Our Little Mr. Sunshine

I don't know for sure when this baby is going to make his arrival. It would sure be convenient if I did, though! With my due date just a few days away, I do know that the time is getting closer. And, so in the meantime, I'm soaking up all the one-on-one time I can squeeze in with this smiley little boy. Doesn't he just ooze happiness?

Feeling ever so blessed to have our little Benjamin in our family. He makes our happy moments happier and adds sunshine to our gray days. I don't know how my heart will ever have room enough to love another one this much... but, I hear that's a common feeling when anticipating the arrival of another child. I guess I better get ready for an expanded heart. 

Sacred vs. Scary

* I can't believe I'm really posting a photo of my 38-week belly. FYI, I feel as large as I look.

As my pregnancy has progressed, and I've now completed 38 weeks (which I'm still a bit shocked by), I've found myself reflecting a lot on the only birth experience I've had. As you know, its outcome wasn't anything near what we had hoped for, but I've been surprised at how so many of the details have come back to haunt me. 

I kept a lot of the details of the twins' birth to myself, both the scary and the sacred. The sacred because, well, there are some things that are meant to be kept sacred. And the scary because in those early stages of grief I didn't want to focus my attentions on the awful things I had to endure, for fear of them turning my heart bitter. Now that it has almost been two years, and finding myself anticipating the birth of our next little one, I've felt compelled to revisit some of those awful moments. Not because I want to, but because I'm afraid of the emotional barriers that might get in the way of having a beautiful birth experience this time around.

When I initially wrote out this post, I had compiled a whole list of very specific moments that were both awful and scary. But, somehow writing them out and acknowledging them individually for myself feels like enough for me, for now. I've saved the list, though, and may decide in some future moment to share that list. I just don't know how much good it would do to unveil those moments for the rest of you. Plus, I know Marc wasn't too thrilled with some of my phrases, like, "wincing with every gush of amniotic fluid" and I didn't know how else to say it.

Suffice it to say that confronting my deepest fears and reliving the most traumatic experience of my life has been instrumental in the choices we've made for the kind of experience we want to have with the upcoming birth of our little boy. And, actually, a lot of those choices weren't made based on fear from the scary moments we had, but rather based on the one most sacred part of our experience with the birth of our twin daughters. 

I've spent some long hours over the last few weeks trying to find peace with the awful details, and as I've found peace, I've also found increased joy in the sacred moments that were given to us. As tears have been shed, and prayers have been offered, I've felt very strongly that this little boy on his way has the eye of Divine Providence glued on him. Even as we've encountered some possible concerns (like the 2-vessel cord), I've felt reassured again and again that all will be okay. And, as we've made plans for welcoming him into the world, we've felt guided in the details. 

With only a few more weeks of waiting for his arrival, I feel more hopeful than ever about our impending birth experience, that it will be both beautiful and sacred. And not scary.

As of yesterday...

Ben is now ten weeks old.

And...

we now have ten weeks (approximately) before welcoming baby boy #2.

To be completely honest, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. Excited, for sure... but also overwhelmed. We've been taking a birthing class and making other preparations for our little addition. Fortunately Ben has been feeling much better these days, after some miserable weeks of acid reflux, gassiness, and constipation. With the absence of pain and discomfort, there have come some better nights of sleep for him and for us, which has resulted in a greater reserve of energy during the day to get things done, and a much happier little guy.

I often find my mind wandering a couple of months into the future, trying to imagine what life will be like with an almost five month old and a newborn. I'm still trying to figure out how all of this happened. I wasn't expecting any of it and I'm feeling more and more undeserving of such rich blessings. I know there isn't anything I've done to deserve this kind of abundance. I count myself simply the beneficiary of God's mercy and love. I know these blessings have come from Him.

Appointments

It's been a week of appointments.

Tuesday I had my 24-week appointment with my doctor. It was four weeks ago, at the end of my last appointment that we made our way down to The City to pick up our little Ben. So, the doctor and nurses were pretty excited this week to finally meet him. When we go out like this I wonder what people are thinking. Do they think that I'm just still trying to shed those extra pregnancy pounds? I'm sure those questions will only get more interesting in the coming months. It has been quite a unique experience having a newborn baby in my arms and having a baby kicking around inside at the same time. 

The other day while I was feeding Ben, I had him conveniently resting a bit on the top of my growing belly. The Little One must have felt either a little cramped or a sudden urge of affection for his big brother because in the exact spot where Ben was resting there came a push back. I can hardly wait to see how they'll be together. Good times lie ahead, really good times.

