, Marc and I spent most of last week in New England. Autumntime is our very favorite time of year, and we happened to be in the most beautiful part of the country at the most spectacular time of the year.

Here's an overview of the loop we made through as much of New England as we could possibly squeeze into our trip:

We started in Manchester, NH. From there we went to Portland, Boston, Providence, some small town in Connecticut, then back up to Manchester. It's too bad we didn't make it to Vermont. I guess it gives us a reason to return. 

We did a lot of driving, a lot of walking... but, most important we completely jumped into the present. We didn't think or talk much about what has happened, we didn't worry about what lies ahead of us; for the six days we were away, we lived. We enjoyed each other. We marveled at the beauty of the earth. We reconnected. We found renewal. And, for the first time in three months I felt one hundred percent certain that we were really going to make it through this.

The photos that follow are just a tiny glimpse of the beauty we experienced. It's impossible to capture what we saw, and even more impossible to describe the healing effect this getaway had on us. It was exactly what we needed... I only wish it could have lasted longer or that coming back wouldn't have been so awfully hard. But, I suppose this is all part of the process.

New Hampshire

From the start of our trip, we got off the major freeways and travelled as much as possible on smaller highways and roads. We loved exploring and finding little treasures along the way. New Hampshire was very clean. It was the only place we've ever found an upscale Walmart. Yeah, I know, it would have been picture-worthy.

This is in rural New Hampshire, just north of Manchester:

A cute little church in Canterbury, New Hampshire







We stopped up the road from this place to buy a bag of apples at an orchard. They were the most delicious apples we've eaten - sweet, crisp, and juicy. We're still enjoying them!

This is part of Shaker Village. The landscape in this area was so immaculate.

Lake Winnepesaukee - filming location of "What About Bob?" (This is me practicing my "baby steps"....)



This river is the border between New Hampshire and Maine:

Maine

Our second night we stayed in the coolest hotel in South Portland, called the Wyndham. We were on the seventh floor, and had an amazing view of the mall across the street. Marc just about fainted when he opened the curtains to find that the entire outside wall was all window.

The rooms in this place were very comfortable and clean. The cylindrical pillows even had "Be Well" embroidered on them. I think this was our favorite hotel, by far.

Right outside our hotel, we noticed this box van-turned-truck across the intersection from us. Isn't that awesome?!

This is the Two Rivers Lighthouse in Cape Elizabeth, Maine. We enjoyed the most incredible lobster dinner just next to this lighthouse at The Lobster Shack.

The other view from the Lobster Shack:

For some reason that I can't recall, I have always dreamed of eating a lobster on the coast of Maine. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect than this setting - we were literally on the coast of Maine, eating a lobster that had probably just been caught that day. We were lucky enough to enjoy this lobster meal with the Lawsons, who were instructing me every step of the way how to eat a lobster. If they had told me to chomp down on the outer shell, I seriously would have followed their lead. I LOVED it! This was one of my most favorite moments from this trip, especially since we were able to connect with another couple who has recently experienced their own loss. It's incredible the immediate bond you feel with others who have experienced similar things in life.

Later on that same night, after we got back to our hotel, we decided to go out for ice cream. When the waitress came to get our order, I swear that she said, "Can I put coffee in your water?" We didn't even have any water yet, so I didn't know how to answer her. After repeating herself two more times, I finally understood that she was asking if we wanting coffee, tea or water. I'm sure she was laughing behind our backs at our crazy Western accents, just like we were amused with her thick New England accent. Once our ice cream came, Marc was disgusted to find a half eaten cherry on top of his Strawberry Shortcake Sundae. Weird. So, they made him something new.

Here are some of the cobblestone streets in Old Port - in downtown Portland.

We found a deli for lunch. I ordered a Turkey BLT... only, they forgot to put the bacon on the sandwich. My first thought, though, was that maybe the "B" means something else to people back East. So, I let the waitress know and they had just forgotten to put it on. I was happy to learn that BLT means the same anywhere you go in the States.

We climbed to the top of Bradbury Mountain, to enjoy this awesome view of Maine! Isn't it gorgeous?!







This is just outside of Augusta, Maine. 

Massachusetts

In downtown Boston, our first stop was to snap a shot of the Cheers restaurant... or at least some sign that makes you think you're at the real thing. Who knows.

Then, we started down the Freedom Trail, which weaves you through downtown Boston for about three miles, to see many of the historical sites of the city. 

Here is the supposed burial of Benjamin Franklin:

Some other sites of the city... don't remember what they are, though:





This was the North End of Boston, which is basically a Little Italy! It was cool to wander in and out of little Italian stores, finding all kinds of REAL Italian products... like, PANNA... my favorite!

Statue of Paul Revere:

The Bunker Hill Monument from a distance:



This is me with my jelly-legs after climbing up the 294 steps of the Bunker Hill Monument, and then back down. Can you believe I forgot to take my camera up there with me? I almost went back up a second time, just to get some photos of the view. Almost. My legs probably would have collapsed under me at some point going up or coming back down. 



We were so happy that we were able to make it to the Boston Temple. It had the most gorgeous stained glass in shades of blue. It was beautiful!







We were able to meet up with one of my childhood friends, Christine, and her husband Ross. We enjoyed their company and had some good laughs with them. They are both incredible musicians, and we had hoped to attend one of their gigs while we were in Boston, but that didn't work out this time. If you're interested, you can check out Christine's first solo album here. I was excited to hear that she'll have her next CD out next summer. We were so happy to meet up with her and Ross! It was the perfect way to end our stay in Boston.

Rhode Island

On our last afternoon, we decided to finish off our trip with a quick road trip to see more of the countryside of New England. We found some awesome views that afternoon, stopping along the side of the road, and taking little detours that looked inviting. It was wonderful to do some exploring... and perhaps a little dreaming of living in some of these houses found along the way. I don't think there is much more to say about these photos... Rhode Island was just so beautiful!