Feeling blessed

This weekend, with my birthday and Mother's Day and spending it with my two little boys and a very squirmy little girl rolling around inside me, has made a lot of tender emotions come floating to the surface.

I've been thinking of my Mom and wishing I could remember the moment I entered the world. And, now expecting the arrival of a new little baby girl and feeling what she may have been feeling 34 years ago. Thinking about my birth and the celebration of Mother's Day back-to-back has made my heart fill to overflowing with love for my mother and all the love and sacrifice that has come with being her daughter.

Then, in a talk my Dad gave in church today on mothers, he briefly mentioned the sorrow and pain that followed the loss of our little twins and the indescribable joy we now feel with the miracles that have since filled our life. Sitting there, even while trying to keep the boys from hitting each other with their trucks, my heart filled with joyful emotion at the truth of that statement.

And, I was reminded of just three Mother's Days ago, the first after our loss, when the pain was so intense still that I begged Marc to escape for the whole weekend. I couldn't bare the thought of showing my tear-stained face to people at church who were there celebrating motherhood and not wanting to hear all the well-intended comments about how I really was a mother, too. In an eternal sense I knew I was, but it was much too overwhelming to have to face anyone who knew what we'd gone through and were still going through.

I'm honestly in awe, like completely-left-without-any-words awe, at how we've gone from that painful weekend away three years ago to being where we are today.

Just the thought of close friends who are still in that painful place I was in not too long ago makes me shudder at the thought of re-visiting those painful places in my heart. I am not without hope that miracles and healing will follow every pain and sorrow that we each experience, and I am anxious to see those dear friends a few years down the road with the same joy we've been so blessed to enjoy.

I will be the first to admit it - I've blessed far beyond what I deserve. Blessed to have joined a family headed by a father and a mother who have loved each other for the last 50 years. Blessed to have been promised the eventual raising of the twin daughters I first loved with a mother's love. Blessed by the selfless sacrifice of a courageous birthmother to receive the gift of our sweet Benjamin. Blessed by the miracle arrival of our feisty Hugh, who was so clearly meant to come so soon after Ben. And, now blessed with another unexpected miracle that just adds to the feeling that I've been blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Clearly the deep valleys of sorrow that were carved in my heart from the tears and disappointments of past experiences, have now been filled with overflowing joy that cannot ever be adequately expressed with words alone. Truly I am blessed. And, I hope I can live a life that constantly reflects the gratitude and awe I feel for these precious blessings.