Quality vs. Quantity

I remember back in high school having a conversation with a girl who was much more extroverted and outgoing than me. She would float around different groups, friendly spreading her social butterfly wings with an enviable ease. That felt much too daring for my comfort zone, which consisted of sitting quietly in my tight-knit little circle of friends. But, I was shocked one day to hear her express sadness at feeling like she didn't have any friends. From my perspective she had dozens (if not hundreds) more friends than me and I didn't understand how she could feel that way. That is, until I realized the difference between quantity and quality.

The conversation stuck with me as a constant reminder that the quality of my relationships was much more important than the number. And, really, I've been so blessed with some of the most priceless friendships a girl could ever hope for.

As I look back on my life, it's so easy to identify friendships that came naturally and easy, and amazing to recognize the tiny details that allowed our lives to connect. I've been seriously blessed with the companionship of some of the most amazing friends, and often during periods when I needed them the most. And, equally amazing is the connection that remains even with great distance and length of time that might separate us.

One of those friends happens to have her birthday today. You should check out her blog and let yourself laugh and be inspired. She is amazing! Happy Birthday, Jess!

As I get older, though, I've realized that those easy, natural friendships don't come along very often. You know the kind... where right off the bat conversations flow, the comfort level makes you feel like you can open up the most vulnerable part of your heart without any hesitation and without any fear of judgment. I should add here that having been blessed with sisters who have filled that role is a blessing I sincerely try not to take for granted. There is nothing better than having sisters who are also my best friends.

And, so when I have that, I find it even more incredible when my life is still blessed with others that bring with them such sweet friendship that makes my life feel richer than what I could ever merit. Just a few short months ago I met a young mother of two adorable boys, her youngest the same age as Benjamin, and right away I felt drawn to her. I could tell by my initial interactions with her that she and I would probably get along really well. Little did I know how much we'd have in common and how those commonalities would quickly forge one of those rare friendships that come easy and naturally.

On the first play date we had with our boys, Annie and I got to talking and before I knew it, she was opening up to me about her recent loss - a baby girl - that left her with wounds that were still raw and painful. It was the last thing I was expecting to hear from such a happy, seemingly carefree person. But, immediately I was taken back to my own reactions to our loss and the efforts I made to appear normal. And, remembering the physical ache that lingers in the heart in the months that follow and the tears that seemed to not ever dry up, I just wanted to wrap her up and take all of that away. And, right away I felt this huge relief with the realization that there would be feelings we'd share that wouldn't ever have to be expressed.

From that day (in October, I think) followed lots of days just like it where we'd meet up, let our boys play (and sometimes borderline fight... two-year olds!), and continue to build our friendship. Earlier this month I was super sad to find out that their brief stay here would be even more brief than originally planned. They moved this morning back to where they came from, which fortunately isn't too far away but still far enough away to create some distance and great difficulty in continuing our weekly play dates and late night talk-fests.

But, rather than feeling sad, I feel so incredibly blessed to have another friend who will no doubt be a friend for life, one of the best in quality.

Security Blankets

Brent Top, a professor of religion at BYU, gave a talk at Education Week last summer that I listened to a few months ago. (If you're interested in listening to the entire talk, let me know.) I was touched deeply by much of what he talked about. But the following quote has resonated deep within my heart, over and over again. 

“I can now see that the Lord was trying to teach me a valuable lesson, but before He could teach me, he had to get my attention. Really get my attention, so that I would truly listen and learn from Him. Often God gets our full attention when he strips away our security blankets, whatever they may be, and exposes our weakness, insecurities, and inadequacies, in such a way as to literally force us to our knees. I am convinced that each of us, if we are faithful and we earnestly strive to be true disciples will be forced to our knees at some point in our lives, perhaps many times. As painful as those times may be, they may be among the most significant learning periods of our lives, and the most powerful evidences of the Lord's grace and tender mercies.”

Facing the stark reality of our infertility a couple of years ago made me feel stripped and naked, which I mentioned, in part, here. But, whatever I thought it felt like to be stripped a year or so ago is nothing compared to now. And, who knows, maybe two years down the road I'll look back at this period and wonder why I was having such a hard time. Hard has become a very relative term... what was once hard doesn't seem nearly as crippling now.

