Re-livable moments

Since I'm putting Lucy down for bed at night while Marc is getting the boys settled, I usually miss out on the bedtime routine for my boys and I've really missed it lately. I get their energy and action during the day, which I love... but, it'd sure be nice to get a good dose of their cuddles and snuggling as they wind down and drift off to sleep.

Last night they were taking extra long falling asleep, so after Lucy was settled I got a few quiet moment with my boys. They were both wide-eyed and fighting their drooping eyelids. I laid down in the middle, so that I could hold hands with Hugh to my right and reach Ben on my left. We looked up at their big star light that hangs from the corner of the ceiling. Ben was telling me about the "big star" and the "big truck" and the "big wheels." So, I picked up on that "big" theme and started telling them a story, talking in my softest whisper at a nice slow pace.

Within five minutes or so I glanced over at Hugh to see his eyelids half-way closed, which if you're married to any of my brothers you know that in my family that pretty much means you're knocked out. Yeah, it's a little creepy, I know.

So, I continued with the story for Ben who was still wide-eyed and interjecting with his own version of the story at times. After about 15 minutes, Ben's breathing changed to its heavy, almost-snoring-like quality and I knew he was gone.

Instead of getting up right away, I just laid there, enjoying the comfort and the calm of the moment. Then, I turned to Hugh, stroked his hair, kissed him on the forehead and whispered in my softest whisper, "I love you so much." Then, I turned to Ben and did the same. They both laid still, except for the soft rise and fall of their chests, their little bodies sinking deeper into their slumber.

It was one of those moments that filled me with so much love. One of those moments I'll look back on years from now and wish I could have it back again. But, hopefully, the fact that I had it in the first place means I'll always have it in my heart, to re-live again and again.

October Projects

I was realizing today how fast this month has gone and I'm trying to figure out where the time went. I've been busy working on a couple of projects in my spare time, both of which have me wondering why I ever thought it was a good idea to use such precious spare time for projects that won't turn out nearly as good as I think they will. Sometimes paying for someone else to do it is a much better plan.

Project number one: I found a blog with a template for quiet books and it looked simple enough that I decided to make a couple for the boys since they've started to need a little more help staying quiet during that first hour of church. A month or so ago I went down to our local craft store and bought all the supplies I'd need. Sixty-five dollars later, a couple of big headaches, and a month's worth of tiny bits of free time on evenings when I've felt any trace of motivation, and I only have two pages done. I should have just bought a couple on etsy.

Project number two: Halloween costumes. They're still a work in progress and they could actually go a couple of different ways, but either way I'm making helmets out of paper mache. Thank you, Mrs. Castleberg, for teaching me in third grade how to make paper mache. I'm just really relieved that if their costumes totally flop, we have their M&M costumes, that they've worn the last two years, as back-up. Depending on how they turn out, I may or may not post some photos.I guess if nothing else my lack of creative talent might give someone else a much needed boost. I'm happy to oblige.

And, besides those two headaches projects, I've been feeling quite sleep-deprived this week. My good little sleeper has been off all week. From birth Lucy was a great sleeper with 3-4 hour stretches from the first night, and then getting to the point of sleeping for nine hour stretches regularly, then going back to sleep for a few more hours. But, all of a sudden this week she's been waking up every couple hours, seems extra fussy (but not obviously sick, as far as I can tell), and isn't napping as well either.

I don't know what is going on, but it got to the point last night that I was sitting in the dark on the couch at 10pm just sobbing. It had been a particularly long day and I was just exhausted and felt so helpless. I begged and pleaded for heaven's help and gratefully last night went just slightly better... but, it was better enough that we both got a little more sleep and Lucy's naps today seemed to be getting back on track. So far tonight she's already woken twice, which is clearly not back to normal, but she's not as fussy and has gone back down a lot easier.

I'm assuming she's going through a growth spurt, but I've been trying to be extra aware of other possible issues. I just hope for both of our sakes that she starts sleeping better again. I told Marc today that if someone really wanted to torture me, sleep deprivation is the way to break me down. I do not handle lack of sleep very well.

