Full day of (birthday) Fun

Late last night I was up making these treats for Ben to take to school for snack time. I thought about taking some over to my parents' house for them to have a snack on their weekly drive down to the temple, but it was late and I was too tired. As I was laying in bed I had this idea that if Lucy happened to wake up at 3:30am for her feeding, then I'd take her and we'd go to my parents' together, knowing they usually leave around 3:45. Ideas like that usually pop up when I'm feeling guilty about letting my laziness stop me from doing something.

Well, guess what time Lucy woke up. 3:33am. I laughed to myself, then hurried into my shoes, grabbed my phone and keys and a baggie of granola bites ready to go, picked up Lucy out of her crib and headed out into the dark, cold night. She was clearly confused as I was putting her into her car seat, patting my chest as if to try to communicate it was only milk she wanted. Then, when she realized it wasn't coming right away, she cried half the way to my parents house (which was probably less than 2 minutes). I was so excited to see the surprised look on their faces to find us both there in the middle of the night just to give them some treats to start their day.

You can imagine my utter disappointment when we pulled onto their street at 3:39 to find that their car was already gone. We missed them. And, now I made this pointless trip in the dark with my crying baby. It would have been so perfect.

We got back home and it took Lucy a little longer than usual to get settled again, but she eventually did and we both got a little more sleep. I was tired, though, when morning officially came and Marc was nice enough to let me get a little more sleep while he took care of breakfast duties.

I knew that once I got out of bed, the day ahead was going to be crazy busy and there'd be hardly a moment of down time.

Made bread, got everyone dressed, made lunch, took Ben to school, went to the store, put Lucy down for a nap, Hugh helped me get ahead on some dinner preparations, picked Ben up from school, went to another store, frosted a cake, made more dinner preparations, then finally it was time.

I got the kids in the car with the three helium balloons they had picked out from the second store and headed over to my parents. We were trying to get to their house before they returned from the temple. We were just barely too late, which I figured out as we passed them on their way to our house. So we turned around and went back. The kids were so excited to jump out and run to wish GG a happy birthday.

It was such a sweet moment! All three holding big balloons, running toward her as she's getting out of the car. "Happy Birthday, GG!!" It was a big one this year, so we planned a little surprise - a scavenger hunt that would take her all around town to significant places from the last so many years of raising her family. At each stop she got a clue and a note or gift from each one of her children. I had made arrangements with my siblings to send me whatever they wanted to give her... and got something from everyone. It was so fun to put together and even more fun to watch her response at each and every stop along the way!

My mom has done an amazing job raising the eight of us. I don't know how she did all she did. I hope she was able to recognize along the way how much we appreciate all that she's done and how much it is still blessing our lives. We've learned valuable lessons, gained valuable skills and talents because of her encouragement and insistence, and desired to make more of ourselves, because of her example.

We ended up back at my house, to a late dinner of chicken cordon bleu, rice, and roasted asparagus, followed by a delicious fruit pizza topped with fresh raspberries and blackberries. It was such a fun day! Ben kept saying it was his party and his birthday. Hugh sang the cutest version of Happy Birthday I've ever heard (and we got it on video, too!). Both boys loved helping to blow out the candles. Such a full day of fun!

The Sunday Circus

When I was young I used to love Sundays because they were relaxing, and as soon as church was over I could chill out, sleep all day, do whatever I wanted. But, since having kids, Sundays have taken on a completely different meaning. They've gone from being the most relaxing day of the week to quite possibly the most exhausting day of the week.

We usually get up around 7:30am. I get breakfast started while Marc hops in the shower. I get the kids and myself fed and start cleaning up when Marc stops through to grab his plate (or bowl) and eat quick before he has to leave for his 8:30 pre-church meetings. After he's gone, I get the kids' church bags together - a couple of story books, a couple of toys, a notepad & pen, and a quiet book. Then, I get the diaper bag ready - diapers, wipes, water and snacks. Since church right now is right in the middle of when we'd have lunch, I pack up a ton. Today, for example, I had pretzels & cheez-its, grapes, clementines, fruit snacks, animal crackers, applesauce, yogurt raisins, and granola bars. Just in the last month I've had a couple of people approach me after the first meeting, commenting on how much money I must spend on snacks!

Anyway, so once all the bags are ready, I start getting the kids dressed for church. This process is sometimes much harder than other times, but if everyone cooperates then it should only takes maybe 10 minutes. But that is a very big IF. I usually try to plan for it taking roughly a half hour. I really am much more optimistic than that last sentence makes me sound!