But, even as I'm struggling through this period, I know there are many out there who are also going through their own struggles. There seems to be a wide-spread movement through every family and in every country around the world; a movement of people being stripped of their security blankets. Stripped of jobs, stripped of money, stripped of homes, stripped of possessions, stripped of power and status, stripped of family, stripped of any other thing that holds value to us.

We all have different security blankets. We all have different struggles. The one common factor that remains constant through each person's individual situation is the need for a personal, real relationship with God.

He has my attention. More than ever before in my life.

And, just so you know - He has not slacked in responding with grace and tender mercies.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

After a very unseasonably warm January, February has brought with it rain. We really need it, so I don't mind it. To celebrate the rain today, I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a movie. The Five People You Meet in Heaven. As far as movies go, it was pretty good. I guess one nice thing about it was being able to reflect on some of my own thoughts and feelings.

I don't know what the deal is, but for the last month or so I've had so many thoughts swirling around in my head, but totally unable to make sense of them. The movie was both a welcome distraction from the constant pressure to make sense of everything, as well as a helpful tool in getting me to look at my thoughts differently. 

Anyway, there was a quote near the end of the movie that really struck me. The main character, Eddie, meets his wife in heaven and he's expressing his sadness in having lost her and missed out on time with her. And this is her response: 

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand, you can't tousle their hair. But when those senses weaken, another one comes to life. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You hold it, you dance with it. Life has to end; love doesn't."

One aspect of our loss that has been incredibly hard to deal with has been the fact that we really only have one memory to hold onto of our daughters. And, the fact that that memory is filled with such intense feelings, makes it that much harder to think about. I find myself wishing that we could have had just a little more time. Just a few more memories to get us through. It all just happened too soon and too fast.

But, the part of this quote that really rang true to me was this idea about new senses being strengthened with loss or death. While we clearly lack the memories, I have still found myself seeking to strengthen other senses. There is a need to connect to and understand the language of the Spirit; a hungering for quiet moments to feel a little bit closer to things eternal. It has never felt as urgent or as much of a priority as it does now. And, I'm really grateful for that - grateful for the yearnings, grateful for the awareness of the knowledge and the peace that are available.

And, really what a comfort to know that though life {as we now know it} does have an end, love doesn't.

But, that's a whole new topic for a different day.

Prayers for Amy

I've been having so many thoughts running through my mind, so many things I need to write out. But, every time I sit down to write the only thing that comes to my mind is my blogging friend Amy. She lost her unborn baby boy on Monday. Hearing her sad news has made my own wounds feel fresh and new again... my heart aches for the loss she is experiencing. 

Please keep her and her family in your prayers. I know that the prayers offered on our behalf have carried us through our darkest moments... and I know they will carry Amy and her family.

"I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee."

- 2 Kings 20:5

God Be With Our Angels

We never thought we'd be in this position. 

As you know, the last couple of weeks have held many ups and downs for us and our little girls, Elliana and Emmaline. Through it all we have been blessed by the prayers and love we've felt from all of you. We felt very sure that whatever challenges came with this pregnancy that we would make it through to the end with our little girls. 

This week's challenge was discovering that the surgery to fix the Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome that appeared to go well last week actually had some complications in the form of a serious uterine infection. On Tuesday that infection caused one of the membrane sacs to break, sending us in a panic back to UCSF that night. As we waited all morning Wednesday, praying and hoping for a positive outcome, Megan developed a fever accompanied by other signs, indicating the seriousness of the infection, making immediate delivery our only option.

Elliana was born at 8pm on Wednesday, July 16th. Her sister, Emmaline, was born at 8:10pm. They were 20 weeks 1 day. Elliana lived for about an hour, and Emmaline was considered stillborn. They both measured exactly the same - 9.5 inches long and 9.25 ounces. We had some very tender and precious moments with both our beautiful little girls immediately after birth and throughout the night. There are no words to describe the deep love and bond we felt with those brave little spirits in our presence. We felt a sweet assurance that they are ours forever and that our chance to raise them has not been taken away, but only delayed for a little while. We look forward with great anticipation to the day when we will meet them again and fulfill all our dreams of raising them and loving them the way we hoped to in the coming weeks and years.

While we are definitely aching and mourning our loss, we have also experienced sweet comfort and peace. Thank you for your continued prayers for our family. They bring us strength and hope in quiet moments of need.

We are planning a memorial service for Thursday, July 24th at 9:00am at our local LDS Church.

All our love and gratitude,
Marc, Megan, Elliana & Emmaline