So, between my latest projects combined with my lack of sleep, there's been little time and motivation for blogging. Plus, our camera battery has been dead and I don't even have any cute photos to share. Maybe we'll have that fixed by Halloween.

Personal Prophetic Epistles

“If we teach by the Spirit and you listen by the Spirit, some one of us will touch on your circumstance, sending a personal prophetic epistle just to you.” - Elder Holland

On the eve of one of my favorite weekends of the year - General Conference - I've been thinking of some of my favorite highlights from the conference we enjoyed six months ago. And, mostly for my own purposes, I thought I'd share my top three favorite talks.

I think my most favorite talk was Elder Holland's The Laborer's in the Vineyard.

"...surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."

"...however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

Next favorite was Elder Eyring's talk Mountains to Climb. He starts with this story:

"I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”

"My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting."

"Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost."

And, finally, there is President Uchtdorf's talk, The Merciful Obtain Mercy. A quick highlight from his talk:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:"

"Stop it!"

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

"We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?"

"Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?"

I was super excited for the weekend that awaits before I started writing this blog post, and now I'm even more excited! Truth and knowledge - can't get better than that. With a hungry soul and a heart open and willing to receive direction for my personal life, this is exactly what I need - personal prophetic epistles. Bring it on!

A glimpse of my crazy life

This morning as we were getting ready for the day I asked the boys, "what should we do today?" Without even a slight pause, Hugh responded with "Go to Utah." Funny boy. Then, he continued to say it throughout the day. We didn't go to Utah. But, we did walk down to Bapa and GG's house.

But, before that the boys decided that they'd take turns trapping each other in the big toy tub, all while I was nursing Lucy. At first they were both sitting in it in the middle of the kitchen floor, talking about how they were floating in a boat, giggling and playing nicely. Then, the next thing I know Hugh is screaming and crying hysterically, but it's all kind of muted. So, I got up as quickly as possible to find the lid on the tub securely in place and Ben looking a little concerned at not being able to get it off.

We rescued Hugh and I got comfortable again and Lucy and I resumed her feeding. Not more than a few minutes passed when there was another muffled scream, this time coming from Ben. This time he was the trapped one. I tried really hard to remain calm, but also to use my firmest voice to let them know this little game was not okay. Not just because it could be dangerous, but also because Lucy was tired and all of these interruptions were making it really difficult to get her to sleep.

When we were interrupted for the umpteenth time and Lucy was clearly unable to sleep through it all, I thought I might just lose all my cool if we didn't get out of the house. So, I wrapped Lucy up in her Sleepy Wrap and gave the boys a piece of licorice (as bribery to be good on our little walk) and off to the grandparents' house we went. They held my hands the entire way and didn't try to pull any fast ones on me, for which I was very grateful. Times like these remind me that they really are good boys.

Spending a couple of hours with my parents was a good choice. We all got some fresh air, a change of scenery, and a few more extra hands to keep them from hurting each other. Ben assumed his usual self-appointed duty of watering the plants in my parents' yard, and did so very thoroughly, while Hugh sat on the stepping stones playing with rocks and bugs, making up stories about cars going through gates.

And, Lucy? She slept against my chest, her head tucked perfectly under my chin, her body snug against mine. I love carrying her around in the wrap and feeling the closeness with her that we shared for nine months, only now the joy is tenfold and the pain is considerably less.

Luckily my Dad walked with us back home and the rest of the afternoon went by rather uneventfully. Until at one point I started to change Hugh's diaper, only realizing halfway through that I needed to grab a diaper. I came back to find that Ben had taken over, pulling the diaper off and trying to wipe Hugh. Poor Hugh looked like he was paralyzed with fear and had the most uncertain look on his face. We were all cracking up!