Once all the kids are dressed and ready, it's usually about time to feed Lucy. That used to be the time when she'd go down for her morning nap, but she has now transitioned to just one nap a day, but she still insists on getting her morning feeding in. Then, if I'm lucky, it's finally my turn to get ready, while keeping the peace between siblings and making sure they don't get into any major messes with their church clothes. Sometime around 10:30 Marc returns to pick us up and lend an extra hand. We're usually able to make it just in time to get to our seats and get settled in before the meeting starts at 11.

Then, the real fun begins! And, by this point I'm already exhausted! An hour of keeping three kids still, quiet, and happy. Marc is finally sitting with us - the first time ever (since we've had kids) and so it has gotten a little easier. But, it's still a lot of work. Somehow I'm usually able to get something out of those meetings and feel renewed by them. And, really, with how energetic and boisterous my kids are on a normal day at home, they do really well at church with all the rules we expect them to follow. They know to be quiet, the know not to run out into the aisles, they know how to partake of the sacrament, they know it's a special place where they are expected to act differently. And, for the most part, they do really well.

The exhausting part is there is no mental break to just zone out. There's constantly someone who needs something and you have to be right on top of it before their impatience takes them to the screaming-bloody-murder phase. I guess there is a little break after the first hour, when we take the kids to their different classes. Except that Lucy is two months shy of being able to start Nursery and she's about six months too mature to just sit quietly on my lap during the adult classes. So, she and I do a lot of wandering right now. And I sometimes wonder why we're even there.

And, then there are other times when I watch Ben get up in Primary to give a talk and he does such a good job, or I watch Lucy fold her arms as soon as she hears the word "prayer", or I listen to Hugh pray all on his own in Nursery. Those are the moments when I realize it's all worth the exhaustion of getting them there, keeping them there, and then coming home and all of us crashing. I don't get an entire day to sleep away, but I have plenty of other moments to sleep. And, the precious moments we spend at church are far and away some of the best we have as a family. Plus, I'm pretty sure the majority of people at church appreciate all of the happy sounds from the children... and I'd really hate for them to miss out on that if we weren't there! It must be quite the show - our little traveling circus!

Carpe Diem!

This morning when my Dad and I arrived at our favorite fishing hole, the parking area was blocked with a sign that read, "closed for the season." We had no idea the season was over. We sat there stunned for a good 5 minutes at least, not sure what to do. Do you stay and fish anyway? Do we go back home and be content with the months of fishing trips we've already had? It felt totally anticlimactic - this feeling that I wish I'd known that our last fishing day was actually our last. So that I could have enjoyed it ever more. Is that even possible? I felt deflated and sad that it was over when I was expecting two more months of fishing with my dad.

We decided to drive to this little corner store in the nearest little town and ask about other spots that are open or what the specific regulations are. Luckily they had a book of regulations, so we looked up the fishing spots in our county and found that we technically still have one more week, so we made our way back to that fishing spot and had another enjoyable day fishing together. We came home with four fish, and smiling ear to ear for another memory added to our already rich supply.

But, it made me think about my every day life and what would happen if all of a sudden I came across a sign that said, "This season closed" or worse yet, "Game Over" or "The End."

I really try to enjoy every moment of motherhood. Like, the other day when one of my boys decided that while we were away from home it'd be a good idea to hide in the car long enough to get out a good bowel movement and then come out and tell me he had poopies. In his underwear. As I'm changing him in the middle of a parking lot, I'm trying to get it seared into his head that pooping in underwear is never a good idea. That next time it'd be a much better idea to come tell me he really needs to go potty and then I can take him to a toilet.

Luckily I was prepared with a change of clothes and I had a plastic bag to throw everything nasty away, underwear included. But, believe it or not, right in the middle of that little not-so-fun scenario I was totally thinking, "I can't believe this is actually my life! This is hilarious!" It was like something out of a comedy that you'd think would never happen in real life. And, yet it does... stuff like this is constantly happening to me.

Then there was today when I got to scrub out skid marks in a couple of dozen pairs of underwear, which happens, oh, at least once a week. I know that does not sound fun and I guess it probably really isn't. But, again, it's so far from what I ever would have imagined myself doing that I can't help but laugh my way through it. I made the comment to Marc today, "Remind me that I won't be doing this forever." And, his response: "Yeah, totally. By the time they're six they'll be able to scrub out their own underwear." I totally love my life! I seriously do!

