Headstone decisions

When Marc and I were first looking at headstones, Marc had decided it would mean a lot to create the design/layout of our girls' headstone. Well, it's taken us three months... mostly because it has been so hard to make any final decisions, knowing it would be, well, so... FINAL. (Unless we want to pay thousands of dollars to change it every month.)

Well, we still don't have the headstone in place... BUT, we almost have the design and wording finished. I never knew it would be so hard to figure out what to put on a headstone. What words do you write? Do you address the loved one to whom the grave belongs or do you address the random stranger who may or may not visit the site? What graphics or pictures do you include? Any other designs? What font? How about a decorative border of some sort? And, did you know you can get different colors of granite? They have red and pink, black and other random colors I didn't care for. We decided on the normal gray granite, since it weathers better than the colored granite.

I've been feeling anxious lately about getting it done... as hard as it is to face all these questions and make these decisions, I just want the gravesite to be complete. I already have the prettiest purple and cream, silk flowers to put in the girls' vase, but I'm waiting for the headstone to be in place before leaving the flowers. Motivation of some sort to get the headstone done, I guess.

There is something really final about the headstone that makes me relieved and sad at the same time. Relieved because it's really the last thing to do (besides taking down the nursery... still haven't done that). But, sad because it makes it feel more real that they're not with us... but, that's obvious I guess. It isn't like I'm expecting them to come back to life or anything. (Not right away, anyway.)

I guess it's just the recognition that our most hoped-for-but-never-would-have-imagined, greatest dreams came true with our miracle twins. We will forever remember the sweet taste we received from those brief moments with Elliana and Emmaline. That sweetness is our driving force, pushing us upward along this path, filling us with hope for the day we meet again. I can already imagine drinking deeply from the well of joy and love that awaits us on the other side.

And, just because, here's a little random fact.... In my quiet moments, I find myself writing letters to my daughters in my thoughts. I've never had my thoughts organized in "letter-form" before. It's kind of a neat experience. I mostly ask them questions... I guess it's my way of anticipating with great hope to one day hear all their answers.

Elli and Emma, do you have any idea how much we love you? I think you do. Do you know you've brought us more joy than we ever could have imagined? We couldn't have been blessed with two more courageous and perfect girls. We can't wait to be with you... we'll make it through this. We promise. Oh, how we love you....

Sweet Surprise

This probably could have been included with our previous post, but I felt like this deserved its own, separate post. When we first looked towards our daughters' grave this morning, we noticed there was something sticking out of their vase:

We pulled it out and this is what we read:

Needless to say, our hearts were so touched by this sweet note. Tears immediately filled my eyes. I used to work with the Young Women at Church and these two, Mahala and Sage, are the most thoughtful teenagers! When they found out I was expecting twins, they wrote me a beautiful card on Mother's Day and brought me over homemade popcicles to help me through the morning sickness. They had already been designated as our babysitters... they were so excited to fulfill that responsibility. We were all excitedly looking forward to the days ahead.

A couple of weeks ago, they asked if they could ride their bikes with us one morning to the cemetery, since neither of them were able to be with us for the Memorial service. I was touched that they would want to come with us. It was nice to share some of our thoughts and testimonies with them that morning. But, I didn't think they'd visit the gravesite again on their own.

We really weren't expecting to find this note today. We assumed we were the only ones visiting our daughters' grave. Their reality is so much more powerful in our hearts and minds, and we don't expect others to feel the same reality of who they are to us. But, just for a brief moment this morning, I was completely overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude for the love that others feel, not only for us, but also for our girls, Elliana and Emmaline. I know they are loved by so many. I can't wait for the day that they'll be showered with that love from those who already love them, even without having the chance to get to know them here.

And, so I guess, more than ever before, we're still excitedly looking forward to the days ahead....

Two months...

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I was having all of these awful bike accident scenarios swarming through my head. You see, I had a little bike accident on Saturday morning coming back from my ride to the cemetery. Marc was teaching a class at the college, so I was on my own that morning and... anyway, it wasn't a big deal. I was definitely watched over and protected from suffering any major, serious injuries. It really could have been A LOT worse!

This morning those same scenarios from last night were still haunting me, and they almost kept me from getting back on my bike this morning. But, I was finally able to convince myself that my fears weren't going to win. Plus, today is the two-month mark of our girls' birth and passing, so I just felt like I especially needed to go today.

And, I was so glad I did.

When we got there, we noticed a newly buried grave closeby where our girls are buried, so after securing our bikes, we walked over to see who was just buried. We have found so much interest in other peoples' graves, wondering who they are, what their stories are, who their families are. The grass that had been cut up and placed back over the top of the burial place was bulging and still so loose you could pick it up.

It reminded me of an email I received from a new friend of mine who has also buried two of her children. About a month ago, she shared some thoughts in an email with me that have stayed with me and really helped me. I hope she won't mind me sharing them here... it's just too beautiful not to share!

After the funeral, the ground around the gravestone is torn open, raw, exposed. The rain comes along and tears it open again. It takes time for a few pieces of grass to begin to grow. It must be dealt with carefully, or it will not grow over and "heal." It is taken care of by the groundskeeper, and straightened and smoothed when we go to visit. And then one day, when we go to the cemetery, we notice something. The ground is grassy all around. It was such a gradual change that we hardly realized that it happened. The gravestone is there to remind us, but the ground is healed, completely healed from the stress of being torn open, and there is no more proof of the raw dirt that was there not so long ago. I think the ground and our hearts have something in common. They are both torn open and raw, but with time, we begin to see the beginnings of healing. And then one day, we laugh and have a good day and realize, our heart has healed.

Today, while looking at the bulging gravesite of this freshly buried grave, and then looking at how much our girls' gravesite has settled, there was such a contrast. And, I realized that, while we haven't completely healed yet, there is some healing that has taken place. The ground is settling, the wounds are healing.

Here is how it looked two days after the funeral:


Two months after the funeral, here's how it looks today:


I know there is still a very long road ahead, but I'm grateful for the healing that has come, for the pains that have been soothed, for the many people who have reached out to us and loved us and cried with us. So much healing has come from the love and support we've felt in abundance over the last couple of months. Our hearts are so deeply touched. Thanks to all of you....