We ended the evening on a little family walk down to the playground, one last attempt to extract any extra energy from our little energizer bunnies. We've been doing it every night for the last week or so and it's been working like a charm! Lucy and I swing, while the boys run around, and Marc and I get time to talk about our day. While I enjoy the one-on-one time with Lucy, I think I enjoy this whole family time even more.

And, we end the evening with some sort of treat (lately it's been ice cream cones) and baths. Marc takes care of the boys while I take care of Lucy, and we usually emerge from our routines at about the same time, giving us a couple of hours of quiet together.

The days sometimes seem long and a tad bit crazy, but my three little ones are growing so fast and, even with all the craziness that comes with it, I wish I could make time stop. This is the life; the life I always dreamed of having. And, it's even better being right in the middle of it.

Thoughts from my evening walk

In the evenings, after dinner is finished and toys are picked up, and while Marc takes over the bath and bedtime routine for the boys, I put Lucy in her Sleepy Wrap and we head out for a leisurely stroll. It might just be my favorite part of the day.

Since my surgery (two weeks ago), I haven't been able to take her out in the wrap, but we've still gone on shorter walks with her just in my arms. Tonight, though, I was feeling like my incisions are doing well enough that we were safe to pick up our evening routine again.

Sometimes I'll take my phone and call one of my sisters or a friend, since it's often one of the only quiet moments in my day when I'm able to carry on a decent conversation with little interruption. But, sometimes, like tonight, I crave the quiet. Time to think through things that are on my mind or weighing on my heart, time to laugh at funny things the boys did that day, time to reflect on where I'm at in my life, time to count my blessings, time to ponder and even pray.

As I start down our hill, I'm always struck by the way the late evening sun hits the East hills in our little valley - I'm sure the descriptive lyrics "purple mountains majesty" were inspired by views exactly like what I see every evening. It's breathtaking.

On some evenings Lucy is fussy and I focus all my attention on comforting her. But, tonight she fell fast asleep before we even left home. Right away I was alone with my thoughts and right away I felt how heavy they were, though it wasn't immediately clear what or why there was so much weight to them.

As I started sorting through my thoughts the only thing that became immediately clear was that it was very unclear what was causing such a heavy burden. There are the personal things - surgery recovery, sickness going through our family right now, friends experiencing struggles, medical bills to pay. Then, there are the global things - suffering, war, unrest in far corners of the earth.

While I was still making peace with my thoughts I noticed a young kid up ahead of me. Thirteen, maybe 14 years old. He sat down on some steps and started fiddling with something in his lap, looking back and forth from side to side, seeming just slightly paranoid. Then he lit his little joint and fiddled with it a little more before he looked up ahead and made eye contact with me. He quickly tried to hide it and then pulled out his phone, his attempt to cover it up, clearly hoping I hadn't seen what he was up to.

As I got closer, he looked up again at me. Big blue eyes. So young, so innocent. So fragile. I wanted to sit down and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to fill him with love and a feeling of self-worth so strong that he wouldn't have any desire to turn to destructive and dangerous things like that. I wondered about his home, his family. Where were they? Did they have any idea? Does he even have a place he can call "home"? All these questions flooded through my head in about five seconds.

As I slowly walked up the steps that he was sitting on, and the smell confirmed my assumptions, all I could think to say was, "you should really stay away from that stuff." Totally lame, I know... I hope what he really heard from my tone, though, was "you're better than this, you're worth so much more than this, you're loved and valued." I really hope he felt something in his heart.

As I finished my walk home, all of a sudden everything else on my mind seemed so small and insignificant. I hugged my little bundled baby girl and kissed the top of her head. I thought of my two young boys laying down for the night. I wondered about what things my children will face in the future. I wondered if they'd turn to other people or things that would hurt them. I wondered if I'm wrapping my arms around them enough right now to secure in them a feeling of acceptance and unconditional love.

Nothing else, whether here or abroad, matters more to me than that right now - doing everything I can to create a loving home where my children feel safe and loved. If my heart could hurt so much for this young kid that I don't even know, I'm not sure I could handle feeling the pain I'd feel for one of my own. The world is a tricky and scary place sometimes, but even with all of its tricks and traps, I feel so grateful and confident that I have heaven's help available to help get us all through it.