I know tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and I know at any given moment, the end of something really great can come before I'm ready for it to end. That is such an awful feeling - to come to the end and wish you could go back and enjoy the ride just a little bit more. I don't want to feel that, especially when it comes to these early years of raising my kids. I know I'm in a very special place with them right now that some day I'll really miss. I'm not sure I'll miss cleaning up poopy underwear, but I'll miss the innocence of the moment and the kisses that always follow and the feeling that I'm able to do something for them that they can't do for themselves. It's an honor to feel so needed and heroic by my little super heroes.

Maybe it's time to paint a large sign to hang in my kitchen that says, "Carpe Diem". That would be fun. I could teach my kids a random phrase in French, while teaching them a good motto for life at the same time. It could hang next to the other sign I want to make that says, "Mangia, mangia"... another random phrase (this time in Italian), but an equally good motto for life! Don't you think?!

Gifts of Life

Yesterday Marc was able to take the second half of the day off work, so we could have a little family time together. We drove down to the Bay, where we first met up with my parents, who were down there for their usual Wednesday at the temple. Then, later we met up with my brother for dinner, who is on a little business trip. It ended up being a pretty long day, but so worth it! It was exactly what I needed and I came away feeling so refreshed and uplifted.

I was reminded of some very important truths, and I wanted to write some of them down so that I won't forget as easily.

1) The world around me is beautiful. Every where I look, there is beauty. I happen to live in a very gorgeous place - a little valley that's surrounded by lush mountains that are extra beautiful this time of year, it isn't far from the beach, and even closer to the most amazing Redwood Grove of its kind. Just a month ago we took some new friends to this particular grove and they were so stunned by its beauty, even paying close attention to the abnormally largeness of the clover leaves, which I hardly even notice now. As we explored the grove with them, I found myself trying to see it with new eyes, as if it were my first time, to feel the same awe and reverence that they were feeling. It made me realize how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place that offers such unique creations to appreciate. And, the most beautiful thing about that idea is that everyone should be able to say the very same thing about wherever they live. That's how beautiful this world is. I want to be more conscious of its beauty and more appreciative of the gift it is. The earth, in all of its beauty, is a gift that is meant to make my life joyful.

2) There is a need to connect and re-connect with those we love. Tomorrow morning, just like nearly every Friday morning for the past 7 months, I get to go fishing with my Dad. My Mom got us both fishing licenses this year and we decided Friday would be our fishing day. We've missed some, but only when one of us has been out of town. Sometimes it's just the two of us, sometimes we take my 3 kids. But, it has gotten to the point that Friday Fishing Day is almost as sacred to me as the Sabbath. Part of that has to do with the time I get to spend with my Dad (and 3 kids) doing something we love, and part of it is the feeling I get that I'm reconnecting to Nature, which to me is completely synonymous with connecting to Deity. I guess in a way it feels to me like the perfect set-up to feel close to both my Fathers. I love the sound of the rushing river we go to, watching the deer frolic in the golden hills on the other side of the river, feeling the warmth of the sun as it comes up through the trees, and just the chance to unplug from the many distractions and plug back into the things that matter most - those eternal relationships, both here and there.

3) I am not perfect and that is perfectly okay. I read somewhere recently - "God has a plan for your mistakes." And, He does! He doesn't expect me to be perfect and never has. He knows my efforts, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows I'm trying to figure it all out. I'm just glad He has it all figured out. I'm realizing there is a lot more I can do to let Him in my life to show me more. I think sometimes I convince myself that part of life is just suffering through blindly until I finally have a stroke of luck and get it right. But, I'm realizing He can open my eyes to new ideas, new beliefs, new habits, new perspectives, that can make the whole process so much easier. I just need to put myself in a place to be ready and listening, expecting the answers to come.

Yesterday was a much needed reminder that this life is a gift. The earth is a gift. The relationships I enjoy are gifts. The plan that God has for my life is a gift. And it is all there for me to enjoy, to find happiness. True, life has its struggles, but life is so much more than just trudging through the hard moments. The views, the people, the experiences are meant to bring me joy. That is the purpose of life - to find joy. It's there, even when the mountain is steep and the way is unknown. And, oh, how I needed that reminder!

Trying to figure it all out

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mother. As a young child I was admittedly much more interested in sports and things I could do with my brothers, but still I had dolls that I adored. The main two I had were Sugar and Suzie. Aren't those the greatest names? I also had one that my mom brought back from a trip to Germany that had eyes that opened and closed and made this crying noise when you picked her up. It kind of freaked me out a little, which might be why I never gave her a name.