Anyway, my appointment went well. Apparently the Little One is  already positioned head down... not that he'll stay that way for the next 16 (or so) weeks, but I was amazed that she was able to tell that just by a slight feel of my belly. Speaking of belly-feeling, it has been fun to have Marc finally be able to feel the kicking... and now if you're looking at the right moment you can see the waves of his movement across my belly. 

Some good news is that I'm finally gaining weight now that the morning sickness seems to be over. My last date with the toilet was right around 20 weeks. Those were some long weeks. There are still foods that I stay away from and I still have dry heaves, but I'm glad that the vomiting has subsided. And, I'm mostly relieved that our little guy is doing well.

And then, today we went in for Ben's one month appointment.

I can hardly believe he's one month... in some ways it feels like it's been so much longer and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday that he came to us. His weight started out at 7 pounds 2 ounces. At two weeks he was 7 pounds 12 ounces. And, today he was up to 8 pounds 14 ounces. On top of that he's 21 and a half inches long... up three quarters of an inch. Our little boy is growing so fast! 

Besides getting his scheduled vaccination, we discussed some concerns with the doctor about how Ben is doing. We've been worried about of his frequent painful cries. There is no doubt that his crying is caused by something that's seriously causing him pain. 

From the beginning we knew part of the problem was gas pain. We tried a couple of different formulas hoping we might find an easy fix. But that only caused other problems. Today the doctor confirmed another of our suspicions. He's also suffering from acid reflux. That's quite the duo. The other day we started him on a new formula that is supposed to help ease the gas pain and the doctor wants us to keep him on it for a week before trying some other solution. It all sounded reasonable and doable sitting there in the exam room.

It wasn't until returning home with Ben and having his pain escalate to the point that he wouldn't eat and couldn't be consoled that I wished I had demanded a quicker fix. While his different sources of pain torture him, his crying is torturing me. I just feel so bad that he has these moments of immobilizing pain and that as his mother I'm unable to take his pain away. And, I feel so helpless with the little ways that I am able to do to try to help him. 

He and I must have been quite a sight today... gently bouncing near the kitchen window, both of us crying. I love him so much, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Thankfully Marc was home and able to step in and help soothe us both. We're all hoping that we find something soon that will help his pain subside. He is such a sweet boy... we hate to see him in so much pain.

All in all, these appointments are sweet reminders of how much we have to be grateful for. We really have been blessed beyond anything we ever could have imagined.

Must Haves

I have a long list of things I need to do today. We're getting all ready for family that's coming for Christmas. Both my sisters (and their families) will be here for the holidays... and I'm so excited to spend the next couple of weeks with them. It's going to be wonderful! I have to make the most of today, getting cleaning and general chores around the house done, so that I can just sit and relax once they're here.

We've also been busy preparing ourselves for Baby Boy. We have the bassinet and changing table set up. The clothes are washed and ready to be used and dirtied. I've been working on making a mobile that I hope turns out how my mind has already created it. As I've gone through boxes and tubs of baby stuff, I've been reminded of how much we've acquired over the last couple of years. I can hardly believe we will actually be able to use it all.

But, I need help. There are things we still need to get. This is where you all come in. I know there are things that mothers out there just cannot live without. What are your must haves? 

And, for adoptive mothers out there, any advice about the best bottles and formula? And, about health insurance... what did you do? Is it best to add the baby to your current plan or to get the baby his own health plan? When I called my insurance provider, the lady I talked to was very unhelpful and left me with more questions than answers. 

Oh, and have any of you tried cloth diapers? Pros? Cons?

Am I missing anything?!

Girl, Girl, Boy, ....

* Our January Baby Boy, picture taken Sept. 2nd, at 22 weeks

Since the beginning of September we've had more than a few moments of imagining what our life could look like a year from now with two babies. Since we knew Tracey was having a boy, we just made sure to daydream equally about him paired with a little brother and him paired with a little sister. Both visions would leave me smiling from ear to ear.

For the last few days my dreams and imaginations have turned more specific. On Monday we headed down to the same Perinatologist office we went to last year with the twins. It felt a little strange to be in the same office at the same point in pregnancy when we got our first glimpse of bad news with the twins. I tried not to relive those memories, but I was admittedly relieved when the ultrasound tech. led us to a different room where we could make new memories.

As I was getting myself situated, her first question to us was, "so, is this your first?" 