Lucy is two months!

Where has the time gone?! It's so crazy how much babies change in the first weeks/months of life! I look at Lucy lately and am in awe at how fast she's growing and how much she's changing.

Lucy turned two months this week and she's kept up a good pace with her growth. She weighs 13.5 pounds and is 25.5 inches long... above the 95th percentile for both.

She is already more interested in sitting up and seeing what's going on around her and will make it known if you try to lay her down.

She smiles all the time and is a huge distraction at church because of it. One woman told me this last Sunday that she's never seen a happier baby. She is a sweetheart, for sure!

Lucy LOVES bath time! As soon as she hears the water filling the tub, she settle right down. And as soon as she gets in the water she kicks and coos and is happy to stay in there for at least 20 minutes.

Lucy has already had quite a few nights of sleeping 9-10 hour stretches. It's amazing to me! Ben and Hugh didn't sleep like that until much later. Her sleep habits haven't been quite as good since our last little trip, but I'm not worried about it. Even her worst nights are not that bad at all.

The boys just adore her and worry over her, just like big brothers should!

Lucy is such a sweet baby! We are so super lucky to have her in our family. She adds a happiness to our lives that I can't imagine going without.

School Bus Adventure

This time last year Ben started going to an Early Start class twice a week, after concerns we had about his slow language development. He adjusted quickly and loved his teachers, and within the first six months he had achieved all of his goals that we were hoping to reach after twelve months. We've been so grateful for the help we've gotten from his incredible teachers and it has been so much fun and satisfying to watch him learn and grow.

With a new school year starting, we opted to try out riding the bus. Ben loves buses and now that he's a little older we thought he might be ready for this next step. This week he's had his first experiences with riding the bus and so far it has gone remarkably well. We show his pictures of the bus before he leaves and tell him the bus will be taking him to school, to prepare him. The first couple of times he was a little hesitant, but by the time the bus arrives, at school or at home, he is all smiles!

Even after the mishap that happened during his very first bus ride home. Apparently the bus had mechanical problems and had to go back to the bus station to get some help. So, instead of the 15 minute ride home it was more like 50 minutes. I was a tiny bit frantic, but so relieved when he came bounding down those big bus steps with an enthusiasm I wish I could bottle, like such a big boy!

I would have captured one of his huge smiles in the photos below, but then I would have missed out on getting the huge hug as he runs into my arms... and that is far better than a photo!

Ben had an audience waiting for his arrival - Mom, Dad, Lucy, Hugh, Bapa and GG.

Can you see Ben's little head peaking out the window?!

It's still a little strange that my little two-year old is riding a bus. He's growing so fast and making us so proud. He is such a tender soul and so much fun!

I left an organ in Ogden (not San Francisco)

The last week of August my parents were planning a trip to Utah to attend baptisms of two of their grandchildren and at the last minute I decided I'd pack up myself and my three kiddos and go with them. Even though we were just there for our family reunion, I thought the boys would love another trip and I could spend some time with family and we could let Marc have a little quiet time to focus on getting work projects done. All in all it seemed like the perfect scenario for everyone.

Because of my parents' volunteering commitment on Wednesday mornings at the temple, Marc drove us down to meet them there and then drove their little car back home, while we continued on our trip in our van. We started the long drive across the desert at about 1pm.

Everything was going fairly well until a stop for gas in Elko, Nevada at around 10pm. As I was climbing back into the back seat of our van, I felt some pain in the middle of my back. It had been a long day of traveling and I figured I must have just twisted it funny when I got back in the car. But, then the pain seemed to spread around my rib cage to the front of my chest and tightened to the point where I was having a hard time breathing.

Not wanting to freak my parents out, I called Marc and asked him to look up symptoms of a heart attack. From what he read, it sounded like my symptoms were the same. Marc made me promise that if it got worse I'd make my parents stop and that even if the pain went away that I'd get checked out by someone within the next 24 hours.