I made beds for them and pretended to feed them and take care of them. As I got older, I did a lot of babysitting and tried to get a glimpse into the future of what it would like when it'd be me as the Mom, in my own home, making dinner for my own kids. It think I assumed it would be as easy and fun and carefree as babysitting. I had no idea how much more would be involved that would detract and distract from the easy and fun side of motherhood.

It's really an incredible juggling act that requires so much more talent and poise than I ever could have imagined. There's the feeding, the clothing, the housework, the bills, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the meltdowns, the naps, the sleep deprivation, the worries about finances or sibling rivalries or how you're going to get it all done and keep everyone alive at the same time.

I normally don't get too overwhelmed by it all, as long as I focus on just one thing at a time. But, every once in a while I just start to feel like I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I'm trying to juggle all of these things when I really just want to sit on the floor and play pat-a-cake or have dance parties and eat cake for breakfast. So often I feel the need to be responsible and keep things under control. No need to create more chaos where chaos already thrives. But, actually, if I'm in on the chaos, it actually feels less chaotic. Is that because I feel like I'm in control of the chaos I'm creating? Probably. I also had this realization that just because those aren't things I can do 24/7 doesn't mean I can't do them 1/7. Who says that I can't feed my kids cake for breakfast every once in a while? And, why not have a daily dance party?

Earlier this week I found an old CD of music from the Nutcracker, so I popped it in and turned up the volume. The Russian Dance is our favorite. We ran around the room, giggling and bumping into each other until we all fell down in the most exhausted happiness. It was so much fun! And, the best part - there was no fighting over toys or tantrums over not having something go a certain way. It was awesome. Just pure fun.

I came across this video earlier today that I had seen going around facebook for the last couple of weeks but hadn't taken the time to watch it. Well, I watched it this morning and man, oh, man, it had me in tears. I mean like multiple tears falling down at the same time. I'm totally the mom who feels like I'm not as patient as I should be, that I expect way more from my kids than what is realistic, and worry that because I have no idea what I'm doing that I'm probably doing more harm than good.

I opened up about this with a friend the other day and her response was exactly what I needed to hear. She said, "You know, sometimes you just have to look at all the things you're really good at and focus on those. And, then slowly work on adding something else to improve on. We all have things we're good at and we all have things that come harder, so just make sure you recognize all the good you're doing."

And, you know what? Right away I was able to think of things that I'm really good at and it made the mountain of things I'm not good at not seem so daunting. It's a mountain to be conquered and I've always loved a good challenge. I am trying to be present and involved with my kids. I'm trying to create a home that's safe and forgiving. And, even though most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm so grateful for those tiny whisperings within that gently lead me and guide me and help me find the way. I just hope that someday when I look back on this time I'll have far more memories of dancing around the house than running around trying to juggle too many tasks that aren't nearly as important as the little ones at my feet. God knows how I love them!

Family Bonds

My parents have been out of town since last Wednesday. Every night when it's Hugh's turn to say the night time prayer, he always expresses gratitude that Bapa and GG could come over. Well, every night that they were gone Hugh would start to say it and then pause, look up and say, "but, Bapa and GG didn't come over today..." which even resulted one night in a quivering chin and tears. That night he asked me to finish the prayer for him. So, last night as we were getting ready for bed I said, "guess who's coming home tomorrow?!" Both boys in unison, "Bapa and GG?!" I told them they were right and Hugh screamed, "Oh, thank you Mom!!" It was the kind of response you'd expect if we had told him we were going to Disneyland or something. It says a lot about Hugh's personality, too... I love his unashamed joy for the simplest pleasures in life! And, there are few things that make me happier than having my kids think their grandparents are as great (or greater!) than Disneyland!

And, when they pulled up in front of our house this afternoon, it was a mad scramble to the door by all three kids. Ben mowed down Lucy making her fall flat on her back in the kitchen, just because he was so focused on getting to the door as fast as possible. Hugs and kisses and arms reaching to be held and loved. And, my heart, oh my heart, melted a million times over to watch it all.

I have very few and limited memories of two of my grandparents, who passed when I was very young. There was a time when I wondered and worried about whether I'd have kids and then if I'd have them in time for my parents to still be around to be a part of their lives. It was a desire, stronger than most, to make sure my kids would have as much time and experiences as possible getting to know all of their grandparents.

