Marc and Megan Logo

family photo family photo family photo family photo family photo family photo

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The calm before the storm?

In July 2009 when we marked the first year of losing the twins, I was a complete wreck. I was sad and scared and still so heartbroken and lost. We went camping. I needed some distraction. I needed alone time with Marc without the normal day to day distractions. It was nice and beautiful and relaxing and peaceful... until we returned home to find that the burden of grief was as heavy as ever hovering over our existence, waiting for our return.

Then, last July I had two cute boys that I thought would keep the sadness away. So, I just avoided thinking about anything related to the twins. Just for the record, avoidance didn't work. In some ways I think the sadness and grief came with even greater force when they did come.

So, this year I've been waiting and welcoming. And, I've been a little surprised to find that in some ways I feel like Grief has become my friend. I'm not afraid anymore - I've already overcome and survived the very worst it can do. And, I don't feel the need to avoid any of the related feelings - those feelings of sadness and loss actually make me feel even more alive. You can't have a heart that feels pain so intensely that it physically hurts and not be aware of how real that vital organ is.

Plus, now I'm much more aware of healthy outlets that work for me and bring me peace amid the storms. My morning running schedule has been a huge source of therapy. The cheapest therapy I've ever had. I signed myself up for a 10K on Saturday morning - six point two miles I'll run in memory of my girls. I'm looking forward to doing this with them in mind.

Another healthy outlet - a little creative therapy. I've been working on a painting. It's a painting I've wanted to do and have had the idea of it floating around in my head for some time. Monday night I finally threw all of my excuses out the window - no time, no space, not enough artistic talent, etc... - and set up my easel and canvas and just started painting. I've spent roughly three hours working on it and I think I'm actually done with it. And, I really love it. There is something about it that has really brought its own measure of healing to my heart and a new connection to the twins.

And, rather than avoiding the anniversary and the memories associated with it, we're planning out meaningful activities, with the emphasis being on spending time together as a family. And, the feelings of sadness feel much more manageable this time around. I know that could swiftly change, as the ugly side of Grief can be so merciless, but I hope being aware of that possibility will help me get through whatever is yet to come.

But, so far, I feel an incredible feeling of calm. And, even if it is just the calm before the storm, I'm still grateful for these moments of peace and the powerful reminder that comes with that peace of the reality of the eternal nature of the soul, and in my case the eternal nature of two souls that really matter to me.


Kaija said...

This is beautiful, Megan. Thank you for sharing the us and downs of your journey. I can feel this moment of peace through your words. What a gift.

Mandi said...

What an amazing gift it is to discover the outlets that work for you! I love you, Sister!

Becky Rose said...

do you know of this blog? She's dealing with the same loss and is asking questions. I don't know if it will help or hurt, but here it is.

*Stephanie Lance* said...

Hi! My name is Stephanie and my friend shared a link to your blog with me! Just last Oct. we lost our twin girls from twin to twin! I went through the Laser therapy as well. They took out some fluid and they also stitched up my cervix, as I was dilated to a 3 at 21 weeks! It was completely terrifying! I was so scared of losing our sweet baby girls! As I read through your blog I find myself feeling like I was reading our own story! I felt the exact same way! After the surgery, everyone felt so good about the surgery and walking out of the hospital with nothing but those memory boxes just killed me! I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Anyway, it helps to read your blog and your feelings of missing them and still caring so much for them! Sometimes I don't really know how to deal with it. I struggle with the fact that they are still mine and a part of our family! It's a very hard thing to deal with! I just wanted you to know that we went through the same thing and are struggling with the same things! It helps to know that we're not the only ones, sometimes! Thanks for you story!

Inkling said...

Today you were on my heart a lot and I whispered a quiet prayer each time your story and picture came to mind. I hope today was a day of peace and a bit more healing, and that you felt loved by your Heavenly Father as well as by your loved ones here.