As the pain got worse, I finally did tell my parents about the pain I was feeling and reassured them that when we stopped for the night I'd just take a warm bath and most likely feel much better. The warm bath did help, but when I was still awake and tossing and turning an hour later at 3am, I took another warm bath. I finally fell asleep sometime around 4am, only to wake up at 6am to feed Lucy again. Then back asleep for another hour before the boys were waking us up.

I felt tired, but the pain I'd been feeling was gone. The rest of the day I just felt a little off and slightly nauseous, but assumed it was from the traveling and lack of sleep. By evening I felt, more or less, back to normal and was enjoying time with my brother and his family in Ogden.

Then, in the middle of the night I found myself running to the bathroom with my body rejecting waste from both ends. Is there a nicer (less gross) way of saying that?? I was in a bedroom with my three little ones and in between my sprints to the bathroom I was up comforting and/or feeding each of my three kiddos at different points during the night. It was a pretty long night and I was feeling pretty miserable by the end of it.

After throwing up around 5am, I felt sharp pains in my chest and abdomen and knew that something wasn't right. Lucy was just waking up, so I fed her quick and then went into the bedroom where my parents were sleeping and told them I needed to go to the ER. Before leaving my brother's house, I was able to receive a blessing from my dad and brother, which seemed to ease the pain just enough to calm my fears just enough.

After a number of tests and an ultrasound, and few hours later, the ER doctor came in to let me know that I was having a gallbladder attack. In addition, there was a gall stone stuck in the duct that connects to the pancreas, and was causing inflammation in the pancreas as well. My condition was serious enough that I would need to go in for surgery right away.

Well, right away wasn't actually right away. But, shortly after noon I was knocked out while my gallbladder was being removed. As it turns out, the surgeon also found that I had an umbilical hernia and fixed that up while she was at it. I woke up to four small incisions in my abdomen, soreness all over my belly, pain in my right shoulder (from the air they filled my abdomen with), sores on the right corner of my mouth from the breathing tube, and lungs that burned as if I'd just run a marathon in Siberia. Plus, I was in a mental fog, struggling to come out of the anesthesia.

It was all very overwhelming and being separated from my babies, particularly my newborn babe, made me extra emotional. I had to "pump and dump" for about 24 hours after the surgery, but luckily Lucy adjusted fairly well to a bottle during that time and then adjusted back even easier to breastfeeding. Those 24 hours were awful. Even though I knew all three were in good hands - the best! - I slept terribly that night, feeling so alone without the breathing sounds and noises of my little ones to softly lull me to sleep. Instead, as fate would have it, there was a lightning storm all night that felt and sounded like it was attacking the hospital.

I survived my only night in the hospital and was released the next afternoon. I spent the next couple of days fighting feelings of discouragement. I had just fully recovered from Lucy's birth and felt like I'd just been knocked down again. I was pretty depressed to be back in recovery mode, which meant keeping the boys at an arm's length away, not being able to play with them, unable to do much rocking of my baby, since the doctor's one admonition was to not lift, pull or push anything over ten pounds for SIX weeks. I clearly haven't been good at following that, but I've tried to be careful.

Now that it has almost been two weeks since the surgery and we're back home, I'm feeling better. My wounds are still healing, both the physical and the emotional. I'm so grateful for the help I had from so many of my family members while we were in Utah, especially for my parents' help there and here.

I'm curious, though, if anyone else has had gallbladder problems. The ER doctor told me there is some connection to gallbladder attacks and pregnancy, but that they don't know why it happens exactly. I was also told that the attack could have been triggered by my sudden change in diet - by cutting out all dairy for Lucy's sake.

I guess whatever the cause, I won't have to worry about it happening again. So far I haven't noticed any change in the way my body functions without a gallbladder... and I'm down six pounds. Still, I definitely don't recommend it for a weight loss plan - there are much easier ways to lose six pounds!