So, whenever there are moments like what we had today and what we had the other night in prayer, I count them among my favorite blessings. There is something so powerful about the bonds and relationships between family and it brings me so much joy to watch them in the forming.

Some Random Thoughts

My super talented husband has been working on a new blog design whenever he has a free minute outside of his very busy work schedule. And, now we have it mostly done and ready to be revealed. I'm so grateful for his help and for the fresh new feel! I feel a renewed excitement to spend a little more time writing again. Now, it's just a matter of making the time to do it. I'm hoping this will help me get back into writing - it is one of my favorite outlets when life gets to be too much. And, speaking of... I seem to be there right now...

Lately I've been so overwhelmed by sad things happening, mostly in other peoples' lives. Death, divorce, abuse, depression, cancer, unemployment... to name a few. I hear about it all, I feel the heavy weight of sorrow. I want so much to do whatever I can to ease burdens and make things better. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say it, but I'm so grateful for the sorrow I've experienced in my own life. My heart has no trouble feeling that sorrow again and I hope that somehow in feeling it along with someone else, that it eases the weight of their sorrow even just a little.

As hard as life's trials are, I find it so amazing how much God can do when we're pushed to our limits. He always seems to find a way to make so much good come out of the worst of situations. There's a talk by Elder Holland, Lessons from Liberty Jail, where he shares the idea that "man's extremity is God's opportunity." Here's just one tiny snippet of an entire gold-mine of a talk:

"You can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experience with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced."

Isn't that such an amazing gift?! I have to say that the year after we lost our twins was both the hardest time of my life and also the most sacred. I actually think back to that period with such tender fondness because I felt such a clear closeness to my Father in Heaven. It was such a dark time, so lonely and so confusing... and feeling the contrast of that with the relief and comfort that would come... it was just undeniable that I was not walking that path alone. My prayers were earnest and urgent. And the answers that came were powerful and overwhelming.

And, so now when I hear about others going through hard things, I wish there was some way to prepare them for the spiritual outpourings that are about to come flooding into their lives. I'm afraid it would come across as overly celebratory for trials that are not to be celebrated. But, the rescue, the miracles, the healing that will come... I'm not sure there's something better to celebrate than that!

I used to be really bothered by the thought that I'd sometimes hear expressed at church that "Jesus is my friend." It felt too familiar, too presumptuous, almost sacrilegious or inappropriate. But, after losing the twins and feeling so alone, I found the Savior to be my one constant. He was there on dark nights when I couldn't stop crying. He was there when Marc and I were grieving so differently that we didn't know how to comfort each other. He was there when I'd close up retreat to some private place to be alone. He was always there. It was so comforting to know He'd been there once in His suffering 2000 years ago and that He'd be there again to walk with me through it. That is the best kind of friend there is. So, yes, He is my friend. I love Him.

I hope that all those who are struggling or suffering through hard times will feel the same love, relief, and comfort that I've felt through life's toughest moments. I find so much comfort in the ways the Lord has always led groups of His people through years in the wilderness, until finally arriving at their own promised lands. I feel confident He can do the same for each of us in our own individual wildernesses.

June Happenings

I keep getting so far behind in posting what's going on in our lives and even more what's going on within the figurative walls of my head and heart, that lately I've felt too overwhelmed to even know where to start. But, I've found that the less I release all these thoughts to fly away in the form of words, the more I feel like I've become a caged bird myself, flapping away and not getting anywhere at all. It's a frustrating place to be and I know myself well enough to know my greatest form of release is writing.

The summer has flown by and we've been so busy making lots of fun memories and accomplishing some important goals and milestones, so let's start there.

The Memories and Milestones of our summer include: a road trip to Utah (where I drove for 11 of the 14 hours since Marc had an injured eye), family reunion in the mountains of Heber City which provided the perfect amount of dirt for two boys and their cars, plus lots of time with Nana,

a visit with my childhood best friend Heidi and her girls and mom,

a half marathon down American Fork canyon with my brother Matt and sister Mandi, which we finished in 2:02:19 (or at least that was my time - my siblings just slightly ahead of me - don't tell them I let them beat me... haha!).

After returning home from our vacation I felt a renewed optimism and determination to conquer the potty training mountain and I will proudly claim victory, even though we're not quite there, since going #2 is still a struggle. But since it doesn't happen as often as going #1, I'd say we're like 75% there! Hooray! I'll take it!