"Um... let's say yes," was all I could think to say.

She caught on and asked if we had had a miscarriage. I gave her a very brief explanation. She responded with a genuine sympathy that made me immediately love her. As she moved the wand over the gooey mess on my belly, I was stunned by the miracle of life that is growing within me. We were chatting a bit while watching the screen at the same time, when all of a sudden her wand paused to take a picture and I stopped mid-sentence, totally shocked by what I was seeing...

"Is it a boy?!"

I swear her "Yes!" came out as more of a squeal than anything else. 

Oh my gosh, a boy. No, two boys. Brothers. Best friends.

So, yes, the daydreams now include all things boy. Visions of blue mixed with playing ball and never-ending energy and daredevil stunts. And, we couldn't be happier!

The little guy is growing and strong. All of his anatomy is perfect and healthy. Our Level 2 ultrasound even revealed both of his layers of teeth already formed. So amazing. The only downside to getting an ultrasound from a high risk office is that since they look for more, the chances are higher of finding something to be concerned about.

It turns out that the umbilical cord is a 2-vessel cord, rather than the preferred 3-vessel cord. That was when we heard unwelcomed words like echocardiogram, growth restriction, and "we'll be watching you more closely."

My heart sunk a little. I don't want another scary pregnancy. I just want it to be easy. No concerns, no complications. When the Doctor came in to double check everything, fortunately she eased many of the fears that had crept in. She did confirm the 2-vessel cord, but she also confirmed that the kidneys and the heart looked perfectly healthy, showing that the cord problem hasn't affected the baby or his growth and development (yet). She does want to see us again in a couple of months to make sure he is still growing right on track, but no need to be overly worried at this point. Plus, he's already measuring a week ahead of schedule, so that was definitely welcome news.

Our emotions are about to pop. January eleventh is quickly approaching and we are all ready for Baby Boy #1. We can't wait to meet him! I feel so grateful that we'll be able to give him a little brother so quickly. I don't know how or why we've been blessed with such abundance... but we are grateful beyond words for the mercy and kindness of a loving and provident Miracle Worker.

* Our May Baby Boy, picture taken Dec. 14th, at 18 weeks

Blessings - Part 1

After writing that last post, I intended on writing a follow-up the very next day. I thought I would finally find the right words to share what happened next. But, I'm still struggling.

Have you ever experienced something that feels so special that, while your heart shouts for joy, shouting it from the rooftops seems inappropriate? Instead, you want to whisper it quietly into the ears of those who are closest to you, hoping that they'll feel the sacredness of what you're sharing.

Over the last couple of months, we've felt completely overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the healing we've found in the last year. Choosing to go through every grueling part of the grieving process has turned out to bring a new beauty to life. And, in seeking to know and understand my role and purpose in this season of my life, I've found answers come in the form of blessings that I never expected, that I never could have dreamed of.

Here's me whispering in your ear...

On the last day of August, we received the first bit of unexpected and joyful news. Even though we hadn't officially gotten back into adoption, we received an email from Tracey, a birth mother, letting us know she had chosen us to adopt her baby boy. The experiences that led her to find us have felt so clearly Divinely guided. From our first contact with Tracey, we have felt the Lord's hand in this blessing, this miracle. And, I can't help but wonder what role certain angels have played in helping this all to happen.

It is difficult to express the love and admiration we feel for Tracey. I have struggled a bit with the contrast of emotions that come with this approaching adoption. While we feel joy at the blessing this little boy will be in our family, we know the choice for Tracey is not an easy one. It pains me to think of the grieving process she faces. We know something of pain and heartache from losing a child and it hurts to think that she might be experiencing some of that. That's why I'm so relieved with our mutual feelings about having a very open adoption. I hope that through the years we can somehow find a way to adequately express our love and gratitude to Tracey.

As expressed in this article about adoption, our greatest hope for Tracey is that she will find "that from the ashes of [her] deepest pain, [God] has made something beautiful."

I find great comfort in my firm assurance that she and I share the same loving and merciful Father who sees the full picture of our lives and knows the details of every feeling, every unspoken yearning, every hurt and every fear. Because of His perfect love, He knows how and when to send the right joys and pains that will teach us lessons of life that will help us become who He intends for us to become. He clearly works in mysterious ways... and I'm constantly amazed at how perfectly those mysteries are resolved.

Baby Boy is expected to arrive January 11th.

(That's only seven weeks away!)